“I don’t want any jealousy between them”. AIBU

[SaintlyLady]

My cousin who is the same age as me has got a daughter aged 11. We met up for the first time in years last weekend and talked about life etc and put the world to rights. My cousin has one 11 year old child and said that the reason she didn’t have any more was that she -

“didn’t want there to be any jealousy between them”.

I find this a bit strange and controlling because I’m someone that thinks an only child can thrive without siblings and doesn’t need siblings per se - although not denying that having siblings can often be a wonderful experience- but so can only children have a ‘wonderful experience’ imo - but I think her reasons for having one child are a bit controlling - she doesn’t want to deal with any negative emotions from her child and will be very controlling and demanding to her child if the child expresses any kind of emotion her mother doesn’t like. The child does come across as a bit unhappy and subdued in my opinion.

As I say - having an only child can be wonderful but having one to ‘prevent jealousy’ raises a few alarm bells with me. I feel like with any child, whether they’re an only or one of a huge family with 10+ siblings - will experience negative emotions and they’ve a right to express them and it’s part of their development to learn how to manage them.

AIBU?

For what it’s worth I also wince when people have many children ‘so they can all look out for each other’. I mean it can be a blessing to have a large family as it can to have one child but realistically children from a large family at the end of the day are also individuals and may scatter in adulthood and even if they are geographically close - and in any case it’s not a bad thing for kids even in a huge family to learn how to deal with things on their own!

There are so many reasons why someone has one or more children (or none), not all of which they want to share and which might be layered and complex. For example, maybe she had negative relationship with siblings and wants to protect her DD from that? Alongside IVF or financially thinking better to have only one child. Or mental health being not being great and being afraid might not cope with more. Or relationship shaky. Or finding pregnancy hard. Or just not wanting another child and worried people may call her selfish. You say you’re not judging but implicitly you are by posting and asking if the reason she gave is reasonable. I think you’re being a little simplistic about how people might feel about this. Her life experience, mental health etc are not the same as yours (even if superficially they may appear so).
Also just to add, I have one child of a similar age. Couldn’t have more due to fertility issues. Would have loved another child for my DD but my mental health could’ve been better over the years so sometimes I think maybe it was for the best. Cost of living is high at the moment too and we are only just managing. I worry my DD is lonely sometimes (I have siblings). Sometimes when I see sibling rivalry in other kids (on occasions quite extreme), I think I’m glad my DD doesn’t have to navigate that as it looks hard. But it’s part of a whole range of thoughts underpinned by the fact I couldn’t have another child. So allow her some grace and don’t reduce what she says as meaning she’s controlling.

It sounds like you've thought too much about a random comment.

It's perfectly normal for 11 year olds to be subdued when being dragged along to meet people they don't really know.

To go down the rabbit hole of her trying to control her daughters emotions is a bit of a leap. The comment could have been from a place of her thinking she didn't have enough to give 2 children.

Or very possibly, maybe she couldn't have a second and didn't want to divulge that ao just said the first thing she could think of.

It's one helluva reach on your behalf from I only had one because of potential jealousy issues to she doesn't want to have to deal with any negative emotions from her child.

She can have any reason she wants to only want one child, she doesn't need to justify to anyone her choices. Perfectly valid reason , you are being odd.

We also "in the wild" usually produce a child every 3-4 years with extended breastfeeding and reduced menstruation with a less indulgent diet.

This tracks with women's recovery too, and a high-level of attention needed for a very young child.

I've read plenty of comments on here judging others for sending their kids to nursery whilst blithely saying they had three under fives at home with them until the youngest was in school.

I was the youngest of four, and definitely didn't feel any benefits of having to "fit in" with siblings. I tend to be of the opinion that it's quite sad that so many women feel pressured to crack out two under two.

But the truth is that we just don't know enough about children, and anything we know in general about kids we certainly can't apply precisely to our own kids.

So we should shut the fuck up.

You havnt seen her in years, and this is what u are fixated on. Weird.

The only thing I find strange is your reaction.

I can’t see how you’ve managed to twist her comment into her being controlling, however, I can see why possibly you haven’t met up for years . . . .

Have you got any DC yourself?

It’s almost certainly not the only reason she had one child. It might not even really be the main one, but rather just have been the reason that was playing on her mind currently as she watched/listened to you talk about how your children interact. We have a hundred reasons for only having one child, and I’d probably say a different one was “main reason” depending what day you asked.

Also, everyone has their own experiences informing their viewpoints. I grew up as the unfavourite sibling, so avoiding sibling jealousy would be a very big deal to me if I had more than one child. You say she doesn’t have siblings, but she’ll have observed plenty of families that do. For someone with different experiences, they might not realise it’s something to think about. Just like I probably do things in my parenting that others think harder about, but they never cross my mind as they weren’t part of my lived experience.

