To have absolutely no idea who I am

[GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing]

I’m flipping 47. Just started CBT for what I thought were some quite isolated / specific issues, and it’s opened an enormous can of worms.

I seem to spend my whole life latching on to different hobbies and interests, or whatever, because I don’t have any real core sense of identity.

Does that resonate with anyone? Is it just a midlife crisis!

I’m an single parent with two brilliant children, what looks to everyone like and successful full-time job, lots of very lovely friends and family (although I do fall out with my parents surprisingly often).

But I have no idea who I am or what I genuinely like. I can never answer those ice-breaker questions like “tell me an interesting fact about yourself”.

YANBU - yes I have felt like that or can understand why someone would

YABU - you’re being an insufferable dickhead

I can't relate to all you say, I don't need therapy, im quite content and happy who I am, and I don't fall out with my family.

But, I can relate to hating ice breaker questions! I loathe them, I never know what to say, 'what are your hobbies?', 'tell me and interesting fact' 😣 I come at it from a different angle though, I think its kind of lazy conversation from the asker, why don't you ask me a more interesting question or why don't we just let conversation happen more naturally starting with more basic questions like 'where did you grow up?' , 'what do you do for a living?', ' Did you go to university?' - boring questions but they get conversation flowing more naturally.

Also, I am quite content with who I am. I don't think anyone needs a specific hobby to be interesting or have a point to them, you can still enjoy life, you can still engage in interesting conversation and get to know people, you can volunteer for things, enjoy a complete variety of things or try and quit a variety of things. Hobbies don't define you.

I hope you find some contentment with who you are now, because you will already be many wonderful things I'm sure, or I hope you find what you are looking for.

Well, I suppose it’s a matter of whether, like @KarriTreeSullivan, you’re quite content without having a sense of your own core identity, or whether you feel there’s some kind of gaping void you want to explore?

I think the hobbies are a red herring myself, in that I don’t think being able to say ‘Hi, I’m X and I like watching tv and macramé!’ says anything in particular about who you are.

I can empathise, I had therapy for some work related stress but it uncovered so much more and what turned out to not really be work related stress. Self discovery sounds a bit fluffy, but I think for me I've lived my life in a certain way because I thought it was expected and my whole identity became work but maybe I'm just not that content with that anymore and need to think more about what I want. No solved it yet, I welcome a mid life crisis maybe that's just what I need!

I can relate to this.

I spent most of my life being all things to all people because I was frightened that if they really knew who I was they wouldn't like me.

I put on an act when I met people - outgoing and friendly etc - but then felt the need to totally avoid meeting them a second time because I knew I couldn't replicate the persona that I'd presented the first time.
I was a chameleon.

I'm.a lot older now and I'm a bit better at not bothering to people please. I got a very late diagnosis that I'm autistic and that has helped me to some extent come to terms with who I am and why I am how I am.

Could you give an idea as to what type of issues make you fall out with your parents?

Being able to answer 'tell me something interesting about yourself' just means you are good at answering those kind of questions!

I personally have a couple of stock answers I reel out, I've thought about it beforehand and I just reuse them.

But I guess your aibu is really about how you aren't sure what you like and whether that is weird. I know what I don't like, have some good ideas of what I do like, but don't think I have it answered...

You may have suffered developmental trauma growing up. That can impact on identity.

I can relate to this aswell OP. I’m a mom and a wife and very happy and content but I feel like all my time is spent as mum/wife and not as “me”.

I went shopping the other day and didn’t even know what my style was for when I’m not doing mum stuff.

i think being a mum really changes your identity. You become a new version of you and it can be hard to figure out what that looks like no matter your age or situation.

(also CBT is brilliant)

I wouldn't see it as a negative thing that you have lots of hobbies and interests that change regularly. I would see that as a sign you are someone interesting and dynamic. Maybe you just need to get into the habit of framing it differently? So when someone asks those icebreaker questions (which always do feel a bit fake) you say 'oh, what I really enjoy is variety, so I'm always searching for a new thing to try' or 'I love different types of exercise - I've done kickboxing, karate and couch to 5k in the last few years' or 'at the moment I'm learning French but last year I got really into yarnbombing'. Whatever.

I am not sure people who are very fixed and definite about their interests and hobbies are necessarily better people/have a stronger sense of identity. I know people who, I think, hide behind a hobby so it becomes their entire personality. I know someone who could bore for Britain about what she does, and I never feel I get to know the real 'her' because all her small talk is about her hobby or her job.

