Page 2 | Or was my birthday shit?

Mothership4two · 05/12/2025 00:49

If my or DH's birthdays fall on a weekday, we'll celebrate at the weekend and the day itself is a non-event other than that's when we open presents. I couldn't get that worked up about it. Your DH probably feels like he works his bllcks off and gets a hard time for that. He's going through a busy period, so he's busy. A 'happy birthday' text might have been thoughtful, but maybe, as he's rushed off his feet, it slipped his mind? I think you are going to have to tell him beforehand that you would like him to come home earlier on your actual birthday - he may tell you he's just too busy for that but at least you will have been prewarned.

Edited to add: I hope you did open your presents with him OP

NoRagretsNC · 05/12/2025 00:58

Given your update I disagree with most PPs a little.
You planned and executed your own birthday weekend away including childcare, he also got the benefit of that and then on your actual day he couldn’t be arsed to send you a quick message to acknowledge your birthday.

The coming home late might not be helped to be fair as sometimes you can do a lot to try and get out the door early but sometimes it just doesn’t happen. But he could’ve sent you a message at some point in the day.

I wouldn’t refuse to open gifts or ruin the rest of the evening though. What’s in there might be his way of showing he does care and think of you .….unless he gave you household appliances, then you should definitely LTB 😂 (Edited to add sarcasm)

EddyNeddy · 05/12/2025 00:59

You sound exhausting. Cutting off your nose to spite your face, as my mother would have said.

IHateTheElf · 05/12/2025 01:03

Got to love MN.

You planned your own birthday weekend.

The problem is that upset you (understandable) and that simmered and then it erupted tonight. Did he say HBD this morning? Did he get you a present? Did he do anything without your involvement?

wandawaves · 05/12/2025 01:09

YANBU, it sounds a bit shit. Not a lot shit, but a bit.

Yes you had a lovely weekend away, so that's good... but you organised it, and you're probably right in that if YOU didn't organise it, it wouldn't have happened.

You knew he'd be busy with work, so that's fine. The solo parenting is perfectly fine.
But for him to not even have a 2 minute phonecall, or even send a text??? That's pathetic. I think that's the bit I'd be most upset about.

Then it would've been nice if he could have tried to get home in time for dinner, or even to ensure he got home just in time to have cake and presents before the kids went to bed.

I think you're being a little bit sulky to not want to open presents because of "parenting", but if you had said you'd rather do it tomorrow when the kids aren't ratty and tired and you have time for cake etc, then that would've been fine IMO.

breezyyy · 05/12/2025 01:47

Yeah, you’re being mardy.

Have a hug.

Iwiicit · 05/12/2025 01:47

You sound very self-centered, spoilt and childish.

Daygloboo · 05/12/2025 01:47

FunnyFerret · 04/12/2025 23:46

DH and I usually celebrate my birthday a bit early because my actual birthday falls during a busy period for his work. We had a lovely weekend away to celebrate last weekend, but my birthday is actually today. I didn’t hear from him at all throughout the day then he arrived home late while I was wrangling the DC into bed. We got into a row because I told him I was pissed off that he wasn’t home earlier and I wasn’t in the mood to open presents after a long day of solo parenting.

I said he could have made the effort to come home on time today (it’s 1 fucking day!) and that I often feel like I come second to his work. He says I knew he was busy and that he’s made an effort with the weekend away and feels I am punishing him by refusing the gifts etc.

AIBU? I find myself getting upset most years on my birthday so I’m not sure if it’s just me having blubber or if my day has genuinely been shit.

I spent my 30th birthday completely alone. My husband was working in a youth club in the evening even though he had a 9-5 job and didnt need the extra money. We split up when i was 32. It was just one example of his general thoughtlessness and cluelessness during the marriagr. I felt very lonely and just got steadily sick of him. By the time we split up I didnt really give a fuck anymore.

breezyyy · 05/12/2025 01:51

I’ve had to spend some time in hospital recently and have been completely humbled at the amount of suffering by some lonely people and, equally, by the sheer amazing compassion of the staff.

Perspective.

Franjipanl8r · 05/12/2025 01:53

Most people’s work does take priority, because they need to earn a living.

Iwiicit · 05/12/2025 01:53

breezyyy · 05/12/2025 01:51

I’ve had to spend some time in hospital recently and have been completely humbled at the amount of suffering by some lonely people and, equally, by the sheer amazing compassion of the staff.

Perspective.

Yes exactly. I didn't spend any time with my husband on my birthday this year because he dropped dead completely out of the blue. Perspective.

breezyyy · 05/12/2025 01:58

Iwiicit · 05/12/2025 01:53

Yes exactly. I didn't spend any time with my husband on my birthday this year because he dropped dead completely out of the blue. Perspective.

Edited

Show quote history

So sorry sweetheart. ❤️

Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice · 05/12/2025 02:06

Eeek, sorry but I do think you're being a bit OTT about this. Soooo tired from a day looking after your own children that you couldn't open your presents? Come on, that's definitely martyr territory.

Topseyt123 · 05/12/2025 02:08

I've read all of your updates. I think you are acting like a spoilt brat.

You went away at a weekend to celebrate your birthday. It doesn't matter which of you organised it, you both benefitted.

