Partner & Strip Clubs

[SunnyLemonLeader]

My partner and i have been together around 10 months and are still very much learning about each other and boundaries etc. We’re both 37. 1 Child each, we live separately and see each 3 times a week but have almost daily contact by text or phone calls.

For the most part, i absolutely adore him, am head over heels for him and feel really safe with him. He appears to be an absolute genuine,caring person. But…

On Tuesday morning as he was leaving for work, he openly said that on his xmas work night out this weekend, that he may end up in a strip club because thats what his “workmates” always do, he said hes just interested in boozing not get a private dance etc. He wanted to make me aware and be honest about it. I do appreciate his honesty and its one of the things i really admire about him.

I made it quite clear at that point i wasnt happy about it but didnt go into detail. I had 24 hours thinking on it and the more i thought about it, the unhappier i became.

I didnt want my feelings on it to influence his decision. He is free to make his own decisions. So i said im not happy about it but i dont want to go into my true feelings because i dont want to manipulate his thought and decision making, he can choose to do what he wants.

He has always said its important about talking things through and being completely open about feelings with each other which i like and he said he wanted to know exactly how i feel about it. So i honestly and openly told him how i felt about it. I explained its a mix of my own insecurities (i suffer with Anxiety, im not very confident about myself and recently underwent a hysterectomy which has made me feel less than a woman tbh) and its sort of being a boundary for me. I said i was worried i would lose respect for him and i really do not know how ill react to it. All i know for sure is how i feel right now.

I openly admit i dont like the thought of him gawping at near naked women, i dont like the thought of near naked women being around him. I understand its a job for them and its all about the money not the man. But these women in these clubs are beautiful with amazing figures and i know i wouldn’t ever compare to them in the looks and figure department.

I do genuinely trust he wouldn’t do anything and i have tried really hard to tell myself its just a laugh with the lads and its just a thing i have to be uncomfortable with and get over but i cant.

He said he “respects me” as his partner and he wouldnt go to the strip club on this occasion.
But he asked how id feel if it was a stag do and whilst i still dont like it, for some reason that sits easier with me. Its almost the done thing on stag do’s and its expected. I could swallow that. He would be with friends/close family (hes not exactly friends with the people he works with) and it just feels different to this current scenario. I honestly cant explain why i feel that way. I am pretty open minded and if he suggested we went together I wouldn’t be against it. It may even be fun. Who knows.

I do not want to clip his wings, i want him to be free to do what he likes when he likes but i cant help my feelings about it.

He said the matter was “put to bed” the decision had been made, he wasnt going and that was the end of it. But today hes messaged me saying he wants some head space to process what we spoke about and i feel like im being punished now for being honest about my feelings. He is very much into mindfulness and sitting with emotions and processing things but im scared to death when we have had these chats in the past he always end up saying things like i dont think we’ll work, maybe we’re not meant to be together and other things along them lines and i always took the blame so i didnt lose him (which is sad i know) so i was already anxious about telling him i didn't feel comfortable with it because i had a feeling this is where he would go with it again.

I don't feel like i can ever win with him and when he does ask for honesty from me, i don't feel like he actually wants it, particularly if it doesn’t match what he wants or believes.

Am i in the wrong here for feeling this way? Am i being unreasonable and controlling?
My previous relationship was abusive and i was manipulated, so its important to me that im not that way and i genuinely dont feel like i am manipulative or controlling.

Im questioning my feelings and i feel like shouldn’t be. Ive been told by my therapist to accept what isn't in my control and i shouldn’t hide my feelings or dismiss how i feel to keep someone else happy, i just have to learn to accept i feel that way and try and move on. Which is what ive tried to do in this situation.

Im sorry i know thats a lot of information and it probably doesn’t make a lot of sense so if anyone needs clarification on anything please just say.

Do you think it would be unreasonable of him to object to you getting naked and grinding against some random guy in a bar? No? Then why on earth would you be unreasonable to object to him going to a strip club?

Please stop putting yourself down and blaming yourself. He sounds very manipulative. You've come here for some advice/direction from outsiders. Do listen to what is being said.

He has said that himself. That it shouldn’t be this hard after 10 months,he said the first year with his ex was a breeze, i dont disagree tbh but life has taken a good chunk out of me and ive learnt some really unhealthy ways of dealing with things which im unlearning, it has been difficult on a few occasions but most of the time its good and that outweighs the bad and we are both working through stuff that we’ve never dealt with before.

