Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner & Strip Clubs

58 replies

SunnyLemonLeader · 04/12/2025 18:55

My partner and i have been together around 10 months and are still very much learning about each other and boundaries etc. We’re both 37. 1 Child each, we live separately and see each 3 times a week but have almost daily contact by text or phone calls.

For the most part, i absolutely adore him, am head over heels for him and feel really safe with him. He appears to be an absolute genuine,caring person. But…

On Tuesday morning as he was leaving for work, he openly said that on his xmas work night out this weekend, that he may end up in a strip club because thats what his “workmates” always do, he said hes just interested in boozing not get a private dance etc. He wanted to make me aware and be honest about it. I do appreciate his honesty and its one of the things i really admire about him.

I made it quite clear at that point i wasnt happy about it but didnt go into detail. I had 24 hours thinking on it and the more i thought about it, the unhappier i became.

I didnt want my feelings on it to influence his decision. He is free to make his own decisions. So i said im not happy about it but i dont want to go into my true feelings because i dont want to manipulate his thought and decision making, he can choose to do what he wants.

He has always said its important about talking things through and being completely open about feelings with each other which i like and he said he wanted to know exactly how i feel about it. So i honestly and openly told him how i felt about it. I explained its a mix of my own insecurities (i suffer with Anxiety, im not very confident about myself and recently underwent a hysterectomy which has made me feel less than a woman tbh) and its sort of being a boundary for me. I said i was worried i would lose respect for him and i really do not know how ill react to it. All i know for sure is how i feel right now.

I openly admit i dont like the thought of him gawping at near naked women, i dont like the thought of near naked women being around him. I understand its a job for them and its all about the money not the man. But these women in these clubs are beautiful with amazing figures and i know i wouldn’t ever compare to them in the looks and figure department.

I do genuinely trust he wouldn’t do anything and i have tried really hard to tell myself its just a laugh with the lads and its just a thing i have to be uncomfortable with and get over but i cant.

He said he “respects me” as his partner and he wouldnt go to the strip club on this occasion.
But he asked how id feel if it was a stag do and whilst i still dont like it, for some reason that sits easier with me. Its almost the done thing on stag do’s and its expected. I could swallow that. He would be with friends/close family (hes not exactly friends with the people he works with) and it just feels different to this current scenario. I honestly cant explain why i feel that way. I am pretty open minded and if he suggested we went together I wouldn’t be against it. It may even be fun. Who knows.

I do not want to clip his wings, i want him to be free to do what he likes when he likes but i cant help my feelings about it.

He said the matter was “put to bed” the decision had been made, he wasnt going and that was the end of it. But today hes messaged me saying he wants some head space to process what we spoke about and i feel like im being punished now for being honest about my feelings. He is very much into mindfulness and sitting with emotions and processing things but im scared to death when we have had these chats in the past he always end up saying things like i dont think we’ll work, maybe we’re not meant to be together and other things along them lines and i always took the blame so i didnt lose him (which is sad i know) so i was already anxious about telling him i didn't feel comfortable with it because i had a feeling this is where he would go with it again.

I don't feel like i can ever win with him and when he does ask for honesty from me, i don't feel like he actually wants it, particularly if it doesn’t match what he wants or believes.

Am i in the wrong here for feeling this way? Am i being unreasonable and controlling?
My previous relationship was abusive and i was manipulated, so its important to me that im not that way and i genuinely dont feel like i am manipulative or controlling.

Im questioning my feelings and i feel like shouldn’t be. Ive been told by my therapist to accept what isn't in my control and i shouldn’t hide my feelings or dismiss how i feel to keep someone else happy, i just have to learn to accept i feel that way and try and move on. Which is what ive tried to do in this situation.

Im sorry i know thats a lot of information and it probably doesn’t make a lot of sense so if anyone needs clarification on anything please just say.

OP posts:
ScorchingEgg · 05/12/2025 22:33

Imanexcellentdrivercharliebabbit · 05/12/2025 22:30

I’m not a fan myself as know full well as an ex-sex worker 35 years since, how depraved and lusty ‘good family men’ are and the effect that novelty naked women have on them

I always find these threads mildly bewildering, however, when the main objection women on here raise is that the issue for them is that the women in these clubs are being exploited and this is their objection to their men attending. Really, when we all know nobody actually gives a crap about women in these scenarios -willing or otherwise - it is simply a case of not wanting your man, in a primitive sense- and rightly so as in my experience the ‘best men’ were always the worst - to be exposed to attractive, naked or semi naked, ‘threats’ cavorting about

nobody gives a weavers really about the women or the principle of the whole thing , same as porn - it’s the threat and women’s own insecurities.

Edited

Actually, some of us have spent significant time working to help trafficked and prostituted women. It doesn’t have to be an either/or here.

jeaux90 · 05/12/2025 22:48

You want to hear from women that accept this? JFC woman have some self respect and solidarity with women who are being consumed by this man and his asshole mates. You need therapy to work out why your boundaries are so shit.

Imanexcellentdrivercharliebabbit · 05/12/2025 22:53

ScorchingEgg · 05/12/2025 22:33

Actually, some of us have spent significant time working to help trafficked and prostituted women. It doesn’t have to be an either/or here.

Show quote history

What area do you work in ? X

I work as a sw in the adolescents team but also do all the return home interviews in my area for missing and exploited children after missing episodes.

Rescuedog12 · 06/12/2025 21:54

SunnyLemonLeader · 04/12/2025 18:55

My partner and i have been together around 10 months and are still very much learning about each other and boundaries etc. We’re both 37. 1 Child each, we live separately and see each 3 times a week but have almost daily contact by text or phone calls.

