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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To give parenting advice to SIL

59 replies

OrangeSequin · 03/12/2025 20:47

For some context: SIL is my DH’s brothers girlfriend. She has another child from a previous relationship and also had another baby with DH brother 3 months after I had my first earlier this year.

Theres two situations I wanted to talk about.

First - SIL decided that her baby doesn’t need a cot even though she’s tiny and underweight due to being a premie so she chucked the cot away, bought her a toddler bed and just added the mesh protecters either side. She sent us a photo of baby in the bed with a pillow, quilt, fleece blanket tucked as a bottom sheet and the bed surrounded by teddies.

I mentioned (very kindly) that she shouldn’t have a quilt and pillow due to babies being able to suffocate, especially the size she is. I mentioned how I use a sleeping bag for DS which is what’s recommended.
She told me that it doesn’t matter because her son had the same and he didn’t suffocate… he mostly slept with her because he is non verbal autistic so needed more soothing etc.
Another time I mentioned that my DS is at the age where he’s climbing, pulling himself up so we had to lower his cot to the lowest stage to stop him falling out and I just mentioned to watch out for this stage because those mesh barriers won’t stand a chance.

Another situation is when she sent a photo of her son and baby in the car but the babies car seat was facing forward, she was wearing a puffy coat and the strap was mid way down her arm, not shoulder.
Again, very kindly just mentioned how she should research about the car seat as it’s recommended and a law for all babies under 15 months to rear face as well as they shouldn’t wear a coat due to potential accidents and a blanket will be fine.

She basically went off on one about how I think I’m perfect and my DS is so perfect etc which isn’t the case, I’m just stating actual facts? If anything I’m trying to help her because it’s just standard practice. I don’t think I’m a better person/parent at all! This is my first go at parenting and I’m just following the rules and just suggesting what may be a better choice for her.

Overall am I in the wrong for trying to help?

OP posts:

Poms · 03/12/2025 20:50

Did she ask for advice or was it unsolicited?

notforonesecond · 03/12/2025 20:50

Well you’re obviously not wrong. And I don’t blame you for not biting your tongue about either of those situations, they are quite concerning.

But she was never going to thank you for it.

Would your DH have more luck speaking to his brother about it?

EddyNeddy · 03/12/2025 20:51

It really doesn't matter whether you’re in the wrong or not, so I’m not sure why you’re on here looking for validation. What matters is the safety of her child.

She’s clearly not going to listen to you so there’s no point flogging a dead horse. Can your DH have a subtle word with his brother?

ComfortFoodCafe · 03/12/2025 20:51

I know you mean well, but you sound suffocating.

ComtesseDeSpair · 03/12/2025 20:51

She’s both breaking the law and putting her baby’s safety at risk with an age-inappropriate car seat, so you can report to both the police and child services. She’s not going to listen to your advice on that, so she needs to hear it from people she’ll have no choice but to hear it from. Getting involved “kindly” on other things isn’t going to get you anywhere.

Original poster

OrangeSequin · 03/12/2025 20:53

ComfortFoodCafe · 03/12/2025 20:51

I know you mean well, but you sound suffocating.

I can’t go into every detail of the conversation and the tone and expression it was in…

I’d rather sound suffocating than let her risk her child at actually being suffocated

OP posts:

ForMyNextTrickIWillMakeThisVodkaDisappear · 03/12/2025 20:53

You can correct her as kindly as you want. But she knows this stuff already. Her HV would have told her, given her the leaflets. Social media is full of people saying the same things as you have and also full of people making terrible and dangerous parenting decisions. She knows all the guidance and she’s doing her own thing anyway. Don’t get me wrong, her choices would make we twitch with anxiety but there’s fuck all you can do about it.

AlwaysHopefull89 · 03/12/2025 20:54

Why are you so invested?

Octavia64 · 03/12/2025 20:54

You are not wrong,

however it was clearly not going to go down well.
nobody likes being given parenting advice.

Original poster

OrangeSequin · 03/12/2025 20:55

AlwaysHopefull89 · 03/12/2025 20:54

Why are you so invested?

In my nieces safety? There’s a number of reasons…

OP posts:

Vaxtable · 03/12/2025 20:58

You are not wrong and I think it’s coming from a place of kindness, you care that the baby is well looked after

but she is not interested so I would stop and let her crack on how she likes. If I was seriously concerned I would speak to dh and ask him to speak to his brother

Octonaut4Life · 03/12/2025 20:58

OP I've got no idea what is wrong with the people on here posting as if you're in the wrong or weirdly nosy. You're absolutely doing the right thing to point this stuff out as it's quite literally a child's life at stake. I agree that it may be best to try to get your husband to have a serious talk with his brother. But if she's still using an inappropriate car seat I think notifying social services would be the right move although I'm sure that SIL wouldn't thank you for it.

