Disrespectful Older Daughter.

[CosyDreamer]

AIBU or just taking things to heart?

Some of you may have seen my previous thread about struggling to keep up with the family washing. I took some advice and my normally pleasant eldest daughter has completely threw a fit when I told her that in future she and my eldest boy needs to help contribute to the washing and to start washing and drying their own clothes and bedding etc as it’s time they pulled their weight. My eldest lad has agreed to do his and said it was half expecting it and he is happy to do so. She on the other hand is not happy at all.
Her dad just stood by yesterday when she threw a fit and started calling me for telling her this is how it’s going to be. Now I’m absolutely fuming as I’ve raised this girl as my own daughter since she was 7 as her mother isn’t around anymore and I expected abit more respect from her but I also expected DH to actually pull her up for how she spoke to me. I’ve spoken to him and told him I’m not at all impressed and he said he was kind of shocked at her outburst and did speak to her about it afterwards but she done her famous putting on the tears and saying it’s because she felt poorly etc that she snapped. Told DH she would apologise (which she still hasn’t) and is sorry and it was left at that. This morning I've got up and put a full wash load on before I headed out to work and she’s pulled her face and said I need to wash my things too and started moaning about how it’s not fair that she has things to wash and I’m using the machine. I’ve told her while she has the day off work she can wait for the washer to finish and once it’s done she can use it while nobody is here once the current load was done.
I’ve just got home and my washing is still in the machine (not a big deal) and I will get that out now but she’s gone her friends and just left her washing on the floor near the machine and told her dad that I said she couldn’t use the machine!!
AIBU and being abit touchy or am I right to be really annoyed with her?

It sounds like you’ve done a lot for her, but I’m talking about the emotional side of it, rather than the material things you’ve offered. Also her mother walking out on her is a massive and deeply traumatic event, in some ways worse than bereavement as it’s her mothers choice to abandon her. Head fuck
just saying, you catch more flies with honey and you sound abrasive

It’s not down to get attitude, I actually did post the other day on another thread saying I was struggling to keep up with the laundry, this was suggested as we have so much to do and DH agreed maybe another one would be best to try stay on top of it rather than drowning under it

Oh that sounds better then! Running 2 machines at the same time definitely sounds sensible under those circumstances.

Good luck with the attitude to your daughter pulling her weight! By the way, I absolutely love seeing you refer to her as your daughter, not step daughter - this to me speaks volumes about how you see your relationship with her.

Thank you both my eldest children are from my DH and his ex partner but I see them both as mine as I’ve brought them up from a young age. At the end of the day they are my family no matter the circumstances

If you read my post correctly you would see it was her older brother who is 21 who said that. So you can’t judge me or my home based on that when you don’t even know me personally 🤷🏼‍♀️

just leave her dirty stuff in the basket, once she cant find the top she wants to wear she'll be washing regularly.

I feel like I've stepped into a parallel universe on this thread.

You mention her 'having the day off work' so I'm assuming this daughter is a literal grown-ass adult? And it was even a DISCUSSION that she has to do her own laundry? WTAF! And YES if your stuff is in there, she can take it out, put it in the dryer (or hang it) before putting her stuff in.

I did my own laundry from when I was 13. My own kids will do too when they are 13. Essential life skills!

Your husband needs to back you.

And a whole load of mumsnetters need to have a word with themselves if they think it's normal to be doing laundry for grown children in the house, how are we teaching the next generation life skills if a perfectly reasonable request (/order) to chip in is even up for debate?!

PS: On the her being disrespectful thing. I think you are over-reacting on the step-mum front. The fact she feels she can be horrid to you probably says a lot about closeness of the relationship - we're all horrid to our mums at the end of the day.

Still bang out of order tho.

What was she supposed to do? Put your wet washing on the floor?
Crazy idea, maybe, but hear me out: hang it to dry? put it in the drier? if she is really too much of a wilting flower to do either of those things, put it in a basket and leave for the OP, and do her own wash?

She needs a kick up the arse. Does she otherwise pull her weight? (I'm betting not). I think her dad needs a kick up the arse too.

Having washing scheduled rota? Eg 1-2 mornings and evening a week
DD - Tuesday am and Friday PM
DS - Monday am and Wednesday PM
etc?

Exactly. This woman is 19 years old but hasn't yet worked out what to do with wet laundry?? What an utter failure by her and her parents to prepare for adult life. Hopefully this situation is the wake up call needed for her parents to start insisting she actually act her age.

A mother shouldn’t have to be subjected to a democratic vote as to whether her near-adult children should do their own washing. It is ridiculous to compare the OP to a dictator. Dictators kill and torment people. The OP is a mother who has established a new rule, one that will prepare her children for adulthood.

