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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Drunk mates staying over

92 replies

ZippyBlueViper · 06/12/2025 08:56

Last night oh turned up at 1am with 2 other men all really drunk. One of them i know a little bit and the other i had never met before.
We have 3 kids, 14, 5 and 5 month old.
Oh said they're staying over. I said no they're not.
The one that i know a little bit stayed over after a night out last week and eldest dd said she felt uncomfortable when she came down to breakfast and there was just a random man there.
The week before that another of his mates stayed over who i do know really well and kids know him but he was that drunk he wet the bed and was all left for me to clean up.
I put my foot down last night and said they absolutely were not staying over. I don't feel comfortable with it and it's not a doss house where every drunk idiot can use it as a hotel.
Oh thinks I'm being ridiculous and unfair. I think I'm just protecting myself and the kids?

OP posts:
sittingonabeach · 07/12/2025 00:47

How much parenting does he do?

TeaBiscuitsNaptime · 07/12/2025 01:04

No, it's not on and it's dangerous also. If one of them woke up still drunk to use the bathroom, they could end in one of your kids rooms, start fighting with each other or invite a girl or someone else over. A once off, fair enough but not when they're so drunk they wet the bed. Its disrespectful. Nope. He needs a serious talking to. You deserve much better

NongKhai · 07/12/2025 01:15

I would end the marriage/relationship over this. Your DH is a fool.

Evaka · 07/12/2025 01:19

I voted yabu because you're tolerating about 20 things that each warrant you kicking him out on his sad sack alcoholic arse.

BlueMum16 · 07/12/2025 09:28

Just because he earns more does not me je can opt out of being a partner to you in providing a home and care to your kids.

It's great you have a cleaner, I'd love one,but someone needs to cook each night, someone needs to do the dishes each night, someone needs to do the laundry, do the school run. Kids clubs, homework etc.

Assuming you both work similar hours you do both be doing a similar share of the family load.

Disappearing and getting pissed so regularly wouldn't be part of a family life I'd want my kids growing up in. They deserve two parents presents and choosing to spend time with them.

Notmyreality · 07/12/2025 09:30

Get rid of your drunken selfish OH

SilverPink · 07/12/2025 09:35

ZippyBlueViper · 06/12/2025 23:41

So the replies on here have shocked me because i didn't think him going out and not doing housework was that bad.
It was just the turning up with people expecting me to be okay with them staying over which i thought was bad.
Don't get me wrong sometimes I'm shattered and would like him to help, but surely it's more common that men don't help? I can't imagine my oh ever cooking tea or washing up or hoovering. Maybe i am just being taken for a mug

Unless you’ve just stepped out of 1950, it’s more common that - decent - men do help with the cooking, cleaning and parenting. I can only think you had bad role models growing up to think that it’s not.

Original poster
ZippyBlueViper · 20/12/2025 23:43

So i thought i had made it clear to him that it wasn't happening and he's been out since the conversation and not brought anyone back.
He's been out since 7am this morning and just turned back up at 11pm steaming drunk and i could hear him talking to someone. I come out the bedroom and sure enough his mate is stripped off to his boxers in our spare room also extremely drunk.
I said to his friend absolutely not get dressed you're going home. Oh then started saying to him no your not going home because you're not getting done drink driving because of her.
I calmly said call a taxi, call a friend, in fact how did you get here? They said uncles wife who lives 2 mins from us had given them a lift. I said great ring her and ask her to take you home or walk to theirs and sleep there they have a spare room and no kids.
Oh started arguing with me saying I'm ridiculous over the top there's nothing wrong with etc. I said either he leaves or me and the kids do.
Bearing in mind me and 2 out of 3 of the kids have got norovirus and have been really ill since Thursday!
He said to his friend let's go downstairs play pool and ignore her.
I went threw to eldest dd room and she was still awake watching tv. I said to her his friend is here but I'm going to go drive him home will you watch the littles for me. She went into their room for me.
I went downstairs got my car keys and said to friend come on you're going home. He looked at Oh and i said you've no reason to say no. He's not drink driving, he's not getting turfed out I'll literally drive him home. Oh then started laughing and saying bye friends name, be a good boy and do as she tells you.
I got in the car and he directed me to his house. Around a 15 min drive. He was apologetic the whole way. I said don't care if i offend you or not. I will not have people staying over when I've got kids.
When i came back Oh has had a massive go at me saying I'm pathetic, deranged for thinking his friend might have bad intentions etc etc. I've explained calmly im not accusing anyone of anything but what I'm not prepared to do is have myself or any of my kids made to feel uncomfortable or put at risk in my own home.
He then laughed in my face and walked off.