Thank you. Your reply strongly resonates with me.

I am on a waiting list for an ADHD assessment but also wonder about possible autism.

I think having learned to mask is probably a huge part of it.

Lots of different things!

Often it will be logistical things re meeting up, or arrangements for things.

Idk I find my Mum quite prickly sometimes but other times she’s lovely. And my Dad probably has undiagnosed autism too so we clash a bit. I also find him quite sexist at times and that really needles me!

Thank you all for your lovely comments.

Sorry not to come back sooner but I’ve been at work all day.

I think the ice-breaker thing was a bit of a red herring - I was just giving it as an example.

It’s more general than that. I tend to adopt causes or even nationalities that I am very focussed on for a time and then it tends to wane.

I love that someone called me interesting and dynamic so that you @SarahAndQuack I’ll try to frame it that way in my head!

But lots of food for thought so thank you all.

Can completely relate. For a long time I felt I didn't have a personality. I'd move chameleon like from group to thing taking on the expected persona for the situation and basically being whatever was expected in that situation. I'd have images of myself as this type or that and wear and shed them, but it never felt authentic, just playing a role.
I realised that it was based in two things. Poor self confidence, so constantly striving to be a different person, and people pleasing, so a compulsion to be whoever other people wanted me to be.
Its taken a long time to work out what I really enjoy and what I really think. What helped was practising mindfulness and trying to be present and experience things properly, rather than acting them out, iyswim? This has helped me identify what really gives me joy.

This is such great advice, thank you. That taking on the personality expected for the group thing really resonates. I don’t do it consciously, it’s just how I seem to act.

I’m also that person who will unthinkingly adopt other people’s accents which I hate about myself.

I like your advice about mindfulness. I’m going to think about that. I have been trying to be more mindful but that’s a great shout.

So you have roles. Mum, daughter, colleague, friend, and various others that you create and project on a daily basis.

Where's the authentic you? lost in time and life probably but that which is authentic is still within.

What is it that has recognised this. Who am I?

There are better ice breaker questions than that and I bet you’d have an answer to the ones I use! Any chance you have ADHD or autism?

I see you’re on the pathway. That’s all it is. Embrace that your identity may be perceived as transient (aka easily bored tries different things) and accept yourself.

And you aren’t a dickhead.

I also do the accents, it’s linguistic convergence. Similar to echolalia

An interesting fact about yourself is that you like to try different hobbies.

Lots of people come home and watch TV or YouTube and that's it.

It’s just having the CBT that has made me go down this road.

So I always do things that help people - my job is a public sector job and I get job satisfaction by doing work that helps others, and it’s something I like to feel I am doing in my spare time. I like to feel I make a difference.

This is an odd thing to think of but when k was young (early 20s) I was watching The Thomas Crowne Affair with friends, mostly male. They were all saying what a legend the character was, and their idol etc, and I was horrified because he does nothing to help others, he’s wholly selfish. These guys were mostly twats though, to be fair.

It’s just having the CBT that has made me go down this road.

So I always do things that help people - my job is a public sector job and I get job satisfaction by doing work that helps others, and it’s something I like to feel I am doing in my spare time. I like to feel I make a difference.

This is an odd thing to think of but when k was young (early 20s) I was watching The Thomas Crowne Affair with friends, mostly male. They were all saying what a legend the character was, and their idol etc, and I was horrified because he does nothing to help others, he’s wholly selfish. These guys were mostly twats though, to be fair.

Its really worked. I've gone from "Here I am in a lively resturant on a Saturday with a group of people. This is a fun thing! So this is me, having fun!" To "Do I feel relaxed and comfortable? Does what I can see, hear and taste give me pleasure? Am I interested in this conversation?" It really does focus the mind on how you want to spend your precious life.

Something I recently read said simply that the real you is how you act when you know that noone is watching.

It's very common with personality disorders in my understanding, and those with ASD and ADHD are at higher risk of developing personality disorders due to the difficulties and trauma they often go through when they are young.

Also there's nothing to hate about adopting people's accents, it's just that you have an ear for it, and it's part of the human condition to adapt and fit in.

Work on knowing and accepting that you are enough just as you are and losing the embarassment and lack of confidence. I definitely felt like I wasn't enough and had to constantly improve when I was younger. In my 40s I started to realise that other people were in fact a bit crap a lot of the time, and talk a lot of nonsense, and that I was actually quite good at some things, and certainly no crapper than most people, and that my views were as good as anyone else's and my voice ought to be heard.