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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

“I don’t want any jealousy between them”. AIBU

58 replies

SaintlyLady · 03/12/2025 07:40

My cousin who is the same age as me has got a daughter aged 11. We met up for the first time in years last weekend and talked about life etc and put the world to rights. My cousin has one 11 year old child and said that the reason she didn’t have any more was that she -

“didn’t want there to be any jealousy between them”.

I find this a bit strange and controlling because I’m someone that thinks an only child can thrive without siblings and doesn’t need siblings per se - although not denying that having siblings can often be a wonderful experience- but so can only children have a ‘wonderful experience’ imo - but I think her reasons for having one child are a bit controlling - she doesn’t want to deal with any negative emotions from her child and will be very controlling and demanding to her child if the child expresses any kind of emotion her mother doesn’t like. The child does come across as a bit unhappy and subdued in my opinion.

As I say - having an only child can be wonderful but having one to ‘prevent jealousy’ raises a few alarm bells with me. I feel like with any child, whether they’re an only or one of a huge family with 10+ siblings - will experience negative emotions and they’ve a right to express them and it’s part of their development to learn how to manage them.

AIBU?

For what it’s worth I also wince when people have many children ‘so they can all look out for each other’. I mean it can be a blessing to have a large family as it can to have one child but realistically children from a large family at the end of the day are also individuals and may scatter in adulthood and even if they are geographically close - and in any case it’s not a bad thing for kids even in a huge family to learn how to deal with things on their own!

OP posts:

tiredandunhappy · 03/12/2025 07:58

I think we seem to have far too many opinions on the amount of children people have. She probably felt that she would be judged about choosing to have one child and tried to justify it.

JudgeBread · 03/12/2025 08:00

Mate you're reading way too much into a passing comment. Calling her controlling is way over the top. Chill the fuck out.

Original poster

SaintlyLady · 03/12/2025 08:01

tiredandunhappy · 03/12/2025 07:58

I think we seem to have far too many opinions on the amount of children people have. She probably felt that she would be judged about choosing to have one child and tried to justify it.

Yes I mean I don’t understand this!! I’ve never judged anyone for having just one child but equally I’ve never judged anyone for having a large family - eg 8 plus - I think that both ‘extremes’ can potentially have good outcomes!

OP posts:

nomas · 03/12/2025 08:01

Her reason is perfectly valid. Not all siblings get along.

nomas · 03/12/2025 08:02

SaintlyLady · 03/12/2025 08:01

Show quote history

Lol, you're judging her right now.

DisappointedD · 03/12/2025 08:04

I mean it totally depends, jealously because they sent the first child to private school but couldn’t afford a second lot of private education, totally valid, same for one house deposit.m, uni fees etc.

General day to day left, less valid IMO, and that’s the key part. It’s my opinion and not hers. She can have however many children she wants for any reason she wants.

Didimum · 03/12/2025 08:05

How can you judge her child as ‘unhappy’? You’ve met her once after ‘years’. You’ve gone on a bit of an invented deep dive I fear.

Original poster

SaintlyLady · 03/12/2025 08:08

nomas · 03/12/2025 08:02

Lol, you're judging her right now.

Show quote history

Not judging her at all for having one child - I’m judging her for sounding controlling and possibly being reluctant to let her child express valid emotion. Her reason sounds very self centred -

“I don’t want any jealousy etc “

if she’d said -

“I had one child because I feel a child can thrive without siblings”

that’s a great reason imo to have one child 👍

OP posts:

Original poster

SaintlyLady · 03/12/2025 08:09

Didimum · 03/12/2025 08:05

How can you judge her child as ‘unhappy’? You’ve met her once after ‘years’. You’ve gone on a bit of an invented deep dive I fear.

Fair enough o might’ve been too quick to judge

OP posts:

howonearthdidhedothatwiththetinfoilgiraffe · 03/12/2025 08:09

I think you are reading all sorts of things into one silly comment. Yes, it was a slightly odd thing to say but maybe she just said that because there are deeper more personal reasons she doesnt want to share with you seeing as you arent close.

You also cannot possibly judge that her child is unhappy because she was quiet and subdued. I was very, very shy at that age and it probably came across the same way. I was perfectly happy though.

I think you seem weirdly invested in digging deep into this person's psychology on the basis of one comment and it's not going to work. You really do have no idea what her thought process is here and you have met her once in years so of course she isnt going to open up to you, I wouldnt either if I had met you once in years.

northern2025 · 03/12/2025 08:10

You sound incredibly judgy wincing about people and judging someone on a throwaway comment

Original poster

SaintlyLady · 03/12/2025 08:11

howonearthdidhedothatwiththetinfoilgiraffe · 03/12/2025 08:09

You also cannot possibly judge that her child is unhappy because she was quiet and subdued. I was very, very shy at that age and it probably came across the same way. I was perfectly happy though.

