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AIBU?

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Original poster

Secret Santa in school- seriously ?

71 replies

arcticpandas · 04/12/2025 17:50

Son in y8: 12 y old. Teacher told them yesterday that they were to have a secret Santa. Son drew the name of a boy he doesn't know so no idea what to get him. Income disparites are stark: some very wealthy, others just making it. I don't like the idea at all tbh. Why buy a random someone a gift? And they are all telling each other who they drew so nothing secret about it. No communication to parents and when I asked ds about sums he said they could do what they wanted; if some want to spend more or less they can do that. Wtf. More or less than what? And they will all compare and if someone gives a "lousy" gift he will hear about it so I think even those who can't afford it will spend more than they want. We live in a fairly affluent area but not all are affluent.

What are your experiences of this?

Aibu: you Grinch, you have no christmas spirit- it's lovely to have a secret santa

Ainbu: it's not appropriate to do a secret santa in school- especially not with no limit for spending and the only communication given to children not to the parents who have to go shopping something random for some random

OP posts:
Arlanymor · 04/12/2025 17:52

Someone’s misguided attempt at ‘doing something nice’ when they haven’t remotely thought through the implications YANBU in the slightest

Goditsmemargaret · 04/12/2025 17:54

SS is good in school but teacher needs to enforce a low spending limit; weird that they haven't.

Mind you, we used to do it in the 90s and we were encouraged to make our SS feel special for a whole month. It left the gates wide open for bullying if you weren't purchasing muffins from the school shop every bloody day.

Needmorelego · 04/12/2025 17:56

They should have set a price limit.
For that age I would say no more than £5.
I would suggest buying a chocolate Santa and some sweets but I doubt they gave information about if there's any food allergies 🙁

Hankunamatata · 04/12/2025 17:56

Contact the school. If its like my 12year old he has half the story

Weeken · 04/12/2025 18:06

I expect 'school' as whatever entity you imagine that to be doesn't care at all, but is allowing it because the kids want to do it between them. It's hardly very important or serious.

Let them figure it out. If they want to participate, they'll have drawn a name and need to get on with it. If they don't want to play, they don't have to. They're not babies.

CrossChecking · 04/12/2025 18:08

My kids secondary school does it. €5 limit, most kids just buy chocolates or fluffy socks if they are girls.

ExtraOnions · 04/12/2025 18:09

…it’s a Secret Santa, so nobody will know who bought what, for whom, and therefore how much it cost.

…it might be the only present some kids get this year, so put a smile on your face, and spend a fiver.

Ghostsghoulsteenagers · 04/12/2025 18:11

DS1 did it at school - there was always a £5 limit though - we normally got something chocolate related

CurlewKate · 04/12/2025 18:12

It’s Ok so long as there is a very strict budget.

Celestialmoods · 04/12/2025 18:12

My kids enjoyed doing this but there was a £5 limit and they all just got sweets and chocolate.

KittyFinlay · 04/12/2025 18:13

ExtraOnions · 04/12/2025 18:09

…it’s a Secret Santa, so nobody will know who bought what, for whom, and therefore how much it cost.

…it might be the only present some kids get this year, so put a smile on your face, and spend a fiver.

And you think the parents of those kids will be happy to have to buy a gift for a kid they've never met? And those kids will be delighted to receive a generic gift not in any way tailored to their interests?

OP I think this is totally inappropriate and you should let the school know that DS isn't taking part.

iSage · 04/12/2025 18:15

Sounds like a recipe for disaster. Just the sort of thing that would trigger bullying, with kids accusing one another of giving rubbish gifts and trying to find out who gave what.

LorenzoCalzone · 04/12/2025 18:18

How daft! The teacher can't think all families have got an extra fiver lying round at this time of year. We live in an age where working families have to use food banks ffs.

ginasevern · 04/12/2025 18:18

Excellent. Teaching kids about consumerism and adding to the gazillion tons of landfill at an early age. Can't catch 'em too young! There has seriously got to be better ways to teach kids about sharing and caring (or whatever the objective is supposed to be). This is just plain lazy and bound to cause bitching and back chat one way or another.

CreativeGreen · 04/12/2025 18:19

Most likely negative scenario I can think of is not a child being bullied for buying a cheap present, but a popular kid/bully: "urgh I drew [unpopular kid], I'm gonna get him or her something shit and/or insulting and tell everyone that's what I'm doing so we can all laugh when he/she opens it". But I might be being cynical.