OP, I’m with you. Ok, the new process hasn’t started smoothly. Not a problem. You can all adapt. Maybe the daughter uses the washing machine on a thursday or something, and then she’ll have more of a routine, too.

Jeeze, there are a few posters here who seem to think that asking young adults to do their own washing is beyond the pale!

My kids helped me with sorting the clean laundry from being very young. I'd too the dry stuff on to the living room floor sand they'd help me sort it into piles for each person, and then take their own upstairs.

By their early teens, they had their own dirty washing hampers in their bedrooms. If no-one had very much and I needed to put washing on, I'd get them to bring their own washing down. If they needed their washing done before I did (maybe they need a particular item) they would put a wash on (and ask if anyone else needed anything putting in).

Let's face it, we're not standing at twin tubs any more. It's not an onerous task. It's just putting the stuff on the machine, adding detergent and conditioner, and pressing a switch. If a 19 year old sees that as slave labour, she's got a hell of a shock coming to her when she moves out.

And then get the shit end of the stick when you put it in the drier, something inevitibly shrinks or doesn't belong in the drier and you feel like shit for trying to do the right thing.

Can't believe some of the responses here. It's not a big deal. Your parent tells you, (as mine told me at age 13 to do my own ironing), that you're to do your own washing from now on. You accept this, because you're an adult. You do your washing when the machine's available, or create a rota, if necessary.

She does her wash or she goes in dirty clothes.

She's 19 years old. She can pull a load out and hang it. She's not some princess who has a cleaning lady doing her chores. This is a basic life chore and she's having a fit. The entitlement is wild.

I think people need to see the original thread to see what was posted by the completely reasonable OP

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/housekeeping/5450392-cant-seem-to-keep-on-top-of-the-washing-help-and-advice-please?reply=148806576

This is a family of 7.
2 adult parents
a 21 year old, the 19 year old (almost 20) who is the main person on this thread
2 teens who are in school
and a 3 year old

The OP was drowning in laundry. This isn't just clothing, but bedding and towels, gym stuff etc.

What the 19 year old is doing is known as a tall tantrum, it is what a toddler usually does but this is a grown up woman. Her laundry is her responsibility, she chose to go out rather than wait for the machine. She can put her washing on when the machine is available.

In this house I have a 22 year old, working and a 19 year old at uni. There are set days that they do their laundry so the machine available for me to do bedding, towels and clothing for myself and Dh, he still works I am retired.

This. Not hard. 🤷‍♀️

Oh trust me she knows what to do with the wet laundry. She just decided she wasn’t going to do it.
As for preparing for adult life DS1 has surprised me and actually pulling his weight and he’s now cooking spaghetti bolognaise for the whole family while everybody was late getting in, he was just prepping it when we walked in. It’s not like they haven’t been prepared for adult life, they have all learnt to cook minus my 3 year old, fairy cakes are her specialty for now 🙈 and they all have chores to do it was the washing that was a big issue and one that seemed like it was my job and mine alone, so when I asked for the grown DS and DD to pitch in, one took it well and cracked on and the other didn’t and still hasn’t put a wash on up to now and her basket is looking 3/4 full again. I’ve told DH to start pulling his weight as i feel sometimes like I’m burning out as I do work myself then basically run the home. I understand he sometimes works long days from early in the morning getting home late at night but I also don’t stop, if I’m at work/home/food shopping etc there’s always something I’m doing. He’s now also been given the task of ironing anything that needs to be ironed as being honest he can do it better than me 🙈 aswel as his normal pitching in around the house.

Did you want her to dump your washing on the floor because it was finished and blocking the machine? It's fair enough she didn't use it if it was full.

The rest is just her trying to moan and bullshit her way out of her chores. Just ignore the tantrums.

If she wants clean clothes she washes, hangs up and puts away herself. Nothing she says or does will change that.

No she knows she could have put it in the wet basket and I would have dealt with it why I got back home

OP I think you are being given a really hard time unfairly in this thread. In my home there are 4 separate washing groups and we manage just fine by taking wet stuff out and leaving it on the side in a basket as you stated. It’s not hard and you are not unreasonable. However in your position I wouldn’t raise it again, I would simply do nothing. This is a her problem. Presumably at some point she will run out of clean clothes and find a solution. If she goes crying to Daddy and he wants to fix it thwn HE can wash it. This is not your problem any more.

No! She could hang it up!!!

what are you on about @BillieWiper this is a 19 year old adult. The options aren’t either don’t touch it at all or throw it on the floor?! Are you truly raising your own kids that at the age of 19 they’ll be waited upon hand and foot?

Honestly for the sake of your future daughter in laws I can only hope you aren’t raising boys.