Ok the things you say here are fair enough

OP posts:

TheNinkyNonkyIsATardis · 03/12/2025 08:13

Her child might have been subdued because her mum's friend was scrutinising her for signs of imperfection having over analysed and judged the hell out of a random comment from her mum...

CaptainMyCaptain · 03/12/2025 08:15

It doesn't matter what her reasons are or what she says her reasons are it is entirely her own business.

ThatWildMintSloth · 03/12/2025 08:16

It is a strange comment to make and I would say that its possible that she feels she has that relationship with her own siblings and so this is how she feels is best to deal with it.

Another option could be that you were speaking about jealousy between your own children? And so this is why its rubbed you up the wrong way? As you do seem quite a bit invested in her comment. Or maybe you're just an overthinker?

purpleme12 · 03/12/2025 08:19

One of the negatives of having more than one child is yes, a child thinking the parent has a favourite. Thereby creating jealousy or competition. Or perhaps jealousy from something else. So turn it on its head, it's one of the positives of having an only child that this doesn't happen.

I've got an only and it's certainly one of the positives I think of.

So I don't think it's an invalid reason. But there's probably other reasons she has an only as well

purpleme12 · 03/12/2025 08:19

I've got an only and it's certainly one of the positives I think of.

So I don't think it's an invalid reason. But there's probably other reasons she has an only as well

MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack · 03/12/2025 08:19

What an odd reaction to a throwaway comment.

It's true that kids without siblings don't have to deal with sibling rivalry or compete for their parents' attention in the same way that kids with siblings typically do. It's also true that kids with siblings often end up comparing themselves to their siblings and/or being compared by others. Rightly or wrongly, I imagine that's what your cousin meant that she wanted to avoid.

It's bizarre that you think this is about your cousin not wanting her child to express emotions. Only children do actually have and express lots of emotions too!

Original poster

SaintlyLady · 03/12/2025 08:20

ThatWildMintSloth · 03/12/2025 08:16

It is a strange comment to make and I would say that its possible that she feels she has that relationship with her own siblings and so this is how she feels is best to deal with it.

no I wasn’t mentioning jealously between my own children

my cousin is an only child herself so no jealous siblings etc

OP posts:

Didimum · 03/12/2025 08:25

SaintlyLady · 03/12/2025 08:08

Not judging her at all for having one child - I’m judging her for sounding controlling and possibly being reluctant to let her child express valid emotion. Her reason sounds very self centred -

“I don’t want any jealousy etc “

if she’d said -

“I had one child because I feel a child can thrive without siblings”

that’s a great reason imo to have one child 👍

Show quote history

Maybe she has had very negative experiences with sibling jealousy. We all shape our future families in some way based on what we experienced in our families growing up. Some want a lot of children because they loved being part of a big gang, while others hated it. Some want all girls or all boys because they had a certain bond with their own brothers/sisters. Etc etc. it’s not unusual.

She can have one child for any reason she wants and it’s none of your business.

HeddaGarbled · 03/12/2025 08:25

I’m sure I’ve read research that shows that the arrival of a sibling is one of the most traumatic emotional experiences for the previously only child. I think we like to pretend that isn’t true because (a) we want another child, and (b) they do mostly get over it.

I also think parents are often in a state of denial about the complexity of the emotions between siblings, which most older siblings do learn to hide because they know which aspects are disapproved of.

Stories of sibling rivalry wouldn’t be so prevalent across cultures, if it wasn’t a basic psychological truth.

All that is to say, she’s probably thought about it more than most people do.

Didimum · 03/12/2025 08:29

SaintlyLady · 03/12/2025 08:20

no I wasn’t mentioning jealously between my own children

my cousin is an only child herself so no jealous siblings etc

Show quote history

Then maybe she saw too much sibling rivalry among her friends and other family growing up.

I have twins and let me tell you, the rivalry and jealousy is unreal sometimes. And who’s to say it will all come up positive for them in the end or that they will be glad they have each other? Maybe they won’t and will grow up with a negative view of sibling hood.

AwfullyGood · 03/12/2025 08:36

I never understand why people think that they are entitled to opinions of the reproductive choices of others.

It's simply none of your business.

SL2924 · 03/12/2025 08:42

Very judgemental post. How many children your cousin has has got absolutely nothing to do with you.

upsofloating · 03/12/2025 08:42

Maybe she can't have another but doesn't want to go into that.

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