Not to invite sil and family for Christmas

[greenflo]

Dh sister lives in a very small house with nowhere for a dining table and very little space for seating so by default she is exempt from hosting Christmas which means it falls to us every year.
We have 4 children and they have 3 so it’s quite costly for them all to come every year with no hope of reciprocating.
She also only has a small court yard instead of a garden so all summer bbq get togethers fall on us.
Aibu to say we have done this for the last 10 years and it’s not sustainable?
I am fed up with the cost, and always being the ones to cook and prepare everything where as if we were on our own this year I wouldn’t have to go to so much trouble because I wouldn’t need to do all the fancy food and buffets etc it would be a lot more basic if we’re not entertaining.

Dh is of the opinion if we want to see them we have to host them and yes he pulls his weight with everything but still at our cost and effort.

Could she give a financial contribution and also bring some side dishes? It does sound unfair on you.

Can’t you give her a list of things to bring, eg the alcohol, the pudding, the trimmings for turkey and buffet stuff?

Pub get together. That’s what our extended family did when it got too big for one house.

between Christmas and new year is ideal.

Can’t they host but at a pub / restaurant where you can sit people in and they pay for everyone - considering they’ve had it free for 10 years it seems reasonable!

She brings a bottle of wine and drinks it, that’s her contribution.

Why don’t they bring anything? Or you could ask them?

It sucks always being the host I know but it's not worth creating family tension over. I'd just be upfront and ask if she can contribute to the dinner this year be it money towards or her preparing some of the food to bring over.

That would be lovely but I’m not sure how you go about suggesting it.

Just ask her to bring other things as well then…?

Well that's got to stop, you and your husband will need to give her a list. She's a cheeky fucker and no mistake.

It needs to be fully communal even if you host. One of DH's brothers often hosts because he is at a fairly central point between everyone.

We all (bar one 🙄) try to bring as much of everything with us, eg boxes of dishwasher tablets, loo rolls etc etc because while bringing a pudding or whatever is great, it doesn't touch the sides in terms of the actual cost of hosting. We also take on a meal each (there are 4 families, 17 odd people in total), including all sundries and sides etc. Plus alcohol, snacks, condiments, soft drinks, coffee etc etc.

Obviously the majority of the effort is still yours/theirs in our case, but we all genuinely do try to minimise that where possible.

Dear SIL

We're just thinking of Christmas plans and we're happy to host here.
Could you please bring the starters and cheeses and crackers this year? We'll provide puddings and side dishes for the turkey. The turkey will cost £70 so that's £35.00 per family. I know you usually bring wine too which is great.

If she's likely to back out, I'd add "I need to order the meat from the butchers on 14 Dec so please let me have the money before then"

Thanks.

You've probably left it too late to get anywhere for a meal out this year but just say "maybe next year we can be more organised and book a pub much earlier as it can be expensive and so exhausting hosting each year"

Have you asked them to bring anything ? When I used to host everyone, someone brought starter, someone else did the Turkey, someone brought dessert, cheese was someone else.

There was a thread yesterday where the host asked for a £30 food contribution from her guests.
I think it's a great idea with the col crises affecting a lot of people.

I’d be clearer about the wine. “I know you usually bring wine too which is great, can you add in a couple of bottles of res/bubbly/soft drinks?”

Also, get DP to message, not you.

I don’t understand why you would make it a lot more basic if they weren’t there!

Id be upgrading everything!

I don't think you can directly ask her to pay for everyone to go out for a pub lunch, but I agree that going forward going out (but not on Xmas day) and each paying for your own family is probably the solution.

In the meantime how do you think she'd take it if you told her you don't mind having Xmas at your home, as it's bigger, but could you share the buying/cooking? If she'd be amenable to that I'm sure between you it would be possible to plan things she could prepare at home and bring. Otherwise could you just tell them you've decided you want a quiet Xmas on your own this year?

She only brings one bottle, which she drinks. Nothing for the hosts. And I bet she starts on their wine too. So her whole family are getting a free food and watering.

You could definitely just say "we are not doing a big meal this year, we could all meet at XYZ for lunch (and all pay your own)" or have coffee and cake in the afternoon at yours or something. May have left it a little late for booking somewhere this year though.

Could you just take the bull by the horns and set up a Christmas WhatsApp and delegate items to be brought and tasks to take on? Phrase it as a foregone conclusion: "hi all, thinking ahead to Christmas. If the plan is to have it at ours, let's get organised now on who brings what. Julie, can you bring a starter for 10 plus veg and sides, a bottle of gin and a 3 bottles of white. John, please bring pudding for 10 and a cheeseboard, 3 bottles of fizzy wine and some port. We will get the turkey, condiments, mince pies etc, soft drinks and mixers." Etc etc.

I can see why you have had enough of hosting but I guess you need to weigh up the impact it will have on your children and nieces and nephews etc.

If you live close enough to each other a
pub lunch would be a good way to mix up the status quo while keeping the families together.

Yanbu i'd be over this.
Agree with @JustMarriedBecca with DH spelling out they need to sort starter or dessert and go halves on turkey and brong some booze if they want to come. COL and all that...

Dh is of the opinion if we want to see them we have to host them and yes he pulls his weight with everything but still at our cost and effort.

No...you dont have to host

1 -2 x year at your house max and ideally thats 10-12/1pm visit that involves a costco tray of danish and coffee not 3 course meal

Otherwise meet them out...

Meet them in a pub garden with a playground and have a nice long lunch.

At christmas go iceskating or to see santa together and have hot chocolates or a meal after.

Go to museums or events...

I wouldnt be cooking for a dozen people 6 times a year especially as tjey domt sound like gracious guests (ie one that bring lots of good booze and macarons)

Just text and ask her to bring stuff to each one. If you’re conflict avoidant something like ‘Now the children are getting older I don’t have as much time to prep, could you please bring ……’ and list enough stuff that you don’t feel like you’re taking a financial hit. It MIL comes as well make it a joint message and ask that they bring stuff as well x

You are martyring yourself for no reason.

The space in her house is an excuse. A good one, but an excuse anyway, You can still entertain even in a small house.

You don't have to go for an expensive option. If you want to host, you could serve a chili con carne to everybody, and ice-cream for pudding.

Or just say: for a change, we're booking a pub instead -here's the menu, if you are happy with the cost and price, can you book a table for xx people? Thanks.

How about a cheap pub meal out and a walk on Boxing Day instead?

In this scenario instead of doing Xmas dinner you just do a little tea party on Boxing Day or Xmas eve.