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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend who told me to 'move on' after partner died... wants to meet up again.

60 replies

MirageMuse · 01/12/2025 17:40

Hi. My partner died just under 3 years ago. It was a sudden death and a complete shock. I've lost people in my life before (grandparents etc...) but this was different for a number of reasons. I was in a very bad place (unsurprisingly) and whilst some time has passed, I'm still grieving for him. I am aware obviously that life moves forward, but grief has no timeline.

Seven months after my partner died - a friend of mine was newly in London (where I live) for work (having relocated). We met up often. We went to dinner one night - and I guess overall we were just at very different places in our lives. I think she wanted to have 'fun' in London and me to take her to all these fun restaurants/bars - since London is my home turf.

In short, whilst very sad and talking about my partner, she said: 'I know you're sad... but you have to move on.' Whilst I agree in part - because life DOES go on, it was more that seven months is no time at all after losing a partner.

I was (internally) incensed - and even am now (albeit to a lesser degree). The reason I am a little less angry now is because I think those that haven't experienced profound loss - just don't 'get it'. During the early days of grief, I read a lot of books/literature. A quote always stood out. It said: 'Grief is the club nobody asked to join, where membership is automatic after losing someone you love.'

Anyway, she was here for a work placement, but then left. She's now back and wants to meet up again.

AIBU to just not want to see her again? I never looked at her the same way again after her 'party placement' in London and that dinner in particular. It was a lot of work having her around having to be the 'director' every time we went out.

Another quote I read at the time was: 'Grief changes your address book'. I know that might sound weird, but it really did for me. My entire social network changed and due to vultures/his will being contested etc... I saw a lot of people very differently.

I don't wish to sound bitter - and I'm aware that grief is an awful and lonely journey, so I don't want to 'lose' any friends - but the wonderful network of friends I do have, have been great to me, so I don't need 'superficial' friendships. nor to play 'London host' again which I believe is what she expects.

OP posts:
Hohumdedum · 01/12/2025 17:44

Of course you are allowed to not want to see her again. You don't have to be friends with someone, especially if they've hurt you.

I do agree though that those who haven't experienced profound grief hugely underestimate how long it affects you for, and how it can change you.

Motnight · 01/12/2025 17:44

I am sorry for your loss, Op.

Do what you have to do. You don't need to spend time on this person.

Sillysoggyspaniel · 01/12/2025 17:46

Not unreasonable at all. My best friend died ten months ago. If someone suggested tomorrow that I should just move on and recreate those intimate shared moments with some randomer I'd never want to talk to them again because they clearly didn't know me as a person, my values, what my relationship with my friend meant, or how self absorbed their comments were.

VivX · 01/12/2025 17:46

If you don't want to spend time with her, then just decline. You're not obliged to be her tour guide.

MatildaTheCat · 01/12/2025 17:46

Either ignore her or tell her you can’t arrange to meet. No particular need to give a reason.

Im extremely sorry for your loss and suffering. I have joined your club a few times, the last most painfully. It’s a horrible place to be sent and yes, it does change your address book and it changes the way you look at certain people forever.

Take great care of yourself and let her have fun all alone.

AwfullyGood · 01/12/2025 17:46

I'm sorry for loss OP.

She's not a good friend - at best she's thoughtless & insensitive. Her comment was completely unneccessary and extremely dismissive.

AntiqueBooks · 01/12/2025 17:47

You can ditch her for being a user, never mind the “move on” comment.

Onlyhereforthebatshitneighbours · 01/12/2025 17:47

She doesn't need to have experienced a similar loss to know what an insensitive, callous thing that was to say @MirageMuse .

People often get it wrong when it comes to bereavement. You are not unreasonable at all and I'm very sorry for everything you've been through Flowers

Rhubarbandgooseburycrumble · 01/12/2025 17:47

Bloody hell OP I’m sorry for your loss. Your friend was very out of order. 7 months is no time at all and no way should she have said that to you or expected you to want to go out clubs etc. Unless of course that’s what you wanted to do but you didn’t.

She doesn’t sound like she’d add anything to your life.

TastelessMiserySand · 01/12/2025 17:47

I'm so sorry you're going through this. You're absolutely right to protect your space and peace for now xx

Catpiece · 01/12/2025 17:48

Don’t set yourself on fire to keep her warm. Look after yourself x

AnAlpacaForChristmasPleaseSanta · 01/12/2025 17:50

Grief does tend to show us who people really are and how dependable or otherwise they may be. I think you sum it up yourself when you say about not wanting superficial friendships, who has the energy for it at the best of times?

After my dad died a friend of my mums tried to embroil her into selling raffle tickets at a busy charity event happening the following week. When mum protested that she wasn't up for it she was told how selfish she was not wanting to help charity and it had been "ages" since DDads passing. It had actually been 10 days.

When it comes to grief some people are just dicks unfortunately.

TheatricalLife · 01/12/2025 17:51

YANBU at all.
Being generous, I'd say it probably came from a good, but stupid place. She was trying to be stoic and helpful without the knowledge of what grief really feels like.
If you don't want to see her again that is absolutely fine. Do what makes you most comfortable.
I'm so, so sorry for your loss ❤️

ViciousCurrentBun · 01/12/2025 17:51

I am sorry for your loss, Personally I wouldn’t want to know someone as cold and tactless as that.

vincettenoir · 01/12/2025 17:55

It sounds like the tactless comment is a small part of the picture and you find hanging out with her a chore.

