AIBU to get out of this wedding

[InBedBy10]

I've already posted this on the relationship board but I wanted to see if I am being unreasonable to not go to this wedding? Im feeling very conflicted at the moment and I know AIBU will be more blunt with responses.

An ex colleague asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding. I was shocked to be honest because although we did get on well and had afew (work) nights out, we are not particularly close. I agreed because I was taken by surprise and honestly didn't want to hurt her feelings so just said yes.
I've since found out she has 12 bridesmaids. 2 of which are other work colleagues who were also surprised to be asked for the same reasons I was. She has told us that she has no budget for bridesmaid dresses and we can all wear our own dresses. It doesnt matter what colour and she doesnt need us to match. We also wont be standing at the altar with her. Just sitting up the front. Honestly the more I hear the more I think we are not really bridesmaids at all but i was happy to go along with it. Until now.
For various reasons I really dont want to go to this wedding anymore. If I was just a guest I would send apologises and let her know I can't go. BUT Im supposedly a bridesmaid so I feel obligated to go. Even though I haven't spoken to her since October. Her wedding is in February and I still have no details - time, place etc. The other bridesmaids dont either.
How do I get out of this without upsetting her? Do I have an emergency the day of? Or let her know in advance? In which case, what do i say?

An ex colleague and you don't even know her family that well presumably? Nah, your just a guest who she decided to say you're a bridesmaid but she hasn't bothered to make the effort to even match the dresses.

that's different if you can't afford a nice dress op and she wants you to buy a dress.

It’s not pathetic, I declined my former colleagues wedding invitation (I was just to be a guest, not a bridesmaid) for the same reason, my invitation was just for me with no plus one for my husband to come. I don’t really know her family and friends that well and I don’t like making chit chat with strangers (it doesn’t come easily to me!) so I had to politely decline.

YANBU to decline, having 12 bridesmaids when there are only 40 or so guests at the wedding is unusual and I’d be inclined to think as you mentioned, that she’s just trying to make up numbers.

The person I knew like this didn’t actually get married. They were all over the place due to a really uncertain relationship, and it was called off a month out.

reconsider in the j anuary sales?

It seems like she’s invited people just to sort of make up… numbers? Like to make it look like she has guests?

I’d back out. It’s not your problem + you barely have any contact with her.

40 people and 12 of those are bridesmaids? Are there 12 groomsmen too? That's a very strangely planned wedding. 26 people in the wedding party + 14 guests.

Your reasons are all valid. Send your apologies now so she has time to let the caterers know.

Do you know for sure that the wedding is even still happening? If it’s supposed to in February and she’s not given anyone any details I’d be wondering if they’re having relationship or money issues that mean it’s cancelled but she’s embarrassed to tell people…

But if it is and you need an excuse then she presumably knows you’re a single mum of 4 so can you not say you haven’t been able to sort childcare without knowing timings etc. and unfortunately it’s too late now because your usual sitters/the kids dad are now away.

Does she know that you have social anxiety? I'd probably say that whilst you'd love to be a bridesmaid you're starting to have panic attacks at the thought and have regretfully decided to pull out now so that you don't end up letting her down on her big day...

Seems a bit weird. 12 bridesmaids with no dresses and no role to play.
I just wouldn't bother turning up

I'd send a message saying you're so sorry to let her down but being a single mum of 4, you e realised that the cost and logistics of you attending are just going to be too complicated and in order to not let her down nearer the time - once the details have been released - you're going to back out now. Send her a nice card and present and say you'd love to go out/have her over for dinner to celebrate once the wedding is done. If she's as lovely as you say, I'm sure she'll understand. If not, then you know where you really stand on her priority list. Then you can relax now and not have it hanging over you. Absolutely no need to feel guilty about this either - all sounds a little unusual anyway!

If you've got 4 children and are a single mum, I'd say you're unable to get childcare. It's one of those things people can't argue with, and if you're a bridesmaid then you can't look after them on the day either.
Definitely do not wait till the day-of, she will have paid for your spot with the caterer and it's really busy the morning of the wedding, its cruel to add to that and she cant fill your spot last minute. It's much more reasonable to have a good excuse before hand! Don't feel bad, just pop a message "gosh so sorry, my planned childcare has fallen through and can't find anyone else, I think it's best if I cancel now rather than take up a place whilst not being sure I can attend. So sorry, have an amazing day, let's catch up soon".

