Manager is making my life hell

[galaxybeyond101]

I started a new role about 7 months ago and feel like I made a huge mistake. My manager is utterly horrible towards me.

This is her first time managing someone… when I first joined she was nice, patient and supportive. Over time the mask has slipped, she berates me in front of colleagues, micromanagers me, everything I do seems to be wrong.

Some days she is nice, chatty and overly nice to me and other days she is cold as ice and criticises everything I do. I never know what version of her I am going to get. I am constantly treading on eggshells and dread going to work every day. The work itself I enjoy but with her as a manager I don’t feel as though I will make it a year. I have applied for numerous jobs but this time of year, it seems not many places are recruiting in the lead up to Christmas.

I am going to make it a mission to get out in the new year. Has anyone else had a hellish manager and how did you cope?

There is no minimum threshold for raising a grievance. Don’t put up with this behaviour. I did for far too long, similar situation to you. I moved jobs and am much happier but know I will never put up with it again. I’m also late 40’s I wish I could go back to my 20’s and save myself a lot of grief in the workplace by not putting up with the crap I did.

I’m just working my notice to get away from a manager like this.
im afraid that (in my experience ) even if you file a grievance, unless there’s enough evidence to get them sacked (or you can get a transfer), it’s unlikely to improve, so the best thing to do is get another job asap.

good luck

I could have written this word for word.

My boss will tell me to do something but then berate me and ask me why I’ve done it - erm because you asked me to.

I spent a while feeling ill and like you I really enjoy the job but it is just her (and there’s no one above her).

She will also be lovely and then that’s more confusing.

I have decided that I will carry on doing what I’m doing and keeping track of every single email etc to have as many things in writing as possible.

I am not taking her comments to heart because I know she wants me to drop my hours (I bring in alot of money for her half the week and not much the rest so she wants me PT or self employed).

Carry on as you are OP and just keep looking for something else like I am doing.
I’m sorry I don’t have any better advice.

I had a manager like this and she was a nasty bully. It was an all female team and it was like being back at school. She'd pick on some people whilst keeping others very close, doing favours for them helping them and praising everything they did. The people who liked her saw what she was like but never challenged her for fear of also being bullied.
She particularly hated anyone who'd been qualified longer than she had and would go out of her way to bully them out of the team.
I put up with it for Couple of years but I was utterly miserable. I'd join the team hoping to progress and expecting support but I was given the worst jobs, but he'd about, criticised and blamed for everything.
I wanted to report her but those higher up thought she was brilliant. She got promoted after a reshuffle and threw our line manager under a bus which was bittersweet because finally this woman realised what sone of us had been saying all along was the truth but it was too late.
I eventually left - because I couldn't cope with it but I still remember what a horrible experience that job was.
I hope you manage to find a new and more rewarding job with a supportive manager.

I had one the same.
never knowing what you would get, the micromanaging, she was just awful and very a toxic person.
She had been the same for a long time and other people had left for the same reason so I didn’t think anything would be done about it, other people had worked there a long time so had a type of stockholm syndrome, plus most others worked part time.
I was full time always with her and it got to the point I was crying on the way to work on a Monday morning which had never happened in any other job I’ve done before or since.
I could feel myself getting sick from the toxic environment so I just looked for something else and left less than a year after starting.
I regret not giving an exit interview and laying it out what an utter unprofessional unpleasant bitch she is, and also not trusting my gut in the interview.
the relief when I walked out of there for the last time was enormous although it was a shame because everyone else was lovely, im a good hard worked and the hours and job itself suited me well.
Leave at the earliest opportunity, give an exit interview telling them why you’ve left, recruitment is expensive so if this starts costing them money unfortunately it’s one of the only ways they will take notice.

Ive just showed my husband this and he thought I’d wrote into mumsnet as it’s almost identical to my circumstances including the length of time I’ve worked there etc! I tried to raise with HR and asked to move teams but they said she would have to approve the move (which I don’t think she’d do to be spiteful!) her manager is a bit of a wet lettuce, she bosses him about so would be pointless to speak to him! So I decided to cut my losses and I’ve resigned. I leave next week. I CANNOT WAIT!!!

I feel your pain OP as I work for a woman who is a vindictive narcissistic bitch.

Its a small company and we have no HR and no union and she is a part owner. At the moment I am utterly trapped and can’t find another job.

It’s horrific. It’s destroying my confidence and making me quite unwell.

You need to document everything, every changed instruction, every slight to you and others, so that if you decide to go down a grievance route you have specifics and patterns of behaviour. You also need to know what you think resolution would look like for you. It is awful while it is happening but if I am honest I would be looking elsewhere and share this at your exit interview.

You leave, is what you do. If the workplace culture is such that a manager can get away with such behaviour, it’s not going to improve.

