To ask whether to change my surname after divorce

[hayleyhales]

Currently in the process of divorcing STBXH after discovering he cheated on me throughout my maternity leave. Now I am out, I have realised he has been controlling for quite some time, and it’s very much for the best that this has happened now and while DC is so young

Toying with the idea of changing my surname back. We were only married a few years but I want the same surname as DC, though I can’t tell you why that is. I really can’t decide what to do and it makes titles awkward, I don’t like the idea of Ms. I don’t think of him when I think of the surname but equally want to be able to move forward with my life and identity separately to him. Any thoughts?

YABU - change back to maiden name 100%
YANBU - keep married name

I chose myself a brand new name.

I reverted to maiden name but id always kept it for professional reasons so it was easy to do. I honestly couldnt care less that my kids have a different name to me. They know im their mummy there is no confusion and ive never had an issue taking them abroad alone. Nor my stepdaughter who legally I have been no relation that gave me permission to go abroad with!

I know the same name as the kids thing matters to some people but I could not care less about it. I never ever wanted to be called by his surname again.----

You dont need his permission to double barrel though it you want to.

My passport was due for renewal and no way was i going to be Mrs ExName for another 10 years. And that was before I found out he'd been having an affair for 12 years of our marriage.

Once I'd got council tax and new passport, and printed off a few deed polls, it was pretty easy. Just time consuming. The worst part was changing all the email addresses on 100+ apps, although it's meant I've cleared out all the spammy crap!

I was professionally known with his name for 20 years.

Because of his behaviour, I wanted everything rid when we divorced.

I became Miss Maidenname again.

I paid all I needed to pay to change documentation. I spent about a year transferring the name on accounts. I invested time ensuring those I work with knew I had changed my name. All time and money well spent.

The children having different surnames never bothered me in the slightest. I have never been asked to prove I'm their mum when taking them abroad.

The thought of being identified by his name for the rest of my life was horrifying.

Only you can decide what name you're happy with going forward.

Ps Well done on getting out of a controlling marriage.

There’s no right answer, it’s very personal.

I think I am keeping mine for now but dropping the Mrs for Ms which I like. I don’t like my maiden name and would hate to be Miss again as think it sounds ridiculous at 47. I do really like my married name despite it coming from ex plus it is logistically easier with DD.

I might change my mind further on but for now I think I will keep it. I feel a bit silly asking organisations to switch to Ms but need to suck it up.

Some do. My mum has been divorced from my dad for 30 years (they were married for 18 years) and is still Mrs marriedname. There’s no rules.

I don’t think changing your DD’s name should be under consideration. Only she should ever do that as an adult.

whatever you decide to do with your name, accept your daughter’s name as fixed.

I find with correspondence like emails or phone calls to (eg) doctor, dentist, school for the children that I usually say ‘this is Sally, Tom’s mum’ rather than give my maiden name and cause confusion.

I still haven’t figured out what to say when I’m greeted as ‘Mrs X’ because I don’t want to embarrass the kids by saying ‘there’s a new Mrs X, and she’s not his mum.’

My next passport will be the final erasure of my married name on official documents.

I would want the same name as my kids

I kept mine until I remarried - really pissed the ex off!!

Disregard the ex completely and just chose the name you like best. It really depends too whether you'd rather have the same name as dcs.

Personally, since he is controlling. I would get through the divorce first. You have a young kid too so you still have to get used to managing visits, getting maintenance and a different address. You can always change your name again in a few years IMO

You can call yourself whatever you like. You don’t and never have needed his consent for whatever name you want to have.

Miss is the female equivalent of master. Only boys use master but mysteriously society keeps trying to infantilise women by calling them miss long after they reach womanhood.

Sorry, just realised you were talking about your child!

I changed mine back, it was pretty straightforward. The only weird thing was I had to order a new copy of my marriage certificate (the old one was kept by the court when we got divorced) as it was the only document that showed both my maiden name and married name!

It’s never been an issue having a different name to the DC. If the names worked I would have considered double barrelling the DC’s surname but it would have been too much of a mouthful!

I’m remarried now but still go by Ms - I don’t want to be a Mrs again!

It's a good question OP - and one I've pondered on a lot.
I've kept mine so far - it's been my name for 18 years now, and I want the same name as my DC.
I'm still Mrs at the moment, I may go by Ms when the divorce comes through. It wouldn't really feel right going back to Miss. I was married too long, I feel too "old".
I sometimes wish I'd just kept my maiden name, and given that to the children. If I re-married again (not too likely!) I wouldn't take his name.

I don’t like the idea of Ms.

You don't need to call yourself Ms if you keep your married surname. There are no laws about Miss, Mrs, Ms titles - you can call yourself whichever you choose regardless of marital status. And apart from teachers - does anyone even use titles in day to day life?

Well it became their name just as much as the ex-husband's once they changed it on marriage - why should anyone have to change their name if they don't want to?
I've got a friend that stuck with the same surname as her first husband even though she has since remarried - it's a great surname that goes well with her firstname.

I just feel if someone had let me down that much, in this case abuse I’d have as few connections to them as possible, and to take someone’s name marks you as theirs historically. In my friends case there are two Mrs XYZs and she’s the one he rejected and abused. I guess I think differently about surnames than some x

My kids are waiting till the youngest turns 18 we are all changing our surnames then as a family my children were very emotionally fragile during the divorce and I suspect changing my surname would have tipped our eldest over (he would NEVER allow his son to change his name to match mine) my son says he doesn't like his dad's name it doesn't feel like his name any social media of his is in my maiden name

Surprisingly as soon as my divorce was finalised my youngest sons school requested I change my details to "MS" I hadn't even told them I was getting a divorce apparently he did 😅

I’ve kept my married name even though I’ve been divorced for 17 years just to keep the same name as my kids and I didn’t like my maiden name , it was easier for paperwork too but I’m getting married to my partner of 16 years and will change it to his going forward as my children are now adults and it’s not longer an issue with schools and hospitals etc .

Why would you want to keep the name of a man who cheated on you? You’ll get used to and very quickly.

Divorced nearly 5 years and I have kept married surname, mainly because I wanted the same as my kids who were toddlers at the time. Have kept it the same when I renewed passport last year as it’s easier for travel if we all have the same surname. Will rethink it when they’re 16+