For the most part, i absolutely adore him, am head over heels for him and feel really safe with him. He appears to be an absolute genuine,caring person. But…

On Tuesday morning as he was leaving for work, he openly said that on his xmas work night out this weekend, that he may end up in a strip club because thats what his “workmates” always do, he said hes just interested in boozing not get a private dance etc. He wanted to make me aware and be honest about it. I do appreciate his honesty and its one of the things i really admire about him.

I made it quite clear at that point i wasnt happy about it but didnt go into detail. I had 24 hours thinking on it and the more i thought about it, the unhappier i became.

I didnt want my feelings on it to influence his decision. He is free to make his own decisions. So i said im not happy about it but i dont want to go into my true feelings because i dont want to manipulate his thought and decision making, he can choose to do what he wants.

He has always said its important about talking things through and being completely open about feelings with each other which i like and he said he wanted to know exactly how i feel about it. So i honestly and openly told him how i felt about it. I explained its a mix of my own insecurities (i suffer with Anxiety, im not very confident about myself and recently underwent a hysterectomy which has made me feel less than a woman tbh) and its sort of being a boundary for me. I said i was worried i would lose respect for him and i really do not know how ill react to it. All i know for sure is how i feel right now.

I openly admit i dont like the thought of him gawping at near naked women, i dont like the thought of near naked women being around him. I understand its a job for them and its all about the money not the man. But these women in these clubs are beautiful with amazing figures and i know i wouldn’t ever compare to them in the looks and figure department.

I do genuinely trust he wouldn’t do anything and i have tried really hard to tell myself its just a laugh with the lads and its just a thing i have to be uncomfortable with and get over but i cant.

He said he “respects me” as his partner and he wouldnt go to the strip club on this occasion.
But he asked how id feel if it was a stag do and whilst i still dont like it, for some reason that sits easier with me. Its almost the done thing on stag do’s and its expected. I could swallow that. He would be with friends/close family (hes not exactly friends with the people he works with) and it just feels different to this current scenario. I honestly cant explain why i feel that way. I am pretty open minded and if he suggested we went together I wouldn’t be against it. It may even be fun. Who knows.

I do not want to clip his wings, i want him to be free to do what he likes when he likes but i cant help my feelings about it.

He said the matter was “put to bed” the decision had been made, he wasnt going and that was the end of it. But today hes messaged me saying he wants some head space to process what we spoke about and i feel like im being punished now for being honest about my feelings. He is very much into mindfulness and sitting with emotions and processing things but im scared to death when we have had these chats in the past he always end up saying things like i dont think we’ll work, maybe we’re not meant to be together and other things along them lines and i always took the blame so i didnt lose him (which is sad i know) so i was already anxious about telling him i didn't feel comfortable with it because i had a feeling this is where he would go with it again.

I don't feel like i can ever win with him and when he does ask for honesty from me, i don't feel like he actually wants it, particularly if it doesn’t match what he wants or believes.

Am i in the wrong here for feeling this way? Am i being unreasonable and controlling?
My previous relationship was abusive and i was manipulated, so its important to me that im not that way and i genuinely dont feel like i am manipulative or controlling.

Im questioning my feelings and i feel like shouldn’t be. Ive been told by my therapist to accept what isn't in my control and i shouldn’t hide my feelings or dismiss how i feel to keep someone else happy, i just have to learn to accept i feel that way and try and move on. Which is what ive tried to do in this situation.

Im sorry i know thats a lot of information and it probably doesn’t make a lot of sense so if anyone needs clarification on anything please just say.

It's only been 10 months ,yet you've had these talks before, that end up with you blaming yourself for upsetting him for saying how you feel.This relationship will have you walking on eggshells and your anxiety through the roof.i don't think it has a future.

Sunflower459 · 06/12/2025 22:02

I would end it over this. It’s a boundary for you, and not the wildly puritanical one I’m sure some people would have you believe it is. He doesn’t sound too nice anyway. It’s all well and good him making the right noises about it being good to talk about your feelings, but if he threatens you with breaking up and the cryptic ‘I need to thinks’ every time your feelings inconvenience him then he’s not walking his talk. You sound like you may have low confidence, OP, and sadly that can make us gaslight ourselves in situations like these. Also, strip clubs are by no means ‘the done thing’ on stag nights; they’re ’the done thing’ for a certain kind of man who probably shouldn’t be getting married anyway.

yeesh · 06/12/2025 22:36

The more you write about him the worse he sounds, he is really manipulating you and you are falling for it every time. You have only been together a few months and have all this drama, it’s toxic. The strip club is just the tip of the iceberg.

Elishiva · 06/12/2025 22:58

Sorry to say this man is just another “creature” as you put it, he is manipulative and sleezy.

Where the hell does he work that it’s acceptable to go to a strip club for a staff Christmas party?
That alone speaks to his values.

10 months in you hardly know this man.
What you have shared here about what you do know does not look good and to be honest even if he didn’t come over like a prick, you yourself don’t seem to be in the best place to be in a new relationship.

You should spend some time alone and work on your self esteem.

My most recent ex was all about mindfulness and peace and boundaries, and other such therapy speak nonsense, it was a way to manipulate and gaslight me, in hindsight he was abusive and much like yours the relationship was much more hard worked and unhappy than it should have been.

I left, would rather be alone forever but hopefully will find someone actually nice and decent, any man who goes to strip clubs would automatically be precluded from that category for me.

HRTQueen · 06/12/2025 23:09

How do all these strip clubs stay open when so many men only go there for a drink 🤔

set your boundaries if you are not wanting to be in a relationship with a man who goes to strip clubs then that is a boundary he either respects that or not

you have a choice what sort of man you want to be in a relationship with

New posts on this thread. Refresh page