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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have absolutely no idea who I am

63 replies

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/12/2025 09:30

I’m flipping 47. Just started CBT for what I thought were some quite isolated / specific issues, and it’s opened an enormous can of worms.

I seem to spend my whole life latching on to different hobbies and interests, or whatever, because I don’t have any real core sense of identity.

Does that resonate with anyone? Is it just a midlife crisis!

I’m an single parent with two brilliant children, what looks to everyone like and successful full-time job, lots of very lovely friends and family (although I do fall out with my parents surprisingly often).

But I have no idea who I am or what I genuinely like. I can never answer those ice-breaker questions like “tell me an interesting fact about yourself”.

YANBU - yes I have felt like that or can understand why someone would

YABU - you’re being an insufferable dickhead

OP posts:
FracasFracas · 02/12/2025 16:42

lolly427 · 02/12/2025 16:41

It's very common with personality disorders in my understanding, and those with ASD and ADHD are at higher risk of developing personality disorders due to the difficulties and trauma they often go through when they are young.

I don’t think anything the OP has said suggests a personality disorder.

Good posts from @SarahAndQuack and @5128gap.

Original poster
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/12/2025 16:43

5128gap · 02/12/2025 16:36

Its really worked. I've gone from "Here I am in a lively resturant on a Saturday with a group of people. This is a fun thing! So this is me, having fun!" To "Do I feel relaxed and comfortable? Does what I can see, hear and taste give me pleasure? Am I interested in this conversation?" It really does focus the mind on how you want to spend your precious life.

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I do do that to a certain extent but I will definitely do it more, because you’re right, it does help.

When you talked about what I really enjoy I immediately thought about being on country walks so I think that’s something I must genuinely love! I do love being out in a lively group as you said, but I need to work on the idea I’m not there solely to please or entertain the group. Although of course within the realms of being a nice, friendly, interested person 😂 Just not performing it. Being myself whilst being friendly etc

OP posts:
Original poster
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/12/2025 16:47

FracasFracas · 02/12/2025 16:42

I don’t think anything the OP has said suggests a personality disorder.

Good posts from @SarahAndQuack and @5128gap.

Show quote history

No I really don’t think I have a personality disorder! Just low self esteem.

OP posts:
WestwardHo1 · 02/12/2025 16:50

I know exactly what you mean OP and I struggle with it too. "Name something you're good at"....I have no idea!

It's called lack of a "sense of self" and it comes from childhood. It's worth exploring with a counsellor as well as doing CBT.

Original poster
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/12/2025 16:51

FracasFracas · 02/12/2025 16:42

I don’t think anything the OP has said suggests a personality disorder.

Good posts from @SarahAndQuack and @5128gap.

Show quote history

No I really don’t think I have a personality disorder! Just low self esteem.

OP posts:
Original poster
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/12/2025 16:53

WestwardHo1 · 02/12/2025 16:50

I know exactly what you mean OP and I struggle with it too. "Name something you're good at"....I have no idea!

It's called lack of a "sense of self" and it comes from childhood. It's worth exploring with a counsellor as well as doing CBT.

Edited

Thanks.

I have had a lot of counselling so thought I’d try CBT as something new.

OP posts:
Original poster
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/12/2025 16:54

I did have something of a disastrous marriage. But interestingly I’d say my exh has a fucked up sense of identity too. Maybe what attracted us!

OP posts:
WestwardHo1 · 02/12/2025 16:56

SENsupportplease · 02/12/2025 16:35

I also do the accents, it’s linguistic convergence. Similar to echolalia

Omg I do this too. My ExH had a go at me over this and I simply could see/hear it.

And @GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing , yours is one of the usernames I see on here and it always makes me smile. I think "Ah there goes another Blackadder fan" and mentally give you a wave.

EmeraldRoulette · 02/12/2025 16:58

I'm 49

I'm sometimes amazed at how many different people I've been throughout life

I find it hard to get my head around

So when I don't have a sense of identity, I kind of think that might be what enabled me to feel like I've had a lot of lives! I've done some really interesting stuff. Sometimes I look at it and think "I can't believe that was me". But I suppose it's all in me somewhere.

WestwardHo1 · 02/12/2025 16:59

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/12/2025 16:54

I did have something of a disastrous marriage. But interestingly I’d say my exh has a fucked up sense of identity too. Maybe what attracted us!

Yet another thing that is resonating with me. I think people with similar upbringings and insecurities can attract one another, even if those things are not immediately obvious. As the marriage runs on and encounters bumpy ground, those issues rear their heads, and when there are two of you with them, the relationship can become completely toxic.

Original poster
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/12/2025 16:59

WestwardHo1 · 02/12/2025 16:56

Omg I do this too. My ExH had a go at me over this and I simply could see/hear it.

And @GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing , yours is one of the usernames I see on here and it always makes me smile. I think "Ah there goes another Blackadder fan" and mentally give you a wave.

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Oh that’s so lovely!

I’m a huge Blackadder fan and always have been! Lovely to meet another one.

Although unfortunately I did manage to attract my exh by sitting quoting Blackadder (he says) 😂 Doesn’t put me off it though.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 02/12/2025 17:04

I feel like this, recently ND diagnosed!!

