DS left his GF in our home alone

[Glindypop]

DS is 25, he doesn’t live at home any more but does drop in fairly often and still has his full bedroom set up as his. He has been with his girlfriend for about 6 months. I’ve met her a couple of times but we aren’t close. English isn’t her first language, I believe she can speak English well (she works in the UK so I have to assume so) but her preference is her 1st language which DS speaks and they use for the most part. I speak a little of her first language but I imagine it is less than she speaks of English. Of course she is entitled to speak in whichever language she prefers but it can make conversation tricky as like I said my understanding of her first language isn’t great and she never seems willing to change to English (even if I speak in English she tends to reply her native language).
Officially on Fridays I work in the office but it’s generally very quiet and my manager is fine with me leaving at lunch and completing my work from home.
Today I got home about 12.30, unexpectedly his GF is sat doing some work on her laptop at the dining table. I ask if DS is around and she told me he had gone to do some errands and would be back soon. I offer her some tea assuming she is working and will just want to be left to get on with it, instead she follows me to the living room where we end up sitting with limited conversation for almost 2 hours until DS returns. I did tell her I had some work to get on with and moved to my desk which is in the corner of the living room, but I found it hard to focus as there was a guest I don’t know particularly well just sat there!

DS claims he invited her over to do some work as she is getting a new kitchen fitted in her flat and didn’t want to be in the way of the workers, and he didn’t want to take her to his as he is in a flat share and doesn’t have a massive room. Which is fine, I don’t mind but I would have liked some notice as I probably would have stayed in the office if I’d known I’d be hosting a guest at home.
I’m also not sure how I feel about him leaving her totally alone in our home, they haven’t been together for very long and I don’t know her well at all.

AIBU to ask that in the future DS gives me advance notice and doesn’t leave her in our home alone? At the end of the day DS doesn’t live here anymore so I don’t expect to be hosting his guests!

I’ve just realised that you keep a bedroom for your 25 year old son ( who doesn’t live there) while you work on a desk in the living room. Nah! You need to reclaim your space.

I mentioned the language thing being unnecessary because it deflects from the issue of the son. Girlfriend is rude ( or shy because she barely knows you) and this is even more reason why your son should not have invited her back then left her in someone else’s house without permission / asking his mum.

Why's he even got keys to your house?

The post is more than just the heading, you know.

And yes, the fact that the OP’s DS and his GF speak another language in front of her, in her home, when they can both speak English, is really rude and is relevant. That you don’t think so is irrelevant.

IF he'd invited her over for the day and genuinely ran out to do a quick errand, it might be fine apart from the initial surprise. (I'm assuming that you have no issue with his having guests when he stays with you and that he knows you sometimes work from home on Friday afternoons). But it sounds like you were there sitting with her for two more hours after you arrived home. Where was he? When you told her you were working from home that afternoon and had to get to work, and it was clear your normal workplace was IN the room where she'd been working, I'd have expected her to excuse herself and go work in son's room. Or I'd have gone and worked elsewhere (perhaps slightly resentfully) myself.

It’s fairly normal to give adult children keys to your house even if they have moved out

Let me guess, she’s French? I’ve only ever encountered this attitude to speaking English from French people..

Would annoy me too he shouldn’t have just left her especially downstairs

You’re quite right OP. Can’t have a foreigner let loose alone in your home. Did you count your silver spoons? Check your jewelety box? The little minx could have got into anything,

(/sarcasm)

It’s not his house! Of course it’s unreasonable not let you know

Its not unreasonable he left her alone in the house
It is unreasonable that he didnt ask or communicate in any way

My daughter’s has all left home, they’re all more than welcome to come and go to our house, they used to live here and it’s still their home, they can come and go and do as they please when here, they’re all more than welcome to help their selves to anything they want to, food and drinks!

As both you and your son are apparently able to speak her language somewhat, perhaps she thought she was doing you a favour by offering practice? A linguist myself, I would have been glad of the opportunity.

