Disrespectful Older Daughter.

[CosyDreamer]

AIBU or just taking things to heart?

Some of you may have seen my previous thread about struggling to keep up with the family washing. I took some advice and my normally pleasant eldest daughter has completely threw a fit when I told her that in future she and my eldest boy needs to help contribute to the washing and to start washing and drying their own clothes and bedding etc as it’s time they pulled their weight. My eldest lad has agreed to do his and said it was half expecting it and he is happy to do so. She on the other hand is not happy at all.
Her dad just stood by yesterday when she threw a fit and started calling me for telling her this is how it’s going to be. Now I’m absolutely fuming as I’ve raised this girl as my own daughter since she was 7 as her mother isn’t around anymore and I expected abit more respect from her but I also expected DH to actually pull her up for how she spoke to me. I’ve spoken to him and told him I’m not at all impressed and he said he was kind of shocked at her outburst and did speak to her about it afterwards but she done her famous putting on the tears and saying it’s because she felt poorly etc that she snapped. Told DH she would apologise (which she still hasn’t) and is sorry and it was left at that. This morning I've got up and put a full wash load on before I headed out to work and she’s pulled her face and said I need to wash my things too and started moaning about how it’s not fair that she has things to wash and I’m using the machine. I’ve told her while she has the day off work she can wait for the washer to finish and once it’s done she can use it while nobody is here once the current load was done.
I’ve just got home and my washing is still in the machine (not a big deal) and I will get that out now but she’s gone her friends and just left her washing on the floor near the machine and told her dad that I said she couldn’t use the machine!!
AIBU and being abit touchy or am I right to be really annoyed with her?

I think the washing being divided up is not a good choice for getting kids to pull their weight because of exactly the problem that has happened. You’ve started a load first thing in the morning and then left the house for the entire day. What was she supposed to do? Put your wet washing on the floor?

It is much more efficient for 1 family member to handle all the washing.

I also think just announcing your solution like a dictator was poor form.

I think when it comes to dividing up housework, there should be a family meeting where you all discuss how to divide the work. This would include your husband- what does he do to pull his weight?

Tasks that are more easily divided are like taking turns cooking dinner or washing dishes.

Teens can take over jobs like the hoovering or dusting or taking out the rubbish & recycling and doing the bins.

My 15 year old does his own laundry! I got bored of him moaning about specific things not being washed.

Leave it on the floor. She can do it later.

I didn’t just dictate that they had to do it, I sat down with them and said as there are 7 of us in the house that I’m washing for that it would help if they can take over washing their own clothes.
Yes I left the house to go work but she could have either 1) taken the stuff out the washing and put in the drier or 2) put it in the washing basket that we have for sorting wet washing and left it on the side in the utility room.

Sorry that is not collaborative at all and is dictating to them. Dictators do give reasons for their orders.

You said because of X, you have made the unilateral decision that they need to do Y

There was zero discussion of other things instead of Y that might have also helped the situation.

But did she know she could take your clothes out without you getting pissed off? Tbh with 7 of you in the house asking the older ones to do their own washing is fair enough, but then sticking yours in and buggering off for the day is a bit crap - what would you have said if she'd done that?

I think a better discussion about expectations is needed.

Telling everyone they need to do their own washing now and then hogging the machine and leaving for the day was not on. You didn't really set a good precedent with that one.

Yep agree with this, she probably thinks you set her up to fail.

What is everyone on about? Unless she has two broken arms, she was capable of taking the washing out and putting her own in?

I don't know what these pp are on but in this house if you need the washing machine and someone's ia already in there then you just take it out once it's done and then use it for your washing.

It's not difficult at all.

The problem isn’t today’s washing; it’s your relationship with your eldest daughter.

I understand you are stressed and at the end of your tether with laundry, but you need to make new rules as a family where each gets a say. Who knows? You might end up with a better solution, not just for laundry, but for other chores too.

Effucient for whom? Older kids doing their own washing means less work for me. Just do different days

If laundry is already a big drama in your house and you have a fraught relationship, I can fully understand why your daughter didn’t feel comfortable taking your laundry out so she could do hers. She probably believes you were taking the piss expecting her to hang up your laundry to dry , or that she’d be bollocked if she just dumped it back in the basket.

You need to plan out a schedule for who washes what and on what day. That’s what we do in our house, so no one ever needs to interfere with each other’s process. Allocate one day a week that is her laundry day and she has free access to the machine all day.

I’d be more concerned about what’s going on with the two of you. The washing is a red herring, but there is indication that there is disrespect and distrust in the relationship…I’d focus on that first.

In my house if someone was using the machine then you would wait until they finished, take it out and hang it out! How lazy do you need to be that you refuse to use a washing machine because you need to empty it first.

