DS left his GF in our home alone

[Glindypop]

DS is 25, he doesn’t live at home any more but does drop in fairly often and still has his full bedroom set up as his. He has been with his girlfriend for about 6 months. I’ve met her a couple of times but we aren’t close. English isn’t her first language, I believe she can speak English well (she works in the UK so I have to assume so) but her preference is her 1st language which DS speaks and they use for the most part. I speak a little of her first language but I imagine it is less than she speaks of English. Of course she is entitled to speak in whichever language she prefers but it can make conversation tricky as like I said my understanding of her first language isn’t great and she never seems willing to change to English (even if I speak in English she tends to reply her native language).
Officially on Fridays I work in the office but it’s generally very quiet and my manager is fine with me leaving at lunch and completing my work from home.
Today I got home about 12.30, unexpectedly his GF is sat doing some work on her laptop at the dining table. I ask if DS is around and she told me he had gone to do some errands and would be back soon. I offer her some tea assuming she is working and will just want to be left to get on with it, instead she follows me to the living room where we end up sitting with limited conversation for almost 2 hours until DS returns. I did tell her I had some work to get on with and moved to my desk which is in the corner of the living room, but I found it hard to focus as there was a guest I don’t know particularly well just sat there!

DS claims he invited her over to do some work as she is getting a new kitchen fitted in her flat and didn’t want to be in the way of the workers, and he didn’t want to take her to his as he is in a flat share and doesn’t have a massive room. Which is fine, I don’t mind but I would have liked some notice as I probably would have stayed in the office if I’d known I’d be hosting a guest at home.
I’m also not sure how I feel about him leaving her totally alone in our home, they haven’t been together for very long and I don’t know her well at all.

AIBU to ask that in the future DS gives me advance notice and doesn’t leave her in our home alone? At the end of the day DS doesn’t live here anymore so I don’t expect to be hosting his guests!

I thought the post was about finding her unaccompanied in your home?

Of course it was, but if you find someone unaccompanied in your home, not being able to have a conversation with them or feel comfortable to get on with the rest of your day makes it worse?

Did you not read the full OP or are you just being obtuse?

I read the language as critical to all this and "to do with" almost all of it...

If she is a fluent english speaker why the fuck wont she speak english??

It seems rude and in her shoes I would not do this.

Your DS is also a bit of a dipstick in all this...

So she's rude and your son is rude and entitled bringing someone over to your place without asking. Maybe that's why they're good together 🤷‍♀️.

You need to tell your son that he needs to ask before letting people stay at your place. And tell her that you would prefer to speak English in your home.

Of course she is entitled to speak in whichever language she prefers
even if I speak in English she tends to reply in her native language

Given that she speaks English, I think that’s actually astonishingly rude.

I think a nice office set up in the "spare" room is what's required.
Your DS needs reminding that he's always welcome to visit, but as it's not his primary residence, he needs to give up his unused bedroom and stop treating your home as though he still lives there.

You didn’t need to write all the information about the languages. You’re not unreasonable. Your son doesn’t live at home and you hardly know the girlfriend. Fact he did it on a day you’re usually not at home suggests you weren’t to know. The girlfriend probably felt horribly awkward (rightly) and sat with you to make polite conversation. You have a DS problem here. A home is always a home but no, once you leave home (and have your own home) you can’t just turn up, invite others and use the place like a transit lounge. I think you are unreasonable to focus on the gf and the languages rather than son.
I would think you’re in golden years now and it is time to take back your son’s door key. He’s entitled.

Why are posters policing what the OP chose to include?!

Invite someone who doesn’t speak your language and get them to sit in the lounge with you for a couple of hours and see how awkward it is.

I think the OP is mentioning the language as it’s not like the OP and this girl sat and had a cuppa and a chat about Corrie for a couple of hours. She was supposed to be WFH but instead had this girl in the house who barely understands English.

So bloody awkward. I would hate that.

The whole thing seems really odd.

