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AIBU?

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Original poster

Secret Santa in school- seriously ?

71 replies

arcticpandas · 04/12/2025 17:50

Son in y8: 12 y old. Teacher told them yesterday that they were to have a secret Santa. Son drew the name of a boy he doesn't know so no idea what to get him. Income disparites are stark: some very wealthy, others just making it. I don't like the idea at all tbh. Why buy a random someone a gift? And they are all telling each other who they drew so nothing secret about it. No communication to parents and when I asked ds about sums he said they could do what they wanted; if some want to spend more or less they can do that. Wtf. More or less than what? And they will all compare and if someone gives a "lousy" gift he will hear about it so I think even those who can't afford it will spend more than they want. We live in a fairly affluent area but not all are affluent.

What are your experiences of this?

Aibu: you Grinch, you have no christmas spirit- it's lovely to have a secret santa

Ainbu: it's not appropriate to do a secret santa in school- especially not with no limit for spending and the only communication given to children not to the parents who have to go shopping something random for some random

OP posts:
Needmorelego · 04/12/2025 18:57

arcticpandas · 04/12/2025 18:51

Totally agree. But what can you get for 5 £ today. Basically chocolate because they are too old for toys. But since there is no restriction I know some will get Roblox/PlayStation/gaming cards. Then again it's a pain without instructions. Because some will come in with 20 £ gift card others with 10£ , some with chocolate surely and they might be a bit embarrassed when classmates compare who has been generous and who hasn't. Ah it's a pain!

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If you do know what the person you picked is into then £5 isn't too bad.
Football/Pokémon cards. Lip balm and nail polish. Hair accessories. Bag of their favourite crisps and can of favourite drink.
It's do-able for a fiver.
But if the school hasn't given a maximum amount then it indeed could get very awkward.

Original poster
arcticpandas · 04/12/2025 18:57

Weeken · 04/12/2025 18:06

I expect 'school' as whatever entity you imagine that to be doesn't care at all, but is allowing it because the kids want to do it between them. It's hardly very important or serious.

Let them figure it out. If they want to participate, they'll have drawn a name and need to get on with it. If they don't want to play, they don't have to. They're not babies.

If I leave him to it he's capable of spending 50£ of his savings on a gift because he's generous like that. So no, I will have to give him a limit I suppose but hard to know what the others think. I don't want him to be embarrassed ofcourse.

OP posts:
Litlit · 04/12/2025 18:59

I'm surprised to hear from so many parents on this thread that it's common! I would hate to have to buy something for someone you may not like, know or who may even be horrible to you! At work I opt out of secret santa, seems unfair a child is being put in an awkward position by a trusted adult. For some children it may even put them off attending school on the exchange day if they have nothing to give!

I would complain to school it's inappropriate for all the reasons already listed on this thread. Surely an opt in charity secret santa would be better then those that enjoy shopping and have the means can still gift something if they want without being shamed.

Chinsupmeloves · 04/12/2025 19:01

I've always done a secret santa with my form classes and they love it! They're given a choice not to partake and the cost was a couple of pounds recommended and limit of five. I bought a few extra presents as there were always some who didn't bring any.

The funniest thing was making it secret and the moment they left the room they all talked about who they got so wasn't secret by next lesson lol 😂

Original poster
arcticpandas · 04/12/2025 19:01

ExtraOnions · 04/12/2025 18:09

…it’s a Secret Santa, so nobody will know who bought what, for whom, and therefore how much it cost.

…it might be the only present some kids get this year, so put a smile on your face, and spend a fiver.

If only. My son knows exactly who is buying for whom. He knows who will get him a gift.

I know for a fact that all kids in his class will get gifts. Noone is living in poverty. And if it was only a fiver I would be happy. But there are some very wealthy kids in his class and a fiver to my son is like fifty to some other.

OP posts:
CrossChecking · 04/12/2025 19:10

arcticpandas · 04/12/2025 18:57

If I leave him to it he's capable of spending 50£ of his savings on a gift because he's generous like that. So no, I will have to give him a limit I suppose but hard to know what the others think. I don't want him to be embarrassed ofcourse.

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Can he not just ask his mates what they are buying for it and do along the same lines as them?

Weeken · 04/12/2025 19:25

arcticpandas · 04/12/2025 18:57

If I leave him to it he's capable of spending 50£ of his savings on a gift because he's generous like that. So no, I will have to give him a limit I suppose but hard to know what the others think. I don't want him to be embarrassed ofcourse.

Show quote history

Obviously fine for you to give him a limit on his spending for different purposes. I'd assume you do that on all sorts of things. It's for parents to set expectations and teach money management.

This is just a small thing he's opted in to (he must want other things at other times whether a magazine, sweets, games or presents for other occasions) and it's not wrong that school haven't treated them (and you) like they're still in primary school.

Original poster
arcticpandas · 04/12/2025 19:25

CrossChecking · 04/12/2025 19:10

Can he not just ask his mates what they are buying for it and do along the same lines as them?

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Yes. Will do that. But tbh they are still young enough to say "don't know it's my parents"

OP posts:
Thatsalineallright · 04/12/2025 19:29

Yeah this is pretty bad. I'm a teacher and have organised secret Santa with classes before, but always with strict rules: 1) taking part is optional and 2) the spending limit is max 10 euro (so around 7 pounds?) and I encourage the kids to consider baking biscuits or something instead of spending any money.

