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Original poster

Partner & Strip Clubs

58 replies

SunnyLemonLeader · 04/12/2025 18:55

My partner and i have been together around 10 months and are still very much learning about each other and boundaries etc. We’re both 37. 1 Child each, we live separately and see each 3 times a week but have almost daily contact by text or phone calls.

For the most part, i absolutely adore him, am head over heels for him and feel really safe with him. He appears to be an absolute genuine,caring person. But…

On Tuesday morning as he was leaving for work, he openly said that on his xmas work night out this weekend, that he may end up in a strip club because thats what his “workmates” always do, he said hes just interested in boozing not get a private dance etc. He wanted to make me aware and be honest about it. I do appreciate his honesty and its one of the things i really admire about him.

I made it quite clear at that point i wasnt happy about it but didnt go into detail. I had 24 hours thinking on it and the more i thought about it, the unhappier i became.

I didnt want my feelings on it to influence his decision. He is free to make his own decisions. So i said im not happy about it but i dont want to go into my true feelings because i dont want to manipulate his thought and decision making, he can choose to do what he wants.

He has always said its important about talking things through and being completely open about feelings with each other which i like and he said he wanted to know exactly how i feel about it. So i honestly and openly told him how i felt about it. I explained its a mix of my own insecurities (i suffer with Anxiety, im not very confident about myself and recently underwent a hysterectomy which has made me feel less than a woman tbh) and its sort of being a boundary for me. I said i was worried i would lose respect for him and i really do not know how ill react to it. All i know for sure is how i feel right now.

I openly admit i dont like the thought of him gawping at near naked women, i dont like the thought of near naked women being around him. I understand its a job for them and its all about the money not the man. But these women in these clubs are beautiful with amazing figures and i know i wouldn’t ever compare to them in the looks and figure department.

I do genuinely trust he wouldn’t do anything and i have tried really hard to tell myself its just a laugh with the lads and its just a thing i have to be uncomfortable with and get over but i cant.

He said he “respects me” as his partner and he wouldnt go to the strip club on this occasion.
But he asked how id feel if it was a stag do and whilst i still dont like it, for some reason that sits easier with me. Its almost the done thing on stag do’s and its expected. I could swallow that. He would be with friends/close family (hes not exactly friends with the people he works with) and it just feels different to this current scenario. I honestly cant explain why i feel that way. I am pretty open minded and if he suggested we went together I wouldn’t be against it. It may even be fun. Who knows.

I do not want to clip his wings, i want him to be free to do what he likes when he likes but i cant help my feelings about it.

He said the matter was “put to bed” the decision had been made, he wasnt going and that was the end of it. But today hes messaged me saying he wants some head space to process what we spoke about and i feel like im being punished now for being honest about my feelings. He is very much into mindfulness and sitting with emotions and processing things but im scared to death when we have had these chats in the past he always end up saying things like i dont think we’ll work, maybe we’re not meant to be together and other things along them lines and i always took the blame so i didnt lose him (which is sad i know) so i was already anxious about telling him i didn't feel comfortable with it because i had a feeling this is where he would go with it again.

I don't feel like i can ever win with him and when he does ask for honesty from me, i don't feel like he actually wants it, particularly if it doesn’t match what he wants or believes.

Am i in the wrong here for feeling this way? Am i being unreasonable and controlling?
My previous relationship was abusive and i was manipulated, so its important to me that im not that way and i genuinely dont feel like i am manipulative or controlling.

Im questioning my feelings and i feel like shouldn’t be. Ive been told by my therapist to accept what isn't in my control and i shouldn’t hide my feelings or dismiss how i feel to keep someone else happy, i just have to learn to accept i feel that way and try and move on. Which is what ive tried to do in this situation.

Im sorry i know thats a lot of information and it probably doesn’t make a lot of sense so if anyone needs clarification on anything please just say.

OP posts:
ElfAndSafetyBored · 04/12/2025 19:04

I wouldn’t date a man who goes to strip clubs. I find it disrespectful.

If you feel the same, probably best to end it now.

Wellstonethecrows · 04/12/2025 19:05

I openly admit i dont like the thought of him gawping at near naked women, i dont like the thought of near naked women being around him

In most strip clubs the performers aren't near naked. They are fully naked.

I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with a man who goes to strip clubs. Who sees women as objects to be bought.

