To give parenting advice to SIL

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For some context: SIL is my DH’s brothers girlfriend. She has another child from a previous relationship and also had another baby with DH brother 3 months after I had my first earlier this year.

Theres two situations I wanted to talk about.

First - SIL decided that her baby doesn’t need a cot even though she’s tiny and underweight due to being a premie so she chucked the cot away, bought her a toddler bed and just added the mesh protecters either side. She sent us a photo of baby in the bed with a pillow, quilt, fleece blanket tucked as a bottom sheet and the bed surrounded by teddies.

I mentioned (very kindly) that she shouldn’t have a quilt and pillow due to babies being able to suffocate, especially the size she is. I mentioned how I use a sleeping bag for DS which is what’s recommended.
She told me that it doesn’t matter because her son had the same and he didn’t suffocate… he mostly slept with her because he is non verbal autistic so needed more soothing etc.
Another time I mentioned that my DS is at the age where he’s climbing, pulling himself up so we had to lower his cot to the lowest stage to stop him falling out and I just mentioned to watch out for this stage because those mesh barriers won’t stand a chance.

Another situation is when she sent a photo of her son and baby in the car but the babies car seat was facing forward, she was wearing a puffy coat and the strap was mid way down her arm, not shoulder.
Again, very kindly just mentioned how she should research about the car seat as it’s recommended and a law for all babies under 15 months to rear face as well as they shouldn’t wear a coat due to potential accidents and a blanket will be fine.

She basically went off on one about how I think I’m perfect and my DS is so perfect etc which isn’t the case, I’m just stating actual facts? If anything I’m trying to help her because it’s just standard practice. I don’t think I’m a better person/parent at all! This is my first go at parenting and I’m just following the rules and just suggesting what may be a better choice for her.

Overall am I in the wrong for trying to help?

It's her niece who is being put in danger because her sil wants to do her own thing! Why would she not be?

Just an edit and maybe I should’ve been more clear:

We haven’t fallen out, we don’t hang out by ourselves because we just don’t have much in common but BIL is just as bad, he’s the type that comes home from work and when she asks for help he says that’s your job I’ve done mine so there’s literally no point in talking to him.

It's frustrating and worrying, and of course none of your points are wrong. But unsolicited advice, however kindly you think you've delivered it, is rarely well received.

You tried. You can't do more than that. You do sound a little PFB-perfect which is grating at times. Perhaps going forward it would be better for your husband to pass on the info to his brother. Just because he doesn't help parent his child doesn't mean he won't pass on the info.

Maybe the car seat was forward facing for the photo. Could have sorted the straps before driving. Nobody likes unwelcome parenting advice.

For someone you don’t hang out with you’ve kindly given an awful lot of advice. She probably feels every time she sees you that you criticise and judge her.

They sadly sound like exactly the type of people who should never become parents.

I feel your frustration OP. You've done the right thing, but these idiots are not open to being educated. I feel for your poor niece.

So you’ve written him off as not being worth bringing it up with, yet solely focusing your blame and judgement on her. Why?

Nah she’s not gonna thank you but it needed to be said. See if DH can have a chat with DBIL as others have said.

alternatively raise a safeguarding concern with SS but I guarantee she will know where it’s come from and the shit will hit the fan

In both cases you were responding to an immediate risk to a child's life - that is more important than being polite.

I didn’t say I was judging or blaming her, she was the one who sent me the photos so I spoke to her about it because she mainly is the sole parent as he’s working all the time

I see her enough we do a lot of things as a family, we’re a big family I gravitate towards others more than I do her.

We’re not friends where we hang out every weekend no.

Also to add we’ve been in this family together for a number of years this is two situations, other time we are absolutely fine

You have done what you can. All the advice you have given is correct.

Now all you can do is hope that none of the risks she and BIL are gambling don’t pay out.

Advice on something like screentime or food choices I’d say YABU, but the idea of a baby having a pillow and being surrounded by teddies honestly makes me shudder. YANBU.

Thank you!

This is what’s annoying me about some commenters who say I’m acting like I’m perfect because believe me my DS watches TV, eats baby crisps if I need peace doing a chore. I’m not perfect sitting there reading him book all day and making daisy chains ffs. It was from a good intention

Because she's the only one doing any parenting by the sounds of it. He sees it as "her job", apparently.

