“I don’t want any jealousy between them”. AIBU

[SaintlyLady]

My cousin who is the same age as me has got a daughter aged 11. We met up for the first time in years last weekend and talked about life etc and put the world to rights. My cousin has one 11 year old child and said that the reason she didn’t have any more was that she -

“didn’t want there to be any jealousy between them”.

I find this a bit strange and controlling because I’m someone that thinks an only child can thrive without siblings and doesn’t need siblings per se - although not denying that having siblings can often be a wonderful experience- but so can only children have a ‘wonderful experience’ imo - but I think her reasons for having one child are a bit controlling - she doesn’t want to deal with any negative emotions from her child and will be very controlling and demanding to her child if the child expresses any kind of emotion her mother doesn’t like. The child does come across as a bit unhappy and subdued in my opinion.

As I say - having an only child can be wonderful but having one to ‘prevent jealousy’ raises a few alarm bells with me. I feel like with any child, whether they’re an only or one of a huge family with 10+ siblings - will experience negative emotions and they’ve a right to express them and it’s part of their development to learn how to manage them.

AIBU?

For what it’s worth I also wince when people have many children ‘so they can all look out for each other’. I mean it can be a blessing to have a large family as it can to have one child but realistically children from a large family at the end of the day are also individuals and may scatter in adulthood and even if they are geographically close - and in any case it’s not a bad thing for kids even in a huge family to learn how to deal with things on their own!

One is not enough. More than four is too many.

Two is ideal, three is fine if you can afford it. Four is an indulgence, Five or more is just stupid, selfish and irresponsible.

Care to tell my precious, beloved, long awaited, cherished little miracle that he is 'not enough'?

Hi I just remembered something else just randomly yesterday and felt I have to post it as it was a definite part of my teenage experience.

In my form class in secondary school the most popular, most streetwise and confident girl was an only child and also the most respected. She also also very physically attractive and I saw her on one occasion standing up for someone being bullied - so she wasn’t at all ‘brattish’’ iyswim.

By contrast. the least popular girl who was socially awkward and people sadly wanted nothing to do with was a girl with a sister close in age - 2 years apart - and a baby brother 13 years younger. This particular girl was very dependent and clingy towards other kids and got on their nerves and ultimately ended up alone and was often bullied and humiliated. So in this case, having a sibling close in age and a baby brother much younger - so you would think she could presumably learn the needs and behaviour of someone of a completely different age - didnt equip her with good social skills necessary to navigate the difficult social seas of high school!

So my experience is that while siblings can often - one would hope in most cases - be a blessing - well being an only child can also be a blessing potentially - because what’s MUCH more important again imo than having siblings is the development of one’s own character - you can’t always guarantee your siblings will be with you in life no matter how good the relationship- but you can always guarantee that you’ll be there for yourself iyswim.

What a genuinely strange comment.

Would you like another? Will you try for another? In an ideal world would you have chosen two even if you have to settle for one?

If so, then in spite of your snippiness, you will take my point that one is not enough. It's better to not be an only child. Sometimes it's a lifestyle choice made by your parents, sometimes it's not and it's the result of various complicated factors - age, struggles to conceive, lack of money to support a second child, birth complications, relationship breakdown, poor health of a parent, who knows what the reasons might be?

But in my opinion, if it's a simple case of consciously choosing to have only one and stop there, then it's the wrong choice. Giving your child a sibling is preferable where possible. Obviously not every sibling relationship will be great and some people might wish their horrible adult sibling didn't exist, but on balance I bet most singletons wish they had siblings, whereas I doubt many people with siblings wish they'd never had them.

Why do you think siblings are necessary?

Would you think that an only child with two very emotionally mature, supportive parents would thrive very well - and they don’t necessarily need a sibling? Thing is, in adulthood there are certain times when you have to be on your own whether you like it or not, and do you think being an only child would equip you very well to deal with this?

Im not saying at all you’re wrong in your judgement - certain circumstances may arise to make an only child sometimes feel miserable / isolated - so I’m not saying you’re wrong necessarily - I’m just debating the point and I’m keen to hear your reasons

I didn't say siblings were 'necessary' I said they were preferable, in my opinion. Children may not 'need' a sibling but they'd usually always choose to have one, they'd usually dearly love one and it can be a beneficial in many ways, for the parents as well as the children.

Of course life as a singleton with two very emotionally mature and supportive parents will thrive far better than (for example) three siblings with emotionally stunted or inadequate parents, but that's not really the point. It's not a binary choice between one child with the best sort of parents versus siblings with the worst.

There are a myriad of reasons I chose to be one and done. I'm sure you'd disapprove of some of them but unless you're my dh it's really none of your business