Fleurdeville · 04/12/2025 19:07

I don’t think from what you have said tgat the issue is with you. He sounds a bit emotionally immature. He told you about it, based on you sharing your feelings said he wouldn’t go then said he needed some space to think about this ( and had done this before?). He doesn’t know his own mind, OP. He wants to be someone he can’t quite measure up to ath the moment I think.

Fleurdeville · 04/12/2025 19:09

Also not every man goes to those clubs on stag dos. Don’t fall for that. You are trying to set a high bar for yourself so don’t compromise. You don’t need to.

rumred · 04/12/2025 19:12

Maybe the real issue is not about you and your locus of control, but that it may well mean he views women as inferior and objects. Which you can't control but maybe don't want that in a partner. I certainly wouldn't. He may not have thought it through and made the connections to the subjugation of women. I can see why you're struggling with it, don't give yourself a hard time about it.

Arlanymor · 04/12/2025 19:14

This doesn’t need to be anymore complicated than: Do you want to be in a relationship with someone who goes to strip clubs?

If you don’t, then don’t be in the relationship. I wouldn’t. No matter how much deep thinking and drawn out conversations could be had - it’s a red line for me and sounds like it is for you too. So don’t put up with it and find someone else who doesn’t think it’s an acceptable thing to do. It’s honestly that simple, I promise.

Sugarsugarcane · 04/12/2025 19:20

Think the bigger issue here is his manipulative behaviour, he’s setting you up to fail / be punished by asking you to be open and honest then THREATENING to finish the relationship, this is the important bit because actually if he felt your values didn’t align then he would actually end the relationship. What he’s doing is putting enough bait out for you to take and then he can systematically shut you down for good with his reaction.
the controlling behaviour is coming from him not you.
think about this situation with the strip club, he’s asked you your thoughts, you shared, he said ok BUT then he didn’t leave it at that, what’s with the hypothetical stag do strip club and then saying he needs head space.
absolutely fuck all of this off, you’ll spend far too much of your life treading on eggshells. He’s telling you one thing - that he’s kind, caring and honest - but you’re not clocking his actions.
Look at some YouTube videos on covert narcissists, he may have traits.
in my experience anyone who has to tell you all the time how wonderful they are turns out to be quite the opposite.
youre vulnerable to emotional abuse after coming out of an abusive relationship previously, put the time and energy into yourself not this guy xx

Swiftie1878 · 04/12/2025 19:20

He is manipulating you, pretending to want hear about and care about your feelings, but then threatening to leave if you don’t ultimately comply with what he wants.
The strip club thing has just crystallised this basic problem.
I’d bail. It’s only going to get worse the longer you stay together. This is supposed to be the easy, honeymoon phase. It’s not. You deserve better.

mullers1977 · 04/12/2025 19:24

SunnyLemonLeader · 04/12/2025 18:55

My partner and i have been together around 10 months and are still very much learning about each other and boundaries etc. We’re both 37. 1 Child each, we live separately and see each 3 times a week but have almost daily contact by text or phone calls.

For the most part, i absolutely adore him, am head over heels for him and feel really safe with him. He appears to be an absolute genuine,caring person. But…

On Tuesday morning as he was leaving for work, he openly said that on his xmas work night out this weekend, that he may end up in a strip club because thats what his “workmates” always do, he said hes just interested in boozing not get a private dance etc. He wanted to make me aware and be honest about it. I do appreciate his honesty and its one of the things i really admire about him.

I made it quite clear at that point i wasnt happy about it but didnt go into detail. I had 24 hours thinking on it and the more i thought about it, the unhappier i became.

I didnt want my feelings on it to influence his decision. He is free to make his own decisions. So i said im not happy about it but i dont want to go into my true feelings because i dont want to manipulate his thought and decision making, he can choose to do what he wants.

He has always said its important about talking things through and being completely open about feelings with each other which i like and he said he wanted to know exactly how i feel about it. So i honestly and openly told him how i felt about it. I explained its a mix of my own insecurities (i suffer with Anxiety, im not very confident about myself and recently underwent a hysterectomy which has made me feel less than a woman tbh) and its sort of being a boundary for me. I said i was worried i would lose respect for him and i really do not know how ill react to it. All i know for sure is how i feel right now.

I openly admit i dont like the thought of him gawping at near naked women, i dont like the thought of near naked women being around him. I understand its a job for them and its all about the money not the man. But these women in these clubs are beautiful with amazing figures and i know i wouldn’t ever compare to them in the looks and figure department.

I do genuinely trust he wouldn’t do anything and i have tried really hard to tell myself its just a laugh with the lads and its just a thing i have to be uncomfortable with and get over but i cant.