YANBU to be annoyed because she's being ridiculous. But rather thsn arguing with your husband about this (which is what she wants) just ignore, ignore, ignore. She's just stropping to see if you'll relent so don't. She can wash tomorrow or the next day or wear dirty clothes.

This
There was absolutely nothing stopping a grown adult from emptying the machine and proceeding to do her own wash

YANBU OP, she sounds really immature and needs to get a grip.

But then she’ll kick off and complain she’s helping with your washing?! As she reasonably has to put it in the drier or it will start to smell - or she has to take it out the drier to do hers so it doesn’t smell.

the Solution kind of sucks. I’d have a clean laundry bag /stackable basket for every person

if they want washing doing they put it in the communal dirty pile, it gets washed by anyone, doesn’t have to be you, it gets transferred to the dryer, doesn’t have to be you - can be anyone but the idea is it all gets done together

it gets sorted out of the dryer into each clean basket and eldest are then responsible for ironing and putting away their own clothes and younger ones perhaps Not iron if too young but can help put away.

perhaps have a seperate dirty laundry basket for you and DH, elder teens and younger teens so there is still a manageable separation.

if she doesn’t want to do laundry then she needs to take responsibility for a different chore to lighten the load

I don't think you say what age she is. But for me it's about how you approach and word things. Asking someone, especially a teenager, if they can help by being a bit more independent goes down better than ordering people to pull their weight. One makes them feel they're helping as part of the team, the other can make them feel they're surplus.

There was a threat the other day from a mum asking if it was OK to leave her DD at home whilst she did the shopping and ran errands, because the DD didn't want to go. To me, kids help with whatever they can as soon as they are able, it's part of their development. Why would you have someone in the house not helping? And not for pocket money, just because you are living in the house and you are capable, so you all chip in.
Not this,now you are X years old you have to start.
OP, it's fine IMO to divide washing - this is what they would do in eg. a student house or flatshare. Yes your DH should be backing you up. If it is hard to divide up housework, there are apps you can use.
If you are working, you should not be doing any more housework than any other adult in the house.

Would you genuinely be happy with wet washing sitting a basket all day? Would you want the whole load going in the tumble dryer?

Ok not of to a very good start.

learn from what’s happened and move on.

call a family meeting or pick a time when you’re all together and say that you understand she doesn’t want todo her laundry all the time. Go over what needs doing to run the household and what you need help with.

theres no reason all children however old can’t have chores. Explain it’s a life skill they will be glad they learnt later.

we had a rolling chore list, one month dd would do all the bedding laundry every week, everyone was in charge or stripping their beds. Dd2 made all the packed lunches. DS did the washing up dd3 helped him and set tables. You get the idea . This would rotate monthly.

I should have mentioned she is 19, almost 20. So really she’s almost an adult. At 15ish I was doing my own washing and throwing my siblings in with it to make a full load then one of us would put in the drier and fold and put away our own piles. All the kids do put their own things away and they all help with housework, keeping their rooms tidy, one dusts and the other vacuums and one will help cook if needed and the others will load the dishwasher etc but she wasn’t happy that I said she has to start helping out with her washing as it’s a lot for 7 of us. My older son has took the chat on the chin and actually has started doing his own laundry and because she threw a fit the other day he put hers in with his and the baby’s few bits and done it. Although he did turn around and said if she thinks I’m doing it all the time by having a paddy she can think again 🙄
I actually went out and purchased more baskets as originally I was against it and we now have one for white school shirts/tops etc, one for towels and bedding in the utility which I don’t mind taking on those by myself along with the rest of the uniforms but general clothes and underwear they all now have a basket for their own. The little ones clothes get put in our basket. I shown my two younger teens the program on the washer that they need to use and told them if they have a full wash worth to use the machine if it’s not in use. If it’s only a half wash load they have both decided between themselves that they will put it in together but one loads and the other puts in the drier and they will work together. I’ve also had a move about in the utility and purchased a second washing machine so hopefully that will stop issues like the other morning arising as I hope one will mostly be available.

OP, we receive as much rudeness as we take.
Perhaps its time she moved out if she is not happy.
Parents do their children no favours when they raise them to be monsters.
Your husband isn't helping.
Down tools.
Look after yourself.
Nothing will change while you accept such awful behaviour.

She done her famous putting on the tears

Sounds like you don’t really like her right? And you expect respect because you were good e to raise her after she lost her mother. She’s having a “fit”- what exactly does this mean?
She’s a teen and they are dicks but you sound hostile, angry and critical. Where’s the love and encouragement?

It takes a while for people to process change, and habits to catch up.

We have specific days that work best for us. So DH and I WFH, we can do ours anytime. DS1 works in office, so does his at the weekend. DS2 fits his in as and when because he is away at weekends and is part home based part office.

These things don’t work well when announced as a command- it makes it hard for people to be cooperative as they are afraid of getting it wrong.