FuzzyWolf · 03/12/2025 20:58

YABU. Unsolicited parenting advice, especially from someone who has a PFB glow to their writing, so is likely to be the same in real life, is very unlikely to go down well.

Just remember that she knows all of this and has made her own decision, rightly or wrongly, to disregard it.

TTCbabynumber22025 · 03/12/2025 20:59

I do agree with you OP and I think in these situations I’d have had to say something too. What does your BIL say about it?

Original poster

OrangeSequin · 03/12/2025 21:01

FuzzyWolf · 03/12/2025 20:58

YABU. Unsolicited parenting advice, especially from someone who has a PFB glow to their writing, so is likely to be the same in real life, is very unlikely to go down well.

Just remember that she knows all of this and has made her own decision, rightly or wrongly, to disregard it.

Not really, I just care for my child’s safety and do those things the correct way. Believe me there has been many times I’ve done something wrong but not when it comes to safety.

I genuinely thought everyone knew the right and wrong things when it came to baby safety, if it was me doing things wrong I would like someone to tell me so my babies life isn’t at risk daily but that’s just me

OP posts:

Freeme31 · 03/12/2025 21:01

Completely agree - i will never understand why people put their children at risk. She’s not interested you have tried id leave her to it and keep your fingers crossed

Original poster

OrangeSequin · 03/12/2025 21:01

TTCbabynumber22025 · 03/12/2025 20:59

I do agree with you OP and I think in these situations I’d have had to say something too. What does your BIL say about it?

He agrees but his brother is just one of those ‘go with anything no opinion’ type so basically will get more out of a wet piece of paper

OP posts:

schopenhauer · 03/12/2025 21:02

I would have done the same as you op as both of these issues are concerning and about safety and as mentioned the car seat is illegal. She sounds lacking in intelligence if she can’t understand that just because her son didnt suffocate, she still shouldn’t behave in a risky manner, especially if her baby was premature. Unfortunately there is little that can be done but I would try to maybe get your dh to talk to his brother rather than speak to this woman.

Original poster

OrangeSequin · 03/12/2025 21:02

Octonaut4Life · 03/12/2025 20:58

Thank you!

Writing a post can make me sound blunt or that “I’m a perfect parent” but I can’t go into detail of how the conversation tones were.

I didn’t sit her down and give her a list of what she’s doing wrong I genuinely said things in order to help

OP posts:

ShesTheAlbatross · 03/12/2025 21:04

It’s tricky - both of those are quite serious safety issues so I can definitely see that it’s hard to not say something. It’s not you being precious and criticising her over nothing, or talking about your own personal preferences.

But also it sounds like she doesn’t give a shit.

ETA - but your niece has two parents, you should probably speak to your brother.

ImDelicious · 03/12/2025 21:08

I feel your pain. I see friends of mine sharing pics of their kids in car seats in big puffy car seats or same as you said the straps hanging off them so they'd be no use in a crash.

It amazes me that people either just blatantly ignore or are wilfully ignorant of basic safety advice for babies especially.

Maybe she genuinely doesn't realise some of these safety points, not sure you could now after this but you could send her links to information so she could read it herself. Sometimes even if she was annoyed at you sending it, if she read it in black and white it might get through?

At the end of the day she's the parent so you can't do much more than maybe make the information available to her.

People like her are why you see these public safety statements that you might think are common sense but a lot of people don't realise.

canklesmctacotits · 03/12/2025 21:09

All the things that you say are fact are actually guidelines (which for the avoidance of doubt I personally agree with). You know, I’m sure you do, than not following them changes the statistics for serious accidents/death, but doesn’t result in them. So, your SIL and BIL have made their choices about those statistics. Maybe they’re okay with a 2% chance rather than a 0.1% (20 times higher) chance. YABU. And if you think she hasn’t thought about it that deeply or is just stupid (which is what you come across as thinking she is, tbh) there are ways and means of getting the message across that wouldn’t have resulted in the reaction you received. YABU x2.

“I just care for my child’s safety” 🙄

Andromed1 · 03/12/2025 21:10

AlwaysHopefull89 · 03/12/2025 20:54

Why are you so invested?

Because shes afraid her niece might die of suffocation?

Saz12 · 03/12/2025 21:18

Whatever you do, it'll not go well. Say nothing, and you're failing to protect your DN. Point out the issues, and SIL will fall out with you. You were between a rock and a hard place: personally I'd like to think I'd have "interfered" like you. Perhaps wait a bit then make some sort of amends, just to avoid further falling out.

Wayk · 03/12/2025 21:20

I 💯 agree with you. You are right to advice her but perhaps advice BIL. It is his daughter and as a first time father he may not understand the risks.

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