Refusing to open your presents when he did get home was a dick move, like a petulant and ungrateful child. I think you need to apologise for that and climb down.

RawBloomers · 05/12/2025 04:19

This sounds like a much more general feeling that you aren’t a priority for him at all with the birthday just being the catalyst to voicing your discontent.

Is that the case? Does he ever make you feel important to him? Do you feel that he loves you?

Pippa12 · 05/12/2025 04:27

I think he should have acknowledged your birthday, did he not say happy birthday before he left for work? It wouldn’t take two seconds to send a gif at the very least! Poor behaviour.

Im on the fence about him not being home on time if it’s been accepted it’s his ‘busy time’ every other year, he obviously thinks your expectations are low on the actual day.

You could just do your gifts over the weekend you choose to celebrate on? Alternatively, agree a time he will be home (factoring in inevitable lateness) and get a take away?

I wouldn’t ruin your birthday over it, just sounds like you need to communicate better about it.

notallwhowanderare · 05/12/2025 04:30

You had your birthday last weekend, but you're still moaning? Odd.

OneShoeShort · 05/12/2025 04:32

I'm not sure exactly how this all played out in advance, but one of the most frustrating things in relationships of any kind is when someone initially acts accommodating/flexible and then gets angry or difficult about being taken up on that. It feels like a trap.

So it might look like you saying "I know my birthday is always at a ridiculously busy time for you at work, so let's celebrate the weekend before when you're off. I'll book us a little getaway without the DC and it will be great."
He says wonderful, he really appreciates you coming up with a compromise that makes space for his long work days this time of year while still really celebrating you for your birthday. You both go and have a great weekend. He buys presents for you to open on the actual day as well.
On your birthday he tells you happy birthday in the morning then heads off and the two of you go about your normal weekday routine. He comes home at roughly the same time he does every night this time of year ready to open the presents he got you and... suddenly you weren't ok with moving your birthday celebration to the prior weekend and your planning a weekend away was actually a symbol of him being useless and you're not going to open presents to demonstrate how awful the day was and how it was his fault.

Don't do this. Don't offer flexibility or compromise that he isn't supposed to actually take you up on. It will never end in either of you feeling good.

Nsky62 · 05/12/2025 04:32

HeddaGarbled · 05/12/2025 00:08

I wasn’t in the mood to open presents after a long day of solo parenting

That’s just petulant. Would you have said the same after a long day at work, which is what most of us do on our birthdays?

I always took the day off

SeaShellsSanctuary1 · 05/12/2025 04:33

So you went away for a weekend because you knew he'd be busy on the day.....then complained when he was busy on the day

RainbowClown · 05/12/2025 04:59

Going against the tide here but I don't think you are being unreasonable.

I can see why you are hurt and annoyed. You organised your own bday weekend and he couldn't even text you on your bday or leave work a bit early? Even if he couldn't leave early he could have still made a fuss of you in other low key ways.

you'll get loads of posters telling you life doesn't revolve around you or you are being spoilt but actually your partner's life should revolve around you and your partner should care for you and care and spoil you on your bday, not just shrug his shoulders and say what more doing you want

winterwarmer8274 · 05/12/2025 05:06

You already had a weekend away, you have presents on top of that, and he pre communicated to you he would be busy with work on your birthday.

Did he say he would be home early / did you ask him to come home early? If not, YABU to be moody he wasn't home early given all of the above.

If he didn't say happy birthday to you at any point throughout the day that is shit of him and would upset me - so YANBU to be upset about that.

As for your complaints about him always being busy with work - whether YABU here depends on why he is working so hard.

Is he the sole earner? How many kids do you have, how are your finances? What kind of lifestyle does his work fund for you (assuming a nice one given you can afford a nice weekend away and a baby sitter).

You can't have everything in life - if he is the sole earner and earning a good enough wage to support his family and be able to afford to take you away for your birthday (and buy presents), then you have to accept he is going to be working a lot.

If you want him to be around more, would you have to start working pr increase your hours to afford the same lifestyle? Would you be happy to accept a lifestyle change to have your DH around more?

CoffeeBeansGalore · 05/12/2025 05:07

I can see why you are miffed. You should have got a happy birthday & a kiss before he left.

He should have asked if you wanted him to pick up a takeaway on his way home, even if you then rang & ordered it once he let you know he was on his way.

You both had a weekend away but it involved no effort from him with any thought or organisation.

I don't think you should have refused to open presents. You could have had a nice time relaxing together with a chat & glass of wine together once the kids were settled.
If he was a whingey git when he came home with still no acknowledgement or happy birthday then your behaviour was understandable.

Yes he's busy at work. You are busy every day with the kids (from the sound of it). He gets paid for his busy.
Sometimes it's the feeling of being unappreciated which is the real kicker on "your" day.

I think you both need to talk about this. Tell him what you want for next year. Tell him you will be matching his energy for his next birthday. He can organise his birthday weekend for the 2 of you. He can organise the childcare.
If he's not a "birthday person" he won't be bothered anyway & this is something you will have to work out between you.

TwoBagsOfCompost · 05/12/2025 05:14

Do adults care so much about their birthdays?! Sorry OP, YABVU

luckylavender · 05/12/2025 05:25

You sound a bit precious