Change your sons old bedroom to your office and have a fold out bed sofa in there so it’s then a cross guest room and if/when your son comes to stay for Xmas or whatever he can stay there but as it’s YOUR HOUSE and he’s an ADULT and his girlfriend also has her own separate home and doesn’t live with your son then they neither of them should be helping themselves to your house or anything in it!!!

It is a cheek of him offering your home, without permission and a cheek of her accepting. Make your boundaries clear to your son, now. Nip it in the bud. . I say this from experience. The same happened to me on a few occasions and I said nothing until she ended up staying in our house, without permission, while we were on holiday. (Son was away working). She left the place in a tip. Weird power games. So it blew up and we had a big row, which took many months to calm down with son. Things are still a bit chilly with GF, now wife. But relationship with son is good thankfully. We are now all clear on boundaries and respect.

What on earth makes you think the OP wanted to practice? And for two hours? Come on.

I don't think you are unreasonable to want the heads up. I do think you are unreasonable to not want her there when you arent, only because I personally believe children, even once grown up should be able to treat their family home, as just that, their homes still. I would also be careful how you word it, gf could take offence and cause a rift.

I moved out when I went to uni at 18 and haven’t been back aside from those uni summers. I’m now 40 and my room is still largely intact 🤣Never really thought it was weird, but thinking about it , I suppose it is. I go back a couple of times a year and now my kids sleep in that room. The house is big enough that there isn’t a need for another purpose for that room I guess.

I think you would be unreasonable to tell him you don’t mind but you’d like some notice first. Not because he should be able to invite his girlfriend to your home without telling you, but because you did mind. You had work to do. It was inconvenient. It wasn’t an emergency. They weren’t out of other options. He really should not be looking towards you for this sort of thing. He has a place he has some right to offer her - she might not like it as much, but it’ would have done the job. She could have gone to work in a library or coffee shop (depending on her work) or a friend’s apartment. Maybe into the office if she has one.

He’s left home (which is as it should be) you should be encouraging him to think of himself as independent and to be considering how his actions impact people around him - including you. He’s still on the young side so it’s not that surprising that he’s still pretty self-centered, especially when it comes to how he treats his parents. But that’s why you sometimes need to spell things out for him. Tell him he shouldn’t have done it. That you are always there for him, but he needs to remember you have a life to live too.

Also - it wouldn’t be unreasonable to move your desk out of the lounge and make his old room into an office come guest room.

It's weird that she's just speaking her own language to you (if she is definitely significantly better at English than you are at her language and if she is aware of that fact). However, if you have a reasonable ability to understand the language, I don't think it's rude of her and your son to speak in the language in front of you. Native English speakers in the UK can be very weird and paranoid about anyone speaking another language in front of them imo (not saying you are like that, OP, but some posters' reactions suggest that attitude).

She sounds pretty rude tbh. She shouldn’t be answering you in her mother tongue knowing you don’t speak fluently so it will severely limit the conversation. It all just sounds really socially awkward and disjointed. Your DS definitely should have told you she was there too.

Even if he lived at home I would consider it presumptive to invite his girlfriend over and leave her there on her own.
How uncomfortable the OP must have felt. Going home and there she is sitting there.
I would make it very clear that this shouldn't happen again. I would also want to know she hasn't got a key ?
The OP's son is awfully trusting. But to be so trusting with other peoples property and privacy is not okay.

When me and my partner first got together many many years ago, we'd been together about 3 months and his parents went on holiday. His brother had moved out and so I moved into his parents house for 3 weeks while they was away. Just to add they didn't know I existed, we'd never met and he hadnt mentioned me although they had an idea because his routine changed and he stunk of aftershave often! We didn't see any harm, I was at work in the day while he was in bed then I'd come to his house, eat together then he would go to work and I'd stay in the house watch TV and go to bed. His parents went batshit. Neither of us thought it was a big deal and thought they was just old coggers moaning. Now we own our own home, aren't 20 years old and have children of our own I would be furious if they had what was a complete stranger to us and someone they hardly knew in our home. So yes OP I wouldn't be happy about this either!