The last thing I would do is raise a grievance. You want to leave so you're probably going to need a reference. In your shoes I'd be maintaining a working relationship and manage every day knowing that I'm off in the new year. It makes things easier.

This.
Do it while you can.
Enail to yours and keep a diary.
Good note keepimg is priceless when you need it.
What you are describing is grievance worthy.
Note the names of everyone who witnesses her denigrating of you publicly.

Managers can be hell.

I just left a job partially because my manager was a bit like yours in that you didn’t know where you were with her one day from the next and when she started (I’d been there 3 years) she came in like a wrecking ball wanting to change my working pattern that’d been fine until then, she pissed everyone off and then was surprised when I handed in my notice. just shows no self-awareness on her part.

It was a small charity and one of the trustees dealt with a lot of complaints about her (inc from me), but another trustee loved her cos she sucked up to him. She was very nice to the people she wanted something from, basically.

I’m well rid, don’t miss it at all.

People don't leave jobs they leave managers is something I've come to realise.
Keep records op and get yourself out of there.

If HR won't be helpful and you can't move or change managers, a short term solution that worked well for me once was: look at the people the manager doesn't bully. Act (down to body language and turns of phrase) like them. Not ideal since it is not addressing root problems but it worked for me. Don't let it go on to long though.

Can you identify her triggers? Once you start treating her as a project, a problem for you to solve dispassionately, it takes out some of the sting.

I have a similar situation. Nice sometimes, cold others. She uses my perimenopausal symptoms against me and I have to prove things that are in writing. Going to just match energy going forward. Thankfully mine is going on maternity very soon!

This is me now, but due to a restructure I've got 3 of them 😔 I've been there 20 years but am hoping to leave, there's not much opportunity at the moment but as soon as anything suitable comes up I'll be out

If you are in a union wear your union lanyard like wearing a crucifix to ward off a vampire!

Sounds like she might be a narcissist? Look up the red flags online but it's the micro managing and getting a different version of her that makes me think that.
She is looking to get a reaction from you so don't give her any and try not to show when she is upsetting you. Mostly though keep looking for a new job as it won't change. Good luck x

Not me, but I once had a friend who had a really awful manager, I don't know who gave her this advice, but it was to make notes as the manger was giving them shit. After a few times of the note taking, the manger asked what she was doing, she responded with just making notes of what you are saying, in case I need to refer to them in the future.
It definitely changed the dynamic somewhat, my friend still left but her time remaining was less volatile.

This is so hard. So many bad managers out there. I've had a few in my time. Try the grey rock method don't let her get to you, as tough as this is. What is she berating you in public for? If it's nothing, escalate it. Try Chatgpt for a good neutral response. This is gonna sound crazy but I also did a freezer spell on two bad managers. I wrote their name on a piece of paper, and things like leave me alone, don't bring your bad energy to me etc, folded it up, put it in a freezer bag, covered it in water, and froze it. Both times the manager left or moved to a different department. I believe it worked!

Another trick that worked for me - if she is ranting or carping or kvetching, just imagine her shrinking and shrinking until you could hold her in the palm of your hand, and watch her squeaking there. Bizarrely effective.

I have had this as well with a few managers. One in particular matched yours - basically a bag of nerves and in the wrong job. Everything was wrong some days, clothes (smart professional) were criticised (she was not a particularly smart dresser herself). A weekly report got returned, printed out and with red all over it like it had been marked by a teacher. If you insisted on taking a lunch hour she would put a meeting over the top to make a point. She bullied behind closed doors so there was little come back on her.

She could also be chatty and nice on her terms. In the end it was just the cold shoulder 100%, the team did not perform, management noticed and she ended up been chucked out. Got better for a while then there was 3 (one of them was her favourite) of them in a clique. I went after that as I could see it was a lost cause.

How to cope? keep everything at arms length, document everything and do raise a grievance when you have sufficient evidence. Look for another job.

when my manager started she was wonderful,so nice to me.a year or so later someone new started she favourite them and turned nasty with me.then I was ignored all day everyday.i couldn’t stand the atmosphere anymore,it made me feel ill,at home i didn’t want to go to work and i dreaded Mondays and everyday.i left for the first job i was offered i loved my job and i am so resentful that she took all that from me.

You need to bring this up with HR or at the very least, call her on it when she is rude to you. This is bullying.

I had this twice. First time I stuck because the hours were great around school but left the minute my daughter went to high school.
second time was a huge mistake to go work there, she was just awful. If I did something she’d tell me I was wrong, I did it her way then she’d tell me to do it the first way. I didn’t know whether I was coming or going most days and I was so down. Waking in the night, dreading Monday. I even had to copy her into every single email she sent it was so draining.

I did raise it and nothing was done. I left after a year and have been someone I see myself staying till I retire. My advise is leave as soon as you can, life is too short