Or was my birthday shit?

[FunnyFerret]

DH and I usually celebrate my birthday a bit early because my actual birthday falls during a busy period for his work. We had a lovely weekend away to celebrate last weekend, but my birthday is actually today. I didn’t hear from him at all throughout the day then he arrived home late while I was wrangling the DC into bed. We got into a row because I told him I was pissed off that he wasn’t home earlier and I wasn’t in the mood to open presents after a long day of solo parenting.

I said he could have made the effort to come home on time today (it’s 1 fucking day!) and that I often feel like I come second to his work. He says I knew he was busy and that he’s made an effort with the weekend away and feels I am punishing him by refusing the gifts etc.

AIBU? I find myself getting upset most years on my birthday so I’m not sure if it’s just me having blubber or if my day has genuinely been shit.

Him being busy with work is not like him being busy with a hobby. Supposedly you profit from the fruit of his work.

He went on a week-end and he gave you gifts for your birthday that you now refuse to open. Sorry but you are being unreasonable and precious. Unless your name is Catherine you don't get to be a princess.

Well he did say he was busy and you’ve already celebrated it. It always surprises me on here how upset some adults get about a non significant birthday. I couldn’t care less it’s my bday and happy to go to work and do my normal stuff. I guess your DH must know you don’t feel like that though but if he is busy, he’s busy. He has bought you gifts, unlike many men on here who can’t even be bothered to get a card.

This

YANBU but only if you are under the age of 9.

Yabu

If I was your husband I'd have thought the lovely weekend away was the celebration ...he was there for that and you both enjoyed it

You admit he is busy at work and you knew he would be.

You could have made today special for yourself by having a little party tea and cake with the kids instead of getting more and more annoyed that husband wasn't home.

Happy Birthday

I too am a december birthday, we celebrated last weekend with going to see a show at the theatre. My son is away on my birthday with cubs camp. I gave up on my birthday date - friends have work dos, no money for extra meals out, busy busy busy! To make up for it being “overshadowed” by Christmas I have a june birthday as well - normally a weekend away.

I understand why your upset, my DH can have meeting with China at 7am and USA at 7pm or just not be in the country. Its rubbish but generally its not my DH fault I was born in December and work is busy. We choose for him to do something for work that keeps him happy and challenged.

4th quarter was ridiculously busy and stressful where I worked. If my OH had booked a weekend away to celebrate their birthday knowing how busy I was at work on the actual day, I’d have taken that at face value, so I am with your DH I‘m sfraid. I also worked in an environment which demanded long hours all year round. That said, I think it’s easy to fall into the always working long hours as a habi. . That is something you could have a conversation about. But don’t make it about your birthday.

I think you’ve all hit the nail on the head. After reading the replies, I can see I probably did overreact. I probably blindsided DH too, he thought things were fine, whereas I’d been quietly stewing that if I hadn’t organised the weekend away, there wouldn’t have been much effort made for my birthday.

FWIW, I also work full time and because our schedules mean we don’t get much time together, I do like to make a bit of a fuss over birthdays. But I can see that’s an expectation I’ve created myself, and maybe it isn’t entirely fair to pin that on him.

I probably need to tone it down and match his energy for his next birthday and accept that’s probably how mine will be too. I know some people see birthdays as just another day and maybe I am being a bit of a princess, but I’ve always felt like having one day a year where you feel a bit special isn’t a massive ask.

Matching other people's energy regarding birthdays is very freeing. My brother and SIL forgot my birthday 3 years in a row ( it's in the early summer so apparently very inconvenient because it's in the middle if a the end of school year stuff. Neither are teachers , my SIL has only 1 very well behaved daughter, who my brother loves but takes absolutely no responsibility for ,and is not expected to attend any school stuff ,but apparently its very stressful and inconvenient to have to put a piece of card in a envelope and post it). After the third year I decided to say nothing and do nothing. No card , no present, no text, no nothing for his birthday 3 weeks after mine. He was very unhappy about being ignored. He hasnt forgotten my birthday since . His wife always said " Oh well birthdays aren't very important to X" when he forgot mine. Turned out it was just other people's birthdays that weren't important. Match someone else's energy.

I don’t think you’re unreasonable - but equally you shouldn’t have to wait for one specific day a year just to feel special. Does he not bother much the rest of the time either?