No, it’s because you sound so preachy and despite the poll saying YABU you are completely refusing to see any other of things and just gushingly responding to people who agree with you.

Overwhelmingly people will think what your SIL is doing is wrong but you seem to be persistently and consistently (and mustn’t forget kindly) pointing out everything you disagree with.

You’ve made your decision to allow your child to watch tv and eat the baby equivalent of junk food at his age, despite the evidence suggesting otherwise, and that’s your decision (I made the same one at some point with some of my children, so not judging) but I doubt very much you want people self righteously pointing it out to you.

I feel like there’s a massive difference in a baby eating melty crisps and watching Ms Rachel than sleeping with a duvet and pillow as well as being faced forward in a car seat wearing a puffa jacket.

I’m replying to both positive and negative comments as well…

Each to their own I guess

You can win the battle by pointing out her errors but lose the war.
As someone said upthread everyone knows what is safe or advised but they choose not to follow the guidance. The WHO suggests breastfeeding for up to two years, a very young baby isn't meant to be in a car seat for more than an hour, children arent meant to drink milk in the night after the age of one. Co sleeping is not advised. No TV for under twos. Dummies in toddlers are bad for speech. We all know people, or ARE people who don't follow this guidance.

The best way to influence people is to be friends with them and quite often they copy what you are doing, if they like you. Ideas filter through naturally through peer pressure.

So I suppose just pointing out to her what she is doing wrong isn't going to be as effective as modelling your own better way of doing things silently. Post photos of your child snugly strapped in with a blanket. Of a baby lying in his new safe cot on a flat mattress with no teddies. Enjoying a teddy on your lap. Like we all knew it was bad to give our toddlers chocolate biscuits but believed that mini rice cakes were good. It's peer pressure that works not criticism.

I find it difficult watching babies being carted around in car seat systems instead of lying flat in prams. I say nothing. Maybe I should

About the safety of a tiny infant? In fact, one which is in her family and which she knows isn't being looked after especially well? Most people would be invested.

I think the difficulty here is that lots of people don’t follow the guidelines you’ve described; they don’t get arrested and their kids don’t get taken off them. Her kid would undoubtedly be at less risk if she did as you have suggested but in all cases, the risk of suffocation is tiny.

You’re not wrong OP but lots of people do differently to you and that’s perfectly acceptable (I mean there is no law against it).

Someone posted a picture on a very big extended family WhatsApp of their baby sleeping face down on a sofa cushion at a big family gathering. Third baby. Grandparents uncles aunts. Not a comment except complimentary. I was thinking oh my goodness but I didn't say anything why would my opinion make a difference if so many people thought this was adorable practice ?

I think this is it. When giving parenting advice, I think you have to be uber sensitive and tread incredibly carefully. I’d be worried about the pillows etc too but I think you have to gauge whether the person knows this is not recommended, and she clearly does. Experienced parents do have more experience of expert advice changing back and forth over the years so likely to be a bit more skeptical. It’s a fine line and your feelings are valid but it does sound like you could have managed the scenario a bit more skilfully.

Well, she’s risking her child’s safety. She’s either irresponsible and uncaring or head-numbingly stupid- either way she’s not going to thank you for pointing out the risk she’s taking.

You did the right thing though. The sleeping arrangements - the pillows, duvet, teddies - and the loose harness were both completely unacceptable risks, with the possibility of immediate injury or even death. Very different indeed from letting a child eat crisps.

This is the most sensible response here.

You also have to remember that some of the guidelines we have here, although informed by science, are cultural. In Denmark, I saw loads of tiny babies sleeping in prams absolutely surrounded by big blankets and duvets. People in Denmark aren't stupid - the culture around baby sleep is just different (and most babies don't die as a result, because as this post points out, it's increases in tiny risks we're talking about, not guarantees of harm).

Either way, you won't be giving her info she doesn't already know.

I wasn’t sure which way to vote - you are not unreasonable to think that your SIL is wrong and putting her baby in harmful situations, but I do think that she probably already knows the guidance and has chosen to ignore it (especially having an older child) so I don’t think you saying anything was ever going to change anything.