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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Christmas Alone. Again

125 replies

BeZingyPeachWriter · 02/12/2025 20:02

There be loads of these posts I am sure.
mine goes like this: been together 2 years. Horrible, horrible year for us both. I miscarried our daughter and recently moved a lot nearer to my SO. It’s been been rubbish. Promises of togetherness never happened or moving in. I’m here alone with my daughter in a strange place. Instead of helping to make this feel different and make it what could be a magical Xmas…I have been informed I am not invited to Xmas Day at his sister and brother in law’s apparently due to capacity. He goes with his elderly parents who he lives with. He knows I’ll be alone for Xmas now. I have no family in the UK. I have been to family gatherings before but I feel like it was only because I was pregnant. He’s wanting us to go away at Twixmas but this has got me in the stomach and really hurt my feelings. After everything I’m left out and excluded. He could have, if it was a numbers things said he would be with me. This is a line in the sand I can’t get past. I hear all his declarations of love but looking at it I spend most my time alone, when he should have be doing seasonal stuff with me. I feel used. Love bombed as I try and walk out the door and he just comes over, breadcrumbs me and disappears. After everything this has hit me hard. He’s the most unsupportive and selfish man I’ve met in a long time. I’m expected to sit here in a bare house I’m still putting together whilst he opens presents under a tree and sits around the family tables without a thought. I didn’t know ppl could be so mean 😢

OP posts:
CarrierbagsAndPJs · 03/12/2025 00:15

Calliopespa · 02/12/2025 23:57

No it isn't "literally" Christmas. Anyway why are you here just making objections?

I'm so sorry to hear about your predicament op, but it is the easiest thing in the world for those of us looking objectively at this to see you should end this now.

If you could combine that with some days with your aunt, that would be brilliant - and leave when he is off without you.

I hope this comes together and you actually have a great time, planning the way forward with your aunt's help. People on here will be happy to be updated and make suggestions.

Wtf are you talking about? It is absolutely Christmas. Christmas is a Church season, not a day. Don‘t be so ignorant.

CarrierbagsAndPJs · 03/12/2025 00:16

TheRealBossMama · 02/12/2025 23:06

You are not his priority.

Are you sure he doesn't have another woman or life?

It doesnt even matter. She isnt his priority. You're right. She shouldn't waste another minute on him.

Calliopespa · 03/12/2025 00:25

CarrierbagsAndPJs · 03/12/2025 00:15

Wtf are you talking about? It is absolutely Christmas. Christmas is a Church season, not a day. Don‘t be so ignorant.

The liturgical season runs from the 25th December to the 6th January.

So not literally the same as Twixmas which runs until December 31st/January 1st.

I could throw in some wtf and don't be so ignorant but I won't stoop to that level of aggression.

TheSquareMile · 03/12/2025 00:35

What is your situation regarding accommodation and employment, OP?

This man sounds really unkind and thoughtless.

Could you travel to see family over Christmas and use your time away to plan a move to a new flat/house in January? Don't continue to see this man.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 03/12/2025 01:20

A kind and gracious family would include OP and her daughter because OP is the SO of their brother.
They don't see OP as part of their family, possibly because their brother doesn't present her as his family, or any other of variety of reasons.
OP should re-think the relationship.
I would be making my daughter a priority, though. Make the best Christmas for her and begin my plan to move asap.

Lurkingandlearning · 03/12/2025 02:15

Grumpynan · 02/12/2025 20:12

Instead of being on your own go and check the local church or British legion etc, they are often crying out for people to help on Christmas Day. You will be surprised what a good time you can have. I helped at a shelter a couple of times when in your situation, and enjoyed the day, gave it purpose.

other than that, I’m sorry if his family can’t find a place for you at Christmas I would start packing

She has a daughter to provide a Christmas for, so volunteering is probably not an option.

Linenpickle · 03/12/2025 02:27

Is he the dad of your kid?

leave and don’t go back.

Enrichetta · 03/12/2025 02:27

I’m sat there telling him I’d rather hear the truth if it’s over.

what exactly are you waiting for - why do you need to hear him say it?

just pack your stuff and be gone.

you'll feel infinitely better and stronger on your own.

Lurkingandlearning · 03/12/2025 02:29

I’m sorry for your loss.

I hope the flights work out for you can go to your aunty in Greece. Wherever you are I hope you and your daughter have a good Christmas.

Having to make tough decisions so soon after your miscarriage is not going to be easy but I think if you can find the strength life will improve for you that much sooner.

Realising he isn’t the man he led you to believe must hurt. Do you think it’s possible, while feeling that hurt, you can begin to see ending the relationship as an opportunity? Could you start thinking about the best area (here in the UK or maybe Greece) for you and your daughter to live? Are there other changes you would like to make to improve life for you both?

iamnotalemon · 03/12/2025 04:21

DeadsoulsAngel · 02/12/2025 21:12

If you are anywhere near Bristol or can get to it you’d be very welcome here. We may be strangers but I’m told I’m a nice person and the kids are now 15 and 19 so will be calm ish in their present mountains! We’d absolutely love some company, it gets quite boring sometimes just the four of us. I’m not nigella lawson but I put on a great roast! Seriously OP, DM me if you want to come, we’ll make you very welcome.

p.s I also have miscarriage experience (first at 5 weeks, second at 16 weeks). I’m so sorry 💐

Edited

This is really lovely of you.

iamnotalemon · 03/12/2025 04:22

OP, I’m sorry you are in this situation. He sounds really cruel x

winter8090 · 03/12/2025 05:47

When you moved closer to him (which was a significant commitment on your behalf) why didn’t you move in together?
I agree with the general theme above. If they cannot accommodate you then he should spend Xmas with you. How hard is it to squeeze one extra person in.
i think it’s time for a hard conversation.

