To wonder how she does it all?

[oneanddone22]

New woman on my team from another team in the company. We work in an office but fast paced environment. She has 3 kids and is renowned for being great at her job. Works full time and just seems to juggle everything. Always looks amazing and just a really nice person.

I on the other hand feel like I’m struggling with work and parenting. I have one child.

are there hacks that I’m missing? I would love to have tips on working full time and being a mum.

Sometimes appearances are deceptive. Everyone on my team thinks I’m confident, calm, and find it all easy. I’m not. I’m permanently stressed, anxious, and half the time my confidence is just faking it before I make it.

Outwardly, this is me. Young kids. Very high pressure, senior job.

Inwardly, I am always stressed, always chasing my tail and have a constant ‘to
do’ list in my head. I feel permanent guilt… either for not paying enough attention to my
kids or enough attention to my job.

I’ve always been able to handle a high level of pressure but at the moment I’m close to burnout…but you wouldn’t know that to look at me.

People frequently used to ask me how I did it all, because on the surface it looked like I was juggling an awful lot and seemingly in control of it all. Extremely demanding job. Very hands-on parent. Voluntary work in the community. Part time master's degree. Known as someone who would do virtually anything to help anyone. People would often say that they just couldn't work out how I found the time.

The truth is, I was struggling with undiagnosed adhd and was very close to burnout. However, I had got incredibly good at masking it so hardly anyone realised how much I was struggling. I was constantly on the go, and couldn't ever slow down or relax. I said yes to everything because I needed constant stimulation and had no ability to estimate how long things would take or how difficult it might be to fit things in. I was permanently stressed and exhausted, and emotionally drained as a result of using up all of my energy to meet other people's needs to the extent that I had nothing left in the tank to meet my own. And I was constantly berating myself for not doing enough and not being good enough. But I carried on masking, because that's what I had been doing all my life...smiling, chatting, pretending I was fine and that everything was in control. It really wasn't.

Of course, this woman might actually be very efficient and genuinely on top of it all, and frankly, all kudos to her if that's the case. In that case, see what you can learn from her.

I guess I'm just posting to say that things are not always as they seem. Some people are very good at looking like they're coping, even when they're not.

Best not to make any assumptions imo!

Some people are much better at not overthinking, having less stuff also hugely reduces stress.

Systems - consistent routines (and less stuff, well organised) reduces decision fatigue.

Meal planning, shopping online etc.

I had a colleague who pretty much only wore black, white and denim. She was also very slim. Getting dressed, packing, buying clothes all much easier than for my 12 on the bottom 16 on the top eclectic style.

She didnt agonise about supporting independent local businesses or protecting the environment - if she needed something she ordered it from amazon and she'd have it the next day.
Gym by 7am, office by 8.15, not a people pleaser (no kids). Very driven, comfortable pushing back.

There is sharing stuff at home but some people are just quicker and have high natural energy levels. They are some that are also just more efficient and can just remember stuff. Even small things add up if you do not have to check.

My workplace had a financial system, we had a log in and then various codes for travel, stationary requisitions etc. I could just remember the codes having typed them in the once. I never needed to check them again. Also reading speeds, I read at a very fact rate and do take it in. I just have a fast internal processor, DS is the same as me.

If I had a list of to do things I can work out the order to make them the most efficient very speedily.

That's what I thought. I have ADHD and I can't stay focused and "on track" all day, no matter how hard I try. My brain is very good at other things, though. And I don't have support, so I work within my limitations.

She quite likely has an equal partner in her DH who pulls his weight. She might be very good at planning her time. Quite likely that she spends little to no time on her phone or watching TV.

Thanks for the insights. I did actually speak to her at our Christmas party and she offered some great advice and seemed flattered at the compliment.

Her husband doesn’t work from home but she does have family help once a week. She said she gets everything ready the night before!

Anyway, after speaking with her I feel better and have a better outlook after some small tips here and there. I definitely admire her and think she really is quite an amazing person in many ways but I also know comparison is the ‘thief of joy’ as they say!

Not going to lie to you, some people are just v capable high executive function.

My colleague at work is like this. Senior role reporting to cfo, 3 kids, 2 with SEN, partner also has a "big" job. Just gets approximately double done in life than some people. Not born into privilege either, raised by a single mum on a council estate.