He said he “respects me” as his partner and he wouldnt go to the strip club on this occasion.
But he asked how id feel if it was a stag do and whilst i still dont like it, for some reason that sits easier with me. Its almost the done thing on stag do’s and its expected. I could swallow that. He would be with friends/close family (hes not exactly friends with the people he works with) and it just feels different to this current scenario. I honestly cant explain why i feel that way. I am pretty open minded and if he suggested we went together I wouldn’t be against it. It may even be fun. Who knows.

I do not want to clip his wings, i want him to be free to do what he likes when he likes but i cant help my feelings about it.

He said the matter was “put to bed” the decision had been made, he wasnt going and that was the end of it. But today hes messaged me saying he wants some head space to process what we spoke about and i feel like im being punished now for being honest about my feelings. He is very much into mindfulness and sitting with emotions and processing things but im scared to death when we have had these chats in the past he always end up saying things like i dont think we’ll work, maybe we’re not meant to be together and other things along them lines and i always took the blame so i didnt lose him (which is sad i know) so i was already anxious about telling him i didn't feel comfortable with it because i had a feeling this is where he would go with it again.

I don't feel like i can ever win with him and when he does ask for honesty from me, i don't feel like he actually wants it, particularly if it doesn’t match what he wants or believes.

Am i in the wrong here for feeling this way? Am i being unreasonable and controlling?
My previous relationship was abusive and i was manipulated, so its important to me that im not that way and i genuinely dont feel like i am manipulative or controlling.

Im questioning my feelings and i feel like shouldn’t be. Ive been told by my therapist to accept what isn't in my control and i shouldn’t hide my feelings or dismiss how i feel to keep someone else happy, i just have to learn to accept i feel that way and try and move on. Which is what ive tried to do in this situation.

Im sorry i know thats a lot of information and it probably doesn’t make a lot of sense so if anyone needs clarification on anything please just say.

He sounds awful, I’ve never heard of anyone that ‘sits with feelings and is mindful’ but thinks it’s ok to go to strip clubs and watch women degrade themselves, he’s a liar.

MincePudding · 04/12/2025 19:24

There are just so many men out there and things I like yo do alone that I just thinking take an approach of deciding thst its a deal breaker that we don't see eye to eye on.

Fish in a different pool

Vaxtable · 04/12/2025 19:27

when we have had these chats in the past he always end up saying things like i dont think we’ll work, maybe we’re not meant to be together and other things along them lines and i always took the blame so i didnt lose him (which is sad i know)

This is manipulation, never mind mindfulness. You explain how you feel it doesn’t fit what he thinks you should feel, he tells you you won’t work, you change your mind

he is not going to change, and in my case a strip club is a hard no, party or stag do it’s not going to happen

dump him

InterestedDad37 · 04/12/2025 19:27

His "mindfulness" will probably entail asking his friends to maintain that it's really a stag do for one of them.
He's looking for an excuse to go, and feels worse about losing face with his friends than showing his total lack of respect for you.

NutButterOnToast · 04/12/2025 19:31

Sugarsugarcane · 04/12/2025 19:20

Think the bigger issue here is his manipulative behaviour, he’s setting you up to fail / be punished by asking you to be open and honest then THREATENING to finish the relationship, this is the important bit because actually if he felt your values didn’t align then he would actually end the relationship. What he’s doing is putting enough bait out for you to take and then he can systematically shut you down for good with his reaction.
the controlling behaviour is coming from him not you.
think about this situation with the strip club, he’s asked you your thoughts, you shared, he said ok BUT then he didn’t leave it at that, what’s with the hypothetical stag do strip club and then saying he needs head space.
absolutely fuck all of this off, you’ll spend far too much of your life treading on eggshells. He’s telling you one thing - that he’s kind, caring and honest - but you’re not clocking his actions.
Look at some YouTube videos on covert narcissists, he may have traits.
in my experience anyone who has to tell you all the time how wonderful they are turns out to be quite the opposite.
youre vulnerable to emotional abuse after coming out of an abusive relationship previously, put the time and energy into yourself not this guy xx

Read this and @Swiftie1878

It'swhat i wanted to say but they were quicker.

I picked up on what you said about feeling like you can't win. He makes you feel off balance, you question yourself, you cling harder because he's not making you feel secure in your relationship.

It shouldn't be this hard at this stage.

Bin.