Honestly I’d just tell her that you’ve had some health challenges recently and you won’t be able to go to the wedding, and she should carry on making plans without you. If she pushes, maybe mention anxiety, but honestly she can’t force you to disclose anything you’re not comfortable with. A real friend wouldn’t put you on the spot to disclose anyway, they’d just say hope you feel better soon.

There are 12 bridesmaids and everyone other than you will have a partner there, that's 23 to start with (assuming none of them are partners of each other of course), plus however many groomsmen that aren't partners of the bridesmaids, that doesn't leave many spaces in the 40 attendees! Sounds very peculiar, you're definitely best off having no childcare!

It sounds a strange wedding. It's small with 40 odd people but 12 of those are bridesmaids!! How many groomsmen will there be??? The bride isn't paying for your dress, you can wear a dress/colour of your choice and so far there's no actual bridesmaid duties to perform!! The fact you are a single Mum, money is tight and you will struggle to afford a dress, shoes, hair and makeup is enough on its own to decline the bridesmaid role. When you add in the anxiety this is causing you, then I don't think you are unreasonable to pull out.

I think you are being completely reasonable to not want to go/be part of the wedding. But there is no need to lie about it. Just message along the lines of…thanks for asking me but on reflection we aren’t very close/don’t see each other and I don’t think it’s appropriate for me to continue as a bridesmaid as a result…you get the idea.

Do you know if the other people she has approached to be bridesmaids are also planning to pull out? You also haven't mentioned if you have met the groom? I think the main thing is to let her know ASAP. You have plenty of valid reasons for extracting yourself. Given you genuinely like her, I would suggest within your response you suggest meeting up separately before or after the wedding instead and go from there. If you have an address, I would send a lovely card rather than an email and include an update about your own life and kids too which will normalize it all.

In no circumstances cancel on the day. That would make you a dick. Tell her now.

It is all absolutely batshit. First opportunity just message her and say 'Hi, apologies I was caught off guard with the bridesmaid question and agreed without consulting my diary. Unfortunately I will not be able to attend that day but thank you for the invite'. Then send a gift if you want but I would not bother, you never have to see her again.

It sounds so ... strange.
Yes, pull out now before you incur any expense. She has 11 others!

I wonder what was going on in her head. When I was young a girl (young woman technically but very immature) from our church was getting married. She told us she'd chosen 8 or 9 bridesmaids which seemed a lot especially as she didn't have a big family or big social circle.
On the day there were 4. I chatted to one at the reception and she seemed really uncomfortable and didn't know anyone else except her own daughter (also a bridesmaid) and didn't know the bride that well - they'd met on holiday a couple of years before. The others were people she had met in temp jobs and most of them had agreed and but then several dropped out later. One just didn't turn up on the day. It was really so strange. It was almost as if she had tried to reinvent her image as a social butterfly for the wedding day.

I’d say, ‘I am so flattered that you have asked me to be a bridesmaid and I thought my role would be what I traditionally understand it to be. However, I seem to have misunderstood what was being asked of me and I really don’t think I’m the best suited person for the role. I don’t want this to detract from your special day, so please accept my apologies.

(then depending on if you go)
I would, of course, love to still be part of your day and see you get married / Love to you both and I will be thinking of you on your special day.

With all good wishes (? Not sure if too formal) x

Are you sure there actually is a wedding? All sounds a bit strange to me 😬

How about explaining you have social anxiety, and that because you’d feel you’re there alone, if you’re able to take a +1? If she says no, that’s your easy way out. If she says yes, is there a friend you could take with you? +1 doesn’t have to always mean a romantic partner.

This is sounding weirder and weirder than. No details re time and venue, 40 guests and 12+of them are bridesmaids, wearing their own clothes and without bridesmaids duties?
Am I the only one who has doubts over whether this is happening at all?