If she has siblings, perhaps she remembers feeling jealous when they arrived and doesn’t want the same for her DC. Either way, you’re massively overthinking something very throwaway.

From someone who is related to someone with a large family I can tell you, it's no joy either. The kids are always competing for attention, it's survival of the fittest for them, or who can excell the most at something they're just reasonably good at to garner their dads attention. For them to then quit as the next child has become good at something else, so they're not getting any attention anymore.
But I also have another relative who is an only child and my god selfish doesn't even cover it. And she is of of the most unhappy people I've ever met.

I don’t see why it’s any of your business. Perhaps the friend had a difficult relationship with her own sibling, or observed the effects of favouritism in another family. Or she just wants one child. There are any number of reasons, and it’s up to her, she doesn’t need your opinion.

Can I just say PLEASE don’t worry about your DD being lonely - because I’ve known people with 4 or 5 siblings be extremely lonely. I’ve also known only children have extremely great social outcomes in life and have known some peiple with siblings sadly have bad social outcomes.

Also even in the (unlikely) situation she may be very occasionally lonely - it’s a good thing imo to learn to manage this feeling effectively - and I’ve known people with multiple siblings who have definitely been lonely - so it’s not just an ‘only child’ thing!

Thanks so much for posting this as on days when I feel less positive do I worry a lot. Thank you again x

Yet people are so fixated on having 2 children 2 years apart so they can be "best friends"!

I think 2 under 2 is a bit of a function of having kids very late biologically as well. But then people wonder why it's so hard unaware it's because it's not the way we were evolved to raise babies.

The idea of birth spacing or limiting children because of resources is as old as time.

You’re very welcome - I’ve seen so many positive examples that completely contradict anything negative that people may say or feel about the ‘only child’ experience that I’m very keen to share them ❤️

Firstly yes it is controlling and she has every right to control what she does with her body.

Secondly did you ask her why only one? Is that why she felt she had to explain her own decisions to you? Because if so that is beyond rude.

I have one. I chose to have one because of my childhood. My mother pitted her three kids against each other and I did not know if that is how I would end up treating kids too if it was something inherited or not so in order to make sure I did not unknowingly do to my family what my mother did to us I chose to have just one.

Lots of people have lots of reasons for just having one and it is not up to you or anyone else to judge that and you are judging it.

I think she was just trying to defend her position. No one ever questions people on why they decided to have 2. Only child parents are always being asked. It's assumed that infertility or selfishness is at the root unfortunately.

This weighed very heavily on my mind when we had secondary infertility and I still sometimes feel I have to justify not having a standard gap!

Although if you have 2 people do ask if you are having a third!

That won't be the only reason. Either way all reasons are good enough reasons. She only wanted one and that's all she's got. The child won't know any different.

I often think if I had siblings, especially younger ones, I'd be madly jealous of them. Having to share my mum's attention. But who knows. You just take what you're given when it comes to family.

Maybe that isn't her true reason but she just says it because she cba to explain reasons (if there even are any)?

If it is the real reason then possibly she grew up feeling that siblings were favoured or that a parent has experienced that in their own childhood?

No I would NEVER ask anyone why they only had one child. She totally brought up this subject - out of thin air!

I would never ask ANYONE why their decisions re children - whether they had one or 10! I don’t ask anyone even if they’ve got children - if this info is ti come out it’s best to come out naturally from them in conversation. I’m someone that believes in keeping convos as neutral as possible

People are nosy, aren't they?! Asking if you're thinking of having a third is a bit different though to asking someone who has one child, aged 11, why they only had one. It's a v personal question and I think these parents always have a quick answer up their sleeves ready to go in order to shut the conversation down quickly.

Fair enough, Op! I'd say she was just on the defensive after many years of questions.

Any reason a person chooses not to have more children is a good one. You are not the arbiter of what qualifies as a ‘great one’.

ALL decisions to have (or not have) children are ultimately self centred. Your logic is a bit bizarre.

I don't exactly judge, but I do massively side-eye those who complain about it being difficult.

Like, having a baby, moving house, death of a relative, all notoriously stressful things, and you chose to have 2 under 2 and then complain that it's hard work?

But yeah, on an evolutionary level we didn't even really ever choose to have babies spaced by 3-4 years. Men probably had kids with other women in-between, women were less consistently fertile (periods are probably more awful for us because we have them a lot more than you would if "wild"!). Women raised children until they were semi-independent, then became fertile again.

Apart from anything else, I feel like 2y is a bad age gap for exams!