DS left his GF in our home alone

[Glindypop]

DS is 25, he doesn’t live at home any more but does drop in fairly often and still has his full bedroom set up as his. He has been with his girlfriend for about 6 months. I’ve met her a couple of times but we aren’t close. English isn’t her first language, I believe she can speak English well (she works in the UK so I have to assume so) but her preference is her 1st language which DS speaks and they use for the most part. I speak a little of her first language but I imagine it is less than she speaks of English. Of course she is entitled to speak in whichever language she prefers but it can make conversation tricky as like I said my understanding of her first language isn’t great and she never seems willing to change to English (even if I speak in English she tends to reply her native language).
Officially on Fridays I work in the office but it’s generally very quiet and my manager is fine with me leaving at lunch and completing my work from home.
Today I got home about 12.30, unexpectedly his GF is sat doing some work on her laptop at the dining table. I ask if DS is around and she told me he had gone to do some errands and would be back soon. I offer her some tea assuming she is working and will just want to be left to get on with it, instead she follows me to the living room where we end up sitting with limited conversation for almost 2 hours until DS returns. I did tell her I had some work to get on with and moved to my desk which is in the corner of the living room, but I found it hard to focus as there was a guest I don’t know particularly well just sat there!

DS claims he invited her over to do some work as she is getting a new kitchen fitted in her flat and didn’t want to be in the way of the workers, and he didn’t want to take her to his as he is in a flat share and doesn’t have a massive room. Which is fine, I don’t mind but I would have liked some notice as I probably would have stayed in the office if I’d known I’d be hosting a guest at home.
I’m also not sure how I feel about him leaving her totally alone in our home, they haven’t been together for very long and I don’t know her well at all.

AIBU to ask that in the future DS gives me advance notice and doesn’t leave her in our home alone? At the end of the day DS doesn’t live here anymore so I don’t expect to be hosting his guests!

Personally I don’t think you’re being unreasonable if he doesn’t actually live there. I wouldn’t want a near stranger in my house on their own. If they want to be spending any amount of time together then it should be at one of their own homes.

If he no longer lives in your home I would say he has been massively cheeky not telling you he was inviting this woman into your home when he wasn't even going to be there.

I would be very annoyed.

And tbh, wheresas it is not nice to be suspicious, he has only known her for 6 months and I would really dislike a relatively unknown person who isnt even interested in communicating with me properly., having free run of my home.

Not even mentioning to you that he was inviting her into your home shows a distinct lack of any respect for you.

Yes, it’s totally fine to tell DS not to bring guests around without asking first. It’s not his home anymore but many young people still think of their childhood home as home where they can return to and behave as they always used to, he just needs a reminder that that doesn’t apply to inviting others over and then fucking off to run errands.

His girlfriend probably also felt quite awkward herself, but didn’t want to appear rude by sitting in another room ignoring you once you’d returned home - it was quite nice that she made an effort to chat with her boyfriend’s mum. If you don’t speak her native language very well then it should be fine to say when she responds in it “sorry Sofia, my Spanish isn’t as good as Harry’s, I didn’t really understand what you just said.”

I wouldn't have a problem with her being there but I absolutely would have a problem with not knowing she was going to be there. Even if your son was living there still I would still expect. X is having her kitchen done on Friday, do you mind if she does a bit of work at yours so she not in the way of the builders.

I have been with my partner for almost 20 years and I'd ask them before rocking up to work at theirs. Even if I was to work at my own parents in this situation I'd call and ask before setting myself up at their dining table for the afternoon.

I used to mostly work from home and I absolutely would want to have a say about whether I wanted others in my house whilst working. There are times when it would be ok and times where I need the quiet and not to be half listening to see if anything was needed etc.

He should tell you that she's going to be there, but personally I wouldn't then mind about her being there on her own in this kind of situation. I'd hope that you'd get to know and like each other and you would stop seeing her as a stranger and relax and get on with your life around her. It's nice to get on with your DC's partner. There clearly isn't a genuine language barrier.

She sounds quite rude actually, she should be speaking English when she is a guest in your home.
And no I wouldnt be happy with her being there alone, as I wouldnt with anyone not family

This! In addition, he has moved out so he needs to stop acting like your house is his to do as he pleases!