Horrorscope · 04/12/2025 19:31

Ten months in and he’s probably still on his best behaviour. But I’m willing to bet things will head in a pretty negative direction (for you) given what you’ve said.

I think you need to put your own standards first and not give in to things that you’re not happy with. He doesn’t respect women either.

Userengage · 04/12/2025 19:33

Sugarsugarcane · 04/12/2025 19:20

Think the bigger issue here is his manipulative behaviour, he’s setting you up to fail / be punished by asking you to be open and honest then THREATENING to finish the relationship, this is the important bit because actually if he felt your values didn’t align then he would actually end the relationship. What he’s doing is putting enough bait out for you to take and then he can systematically shut you down for good with his reaction.
the controlling behaviour is coming from him not you.
think about this situation with the strip club, he’s asked you your thoughts, you shared, he said ok BUT then he didn’t leave it at that, what’s with the hypothetical stag do strip club and then saying he needs head space.
absolutely fuck all of this off, you’ll spend far too much of your life treading on eggshells. He’s telling you one thing - that he’s kind, caring and honest - but you’re not clocking his actions.
Look at some YouTube videos on covert narcissists, he may have traits.
in my experience anyone who has to tell you all the time how wonderful they are turns out to be quite the opposite.
youre vulnerable to emotional abuse after coming out of an abusive relationship previously, put the time and energy into yourself not this guy xx

All of this. You’ve said that every time you have these type of chats he says that you won’t work and then you backpedal. He’s a master manipulator, stop falling for it.

You’re “scared to death”? I know it’s a turn of phrase but what are you really afraid of? This is not a relationship, it’s punishment.

I bet if you dump him your anxiety would ease right up.

Userengage · 04/12/2025 19:36

And his mindfulness! Pretending he’s deep when he’s as shallow as a puddle.

balanceandfall · 04/12/2025 19:40

It wouldn’t be about if he still went knowing I was upset, if he considered going or had been before he’d be somebody I used to know.

Original poster
SunnyLemonLeader · 04/12/2025 19:42

I just want to make it clear, i am not the easiest person to be around sometimes.
I do struggle with my moods which is why i see a therapist and take anti depressants.

On one occasion quite early on i blew my top and put him in a difficult position of telling him to choose me over his daughter-it was never about his daughter, more him hanging out with his ex wife at a sports game that i didnt like.

It never meant to come out that way but it did and i owned it and apologised. Id been under a lot of stress at work and that was the straw that broke the camels back. That was the first occasion when he said he wasnt sure we are compatible/we are not meant to be. Which i understand from his POV. It was an extreme reaction and if it ever comes up, i always apologise for it.

i have a lot more self control and am getting a lot better with regulating my own moods and taking the time to rationalise my thoughts and thinking about the issue instead of just reacting. I dont want people thinking im a complete angel. Im not perfect.

OP posts:
Userengage · 04/12/2025 19:47

You asked him to choose between you and his daughter (bad move as you know) but that doesn’t mean you have to tolerate his manipulation and, back to the original topic, him going to a strip club. You’re not desperate for any man, cock is in plentiful supply.

CalzoneOnLegs · 04/12/2025 19:50

He is a sleazebg, at least you know now so up to you to decide if that’s for you.

Original poster
SunnyLemonLeader · 04/12/2025 20:17

SunnyLemonLeader · 04/12/2025 18:55

My partner and i have been together around 10 months and are still very much learning about each other and boundaries etc. We’re both 37. 1 Child each, we live separately and see each 3 times a week but have almost daily contact by text or phone calls.

For the most part, i absolutely adore him, am head over heels for him and feel really safe with him. He appears to be an absolute genuine,caring person. But…

On Tuesday morning as he was leaving for work, he openly said that on his xmas work night out this weekend, that he may end up in a strip club because thats what his “workmates” always do, he said hes just interested in boozing not get a private dance etc. He wanted to make me aware and be honest about it. I do appreciate his honesty and its one of the things i really admire about him.

I made it quite clear at that point i wasnt happy about it but didnt go into detail. I had 24 hours thinking on it and the more i thought about it, the unhappier i became.

I didnt want my feelings on it to influence his decision. He is free to make his own decisions. So i said im not happy about it but i dont want to go into my true feelings because i dont want to manipulate his thought and decision making, he can choose to do what he wants.

