Not to invite sil and family for Christmas

[greenflo]

Dh sister lives in a very small house with nowhere for a dining table and very little space for seating so by default she is exempt from hosting Christmas which means it falls to us every year.
We have 4 children and they have 3 so it’s quite costly for them all to come every year with no hope of reciprocating.
She also only has a small court yard instead of a garden so all summer bbq get togethers fall on us.
Aibu to say we have done this for the last 10 years and it’s not sustainable?
I am fed up with the cost, and always being the ones to cook and prepare everything where as if we were on our own this year I wouldn’t have to go to so much trouble because I wouldn’t need to do all the fancy food and buffets etc it would be a lot more basic if we’re not entertaining.

Dh is of the opinion if we want to see them we have to host them and yes he pulls his weight with everything but still at our cost and effort.

I don't even understand people turning empty handed - unless they are making a statement and feel they had to accept the invitation when they really didn't want to come 😂

but on another thread, one poster is outraged if someone brings something that is messing up their very strict menu, even if they bring the wrong kind of pudding, so I would check with the host before taking anything. Some people are VERY uptight with their menu 😂

Ugh even as a once off this would annoy me. I have never had to host thankfully! You've been very kind doing it for this long.
Maybe it's time to pull the plug on hosting.
Can you suggest that you all go out somewhere for dinner instead?

That’s what I do every time not just for Christmas, daughters both said you have done your bit over the years but this year we are taking roast potatoes, dessert and snacks along with 2 bottles of no secco

Directly. Along the lines of we’ve hosted for years, and I fancy a year off, what about you hosting at a pub? If they want to be at home ( yours ), suggest they bring it all from M and S or whatever just to be popped in the oven. Still a good deal for them, as you’re still hosting/covering costs of cooking etc. It’s a perfectly reasonable suggestion.

I would just say your house next year even if we are sitting with plates on our knees 😂

Just put forward a few suggestions (maybe next year as you might struggle to get booked anywhere this year). 'I'm finding hosting more tiring than I used to, and have realised I want to do less prepping and cooking, and more time with loved ones. We'd still love to see you though so wanted to come up with a plan that works for everyone. What do you think about -

• splitting the food and drink between us (you bring starter and sides, I'll do meat and pudding, we each bring a few bottles of wine and fizz)
• booking somewhere so we all get a day off
• spending Christmas in our own houses but catching up boxing day with something a bit more low key (big stew or chilli or something)
• activity out the home like country walk and hot chocolate

Just say that you cannot host if you do not bring this up now they will take advantage of you and continue to take you for granted for the next 40 years. Tell your husband your not doing it and why let him sort it out, you sound like a mug your husband has to have a word with his family and he has to tell them stop letting them disrespect you like this - give him an ultimatum of 1 week to tell them or say you will and it won’t be pleasant.

Bet he wouldn't be so keen to see them if it was your dsis

Just say to them we are doing our own thing this year for Xmas dinner but would be lovely to see you for a cuppa and Xmas cake on Boxing Day? They have a family of 5 so not exactly on their own! They are just cheeky greedy selfish lazy fuckers who don’t even bring anything for the host to drink? Let alone offer to pay for half of the food and drinks?!? If they make a fuss about it tell them what it cost you last year to host them and say if you receive that by Wednesday this week plus10% as everything has gone up again this year and you have one or both of them in the kitchen helping with the food and the tidying up then you will CONSIDER changing your mind. If this doesn’t appeal then no worries we will just go back to our plans of having a Xmas dinner with our family instead

What is wrong with people?

And your husband thinks this is ok???

I'm sorry, but she's just a freeloader. Of course it's not reasonable for you to host AND FUND every single get together.

This is why we need normalise the sharing of costs for hosting big gatherings on behalf of the whole family,

There is another thread where a poster is outraged at being asked to contribute a poxy £30.

We are at my sibling’s for 2 or 3 nights, minimum of 10 for dinner. The rib of beef for one dinner is £120 minimum. Turkey £80+. Smoked salmon, pork and game pies for lunches / Boxing Day, a big Xmas cake costs £30- 40 + with the brandy, marzipan , hosting Xmas is hugely expensive.

It would be much nicer, IMO, to be able to arrange cost sharing like grown ups rather than not invite people or go to a pub

Don't do "fancy foods and buffets". Do what you want to do, do what you would do if they weren't there.

If you're happy to host, bar the cost, you need to just ask her/them for a contribution- either monetary or actual physical food.
If you don't want to host, say you will just be spending it on your own this year. Maybe suggest something a little less formal in the days after?
I suspect your husband won't be happy with any of those options though....

Tell DH that you just want a family Christmas this year.

That’s crazy she’s never offered to pay for the food tbh

I pay half of the cost of the Christmas meal/tea (am disabled now, I used to go shopping). I pay what ever price my sister tells me, usually about £100.
Its the same scenario - sister has space for us all.

How about suggesting you have Christmas dinner as separate families and meet in the afternoon at your house ? Then you could do a lovely Christmas dinner for your family. You could suggest they bring snacks and drinks ?

The least controversial and most truthful way would be to tell everyone you need a rest this year. No arguments.

From what I understand, your sister-in-law's family and your family are roughly the same size, but her house/property is too small for entertaining, so all entertaining both summer and winter falls on you.
You've been doing this for 10 years straight.
Sister-in-law does not contribute money towards the food / drinks that need to be purchased.
Sister-in-law does not contribute any pre-made food / potluck/buffet.
Sister-in-law will bring one bottle of wine which she then consumes by herself.
Husband sees nothing wrong with this because he wants to see his sister and her family.
You're sick of it.

It wouldn't help in terms of cost because you and your husband draw money from the same source but, in terms of effort, could you tell your husband that "okay, I've done this for 10 years, I'm done. You want sister-in-law and family to come over, you have to do all the preparation yourself. Plan the menu, clean the house, Go shopping, cook the food, do all the hosting duties when they're here, and clean up. I will do nothing because I am not in favor of the visit. You really want to see them? You have to do it all."

Doubtful, but he may take you up on this.

It sounds like if you suggested meeting at a restaurant or other entertainment venue, for the purpose of beginning to get paid back for all the years that you footed the bill, I severely doubt that's going to happen.
I severely doubt that sister-in-law would even agree to pay her half of the bill. It sounds like she has absolutely no problem at all with you guys doing everything and paying everything.

If that's the case, I think the only other thing you can do is just to say sorry, can't do it this year. Don't go into too much detail. Just don't.
Your husband won't be pleased though. What do your kids think? Would they miss seeing their cousins that much on Christmas?

If your husband and your kids would miss the company because they're used to it for the last 10 years, and don't want to switch things up in terms of tradition, then I would go back to suggesting your husband do 100% of the work for the visit and you make yourself scarce. It'll be tricky. He'll probably put the guilt trip on you many many times.

Ridiculous. When my family get together we split the cooking. Host does main course and siblings bring nibbles/starter/pudding etc etc.
She's taking you for a ride but a bit tricky to try and implement new rules after 10 years of it

Exactly this.