Does your DS still hang out there as if it is his home? If so, I can understand why he would have his GF there and not necessarily feel like he needed to ask you.

If he doesn’t hang out as if it’s his home, then it is really odd that he just let her in.

Either way, it’s incredibly rude of her to not speak English with you.

But also weird of you to just sit in silence with her for 2 hours rather than suggesting she go back to what she was doing.

You all need to get MUCH better at communication.

Your son is rude and entitled!! Put your for down now!!

I’d have just said to her I’m sorry but this isn’t my sons house, he doesn’t live here and hasn’t communicated any of your being in MY house with me or oked it with me
And I’ve got to make some confidential work calls so you will have to leave now l! She clearly didn’t need to be there if she was sat doing nothing for 2 hours!!! She wasn’t working!!

This wouldn’t bother me at all, and I’d have just made her the tea, chatted for five minutes then told her I needed the room to do my work. That she won’t speak English to you is a separate issue, and I’d probably mention to your son it’s rude that she doesn’t at your house.

Errrm no, He should ASK if its ok, not tell.

No, I don’t do obtuse. The post heading is about finding someone unaccompanied in one’s home. I don’t see what the language issues have to do with that 🙄

The language is not a side issue. English is not my DH's first language, and when I first met him he had a houseshare with people from many different countries. He made it a rule that if an English person was there, everyone should speak English (I should stress that this WAS in the UK!). The idea was to be as inclusive as possible, and not doing this (especially when it's clearly within her capacity) is very rude.

Because it’s irrelevant that she speaks English as her second language 😳

6 months is nothing when you rarely spend time with them.
in our case turns out we’d had a rapist involved in our household…someone our daughter had been with for 18months! makes me feel sick that ALL of us were fooled.
she now wonders why I don’t feel I can welcome any further boyfriends for a great length of time!! (She is not a good judge of character)

This was mishandled by everyone involved.
DS should have given you a heads up.
She should have spoken English and had the sense to move to another room if you were working.
However you should have asked her to move elsewhere after the initial pleasantries (or moved yourself). And asked her directly if she wouldn't mind speaking English as your language isn't so good.

I think after 6 months it's fair for her to start to become integrated into the family so feeling uncomfortable having her alone in the house full stop is a bit unreasonable, she's not walking in off the street. However the circumstances were not on.

YANBU to have expected him to message you and say they were at home

YABU to object to his Gf of 6 months being in the house alone

YABU not to have said “l don’t mean to be inhospitable but I have come home to work. Would you like to do your own work in Ds’s room?” Or similar. Don’t blame her / your Ds for you being too wet to just communicate and get in with your job.

But tell him he needs to let you know: you could have got a fright / thought she was an intruder etc.

Because it’s irrelevant that she speaks English as her second language

It's not irrelevant. The fact that she won't speak English, even in OP's home in OP's presence, is the reason OP feels she hardly knows her after six months.

It also creates a bad impression when she won't or can't for whatever reason show manners towards OP, but is apparently happy to make use of OP's home for her own convenience.

I think after 6 months it's fair for her to start to become integrated into the family

By speaking English when with the family, perhaps.

This.

Yikes! I would be livid to learn that a near stranger has had the run of my home for hours. Maybe she's fine but lots of people seem fine and turn out to be snoops, thieves or weirdos.

Tell him in future he is not to be at your home unless you are there.

Tbh I would have been fuming.

He’s absolutely out of order to not ask you first. It’s not his house and you know absolutely nothing about her or her past.

Not speaking English when she knows the language is extremely rude and bad mannered.

When you had a conversation with her did she keep trying to respond in a language you don't really speak?

I don't really understand how she can communicate with people day to day if she refuses to do so in English. Which is how you're portraying her.

It's awkward she was there when he wasn't. Not the end of the world but clearly a bit uncomfortable.

Totally fine for you to tell son he needs to give a heads up if he has anyone in your house.

I guess the fact he's still got his bedroom all set up makes it feel like he does still live with you to an extent.

And if gf does need to work at yours then can she do so in his room?