ItalianChineseIndianMexican · 04/12/2025 22:09

My kids secondary does this but it's better organised. £5 limit and people state what kind of things they would like and if they have any allergies etc. It works well and the kids like it.

Pryceosh1987 · 05/12/2025 00:16

I love secret santa i did it at work. I choose a womens name, someones wife, i knew the husband. I got her toiletries. i also put money in the card. I cannot fully remember. But the husband wasnt happy when he found out, and he gave me my money back.

InterestedDad37 · 05/12/2025 00:25

Absolutely awful idea! On so many levels - income disparities, open to bullying, won't be secret for more than 2 minutes, fill the world with more tat while also teaching them responsibility for the environment allergies, rampant consumerism, tat, tat and more tat 👍

Distinctlydull · 05/12/2025 01:15

RedToothBrush · 04/12/2025 18:25

It's tone deaf and inappropriate.

At least one child will end up without a gift for various reasons and not every family can afford this - families are really struggling ATM. Other children will get something really nice whilst some will get something shite and will not have the maturity to be gracious about it. It will lead to fights.

You are not a Grinch. The teacher is clueless and not understanding the problems this will cause.

My dd was the child that ended up without a gift, initially.

There was an odd number of children in the class and seemingly no one had realised, she was a bit hurt but more embarrassed than anything.

The next day she received two gifts from two of the boys, a Toblerone and a bar of Sainsbury's Basics chocolate but it truly was the thought that counted.

HelenaWaiting · 05/12/2025 01:17

mindutopia · 04/12/2025 18:56

I couldn’t get worked up about this. I think it’s quite normal. DD’s tutor also does secret Santa. It’s a £5 limit. Generally, it’s a chocolate bar and a packet of sweets unless you draw a friend you know well and want to get them something more niche.

Well it shouldn't be "normal". We had eight kids, including five kinship fosters. This would potentially have been a lot of money we hadn't budgeted for. I hate to say this, as a former member of the profession, but some teachers are utter morons.

Orchid2025 · 05/12/2025 02:21

My son did this at school. Price limit £5. Gifted sweets, received a giant calculator ( which he thought was cool )

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 05/12/2025 02:33

Pryceosh1987 · 05/12/2025 00:16

I love secret santa i did it at work. I choose a womens name, someones wife, i knew the husband. I got her toiletries. i also put money in the card. I cannot fully remember. But the husband wasnt happy when he found out, and he gave me my money back.

Giving money is weird, not surprised he gave it back

mathanxiety · 05/12/2025 03:42

I can't believe the school hasn't set a £5 limit. My DCs always had a strict limit.

Buying something for a random kid - I don't know why you think this is a problem.

mathanxiety · 05/12/2025 03:44

ItalianChineseIndianMexican · 04/12/2025 22:09

My kids secondary does this but it's better organised. £5 limit and people state what kind of things they would like and if they have any allergies etc. It works well and the kids like it.

Yes, same.
The DCs wrote lists of five categories of things they liked, plus allergies.

Original poster
arcticpandas · 05/12/2025 05:19

mathanxiety · 05/12/2025 03:42

I can't believe the school hasn't set a £5 limit. My DCs always had a strict limit.

Buying something for a random kid - I don't know why you think this is a problem.

Because you have no idea what he likes. My son doesn't know anything about him so it's hard to know if the gift will be appreciated.

OP posts:
Thatsalineallright · 05/12/2025 06:15

arcticpandas · 05/12/2025 05:19

Because you have no idea what he likes. My son doesn't know anything about him so it's hard to know if the gift will be appreciated.

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How about something school related. Pens and a Christmas notebook? Or food, if that's allowed - a tin of biscuits? Or novelty socks?

Lulu1919 · 05/12/2025 06:17

We do this in our year group
Parents were asked if they wanted to do it ....we always have but we do check each year
Limit is £5
I

Original poster
arcticpandas · 05/12/2025 07:53

Thatsalineallright · 05/12/2025 06:15

How about something school related. Pens and a Christmas notebook? Or food, if that's allowed - a tin of biscuits? Or novelty socks?

Show quote history

They are teens so a bit tricky.. some might be happy for something school related while others will be vocal about getting a shitty gift..

OP posts:
AnneButNotHathaway · 05/12/2025 08:35

SS in schools is okay imo as long as it's voluntarily and there is a set budget. DD does it and one year they made each other cards and then there was a gift budget set.
Getting something neutral is the answer here, like a box of chocolates or a coloring desk calendar, nice stationery, etc.

HushTheNoise · 05/12/2025 08:40

Weird it's a school enforced thing. My DD does it with her friend group of six, actually saves everyone money as only one gift. They all share some things they like to give ideas, but know each other pretty well. Limit is £12. Last year mine bought a nice fleece blanket and a packet of sweets for hers, perfectly nice gift. I don't think it's suitable for a whole class when they haven't asked to be part.

Kibble19 · 05/12/2025 08:49

YANBU, OP.

I think this entire thing is probably unnecessary, but since it’s been done, the teacher should’ve definitely made a cost limit clear. Maybe they did, as I find it hard to imagine that a teacher isn’t acutely aware of the CoL impact on some families.