Tbh i get comments that i appear like this. I have a big job in a large corporate, 2 kids in primary, DH also v senior at his work. We just have to be ruthlessly organised about life at home. It comes at a cost too, i don't spend a lot of my time on personal grooming or going to the gym for example. I am "low maintenance" . We pay for a cleaner & have robot hoovers etc but generally speaking i also have less leisure time than some i know and I sleep less.

Inwardly, I am always stressed, always chasing my tail and have a constant ‘to
do’ list in my head. I feel permanent guilt… either for not paying enough attention to my
kids or enough attention to my job.

This, i do often feel like this. At the weekend i can feel like there's nothing left in the tank.

My manager is like that. Three kids under 11, fit, looks 30 at age 46, just ran a marathon, always well-dressed, top performer at work. Rescue pets, house always spotless (per the family photos she’s always sharing).

But her husband is a SAHD & her in-laws live locally and are very supportive. She doesn’t have to concern herself with running the house.

It’s nice to hear it can be done! Being more efficient is on my New Year’s resolution list!

Maybe her kids are last on the priority list. Maybe she’s a bit of an absent mother or has lots of help. You never know the reality.

I think it's really nice you asked her and complimented her on it. She was probably really chuffed. Some people are just super together..I'm not one of them! The calm in our house comes from my husband 100% pulling his weight

It has taken me 40 years of adult life to get to a point where my house is immaculate etc etc. I only have one tip, get up early. 6am to 7am is when I do everything.

Her and her husband could both earn a lot and therefore outsource a lot of life admin. Cleaning, cooking, childcare etc.

She could also have a shit tip of a house but be an absolute pro at work.

She could have a really miserable marriage and home life throws herself fully into her work.

You never really know.

Maybe she is me! Except I’m a single parent ex h not on scene at all
i fake it until I make it. A lot of fellow mums ask how I do it but the answer is I just have to as there is no one else but me and never underestimate a mum in survival mode. But at the end of the night when the kids are eventually asleep yeah then I have a good cry and eat chocolate and prepare myself to fake it the next day

I’m your colleague OP but a sole parent of two young children.

1. Getting dressed in the morning allows me to put on a mask against the struggles I face on a daily basis. It’s the one thing I still enjoy- dressing up- and I keep it going.

2. once the children are in bed, I get the house put to rights- it’s a trauma response- messy house= messy mind in my opinion so bringing order to the house brings me some much needed calm and restored peace in my otherwise chaotic life.

3. my children eat fresh food everyday- again, a trauma response that I need to get things right no matter what.

4. I’m a senior at work and have to put in twice the amount of time into my work (a) because I have shitty managers and b) because I struggle to get everything done in my working hours)

5. I have to work an extra job to balance the books- I do this in the evenings and weekends and don’t go to bed before 1-3am most days (up at 6:15 with the children)

6. I’m litigant in person in courts and have been treated abysmally by the police and social care and am currently in formal proceedings with them which means hours and hours of time that I should be spending sleeping, fighting.

I’m called amazing by friends and they’re always telling me they couldn’t do what I do but I’m struggling financially, mentally and recently had a cancer scare! I’m 42 and there are days I wish I wasn’t here. I’m hoping my divorce speeds along and I’m free of the man who’s done his best to ruin my life but until then, I keep going. No one at work would ever know what I’m going through. My managers know “life is challenging at present” but nothing more (they wouldn’t care even if they did know the true extent of my life)!

All is not as it seems with people. We’re complex creatures.

I love this thread; it's so supportive and full of good ideas.

I was like this (DDs are adults now) .... I had the most wonderful retired in laws who lived up the road. They helped bring our DDs up and had a fabulous close relationship with them both. We all miss them dearly now.

Sorry but the "no kids" is by far the biggest factor there. It actually made me chuckle you put that right at the end.

Easy not to stress and not overthink when you don't have another tiny needy human to prioritise and care for.

Support from family.
No health issues
No kids with SEN
Good sized house.
Money.

Oh I completely agree - I didn't have kids either at the time, was trying to make the point that some people have made their lives easier pre-kids whereas some of us just multiply our chaos when we add other humans into the mix.