Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask whether to change my surname after divorce

52 replies

hayleyhales · 03/12/2025 19:14

Currently in the process of divorcing STBXH after discovering he cheated on me throughout my maternity leave. Now I am out, I have realised he has been controlling for quite some time, and it’s very much for the best that this has happened now and while DC is so young

Toying with the idea of changing my surname back. We were only married a few years but I want the same surname as DC, though I can’t tell you why that is. I really can’t decide what to do and it makes titles awkward, I don’t like the idea of Ms. I don’t think of him when I think of the surname but equally want to be able to move forward with my life and identity separately to him. Any thoughts?

YABU - change back to maiden name 100%
YANBU - keep married name

OP posts:
Seeingadistance · 03/12/2025 19:19

I didn’t change mine back - too much hassle, was my name by then, professional reasons, and my own name was very common - to the point that through school and almost everywhere I’ve lived there’s been someone else with the same name, which can be a nuisance.

Having same name as my DC wasn’t a consideration though.

WombTangClan · 03/12/2025 19:21

Ive just changed mine back 3 years after leaving and it's actually felt like closing the chapter properly to me.

somanychristmaslights · 03/12/2025 19:22

I changed mine (no kids though) and it was a bit of a pain in the arse. Although I’ve changed it with the bank, whenever I do a bank transfer to someone, my old name comes up! No idea why. You’d have to pay for a new driving license, passport etc. but I didn’t want any association with my husbands name so I was happy to do it.

BeNoisyFish · 03/12/2025 19:22

Do divorced women go by Mrs? I thought they revered to Miss or go by Ms thereafter? I'm not British so excuse my ignorance.
Could you double barrel your son so you could go back to maiden name?

Original poster
hayleyhales · 03/12/2025 19:22

somanychristmaslights · 03/12/2025 19:22

I changed mine (no kids though) and it was a bit of a pain in the arse. Although I’ve changed it with the bank, whenever I do a bank transfer to someone, my old name comes up! No idea why. You’d have to pay for a new driving license, passport etc. but I didn’t want any association with my husbands name so I was happy to do it.

I applied for my passport a year before I got married so I’ve still got years on it and in my old name luckily

OP posts:
Original poster
hayleyhales · 03/12/2025 19:23

BeNoisyFish · 03/12/2025 19:22

Do divorced women go by Mrs? I thought they revered to Miss or go by Ms thereafter? I'm not British so excuse my ignorance.
Could you double barrel your son so you could go back to maiden name?

Not sure if I can double barrel without his consent and he is making everything as hard as possible for me so

OP posts:
Lovelynames123 · 03/12/2025 19:25

I kept my married name, it's been my name for double what we were married now, and it's my dcs' name.

But, no one was specifically at fault ie no cheating. Maybe I'd have felt differently 🤷🏻‍♀️

ShesTheAlbatross · 03/12/2025 19:27

BeNoisyFish · 03/12/2025 19:22

Do divorced women go by Mrs? I thought they revered to Miss or go by Ms thereafter? I'm not British so excuse my ignorance.
Could you double barrel your son so you could go back to maiden name?

You can go by whatever title you want. I’ve been “Ms” since I was about 18 - I am now married and still use Ms.

Lovelynames123 · 03/12/2025 19:28

hayleyhales · 03/12/2025 19:23

Not sure if I can double barrel without his consent and he is making everything as hard as possible for me so

Show quote history

You can use either, or both, without having permission, you just need the name you're using to match official things like passport etc, as far as I know

I sometimes use Ms but official bank stuff says Mrs. No marital status on passports or driving licences

Zempy · 03/12/2025 19:29

I kept my married name for professional reasons and because a good friend had problems taking her DC on holiday abroad when she had a different surname and had to take a letter from her horrible ex giving permission.

I doubt that happens as often now but 15 years ago it was a concern.

RitaFromThePitCanteen · 03/12/2025 19:31

You don't have to go by Ms. You can still be Mrs if you like, or go by Miss. There are no rules. I've never married but I could decide to go by Mrs going forward and it would be totally legal.