WestwardHo1 · 02/12/2025 17:04

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/12/2025 16:59

Oh that’s so lovely!

I’m a huge Blackadder fan and always have been! Lovely to meet another one.

Although unfortunately I did manage to attract my exh by sitting quoting Blackadder (he says) 😂 Doesn’t put me off it though.

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I'd annoy the fuck out of mine with my constant quoting. My family and I can have whole conversations "in Blackadder" and he'd feel left out

His fault. He should have watched more Blackadder.

Justputsomeyoghurtonit · 02/12/2025 17:11

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/12/2025 16:25

This is such great advice, thank you. That taking on the personality expected for the group thing really resonates. I don’t do it consciously, it’s just how I seem to act.

I’m also that person who will unthinkingly adopt other people’s accents which I hate about myself.

I like your advice about mindfulness. I’m going to think about that. I have been trying to be more mindful but that’s a great shout.

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Hi OP. I do the accent thing. I've been changing my accent to adapt since the moment I went to university. I am also very good at changing who I am depending on who I am speaking to.

My identity is the one my mum gave me. Outgoing, chatty, confident, high achieving.

I assumed everyone's identity came from the way their parents described them.

Original poster
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/12/2025 17:14

WestwardHo1 · 02/12/2025 17:04

I'd annoy the fuck out of mine with my constant quoting. My family and I can have whole conversations "in Blackadder" and he'd feel left out

His fault. He should have watched more Blackadder.

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My family do this with various shows! Especially me and my youngest brother. Who sadly lives in America at the moment!

OP posts:
Original poster
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/12/2025 17:14

Justputsomeyoghurtonit · 02/12/2025 17:11

Hi OP. I do the accent thing. I've been changing my accent to adapt since the moment I went to university. I am also very good at changing who I am depending on who I am speaking to.

My identity is the one my mum gave me. Outgoing, chatty, confident, high achieving.

I assumed everyone's identity came from the way their parents described them.

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Oh my goodness, are you actually me? 😂

OP posts:
WestwardHo1 · 02/12/2025 17:16

Justputsomeyoghurtonit · 02/12/2025 17:11

Hi OP. I do the accent thing. I've been changing my accent to adapt since the moment I went to university. I am also very good at changing who I am depending on who I am speaking to.

My identity is the one my mum gave me. Outgoing, chatty, confident, high achieving.

I assumed everyone's identity came from the way their parents described them.

Show quote history

So you're playing a role. The one you got the impression resulted in the most maternal favour when you were a child. You weren't at liberty to be your true self because that didn't get you the most approval/maternal warmth.

Is how all this could be interpreted!

Can I recommend to those of us saying similar things that you read this book

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents-ebook/dp/B00TZE87S4

Even if you don't think your parent/s fit that description.

Amazon.co.uk

Amazon.co.uk

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents-ebook/dp/B00TZE87S4?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-am-i-being-unreasonable-5453472-to-have-absolutely-no-idea-who-i-am

Justputsomeyoghurtonit · 02/12/2025 17:19

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/12/2025 17:14

Oh my goodness, are you actually me? 😂

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Ha ha! Do you also over share and constantly share your own experiences with people?

Justputsomeyoghurtonit · 02/12/2025 17:20

@WestwardHo1 thank you. I'm going to have a look at that.

WestwardHo1 · 02/12/2025 17:22

Justputsomeyoghurtonit · 02/12/2025 17:19

Ha ha! Do you also over share and constantly share your own experiences with people?

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Christ I do that too 😳

Oh there I go again

Justputsomeyoghurtonit · 02/12/2025 17:23

WestwardHo1 · 02/12/2025 17:22

Christ I do that too 😳

Oh there I go again

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😂

TheendofmrY · 02/12/2025 17:40

Hobby-related identities are just one minor thing, and they’ll likely shift as you go through life and have other things going on. One thing to consider in feeling like you ‘know who you are’ is what are your core values in life? One of the main theories about values in psychology is around 10 basic human values - you can do a tests online e.g this one:
https://aidaform.com/templates/pvq-test.html

PVQ Test | Portrait Values Questionnaire | AidaForm

The Portrait Values Questionnaire is created in the AidaForm online test creator and the result is calculated immediately and presented to you on the final page. Take the PVQ for free to get a deeper understanding of your personal values, as well as in...

https://aidaform.com/templates/pvq-test.html

Ritaskitchen · 02/12/2025 17:43

Have you considered you maybe have adhd?
It’s very early in the therapy. Give it some time and see how it progresses .

Swiftie1878 · 02/12/2025 17:58

I can relate. I was raised up north but now live down south, married to a southerner and have kind of absorbed myself into his life (which has never moved from when he was a young boy - friends all from school age) - I’m a bit like a chameleon!
I reached a point where I felt I had lost ‘myself’ completely, so had to reconnect with my home city and my own person all over again.
It has helped, but I still have times when it weighs heavy, and I have to make a constant effort to remain ‘me’.

amoosebouche · 02/12/2025 18:15

The first thing that sprung to mind when reading your OP was potential autism. I am autistic and an extremely high masker. I also have combined type ADHD. It might be worth looking into - lots of women have been missed and find out later in life.