Isittimeformynapyet · 03/12/2025 11:40

Hotflushesandchilblains · 02/12/2025 22:13

I had a little sympathy for not abandoning elderly parents if they are used to doing things with you. But one more people at the dinner table is not going to be overly burdensome so you not being able to go, after 2 years together is bullshit. And for someone planning to have children with you to leave you alone is awful, especially since your loss. So sorry. This is just not good.

It would actually be 2 more "peoples" because the OP has a daughter.

Isittimeformynapyet · 03/12/2025 12:35

@winter8090 How hard is it to squeeze one extra person in.

Again, it would be 2 more people, because OP has a daughter.

Catpiece · 03/12/2025 12:42

If there’s no room for you at wherever he’s been invited to on Christmas Day then he shouldn’t be going. Anyone who can leave you alone whilst they go off to spend the day with family is not worth having in your life x

Millytante · 03/12/2025 12:43

CarrierbagsAndPJs · 02/12/2025 20:48

That is literally Christmas.

zackly. I was assuming Twixmas was something much earlier, such as right now, given the overwhelming attitude on MN that this whole month is ‘Christmas’.

MissDoubleU · 03/12/2025 12:48

Do not get pregnant by this man again. Cut ties and find someone who will give you more than breadcrumbs. You can’t live your life alone and starved.

ParmaVioletTea · 03/12/2025 12:50

This is hardly a relationship. His actions tell you everything.

And you want to bring another child into your life????

Millytante · 03/12/2025 13:02

BeZingyPeachWriter · 02/12/2025 20:21

I’m amazed he thinks I’m so stupid to not see it. He must rate himself so much and believes I am the biggest pushover and idiot not to see it. I’ve never experienced anything as strange or cruel. Like, why do it? End it or whatever but this?

The fact that you are still hanging on, for a second miserable Christmas, is why he does it. Because he is being allowed to! An available and amenable woman, for whom he need never exert himself.
He sounds like he’s a typical example of a very common sort of man, who will always see a woman with whom he is sexually involved as somewhat less than fully human, and thus her needs are never going to be met, let alone intuited. His parental family comes first, and always will. Why would he make further efforts?
He’s a very bad idea, and an even worse one with whom to have children.
(Just read MN: it is absolutely chocker right now with posts from women thrown aside at Christmas in one way or another by these men)

I’d be interested to know on what grounds you based the decision to entrust yourselves to life with this man. (Were you recently widowed? Grief affecting your judgment perhaps? You sound very vulnerable still)
Look at things clearly: he has made you increasingly unhappy. Who needs that?

Get rid. Go home, if the opportunity exists.
If staying here is inevitable, then do without this misery of a bloke at least.
A Christmas alone really is not the end of the world, and you can make it nice for yourselves and without any further disappointed hopes about this loser of a man.

I take it your daughter is very young and not at school yet, given all the moving. Maybe move once again, if staying in GB is the plan after all.
He’s history, and you needn’t carry on trying to make yourself fit into his life. He is very definitely not worthy of you.

Millytante · 03/12/2025 13:13

BeZingyPeachWriter · 02/12/2025 21:45

@Needtosoundoffandbreathe no doubt that. Nothing is making him declare his undying love and I’m sat there telling him I’d rather hear the truth if it’s over. Do it once and be done. Nah, I think he’s messed up, that’s all I can think. Something isn’t adding up but I’m too unwell myself to be doing that

You do not need any decision or declaration from him. Don’t allow him this power over you.
The choice us yours, and surely his behaviour and your own misery make the decision for you. He is not the man you need, and certainly not any kind of father figure in your daughter’s life.

No necessity for pondering exactly what makes him the way he is: enough has been shown to you through his treatment of you to recognise his being 100% unsuitable as a partner.
Leave this bastard, by tea-time today! Just pack him in, as we used to say at school.

Mangelwurzelfortea · 03/12/2025 14:01

So long as you're not stuck in a rental agreement you can't easily get out of - then go. You already know you're wasting your time with this one. Move to somewhere you can meet people and forge a better life for yourself and your daughter.

Catpiece · 03/12/2025 14:14

If any partner of mine left me and my kids alone on Christmas Day while they went on a jolly up would never see us again

InveterateWineDrinker · 03/12/2025 14:48

It sounds like he doesn't view your setup as a family unit.

The last time I was alone for Christmas I was actually engaged to someone who still lived with her parents. In the run up to Christmas she was all excited about it, telling me about her family traditions and so on. When I asked what I should bring, I got told I wasn't invited because her parents "don't see us as a couple."

When all I got to "don't you?" was an awkward silence, I knew it was up. I hung around for a few more weeks but when it emerged that their 'wedding planning' for the following summer was all a fairy tale I walked and never looked back.

Sartre · 03/12/2025 14:59

Well you’re not alone because you have your daughter… There are many ways to make it magical with a child. You can still do the usual traditions like the Christmas dinner, just the two of you. Watch some Christmas movies and snuggle up. I don’t think you need anyone else to make it special.

He’s a dick and I’d take this as a wake up call to leave.

Hotflushesandchilblains · 03/12/2025 20:56

Isittimeformynapyet · 03/12/2025 11:40

It would actually be 2 more "peoples" because the OP has a daughter.

Thanks for pointing out the autocorrect. But my point is still the same - its hardly adding a crowd of people.

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