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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to get out of this wedding

57 replies

InBedBy10 · 06/12/2025 15:21

I've already posted this on the relationship board but I wanted to see if I am being unreasonable to not go to this wedding? Im feeling very conflicted at the moment and I know AIBU will be more blunt with responses.

An ex colleague asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding. I was shocked to be honest because although we did get on well and had afew (work) nights out, we are not particularly close. I agreed because I was taken by surprise and honestly didn't want to hurt her feelings so just said yes.
I've since found out she has 12 bridesmaids. 2 of which are other work colleagues who were also surprised to be asked for the same reasons I was. She has told us that she has no budget for bridesmaid dresses and we can all wear our own dresses. It doesnt matter what colour and she doesnt need us to match. We also wont be standing at the altar with her. Just sitting up the front. Honestly the more I hear the more I think we are not really bridesmaids at all but i was happy to go along with it. Until now.
For various reasons I really dont want to go to this wedding anymore. If I was just a guest I would send apologises and let her know I can't go. BUT Im supposedly a bridesmaid so I feel obligated to go. Even though I haven't spoken to her since October. Her wedding is in February and I still have no details - time, place etc. The other bridesmaids dont either.
How do I get out of this without upsetting her? Do I have an emergency the day of? Or let her know in advance? In which case, what do i say?

OP posts:
tanstaafl · 06/12/2025 15:37

The sooner you send apologies, the sooner you move on and enjoy your Christmas and New Year.

Dont delay or you’ll find out 10 others have withdrawn and you’ll be trapped ( by your own guilt ) into attending.

flibbertygibbet5 · 06/12/2025 15:42

How can you agree to a wedding when you don’t know the date? Maybe you have other important plans on that day? She’s left it very late to let people know about a wedding in February!

It sounds like she also doesn’t really understand the concept or etiquette of having bridesmaids and is just asking anyone. Very odd.

Could you message her along the lines of ‘can you let me have details for the wedding as I have a lot of stuff going on in February’ and when she tells you the date just say oh bugger that’s one of the days I can’t do, sorry, have a lovely day etc?

If it had been a long standing arrangement with a proper bridesmaid set up (ie dresses bought) then you would be unreasonable to cancel but it all sounds very wishy washy.

FastTurtle · 06/12/2025 15:44

Do you have the date but not anymore details?

Original poster
InBedBy10 · 06/12/2025 15:45

flibbertygibbet5 · 06/12/2025 15:42

How can you agree to a wedding when you don’t know the date? Maybe you have other important plans on that day? She’s left it very late to let people know about a wedding in February!

It sounds like she also doesn’t really understand the concept or etiquette of having bridesmaids and is just asking anyone. Very odd.

Could you message her along the lines of ‘can you let me have details for the wedding as I have a lot of stuff going on in February’ and when she tells you the date just say oh bugger that’s one of the days I can’t do, sorry, have a lovely day etc?

If it had been a long standing arrangement with a proper bridesmaid set up (ie dresses bought) then you would be unreasonable to cancel but it all sounds very wishy washy.

She asked me in October.. I was very taken aback and kind of put on the spot so just spluttered a yes.

We do know the date but thats it. We dont know times or location or what it is we are expected to do on the day. We have all asked her several times and she has just said everything is booked and she will let us know.

Its getting abit annoying at this point.

OP posts:
LlynTegid · 06/12/2025 15:46

Decline politely now. Former colleague, so it is not someone you have to face daily.

Bambamhoohoo · 06/12/2025 15:49

I would say it doesn’t really matter how you do it (as long as it’s kind of course!) or if your unreasonable - there doesn’t seem to be much of a relationship and this willl end it anyway.

i think people have big thoughts about weddings but when it comes down to it, very few women, particularly when older, have big enough family and friends groups to have the day they might’ve imagined without drafting in people on outside of their circle. I’m sure that’s what’s happened here. She must realise that with little true friendship involved, she can’t expect much back.

Sausagescanfly · 06/12/2025 16:20

Let her know now. If she is paying for a meal for you, she may be able to cancel it or invite someone else.

ThejoyofNC · 06/12/2025 16:23

"Hi bride, unfortunately due to lack of clarity around the plans I'm going to have to pull out. I've got other things happening around the same time and was hoping to try and make it work but without the details it's not going to work for me. Sorry and have a lovely wedding."

IsItSnowing · 06/12/2025 16:24

You haven't seen her for months. How can there be any fallout from you just saying sorry you don't want to do it? You barely have a relationship now so even if she cuts you off you've hardly lost anything by it.

FastTurtle · 06/12/2025 16:38

ThejoyofNC · 06/12/2025 16:23

"Hi bride, unfortunately due to lack of clarity around the plans I'm going to have to pull out. I've got other things happening around the same time and was hoping to try and make it work but without the details it's not going to work for me. Sorry and have a lovely wedding."

This is good.

Original poster
InBedBy10 · 06/12/2025 17:18

IsItSnowing · 06/12/2025 16:24

You haven't seen her for months. How can there be any fallout from you just saying sorry you don't want to do it? You barely have a relationship now so even if she cuts you off you've hardly lost anything by it.