He has always said its important about talking things through and being completely open about feelings with each other which i like and he said he wanted to know exactly how i feel about it. So i honestly and openly told him how i felt about it. I explained its a mix of my own insecurities (i suffer with Anxiety, im not very confident about myself and recently underwent a hysterectomy which has made me feel less than a woman tbh) and its sort of being a boundary for me. I said i was worried i would lose respect for him and i really do not know how ill react to it. All i know for sure is how i feel right now.

I openly admit i dont like the thought of him gawping at near naked women, i dont like the thought of near naked women being around him. I understand its a job for them and its all about the money not the man. But these women in these clubs are beautiful with amazing figures and i know i wouldn’t ever compare to them in the looks and figure department.

I do genuinely trust he wouldn’t do anything and i have tried really hard to tell myself its just a laugh with the lads and its just a thing i have to be uncomfortable with and get over but i cant.

He said he “respects me” as his partner and he wouldnt go to the strip club on this occasion.
But he asked how id feel if it was a stag do and whilst i still dont like it, for some reason that sits easier with me. Its almost the done thing on stag do’s and its expected. I could swallow that. He would be with friends/close family (hes not exactly friends with the people he works with) and it just feels different to this current scenario. I honestly cant explain why i feel that way. I am pretty open minded and if he suggested we went together I wouldn’t be against it. It may even be fun. Who knows.

I do not want to clip his wings, i want him to be free to do what he likes when he likes but i cant help my feelings about it.

He said the matter was “put to bed” the decision had been made, he wasnt going and that was the end of it. But today hes messaged me saying he wants some head space to process what we spoke about and i feel like im being punished now for being honest about my feelings. He is very much into mindfulness and sitting with emotions and processing things but im scared to death when we have had these chats in the past he always end up saying things like i dont think we’ll work, maybe we’re not meant to be together and other things along them lines and i always took the blame so i didnt lose him (which is sad i know) so i was already anxious about telling him i didn't feel comfortable with it because i had a feeling this is where he would go with it again.

I don't feel like i can ever win with him and when he does ask for honesty from me, i don't feel like he actually wants it, particularly if it doesn’t match what he wants or believes.

Am i in the wrong here for feeling this way? Am i being unreasonable and controlling?
My previous relationship was abusive and i was manipulated, so its important to me that im not that way and i genuinely dont feel like i am manipulative or controlling.

Im questioning my feelings and i feel like shouldn’t be. Ive been told by my therapist to accept what isn't in my control and i shouldn’t hide my feelings or dismiss how i feel to keep someone else happy, i just have to learn to accept i feel that way and try and move on. Which is what ive tried to do in this situation.

Im sorry i know thats a lot of information and it probably doesn’t make a lot of sense so if anyone needs clarification on anything please just say.

Im scared of losing him, ive been with some utter creatures over the years and my partner seems to be the complete opposite of them. When we’re good, we are absolute gold.

He has only ever been in 1 relationship prior to me (that lasted around 20 years)
He was very badly hurt by her in the end and he has issues with abandonment and believes he is always going to get left by the women he loves. He is a difficult person to read and he struggles to open up. I don't believe for a second hes a manipulator. I think i have worded my post badly (unintentionally)

I mentioned him saying he needing headspace because if my gut feeling is right, from the 2 other occasions wheb he said he needed it, he’s considering whether he wants to be with me & whether we are compatible (sharing values/morals etc) thats what he does & I'm worried ive brought this on myself by being unreasonable about the strip club thing.

OP posts:
pinkiestinky · 04/12/2025 20:24

This is awful. Please end this relationship if he’s doing this to your sense of self. Gross. All of it.

Endofyear · 04/12/2025 20:25

It sounds like a lot of angst for a 10 month relationship. Do you not think what he's done here is emotionally manipulative? He doesn't like that you don't like the idea of him paying to see naked women dance for him and his drunken workmates so now he needs 'headspace' to process what you've spoken about. That seems pretty manipulative to me.

I have to say that you sound quite needy and willing to compromise yourself to keep him, which is not healthy in a relationship. You are equals and you should be confident enough to say how you feel without feeling like he's going to end the relationship. If he's already said this before and you've only been together 10 months, that doesn't bode well.

OttersMayHaveShifted · 04/12/2025 20:29

Quite aside from the cheating/disloyalty aspect, it just means he's a sleazebag who works with and hangs out with sleazebags. Is that really the kind of man you want to be in a relationship with? Tbh I wouldn't even want to be friends with a bloke who went to strip clubs, never mind be in a relationship with one.

ChaToilLeam · 04/12/2025 20:32

I'd throw this one back. He doesn't respect women.