That is always going to make things harder but how i feel about him and what he says he feels about me, i dont want to throw something away because of a few difficulties whilst we learn about each other.

I dont trust my own head sometimes, i have in the past (in all aspects of life not just a relationship) made something small into a big issue, my anxiety makes me look at the worst case in everything i do and i feel like im doing that with the strip club thing.

I dont think im needy, but i respect your opinion.
Im happy in my own company, i was single for 2 years before we got together. It doesn’t bother me that he wants to do his own thing and id hate to be one of those couples joined at the hip. Its just this strip club thing that has really bothered me.

A strip club sounds so dated, and quite sad.

I have never objected to it. He is a free man to do what he pleases (within reason)

Im honestly worried because i dont like the thought of it, im worried im going to lose respect for him. He isnt breaking any laws, hes not cheating.Hes not hurting anyone really but my feelings. I just dont like it.

I agree with PP. I wouldn’t date someone who chooses to visit strip clubs.

You can’t control his behaviour, nor should you. But it’s OK to have that boundary and enforce it by ending the relationship.

Any man who feels he has to follow the crowd because other people are doing something isn’t worth your time.

He is his own individual person and if he doesn’t want to go he can say it like a grown adult. There’s nothing wrong with him going on the works night out and then heading home when his sleazy friends head to the strip club. All it takes is a “it’s not for me thanks, have a good night.”

I spoke to my mum and sister about the strip club thing prior to having the big chat with him and they had different opinions. For my sister it was a hard no, she wouldn’t be with someone who did go to these places and my mum said she wouldn’t be bothered, its a bit of fun.

Are there any women here that dont care/mind? Id be really interested on hearing thoughts from people who are not against it.

I feel like i have made myself a bit of a victim here, hes really not a bad person at all. Hes very set in his thought processes and wont take any “shit” as he calls it - i think he means he knows his worth and what he is willing to accept in a relationship.

The guy has some patience to deal with me i think. Im not angry or violent but i do close off and i feel lucky sometimes that he can see past that. It must be difficult for him too.

I said this to him “hes following the crowd” and he said it felt like i was questioning his character and he didnt like that.

I wasnt, its just that simple to me. If you dont want to go or you have enough respect for your partner you just say “im done, im off home”

I tried to look at it from his POV, if i was with a load of female friends and there was an all male strip club would i go. I can honestly say no. If im with someone the only person i want to see naked is them. To me id feel like i was being disrespectful. But men are wired differently.

Fuck no. I would not be with someone who goes to these places but not because I am insecure. I believe women are not commodities and that anything that exploits women like prostitution, porn, surrogacy and strip clubs should be banned. Vulnerable women in all of them. It’s not just a job. It’s what women do when they have no choice.

Women and girls are not commodities to be consumed by men.

He is vile. Throw this one back.

I would not date a man who went to strip clubs or anything like that tbh i would end it now its a show of things to come op dont be a mug 10 months is not a long time

It is questioning his character and it is showing that he’s willing to just follow the crowd to fit in with the “lads” and he doesn’t like that being bought to light.

any real man wouldn’t be afraid to stand up for their morals and turn down the invite.

@SunnyLemonLeader

You don’t need to justify your feelings and preferences and you don’t need to find women who are ok with their partners visiting strip clubs.

It’s your opinions and feelings that matter in your relationship not other people’s.

Youve voiced to him how you feel all you can do is see how he takes that information and make a decision from there.

a relationship is about mutual respect and if he knows this is something that would cause you distress he shouldn’t be doing it.

This.

It seems like you're looking for people to say that it is ok for him to go to strip clubs, it's not a problem and that your feelings are not valid. That would give you a reason to continue the relationship despite your gut telling you not to. Trust your instincts. Stick to your values. You can't force yourself to be happy with someone who dismisses your feelings.

Never ever bend yourself into a shape to become more accommodating and ‘loved’ by a man who you ultimately aren’t compatible with.

I wouldn’t ever date a man who is the type to go to a strip club. It tells me everything I need to know about them. And it has nothing to do with my self esteem or how ‘gorgeous’ other women are. I think I’m pretty great and I think men who go to strip clubs are gross. End of.

