To wonder how she does it all?

[oneanddone22]

New woman on my team from another team in the company. We work in an office but fast paced environment. She has 3 kids and is renowned for being great at her job. Works full time and just seems to juggle everything. Always looks amazing and just a really nice person.

I on the other hand feel like I’m struggling with work and parenting. I have one child.

are there hacks that I’m missing? I would love to have tips on working full time and being a mum.

Ask her. If you phrase it as a compliment she’ll probably be delighted to offer tips.
But…. Have you considered that maybe she doesn’t have it all covered quite as well as you think ? Maybe she’s doing the whole swan thing -paddling like crazy underneath but graceful on the surface.
The other thing to remember is that you’re not failing. Life can be bloody hard. Remember your achievements too. There’s a whole lot of people who would be in awe of what you’re doing.

Some people are just really well supported or have more emotional bandwidth. Doubt you’re doing anything wrong, you’re probably just working with the hand you’ve been dealt.

Probably has great support at home, it makes a huge difference

Yes I know someone like this. When her three kids were in school full time job that included travel. She worked out daily, always looked immaculate as was her house!
How? It was her personality to be organised and tidy. She was an early bird - she worked out in the morning before the kids were up and her DH was at home. She’s the type that gets all the ingredients for dinner measured up then cleans the kitchen before she actually starts cooking so there’s never a huge mess or pile of dishes to do.
And her DH was very tidy too and cleaned as much as she did.
She employed a nanny when kids were babies and only stopped her when youngest started school.

Yes I need to reframe that it doesn’t mean I’m failing and actually would be nice to have a conversation with her if the moment arises. Maybe she can give me some tips!

Maybe it's a you problem? One child and working full time on it's own doesn't seem that bad. What do you do on the evenings? Do you live an hour away from work? Does your child do a club every night?

This.

Some people are just super efficient. They just never sit still and get loads done!

1. Support. Does her husband do a fair share of the housework and childcare? Does she have cleaners and a person who does her ironing? What are her childcare arrangements? Does she buy in prepped food or those recipe plans? Does she have family nearby who cover sick days etc.
2. How old are the children? Teenagers are usually easier than small children (I'm now going to get comments about drugs and mental health but most teens are grumpy but able to survive if you are an hour late coming home from work)
3. Energy levels. The women at work who have three children and a full time job tend to be pretty energetic and are constantly doing stuff. People with lower energy levels stop at fewer kids or are SAHMs.

My mam was like this, full time job, four kids, disabled husband and somehow always managed to be well dressed and energetic and focused on her job.

The answer was her support system. Big family, all very much part of "the village", I grew up as close to my cousins as my siblings and was raised by my mam and dad of course, but also aunts, uncles, grandparents etc. Everyone pitched in to cover any and all gaps for any family member who needed it, it allowed a lot of the women in my family to build careers and families at the same time.

The baton has been passed to my generation now and as a shift worker with no kids my house is usually full of kids 😁 not even sure which relative they belong to half the time lmao.

(But also don't compare yourself, I'm sure you're doing ok - and befriend her, maybe she's got some amazing tips she can share!)

You really hit the jackpot with your family. You sound great, and your post made me smile.

I did it by having a husband who stayed at home with the kids.

I have a friend who was like this. 2 young kids, an energetic dog, DH who works away a lot, a marathon runner, large house renovation project underway, and still time to upcycle knackered furniture and organise fabulous parties.

She had a breakdown ultimately and is now equally energetic and busy with life but works very part-time to balance it.

I once stayed with db and dsil who are both similar to your post- I was struggling with everything and then watched how their night after kids went to bed was all about talking their following day out, then cleaning folding, ironing, great tag teaming and working together but both running about before bed straight away. Turns out that’s their night time routine. I don’t know that Icould make clean and organised my whole life, I like a sit down at night!!

Some people have brains that allow them to be very "with it" and switched on the whole time.

I don't and I'm coming to terms with that and learning to give myself a break.

Life is not all about achieving (we are not show ponies), it's also about living.

It's ok to be average sometimes and for other people to be better than you. If you try to let go of any need you have for constant external validation, you'll feel much happier.

The most effective people I know all have very low screen time. So I would say - Put Down Your Phone.

To add from a different POV, I work full time, work hard , Two kids, single mum, always try and look presentable and try get to the gym. A lot of friends say I’m ‘super mum’ and ‘don’t know how I do it’ but truthfully some days I feel like I’m falling apart inside and feel extremely burnout.

It’s al about the support you get.

i felt like a failure when I was a SAHM to 2 under 2 , was struggling in a new country where I didn’t speak the language , DH worked long hours was I constantly exhausted and overwhelmed . I had no childcare. MIL would cock an eyebrow and point out that she had had 4 kids sand coped admirably and watched me struggle and did nothing).

Then when her DD ( my SIL) had kids, MIL did ( and still does) VAST amounts of childcare. It facilitated SIL in ways that I just did not have, and meant that SIL sailed through the early years and still working. She had loads more support, free time head space and full nights of sleep. A truly different experience.

i bet she doesnt waste time on mn

There could be so many different reasons.

I have a friend who's parents have always done afterschool child care, they would cook and feed the kids and potter about the house doing dishes, tidying up, doing garden, dropping kids to clubs etc. Her house was always immaculate, her kids never over tired, and both her and her dh could focus on their careers with no guilt, stay late and come home to a nice organised peaceful home to enjoy bedtime and stories. In my house dh and I both have demanding jobs, kids always went to after school club so then it was a mad dash home to collect them and feed them, do homework and spend some time with them before both doing a slap dash tidy up before picking up our work again. Regular chaos with uniforms not washed, mouldy food in fridge, dead plant pots out the front etc. It's getting easier now they are teens and can a stay up later and b do some jobs themselves. Don't beat yourself up.

Mostly support

Myself and dh have 1 child , no support. So today he’s ill, no nursery, meaning he’s home. I have already done 5am-8am shift at home whilst dh was not working, and we will tag team today. We will work, childcare, cook, clean today.

My brother has 2 children. Between various grandparents, aunts, uncles etc they have full time childcare regardless of illness 4-5 days, often overnight also. They also attend nursery part time. They also live in cheap area so house/ cleaner/ gardener etc all cheap so they don’t do any housework, and in laws cook and prep 95% all meals.

I think we all know someone like this. Like Meg from Motherland.

I do, she has fine children and an important full time job. She looks great and exercises and her children all have hobbies. She’s very, very organised. She gets up at five and she doesn’t watch any tv at all ever. I doubt she spends time on the internet.

She lives close to her parents, within walking distance. All her dc have been able to walk to schools walk to her parents and then to school when they were younger. Her own commute is ten minutes. She is very regimented with food and cooking and has a rolling two week meal plan. Everyone eats it. There’s no fucking about. She does a massive shop on a Thursday night when one child is at some hobby or another.

She doesn’t have loads of stuff. I remember her texting me one night to ask if I had a jam jar because a child needed one to make lemon curd in cookery and I was asking her what size and she was was amazed that I keep about five jam jars ‘just in case’ and we got on to talking about possessions. She’s got a quarter of the things I have including clothes.

The one woman I know who is like this is extremely independently wealthy and has a nanny plus lots of family support. For everyone else it’s a juggle!

I worked with someone similar. They had their mum doing a lot all of their childcare. The mum did the school run, would feed the children so mum literally had to just sort herself. Husband also WFH so could do things around the house like popping washing on.

Someone said something similar to me once, about how do I do it.

It’s a swans legs situation. There’s probably someone thinking just the same about you!