I’m going to go against the grain here. I can completely see why you’d be hurt. While you might have had a weekend away, you wanted to feel a little bit special on the day. I don’t think that's unreasonable at all. You are not asking for the world, only that he come home early that day. And if that really wasn’t possible, he could’ve done something else small to surprise you on the day or make your day nicer. The weekend you had away was something you organised and it’d have been nice if he took the lead on doing something for you. I wonder if perhaps that’s what is behind this all. It sounds like you are carrying the home side of things and just want to be seen and feel valued. Of course you benefit from his working long hours in a financial sense but this doesn’t mean you don’t have other needs too. I think he just thought in his head the birthday was ‘done’ that weekend so didn’t think further and you wanted him to. It’s hard for both people in a marriage, I think modern life means we are all running so much and get little time to catch our breath. I think maybe you both need to find ways of showing you appreciate each other on a regular basis. Best wishes x

This. ⬆️ You're being a bit childish. Your life involves having a working husband & parenting your children. You agreed to celebrate on a different date, had an entire weekend to do so, your husband bought you gifts & can't have been home that late if your kids were still up. You still had the entire evening to open gifts, have a glass of wine, get a takeaway, etc. That's a pretty standard weekday birthday for most adults with a family, I'd say!! 🤷‍♀️

But you got a "lovely weekend" and gifts all for yourself, and that wasn't enough for you, you're still moaning.

I think you can still have a special day op or whatever you want your birthday to look like (within reason). Just because others aren't bothered doesn't mean you can't be.

It just involves you both being on the same page and clear communication. Taking control of responsibility and expectation of your birthday is very helpful. So if its really important he says happy birthday on the day tell him. If it's really important he comes home early or takes the day off tell him. If you want him to organise the birthday weekend and childcare tell him. It may involve flexibility and compromise on your part too. My birthday too is at a rubbish time so I have to be willing to move it or accept it will be slightly different.
Be honest and communicate. Then if next year he doesn't do the things you've clearly stated are important to you (and reasonable) then you definitely need a further chat But you've been very clear.

I personally wouldn't stay in a relationship with some who didn't prioritise my birthday. That doesn't make me a princess just birthdays are important to me.

But you did have a special day. In fact you had a special weekend. So you want a third special day.

That’s fine but it’s completely understandable why your DH would assume that you had already celebrated and had your treat, particularly when you’re both in work and he has less control over when he can leave and how much time he can spend with you. The time you did have together you ruined yourself by being petulant, and making everyone feel crap. I think you owe him an apology.

In future if you want a celebration on your actual birthday you should arrange for both of you to take the day off.

She only got the lovely weekend because she booked it and sorted out the childcare to allow it to happen - it’s not like her DH did any work, he just showed up!

I hardly think OP is being unrealistic to except her husband to wish her happy birthday at some point on the actual day - especially when she’s the one who organised her own weekend away and sorted her own childcare 🫣

I can't see anywhere that OP says her DH didn't wish her happy birthday in the morning before work. She says she didn't hear from him through the day. He may have done, he may not have done

What's with adults stropping about a "ruined birthday"? Unless its a landmark birthday, why the big fuss?
Leave it for the little children and get on with your life 😆

Either way I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want to hear from your partner on your birthday, especially when you’re solo parenting 😬

Yeah, how dare adults want to enjoy themselves and have their birthdays recognised 🙄

Honestly, MN is so bizarre when it comes to adults having the audacity to want to celebrate anything.

She got the lovely weekend because she communicated her wants to her husband and organised the weekend based on her wants.

If she wants him to book her a lovely weekend then she should tell him to do that next year, instead of whining that she didn't get a special day when in fact she got two, plus presents.

So to break it down;

You always have to celebrate your birthday early.
You're aware this is ALWAYS a busy period for DH's work.
You're aware he has a hectic career.
He's bought you gifts.
You've refused the gifts.
You enjoyed your birthday celebrations.
You've been blessed with beautiful children.
You've loved to see another birthday.
He's come home from said busy job and you've moaned at him immediately.
And now you're asking if you've been unreasonable???

I'd say the facts speak for themselves. Gratitude is a must, give thanks for all that you've got and apologies for the bratty behaviour.🙄

Well, each to their own, but I have higher expectations than to expect to have to organise my own childcare and weekend away for my birthday.

Jesus Christ. You got a WEEKEND AWAY. So being so bloody precious. It’s my birthday today and you know what? It’s just a day, like any other.