Separately, they’re both very rude to not speak English in your presence if she does speak English - your DS doesn’t come across well with any of this!

still has his full bedroom set up as his

This is blurring boundaries.
Presumably if he still lived with you full time you would have no issue with him going out for a short time leaving his girlfriend in his home (i.e. your home).

Tell him you now need his room to be your office / hobby room / guest room or whatever, and that he will need to remove all his personal belongings by the end of the next month.
Then follow through - put anything he doesn't take in the attic or shed. Get rid of any furniture that signals "teenage boy room", and redecorate.

He needs to realise that he is a guest in your home; even as a much loved family member he is a guest.

He still has a room fully set up there, so clearly he feels it’s still his home.
6 months is a fair length of time for her to be vetted and either safe to have at the family home or not.
Yes, she should speak more English to you.
You should have resumed work.

What's wrong with his place?

You might need to have one of those apron string cutting conversations, including taking what used to be his room and using it, maybe as a home office!

I’m also a bit confused as to why he still has a full bedroom set up. I moved out to live with my now husband, still had a load of stuff at my parents. After a few months when it was clear I wasn’t coming back, my mum suggested I take what I wanted and everything else either went in the attic or the bin. Then they redecorated 😆 Fair enough really. Nothing wrong with still having a guest bed for him to occasionally stay, but not a full set up.

Yes, your son was out of line. Odd behaviour from both of them.

I would never have been comfortable to be sat in someone else's alone home without being invited or okay-ing it first.

Did you say please carry on with your work after you made the tea. She probably thought it would be rude to carry on working when you were home.

I’d be changing his bedroom into an office and using that for work. That will stop the blurring of boundaries. DS hasn’t mentally moved out of home, has he?

Why do you have a room set up for someone who lives somewhere else?
Why do you insist she speak in English and not try to speak in her native language and visa versa...
Why does your son and/or his GF have a key to your house?
Why did you not say to her "why are you in my house"?

I feel like you started the weirdness and they are following suit!

But cheeky of your son, but in the grand scheme of things, I’d let it go.

if you do have a word with him, I’d frame it as ‘just let me know because I got a bit of a fright’. Rather than insinuating that she’s not welcome as that could cause friction in the relationship moving forward. I think it’s so important to make adult children and their friends and partners feel welcomed and at home if they’re generally hood and friendly people!

YANBU , personally I don’t find the bedroom thing weird because our adult moved out son still has a bedroom here although it doubles as a Lego display centre . What I do find weird is that you haven’t told him that in your house you speak in English and expect visitors who can to do the same , it is incredibly rude for them to sit chatting in another language . It is also very rude of him to just assume he can invite a third party to use your home and he should have asked .

Lucky you getting to improve your language skills for free, and you will have bilingual grandchildren.

I'm foreign: speaking her language when you are part of the conversation and she could speak English is extremely rude. It doesn't matter what her preference is.
The only exception to this is if they have children and they are doing one parent/one language - but even then she should be addressing you in English.

Your son inviting her to your house without telling you about it is absolutely unacceptable as well.

I imagine you haven't set many boundaries with your son for him to behave that way, maybe now is the time to teach him some manners.

He should have told you @Glindypop but I wouldn't have been too bothered and if I'd had work to do I'd have been very explicit. "Lovely to see you [insert name] but we both have work to do, do make yourself comfy back in the dining room and I"ll bring you a cuppa. I'm working here in the living room at my desk and need to focus for a while to get urgent stuff done. Let"s crack on and we can have a wine together at 6ish.

Fair enough to demand notice and in fact it should be asking if you don’t mind not just telling you.

But implying she can’t be trusted to be left alone is quite insulting. Do you really think she’d rob you?

It does sound very much on their terms, which isn't fair.

Odd that she didn't pay you the courtesy of speaking in English, whatever your language skills.

I think not speaking in the language common to all is incredibly rude in your house. I would have a word with DS about that.

Ans he shouldn’t have a room as such in your home if he’s moved out.

Why couldn’t she go to his flat to work?

What’s the language thing got to do with anything? 🤷‍♀️

It’s difficult to have a conversation with someone who can speak the same language as you and chooses not to. I try my best in her language but it makes for a very difficult conversation where we aren’t feeling understood.