I know you're right. I dont think we'll see much of each other after this wedding but she is a lovely girl and I feel terrible to think im letting her down. But on the other hand would she really care? Probably not. I feel like im just making up the numbers.

OP posts:
Thanksforyourlackofthought · 07/12/2025 06:48

ThejoyofNC · 06/12/2025 16:23

"Hi bride, unfortunately due to lack of clarity around the plans I'm going to have to pull out. I've got other things happening around the same time and was hoping to try and make it work but without the details it's not going to work for me. Sorry and have a lovely wedding."

Problem with this is, if she then replies with details you are back to square one.
You have the date so probably just say sorry but a family function is on the same day and you hadn't realised. Don't give too much detail.

EleanorReally · 07/12/2025 06:54

i dont understand why you feel you have to say no tbh

EleanorReally · 07/12/2025 06:56

what are you worried about?
that it will cost you too much
that the travel will be too far?

RoaRiRi · 07/12/2025 06:59

I don’t understand why you’ve got a problem with it. Yes it’s unusual, but you still like her and you know when it is. I would go to the wedding - out of curiosity and also not to let someone down. Close friend or not - you’ve made a commitment and you should stick to it. It would be rude to pull out.

Chichichochi · 07/12/2025 07:02

To be honest, it sounds like the easiest bridesmaid gig I’ve heard of to date, so in this instance, I don’t really see the problem with sticking to what you’ve agreed to?

rainbowstardrops · 07/12/2025 07:11

I don’t understand why you want to decline now either.
It sounds as if it might be quite a laid back affair, so far more preferable than to be dealing with a bridezilla who wants everything Insta perfect!

SparklyGlitterballs · 07/12/2025 07:18

You're not a bridesmaid, you're just a guest who has had an artificial label attached.

Make whatever excuse you would have given if you were a regular guest, because that's what you are. You're not obliged to disclose an exact reason, you can just say the date no longer works because "something critical has come up". Send your profound apologies, maybe a small gift if you feel inclined, and leave it at that. Best do it now before she expects her "bridesmaids" to arrange a hen night/weekend for her.

Blondeshavemorefun · 07/12/2025 07:49

So you wear your own dress and have no other role in wedding but are bm with many others

depends how much you like her ?

if local I would go , if far away and hassle /cost/hotel etc cancel now

DramaQueenlady · 07/12/2025 07:52

Can you say being a bridesmaid has really triggered your anxiety and can't bear the thought of being in front of all those people. Due to anxiety you can't cope blah blah

Mumsntfan1 · 07/12/2025 07:58

Depends on why you don't want to go. Could you tell her the truth or at least something near to the truth rather than makkng up a random excuse?

LAMPS1 · 07/12/2025 08:04

I think you need to pull out of being a bridesmaid and then wait to see if you receive a proper invitation as a guest. To me, it sounds as if she’s not sure she wants to get married….but with so little wedding chat from her, who knows, it could be anything.
If you don’t know each other that well, it should be easy enough to make some sort of vague excuse.

Dear bride,
Thank you for asking me to be one of your 12 bridesmaids. As you know, my initial response in October was to happily accept the honour but as time has gone on I have become increasingly concerned that I may have cause to let you down because of growing family/personal/health/holiday/finance commitments on my part. Therefore, I feel it best to let you know today, that I am no longer in a position to fulfil the role of bridesmaid. I do hope that his isn’t letting you down too badly.
Wishing you all the best with your wedding planning and preparation.

ParmaVioletTea · 07/12/2025 08:05

YANBU to pull out. It sounds as though she’s looking to have a ready made support group to do all the organising.

Original poster
InBedBy10 · 07/12/2025 11:39

DramaQueenlady · 07/12/2025 07:52

Can you say being a bridesmaid has really triggered your anxiety and can't bear the thought of being in front of all those people. Due to anxiety you can't cope blah blah

This is partly true. I get really bad social anxiety and just the thought of this wedding is stressing me out.

Im also struggling financially (single mom of 4 with no help). I know she said we could wear our own dresses but I dont have anything remotely appropriate for a wedding so will have to buy a new dress, shoes, hair, makeup. I know people will say hair and makeup is not necessary but if im going to be bridesmaid I want to look half decent. And really cant do makeup myself.

Its also a small wedding - 40 ish people. And ive just realised through talking to others that everyone there will have their partner with them. Ill be the only one on my own (no option of bringing a friend) which only adds to my anxiety. And yes I know it's pathetic but thats how I feel.

OP posts:
FastTurtle · 07/12/2025 11:45

InBedBy10 · 07/12/2025 11:39

This is partly true. I get really bad social anxiety and just the thought of this wedding is stressing me out.

Im also struggling financially (single mom of 4 with no help). I know she said we could wear our own dresses but I dont have anything remotely appropriate for a wedding so will have to buy a new dress, shoes, hair, makeup. I know people will say hair and makeup is not necessary but if im going to be bridesmaid I want to look half decent. And really cant do makeup myself.

Its also a small wedding - 40 ish people. And ive just realised through talking to others that everyone there will have their partner with them. Ill be the only one on my own (no option of bringing a friend) which only adds to my anxiety. And yes I know it's pathetic but thats how I feel.

Show quote history

It’s really not pathetic.