OSTMusTisNT · 03/12/2025 19:32

I would change it, I would absolutely hate the thought of that name being on my death certificate or headstone forever more. I know that's weird but I could be splatted by a bus tomorrow!

Squishedpassenger · 03/12/2025 19:35

hayleyhales · 03/12/2025 19:23

Not sure if I can double barrel without his consent and he is making everything as hard as possible for me so

Show quote history

If your kids are young, I'd do it through court ASAP. They are more likely to agree to a DB name now than ever regardless of his feelings. As the kids get older, the courts will start to think about them having to make the change as well as his negative feelings on it.

Gardenalia · 03/12/2025 19:36

I kept my name, which by then was Mrs XH-surname. This just felt right to me for professional and inertia reasons, plus I’m pig/headed so don’t see why I should change anything about myself just because I rid myself of a loser. Also I do like sharing my DC’s name, they are very proud of it for cultural reasons.

Original poster
hayleyhales · 03/12/2025 19:41

Squishedpassenger · 03/12/2025 19:35

If your kids are young, I'd do it through court ASAP. They are more likely to agree to a DB name now than ever regardless of his feelings. As the kids get older, the courts will start to think about them having to make the change as well as his negative feelings on it.

Show quote history

Yeah, she’s only 1

OP posts:
Squishedpassenger · 03/12/2025 19:45

hayleyhales · 03/12/2025 19:41

Yeah, she’s only 1

Show quote history

Trying to shift her into your maiden name only wouldn't be seen as okay. DB is fine. Links to both families. My sister had to verbally state her plans for future marriage and she said she'd either keep her maiden name or DB with new husband. She isnt beholden to that though. Dad just raised it as a potential issue (she will marry a new man and then want DC in his name-ex name).

calminggreen · 03/12/2025 20:22

ive kept mine - married ten years with young children - Ill change back once the kids are 16 or so which will be around 15 years divorced by the time youngest reaches that age. I suspect one or more of my children will also change their name to mine when they reach 18

IndigoIsMyFavouriteColour · 03/12/2025 20:26

I would keep my married name if I got divorced now, I like having the same name as my kids and it feels more like my name than my maiden name did

Thenamechangecometh · 03/12/2025 20:29

Which name do you actually prefer or think sounds better, OP? As you certainly do not have to change back if you don’t want to. It’s YOUR name now if you want to keep it.

LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 03/12/2025 20:34

I reverted to my maiden name when we split up. It wasn't particularly difficult changing it as I recall. I needed my marriage and birth certificates and then the divorce paper later on. The children were older and I wouldn't have changed their name. It never arose as an option.
It was the best thing I did and freed me from ex who was a bastard.

Egglio · 03/12/2025 20:39

I went straight back to maiden name via deedpoll as soon as separated. My DC chose to double barrel their surname for secondary school.

suburberphobe · 03/12/2025 20:52

I'm lucky to live in a country that I can keep my married/divorced name on my passport which corresponds to my son's surname.

Makes a whole lot easier while travelling together.

--I have had an Egyptian at the pyramids asking my adult child about his wife - me!
He was very apologetic when my son enlightened him--

Moonlightfrog · 03/12/2025 21:01

I kept his surname, mainly because of the DC’s having the same name but also because of the ball ache having to change everything. Now my kids are adults I am considering changing back to my maiden name.

AffableApple · 03/12/2025 21:12

ShesTheAlbatross · 03/12/2025 19:27

You can go by whatever title you want. I’ve been “Ms” since I was about 18 - I am now married and still use Ms.

Show quote history

Same. I've never understood why women have all these separate titles to announce - whatever status they think it conveys - to the world. It's nobody's business what your marital status is usually, and men don't face the same scrutiny.

horseplay12 · 03/12/2025 23:00

I couldn’t be bothered to change my name back.
i have now remarried and, as I’d only renewed my passport not long before, I am still not going to go through the rigmarole of changing it again until I need to renew it! Plus it means I keep the same surname as DD until she is over 16 so makes holidays & travelling easier.