I’m sorry you’re upset at the prospect of this relationship ending. I know that sucks. But if losing a partner to a strip joint is OK in his book then he can crack on with that sad little life.

Going to strip clubs with work mates is gross.
It’s not ‘clipping his wings’ to say that it’s gross and a deal breaker for you. Wouldn’t you want a man who isn’t interested in going to those places?

This.

I agree about the sleazy workmates, its even worse the management at his work encourage their single workers to sleep with prostitutes and pay for it on work funded Dutch Dashes from what ive been told. I have zero respect for them. I think they are absolutely vile and i feel sorry for their partners.

But i do have respect for my partner and trust. I want him to be free to make his own decisions without being influenced or manipulated by my feelings or worrying about my reaction. Hes a smart man, he knows right and wrong and i dont think he would intentionally go out of his way to disrespect me. He just has a different view about strippers to me.

I believe relationships are about compromise and sometimes bending (for each other) in certain situations and thats why ive come here. To get an honest opinion from other people because my views aren’t necessarily the same as everyone elses.

He hasnt said or threatened to end it yet but on the occasions where he has said he needed space to process it, that has been the outcome. So from
experience im worried thats what is going through his mind.

I agree with everyone in that i think its objectifying women, they are treated as things to buy. I look at it as sexual contact outside of a relationship which to some could be classed as cheating. But i look at things negatively, and i want to hear from women who aren’t against it and maybe see if there is any advice they could offer me which could help me accept it and still have a good relationship. I’ll never like it but i could find a way of dealing with it so he feels comfortable doing his own thing and i can crack on with my own life and not give it a second thought or feel threatened by it. I may not ever be comfortable with it but i am open to peoples opinions who are for and against it.

I wouldn't be with someone who went to a strip club and definitely wouldn't be with someone who made me choose between them and my child, regardless of an apology. Once said, it can't be took back.
This relationship sounds dead in the water, so much angst in just 10 months.

But today hes messaged me saying he wants some head space to process what we spoke about and i feel like im being punished now for being honest about my feelings. He is very much into mindfulness and sitting with emotions and processing things but im scared to death when we have had these chats in the past he always end up saying things like i dont think we’ll work, maybe we’re not meant to be together and other things along them lines and i always took the blame so i didnt lose him (which is sad i know) so i was already anxious about telling him i didn't feel comfortable with it because i had a feeling this is where he would go with it again.

This bit stood out for me.

Strippers aside, why is he holding you to ransom over your perfectly valid feelings? It shouldn't be this hard to communicate with someone who has all the positive attributes you mention. I think he is trying to unsettle you with these comments. Ditto the mention of going to a strip club, which I wouldn't be comfortable with, either. It's no wonder you're anxious, OP. He's acting in a way that makes you feel worried for the future of your relationship when you mention valid concerns. It's not you, it's him.

Yuk. This is just gross. He doesn’t have to go to a strip club. He’s choosing to. When I was married to my exH, he worked in the city where it was commonplace on boys nights out to go to strip clubs. He always said ‘it’s not my scene’ and came home. He’s not going there just to drink!

He sounds at best very immature, but really quite gross and disrespectful towards women. Strip clubs are exploitive.

I’m not a fan myself as know full well as an ex-sex worker 35 years since, how depraved and lusty ‘good family men’ are and the effect that novelty naked women have on them

I always find these threads mildly bewildering, however, when the main objection women on here raise is that the issue for them is that the women in these clubs are being exploited and this is their objection to their men attending. Really, when we all know nobody actually gives a crap about women in these scenarios -willing or otherwise - it is simply a case of not wanting your man, in a primitive sense- and rightly so as in my experience the ‘best men’ were always the worst - to be exposed to attractive, naked or semi naked, ‘threats’ cavorting about

nobody gives a weavers really about the women or the principle of the whole thing , same as porn - it’s the threat and women’s own insecurities.

OP, gently - it sounds like your self esteem is in the gutter. Look at what you’re doing / you’re begging for women here to tell you what he is doing is okay and advice on how to change for him. This is bullshit. You deserve someone who cherishes who you are, not someone who is manipulating you when you reveal your true feelings. He sounds revolting - a really sleaze and someone who twists things around to suit themselves. Ditch him, have more therapy, learn to love yourself.