HarryVanderspeigle · 04/12/2025 18:22

I don't think schools should be organising any kind of group event that means money has to be spent on another child. I hate secret santa though, so that might be the grinch in me talking.

2025mustbebetter · 04/12/2025 18:23

arcticpandas · 04/12/2025 17:50

Son in y8: 12 y old. Teacher told them yesterday that they were to have a secret Santa. Son drew the name of a boy he doesn't know so no idea what to get him. Income disparites are stark: some very wealthy, others just making it. I don't like the idea at all tbh. Why buy a random someone a gift? And they are all telling each other who they drew so nothing secret about it. No communication to parents and when I asked ds about sums he said they could do what they wanted; if some want to spend more or less they can do that. Wtf. More or less than what? And they will all compare and if someone gives a "lousy" gift he will hear about it so I think even those who can't afford it will spend more than they want. We live in a fairly affluent area but not all are affluent.

What are your experiences of this?

Aibu: you Grinch, you have no christmas spirit- it's lovely to have a secret santa

Ainbu: it's not appropriate to do a secret santa in school- especially not with no limit for spending and the only communication given to children not to the parents who have to go shopping something random for some random

I've done it with my class but it was an opt in secret Santa with a spending limit of £5. I also had spares as I knew people would sign up and forget! Only usually do it in year 7. After that most if them don't want to do it tbh.

RedToothBrush · 04/12/2025 18:25

It's tone deaf and inappropriate.

At least one child will end up without a gift for various reasons and not every family can afford this - families are really struggling ATM. Other children will get something really nice whilst some will get something shite and will not have the maturity to be gracious about it. It will lead to fights.

You are not a Grinch. The teacher is clueless and not understanding the problems this will cause.

RedToothBrush · 04/12/2025 18:25

CreativeGreen · 04/12/2025 18:19

Most likely negative scenario I can think of is not a child being bullied for buying a cheap present, but a popular kid/bully: "urgh I drew [unpopular kid], I'm gonna get him or her something shit and/or insulting and tell everyone that's what I'm doing so we can all laugh when he/she opens it". But I might be being cynical.

No you understand schools and children. Not cynical.

RedToothBrush · 04/12/2025 18:26

ExtraOnions · 04/12/2025 18:09

…it’s a Secret Santa, so nobody will know who bought what, for whom, and therefore how much it cost.

…it might be the only present some kids get this year, so put a smile on your face, and spend a fiver.

You are naive!

Children can't keep secrets!

Oriunda · 04/12/2025 18:30

DS (14) informed me his class were doing SS. Budget 'between €5-20' according to him; we settled at €10. I was told to buy a Roblox gift card, so I did. No idea if the SS is being organised by the kids themselves, or by the class, but at that age, gift cards are easy.

Original poster
arcticpandas · 04/12/2025 18:51

Needmorelego · 04/12/2025 17:56

They should have set a price limit.
For that age I would say no more than £5.
I would suggest buying a chocolate Santa and some sweets but I doubt they gave information about if there's any food allergies 🙁

Totally agree. But what can you get for 5 £ today. Basically chocolate because they are too old for toys. But since there is no restriction I know some will get Roblox/PlayStation/gaming cards. Then again it's a pain without instructions. Because some will come in with 20 £ gift card others with 10£ , some with chocolate surely and they might be a bit embarrassed when classmates compare who has been generous and who hasn't. Ah it's a pain!

OP posts:
Original poster
arcticpandas · 04/12/2025 18:54

Hankunamatata · 04/12/2025 17:56

Contact the school. If its like my 12year old he has half the story

No, he's actually good with listening. And I got it confirmed with a class mum. (Stayed neutral because I don't know her well and she might find it an excellent idea) But I get what you mean- my ds1 can come home and say the strangest things- he misunderstands everything or just hears a part of it.

OP posts:
JudgeBread · 04/12/2025 18:54

ExtraOnions · 04/12/2025 18:09

…it’s a Secret Santa, so nobody will know who bought what, for whom, and therefore how much it cost.

…it might be the only present some kids get this year, so put a smile on your face, and spend a fiver.

Had you considered actually reading the post before making your weird sarcastic comment with... Too... Many... Ellipses?

"And they are all telling each other who they drew so nothing secret about it." - first paragraph.

mindutopia · 04/12/2025 18:56

I couldn’t get worked up about this. I think it’s quite normal. DD’s tutor also does secret Santa. It’s a £5 limit. Generally, it’s a chocolate bar and a packet of sweets unless you draw a friend you know well and want to get them something more niche.

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