That Christmas causes unnecessary pressure to be perfect

[Cattatonic]

Of course people should be able to have the Christmas they want. Am I unreasonable to think it has become a competition and causes so much angst to people who feel pressured to live up to the “perfect” day, be it hosting or gift buying especially parents comparing whose child has the biggest pile or most expensive gift. I don’t remember it ever being like this when my children were growing up.
When we say to people we’re not really into Christmas, they look at you in disbelief.

I think if it seems more competitive that’s because the more performative types are the ones to make sure everyone knows what they’re up to. And there’s now more way to do that than ever.

But I think, in reality, most people are just enjoying the kind of christmasses that suit their own families.

You don’t remember because you were a child and not involved in the behind the scenes wizardry it takes to make Christmas run smoothly!
I don’t get the competition - more the pressure to make it as ‘magical’ as in our memories - but see my first sentance!
I only buy presents for my family and step grandkids.
I decorate how I want to - which is maybe more than many (tree, wreath, mantle, crèche, back wall which is fully glazed, sometimes the wall in the front garden). But if this year it’s just a wreath and tree I don’t care what others think!

The only thing that has ever made me feel rubbish about Christmas are other people's reactions to the fact that my kids and I have had some lovely Christmas's at home without needing other people around. For various reasons it has always just worked out nicer for us and they have loved it.
However even though I'm in my 40's and can smash out a decent Christmas roast I have lost count of the times I have been told I should be going home to my parents. FFS there house hasn't been my home for years an and I have my own home with my christmas tree, my decorations that I pay the mortgage on!
This year we are eating out at my brothers house. And the first question I'm is "Oh good, are you staying over" followed by "why not?". No FFS, I want my own bed in the evening, I don't want to sleep on an air bed or the sofa, I also don't want to get up with their toddler in the morning and actually no thank you they don't want us to stay either.

You assume people are intelligent adults… but yes , exactly this .

and I don’t believe op that people look at you in disbelief when you say you aren’t really into Christmas. No one really cares.

I dislike the Christmas period and massively feel the pressure, especially after having kids. DH and I both only children so have to host various elderly family which is hard work.

No matter how much you try and ignore (I know all the Insta stuff is bollocks) if other families do elf on the shelf, Christmas eve boxes, Christmas PJs etc your kids will wonder why you don't. I work FT so the effort to get everything sorted before the break, see the Christmas shows, catch up with the social meet ups (and I do the bare minimum), shops for presents and dinner is massive, even if you try and disengage.

We're going abroad this year which is the main present to each other and hoping this breaks the evil spell.

Why are people incapable of determining their own direction these days? I dont feel pressure to spend money, inject crap into my face, be stick thin, wear matching pyjamas etc, spend a fortune on Christmas I just do what I want. It's actually quite sad that people feel they're being 'pressured' when the reality is that the only person pressuring them is themselves.

I think you might have nailed it there. You weren't doing the behind the scenes stuff.

Also life just seemed simpler, you went to the local shops to buy an advent calander.

My mum would have said 'No' at the thought of buying advent calanders via some sort of mail order.

Belief me it has happened or I get comments like you don’t put a tree up. Don’t do physical presents. All of which is true. Later on in the year we have a lovely family weekend away instead

Its not Christmas's fault that some people come over perfectionist. Just do what you want.

I don’t feel any pressure either. Never have done. I bloody love Christmas. Probably love it so much because I am not comparing myself to anyone else.

Self induced pressure though isn't it? No need to keep up with the Jones'.

You are absolutely right. People immediately go "Wah wah gullible social media users" but it's not just that. I was sitting poised on the online booking system for the nativity this morning to make sure I got the one performance I can make around my work hours. We've got two Christmas parties for DS's 2 sports, and a match for each on the same day, so that's two full weekend days not organising anything or seeing friends pre-Christmas. School have a sponsored Christmas run, and a Christmas market tomorrow. And a bake sale for one of the teachers who sadly died this year.
Also - there is a childcare juggle. No holiday clubs run here but DS finishes the Friday before Christmas and DH and I will both be working until the 24th!

I agree it’s just MORE stuff to think about and pay for. Great if you’re fine with that, but I bet lots of people go along with it and just feel like they’re drowning.

Nah, it’s not Christmas, it’s numpties.

No matter how much you try and ignore (I know all the Insta stuff is bollocks) if other families do elf on the shelf, Christmas eve boxes, Christmas PJs etc your kids will wonder why you don't
Maybe the elf, and on that I just said no. Easy to do. But Xmas Eve box and PJs? Are kids really talking about with each other? Neither of mine have ever come home and mentioned it as being any topic of conversation or something they felt it was missing. I don't think there's any peer pressure there at all.

I agree with this. Kids just don’t know the ins and outs of how other families spend their xmasses. They might get the headlines of a few big presents or family trips. But that’s it.

I think people boast about spending thousands on gifts etc but personaly i am not bothered by others my christmas is always basic and i feel no pressure to change it
Christmas dinner to me is a roast with added pigs in blankets thats perfect to me no 3 courses etc
I dont buy gifts and dont expect to recieve any i dont flaff about worrid about the cost because i dont splash out i spend christmas day having my roast & wine in hand infrontof the tv with my dh and that to me is perfect

@Cattatonic Increasingly, you’ll find people less incredulous that you don’t do traditional Christmassy activities. After all, many people already answer they had a quiet Christmas when everyone is back at work and I’ve always interpreted it as very low key for them without the pressure and stress that doing a big family Christmas brings.

I agree with this. I don’t feel the pressure to have the perfect tree and gifts etc. But I am usually overcommitted in December. I have made a conscious effort to try and cut back otherwise there are a load of things booked that we can’t enjoy because we are all knackered / have caught a bug etc. But I think that’s a different kind of pressure than the one originally described.

When I had to cook I really felt the pressure to get it right for everyone. But generally my family were super kind about my efforts and grateful I stepped up with the cooking once mum was gone.

I think social media has just made us so much more aware of what everyone else’s Christmas looks like.

When I was a child my parents would have had no idea what my friends were getting for Christmas, how many pantos and light trails they were going to, what Christmas activities they did at home but now it’s just all there for us to see. Not necessarily even or just our own friends and family but influencers etc.

So that has I think created more of wanting to keep up or do one better for some people.

We had super stressful christmases when I grew up. All the sibling rivalry that occurred between mY mother and aunts was on steroids. It was so bad that when I was about 15 my father had a complete shit fit and refused to attend any Christmas again. That lasted until
i was in my 40s. So it was pretty severe. Now it’s just DH and the DCs and I. It’s great. I miss my ILs who have died but it’s just lovely and chilled now. We hate parties and going places. Very antisocial but it suits us.

I honestly don’t consider that the perfect Christmas. It’s just a family celebrating Christmas and the advertising company have chosen what they think is a ‘typical’ family set up.

I'm pleased there are so many here that don't feel, or refuse to bow to the pressure of Christmas - but I really, really do.
The stress starts kicking in around the end of November - pressure to be the perfect Christmas host, have the house beautifully clean and decorated, get all the presents, make sure all the presents to the 3 DC are perceived "equal," getting all the food, keeping everyone happy, all the clearing up etc etc etc. It always falls to me and it stresses me out.
I think maybe I'm not the most organised person, which maybe makes it worse.
We're having a really low-key Christmas this year - but I'm still feeling the stress. So I think it must be a "me" thing!

I think so too. Its the time factor / head space as much as anything.
Elf on Shelf probably only costs a few pounds and can be used multiple years, but trying to come up with ideas for it every day for 3 and half weeks, on top of everything else is a crazy headache I can live my life without.