OP posts:
dezzyd · 20/12/2025 23:48

How old is he that he needs to bring his drunken mates home for a sleepover where his wife and kids are. The fact that one of them pissed the bed is a good enough reason to ban it forever. Plus who wants a load of drunken men in their home when you’ve got a teen daughter and a baby there. Fucking ridiculous behaviour from him, he needs to grow up.

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 20/12/2025 23:52

Are you married? His behaviour is appalling. Line up your ducks and work on getting rid of him.

Crikeyalmighty · 20/12/2025 23:58

I was amazed at the amount of pissed up middle aged blokes in town today - and this is a predominantly middle class place - lots of these guys I’m sure must be men with wife’s and partners and families - I didn’t see one pissed up women above 30 . I do think an awful lot of men have a huge drink problem , I like a drink but a couple of large glasses of wine max - I feel for you OP - I wouldn’t be ok with this either and I’m a pretty liberal person at 63. To me says lot about a lack of giving a shit about your feelings

Original poster
ZippyBlueViper · 21/12/2025 00:00

No were not married, what concerns me is everything is in his name even my car. Im aware of what a shit position it puts me in. But at the time everything was explained like he said if he put my car in his name he could claim vat back threw his business. My business is based at home but on land that's in his name and isn't something i could relocate as i don't have the funds to re build.
Our money has always been our money so even from my business it goes all into one bank account that's in his name but then he transfers money to a card for me as and when i ask for it. He said this was because it's easier for tax and vat and things.
But the more I've thought about things lately the more I've realised just how royally screwed i am.

OP posts:
Greengagesnfennel · 21/12/2025 00:05

Well done OP!!
Never ever apologise for this. Hold this line you have set here where you are protecting your children.

it should be your husband’s job too but he is an abject failure in that respect. You need to demand an apology in the morning when he is sober. (If you are not kicking him out, which is what you should really be doing…)

Hopefully you can see from the way his mate reacted that his mate knew you were right even if your DH is too much of an alcoholic to see it.

Greengagesnfennel · 21/12/2025 00:08

Just seen your update. That is very worrying.

You need to get an account in your name for your business as well as for yourself.

BDenergy · 21/12/2025 00:12

ZippyBlueViper · 21/12/2025 00:00

No were not married, what concerns me is everything is in his name even my car. Im aware of what a shit position it puts me in. But at the time everything was explained like he said if he put my car in his name he could claim vat back threw his business. My business is based at home but on land that's in his name and isn't something i could relocate as i don't have the funds to re build.
Our money has always been our money so even from my business it goes all into one bank account that's in his name but then he transfers money to a card for me as and when i ask for it. He said this was because it's easier for tax and vat and things.
But the more I've thought about things lately the more I've realised just how royally screwed i am.

Obviously you’re realising what a vulnerable position you’re in financially right now.

You need to think about what you can do to get some control back whatever decisions you make about the relationship.

get a bank account and get money paid into that.

Is the house owned or rented?

What else can you sort out now?

Is the car on finance? Can you replace it if he’s going to take that away from you?

Peclet · 21/12/2025 00:13

Oh shit.

you need to get organised and leave him.

Dontbeme · 21/12/2025 00:19

Treat yourself to a solicitor for Christmas, this man is financially abusing you.

RedToothBrush · 21/12/2025 00:19

You have a 14 year old daughter.

Drunk men you don't know staying overnight with a 14 year old girl in the house?

Nope.

Safeguarding fall. Not ok.

ESPECIALLY when she's expressed an opinion that she doesn't feel comfortable with it.

