To give parenting advice to SIL

[OrangeSequin]

For some context: SIL is my DH’s brothers girlfriend. She has another child from a previous relationship and also had another baby with DH brother 3 months after I had my first earlier this year.

Theres two situations I wanted to talk about.

First - SIL decided that her baby doesn’t need a cot even though she’s tiny and underweight due to being a premie so she chucked the cot away, bought her a toddler bed and just added the mesh protecters either side. She sent us a photo of baby in the bed with a pillow, quilt, fleece blanket tucked as a bottom sheet and the bed surrounded by teddies.

I mentioned (very kindly) that she shouldn’t have a quilt and pillow due to babies being able to suffocate, especially the size she is. I mentioned how I use a sleeping bag for DS which is what’s recommended.
She told me that it doesn’t matter because her son had the same and he didn’t suffocate… he mostly slept with her because he is non verbal autistic so needed more soothing etc.
Another time I mentioned that my DS is at the age where he’s climbing, pulling himself up so we had to lower his cot to the lowest stage to stop him falling out and I just mentioned to watch out for this stage because those mesh barriers won’t stand a chance.

Another situation is when she sent a photo of her son and baby in the car but the babies car seat was facing forward, she was wearing a puffy coat and the strap was mid way down her arm, not shoulder.
Again, very kindly just mentioned how she should research about the car seat as it’s recommended and a law for all babies under 15 months to rear face as well as they shouldn’t wear a coat due to potential accidents and a blanket will be fine.

She basically went off on one about how I think I’m perfect and my DS is so perfect etc which isn’t the case, I’m just stating actual facts? If anything I’m trying to help her because it’s just standard practice. I don’t think I’m a better person/parent at all! This is my first go at parenting and I’m just following the rules and just suggesting what may be a better choice for her.

Overall am I in the wrong for trying to help?

You are completely right with what you are saying but someone like that is not going to listen to anyone

I notice a lot of comments are saying SIL will know the guidance and is choosing to not follow it... this may not be the case. I'm a social worker, trust me, there are a lot of parents who do not know the guidance. Just because she has an older child does not mean she will know the guidance 🙃

OP, YANBU

You can't just give that kind of advice unsolicited, it doesn't work it just makes people defensive or feel like you're sneering at them all the time. It helps IME to find a way to ask if they are open to advice but if they say no then you have to absolutely respect that. She has access to the exact same information you have and can choose to look it up for herself (which doesn't mean she is aware of it).

No, not everybody knows all the rules (IME this is a very "chronically online" assumption). And she may even judge you for things you do with your kids, maybe something that just doesn't even register to you or you think is nonsense. It's OK not to agree about everything and there isn't actually one right answer. Even someone's approach to following safety guidelines is not usually entrenched in law. (The car seat one is.)

But also, 99% of the time you can follow the exact opposite of the guidance and nothing bad will happen, so as much as these things look alarming when you've followed the opposite or it feels like an emergency, it probably isn't. The chances of something going catastrophically wrong are not 0, (hence safety advice) but they are low. The kinds of safety rules that we have for babies are useful but they are also based on population level results - common sense things like not throwing them out of a window don't even need to be said as safety advice because it's completely obvious. In fact, most safety advice is given as advice specifically because it's not obvious or might even be opposite to the obvious assumption, because most of the time nothing bad will happen when you do that thing.

I liked this article (not sure if it is a fully free one). https://www.cartoonshateher.com/p/if-you-didnt-have-postpartum-anxiety

She knows all this though, she's just concluded her baby is likely to be fine (it is) and she can't be bothered with it all

So you aren't wrong technically, but yes you are being unreasonable to offer your wisdom.

If you must offer unsolicited advice, direct it at your brother.

This is true (albeit less likely than she does and just thinks it's too much faff) but even in this case, the OP should talk to her brother, who is equally the parent of this child.

He is DH brother not mine, I have a better relationship with her than I do him

You're not wrong to say it. But sadly she was always going to respond like this. There is no way a parent in 2025 with so much access to information cannot know these things, but she chooses not to care. She chooses to believe it'll never happen to her child.
It's frustrating. I've had similar with a relative. You've tried- you can do no more.

There are some guidelines that are there to ensure optimal development. Then there are others to ensure a baby doesn't die.

I really think that when it comes to the second type people should speak up about it. In fact wouldn't it be a moral duty? The SIL is actually breaking the law with the forward facing car seat - that's how serious a safety issue it is.

Hmm it’s a tricky one. Safe sleeping and car safety are obviously very important but as pp have said, she will have had all of this advice and information from a HV and has chosen to do it her way regardless. I can see how you trying to correct her could rub her up the wrong way. Still, if god forbid anything happened to the child I think I’d want to know that I’d done all I could to try to help.

Basically you can’t change things and continuing to try to educate her will just piss her off so I’m really not sure what else you can do.