Not to invite sil and family for Christmas

[greenflo]

Dh sister lives in a very small house with nowhere for a dining table and very little space for seating so by default she is exempt from hosting Christmas which means it falls to us every year.
We have 4 children and they have 3 so it’s quite costly for them all to come every year with no hope of reciprocating.
She also only has a small court yard instead of a garden so all summer bbq get togethers fall on us.
Aibu to say we have done this for the last 10 years and it’s not sustainable?
I am fed up with the cost, and always being the ones to cook and prepare everything where as if we were on our own this year I wouldn’t have to go to so much trouble because I wouldn’t need to do all the fancy food and buffets etc it would be a lot more basic if we’re not entertaining.

Dh is of the opinion if we want to see them we have to host them and yes he pulls his weight with everything but still at our cost and effort.

“Hi family. We have come to the conclusion that Christmas has become too much work and cost for us. We would love to celebrate with you so we would like to either go xyz local restaurant and split the bill or we can have it here but split the food and drinks. I’m happy to work out a plan on what is needed and who can bring what. If you don’t fancy either of those options, I’m sure we will get together some time over Christmas for coffee and cake. Let us know what the preferred option is.”

You could test the waters with a message of something along the lines of:
"I'm really sorry, but we can't afford to host this year. Maybe we could meet up somewhere for the kids to do something together after Christmas."

If she's just not really thought about the cost, then she may come back with an offer to bring/pay etc and you can work from there.
If she knows she's being cheeky then she'll try and guilt trip you.

We did refuse a request to pay. Situation was previous year we had hosted - hadn't offered, were told that the whole family was coming (12 extra people). We provided everything from beginning to end, they did nothing. They "had to go" when washing up time came too.
Next year we were invited to theirs and they invited themselves to Boxing Day at ours. Then they told us it would be (over 10 years ago) £30 a person, so as a family we'd been paying £150 as it would be "fair to share the cost". Dh, who normally is oblivious to such things and goes along for the sake of peace, fell about laughing and said we'd bring exactly what they'd bought to ours - ourselves.

How fussed are you about seeing them? Are the only occasions you see them when you host at Xmas (and in the summer?).

I agree you need to change the way you host or organise going out somewhere else. Why not do a buffet and do your own Christmas dinner a different day. Kids would probably prefer picky bits anyway.
Alternatively as others have said, say that it is too much to host and actually be better for everyone to meet at the pub. This could also be organised for a different day rather than Xmas day itself if wanting a cheaper option.

How do women like you remain married to men from such mean selfish families?
Its unfathomable, it really is.
I think you must lack any self-esteem to be used like this.
Hard to believe its real actually.
10 years you have done this?🤷🏻‍♀️

Give her a list of things to bring or have just immediate family for Christmas Day for a change.

in both mine and DH families and indeed our friendship circles it is normally to either contribute money or items for gatherings such as christmas etc. even if invited to a bbq we would take booze and other items.

Id leave them off for Xmas but would invite them on Boxing Day for nibbles or finger food type of thing instead

I’d just say it! Hi both we can’t host this year so hoped you’d perhaps do a type of hosting at a pub or restaurant. TBH it’s probably cheaper for you that way, and definitely easier lol … perhaps get your partner to deliver the message … make sure it’s worded that they’re paying considering they’ve been waited on hand and foot for free for many years!

U are not being unreasonable at all. 10 xmas and summers is a lot. The fact you have to ask here, is evidence you had enough.

If I were her, I would say that o love coming to you but feel bad . At that point you could say you are happy to use your home as the venue but would be good to split the cost equally.

We go to my niece. She has a large house and well off. They want us to come . We bring booze and one course. Other family member does the same. We have invited them here but they prefer to host.

This is the way we do it in my family. You just need to arrange who provides what

I think she should take you out for a meal sometimes to say thankyou . She can’t host but also makes no effort to contribute , she could bring two precooked courses and wine etc . I’d get fed up too if I was doing it all every year

Why do you have to spend Christmas with them at all? Have dinner in your own homes then meet up in the evening for games or something.

I've seen so many threads this week where the wife has had enough of hosting, and it's obvious to me, just don't do it.

Life's too short to do anything you don't want to.
Wouldn't bother me one bit if people started moaning, no shits to give.

Get them to bring the turkey( cooked) or pudding plus cheese board.
Last year we took a massive homemade tiramisu, 6 bottles of cremant and some cheeses. Someone else brought the turkey and some canapés. Only fair.

Book a restaurant and pay per head for each family.

Hard agree.

i love the Christmas threads on MN as they make realise how lucky I am. No fancy stuff. No drama. It’s a totally take it or leave it “Sunday roast with a cracker”. You’re in or you’re out. End of.

The nerve of them not even volunteering to bring drinks, a starter, pudding etc. so rude.

Absolutely this. So many people seen to be tying themselves in knots hosting for people they don't want to, or have no room for or can't afford to or people who don't reciprocate.

I don't understand this "think of the impact of the children and the cousins". I'm sure they'll survive not seeing them for one day. Loads of people myself included spent Christmas with immediate family and it was absolutely fine. Spend Christmas with your immediate family and see the in-laws on boxing day or Christmas eve.

You need to ask her to contribute. I host every year but everybody brings things, e.g. DPs bring cheese etc, BIL brings booze

Tell them you are having a quiet Christmas Day this year, just your family. Suggest you meet up a different day for a pub lunch instead (make it clear each family is paying for themselves).

I honestly think some women have some very weird pride in their "hosting" and feel they MUST put on the biggest possible show to be somoene.

They feel like they failed something if they ever get negative comments about their home or their hosting.

It's sad when it makes their life miserable.

I'd have no issue serving a pizza at Christmas 😂

My sister and bil host each year, but I and one of their sons help with prepping all the food, and I provide stuff for the buffet tea and give a cash donation towards the food. My mum buys the Turkey and my other sister also preps food for the buffet tea so all the host has to provide is surplus turkey

You dh needs to speak to her her and tell she she needs to help, come round Xmas eve and prep the veg, that she needs to provide. X y and z food for the meal

if he won’t then I would not be inviting.

That said perhaps it would be nice for you to just have a family Christmas Day and she so sorts herself out, and perhaps meet up day after Boxing Day or something for tea?

I'd be inclined to move her invitation to a Boxing Day buffet. It's ridiculous she contributes so little .

SIL We are planning on going out this year for Christmas dinner cost is around x per head. If you would like to join us please let me know so I can add you onto our booking.