Anyone who stays in the house overnight should be someone you know well and all are comfortable with.

RedToothBrush · 21/12/2025 00:21

ZippyBlueViper · 21/12/2025 00:00

No were not married, what concerns me is everything is in his name even my car. Im aware of what a shit position it puts me in. But at the time everything was explained like he said if he put my car in his name he could claim vat back threw his business. My business is based at home but on land that's in his name and isn't something i could relocate as i don't have the funds to re build.
Our money has always been our money so even from my business it goes all into one bank account that's in his name but then he transfers money to a card for me as and when i ask for it. He said this was because it's easier for tax and vat and things.
But the more I've thought about things lately the more I've realised just how royally screwed i am.

He's financially abusive too.

Great. He's proper icky.

Original poster
ZippyBlueViper · 21/12/2025 00:22

House is owned, in his name, but I've put over a 100k into it in the last 12 months renovating it but don't know how i would prove that.
I applied for business bank card last week and when it came i said to him I'm going to use this for my business and move payments into here now. He simply laughed and said you're not, my accountant deals with everything we don't need that card.
I said yes but i would like the security of knowing I'm in charge of my own businesses finances. He laughed again and said you don't need to be. That's not happening.
We also have a rental property, again solely in his name but the rental income goes into my bank account.
I've spoken to him about adding my name to rental property and he says no because we're going to sell it soon. (He's defo not going to sell it)
I don't really know what to do.
I feel like his behaviour towards me and the kids has got worse and worse the last few years but I've kind of just got accustomed too it but since latest dd I feel like I've just woken up to the fact that he's not a nice person at all.
Ironically he begged and begged for latest dd and promised me everything. But has yet to hold her for more than 5 minutes or change her nappy etc. Has zero interest in her and she's nearly 6 months old.

OP posts:
InterestedDad37 · 21/12/2025 00:30

He is absolutely taking the piss OP, and no, it should not be normal for the bloke to do no housework or childcare. Hope you're able to sort things out, and get yourself into a better position regarding whose name everything is in.

RedToothBrush · 21/12/2025 08:07

ZippyBlueViper · 21/12/2025 00:22

House is owned, in his name, but I've put over a 100k into it in the last 12 months renovating it but don't know how i would prove that.
I applied for business bank card last week and when it came i said to him I'm going to use this for my business and move payments into here now. He simply laughed and said you're not, my accountant deals with everything we don't need that card.
I said yes but i would like the security of knowing I'm in charge of my own businesses finances. He laughed again and said you don't need to be. That's not happening.
We also have a rental property, again solely in his name but the rental income goes into my bank account.
I've spoken to him about adding my name to rental property and he says no because we're going to sell it soon. (He's defo not going to sell it)
I don't really know what to do.
I feel like his behaviour towards me and the kids has got worse and worse the last few years but I've kind of just got accustomed too it but since latest dd I feel like I've just woken up to the fact that he's not a nice person at all.
Ironically he begged and begged for latest dd and promised me everything. But has yet to hold her for more than 5 minutes or change her nappy etc. Has zero interest in her and she's nearly 6 months old.

If the money goes into your account you can legally prove that you are part of the business and potentially are being financially abused.

If he's paying it to your account, but it's in his name he would have to explain why - there may be implications for tax including evasion.

You should collect evidence of any communications which might be deemed as financially controlling.

Crucially get stuff in writing. It sounds like you can prove some of this.

Seek professional advice. Contact a domestic abuse charity or a solicitor.

You are in a really bad position here.

Ritasueandbobtoo9 · 21/12/2025 08:25

Is he a farmer or farming background. This way of thinking, financial control and abuse is typical.

EllaPaella · 21/12/2025 08:44

Wow.. you think you hear it all on here but this really hits a new low. What an awful awful man. I sincerely hope that 2026 is the year you and your kids escape from this horrible set up.
Financial abuse, verbal abuse, staying out all day drinking and bringing random people back to the family home, intimidating you when he’s drunk..
What an absolute arsehole.

EllaPaella · 21/12/2025 08:46

Not to mention his mysoginistic attitude towards women, taking absolutely no share in the running of the house and childcare.