If you don’t want to spend your free time with her, you don’t have to. It’s as simple as that.

outerspacepotato · 01/12/2025 17:55

If you haven't lost a spouse, I don't think you get the intensity of how it affects every facet of your life when that connection is severed. I think a sudden loss is even more difficult because there's no time to prepare and get things in order.

You weren't and aren't in the headspace to play tour guide/party buddy for someone who is telling you how to feel about your loss and seems to be dismissive of grief. She's not an understanding friend.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Lemonysnickety · 01/12/2025 17:56

I can completely see why you would never want to see her again.

My friend fell out with my DH months after his best mate’s wife died because he would not set her up with his best friend who was obviously absolutely bereft and beside himself with grief.

I’ve dropped the friendship over it. I could just never see her the same way again. So I completely get what you mean and that wasn’t even my own grief, your situation must cut very deep.

VictoriousPunge · 01/12/2025 18:00

When my mother was dying of cancer and I was in my 20s, I lost a friend. I was at her house one evening, and she excitedly offered me a book to read. She thought it would be of huge help to my mother. It was a spiritual thing about how all bodily illness is the result of something the person did in a previous life. She genuinely thought I and my mum would be delighted by a book that explained to her how she'd brought her cancer upon herself through previous wrong-doing.

I couldn't have even begun to explain to her how I felt, and I didn't try. But I never saw her again.

Shortly after that, when my mum had died, I also cut ties with my then boyfriend. He'd known my mum personally. I was very numb after we lost her, and I remember the first time I actually cried was around three months later, when I was round at my boyfriend's house. He reacted by saying, 'Oh for God's sake get over it, it's been three months'.

We have mutual friends who have invited him to birthday parties, weddings etc over the years, and I will avoid going because I never want to clap eyes in him again. This was 25 years ago and it's a grudge I'll gladly take to my grave.

You are most certainly not being unreasonable.

So sorry for your loss xxx

Original poster
MirageMuse · 01/12/2025 18:02

vincettenoir · 01/12/2025 17:55

It sounds like the tactless comment is a small part of the picture and you find hanging out with her a chore.

If you don’t want to spend your free time with her, you don’t have to. It’s as simple as that.

Yes, perhaps you are right. It was more that her return is advertised as a: "I'M BACKKKKK!!" and I just can't hack it. I think she thinks it'll be like a 'great return' for her/us - but when I look back to the months after my partner died - I cannot begin to tell you how awful it was.

Looking back, I'm baffled at how I managed to play 'director' even in the 'early days' and 'fog' of grief.

I feel like my tolerance for anything I don't want to do is... zero. My circle and world became quite insular - not in a hermit/unhealthy way - more in that I can't hack doing anything that drains me. Even for a mere moment.

But/yet every time I think of her; I think back to that one comment. So perhaps it is a bit of both.

OP posts:
CinnamonBuns67 · 01/12/2025 18:06

I'd tell her you don't want to meet up with her as you don't wish to maintain the friendship with her because what she said. Then just leave it at that.

ComfortFoodCafe · 01/12/2025 18:07

I would honestly ghost & block her. Vile woman. 🫂

Stardogchampion · 01/12/2025 18:08

Sometimes people say things that cut deep and you just can't get past it. An old friend of mine once made a really shitty, mean, unnecessary and unhelpful comment to (and about) me when I was at a low point and I just couldn't really see her in the same way after that. If you don't feel like continuing the friendship you have no obligation whatsoever to do so. 💐

Howtogetthrough · 01/12/2025 18:09

Six months after my baby son died my mother told me " you should be over that by now". Fifty years on and I've never forgotten that or ceased to be hurt by it.

So i totally empathise with you OP. There is no right and wrong about grief: you grieve in the way you need to and for as long as you need to.

This woman hurt you at a very low and vulnerable time in your life and you need to protect yourself from her.

I'm so sorry about your partner.
.

HickheadDamster · 01/12/2025 18:11

VictoriousPunge · 01/12/2025 18:00

When my mother was dying of cancer and I was in my 20s, I lost a friend. I was at her house one evening, and she excitedly offered me a book to read. She thought it would be of huge help to my mother. It was a spiritual thing about how all bodily illness is the result of something the person did in a previous life. She genuinely thought I and my mum would be delighted by a book that explained to her how she'd brought her cancer upon herself through previous wrong-doing.

I couldn't have even begun to explain to her how I felt, and I didn't try. But I never saw her again.

Shortly after that, when my mum had died, I also cut ties with my then boyfriend. He'd known my mum personally. I was very numb after we lost her, and I remember the first time I actually cried was around three months later, when I was round at my boyfriend's house. He reacted by saying, 'Oh for God's sake get over it, it's been three months'.

We have mutual friends who have invited him to birthday parties, weddings etc over the years, and I will avoid going because I never want to clap eyes in him again. This was 25 years ago and it's a grudge I'll gladly take to my grave.

You are most certainly not being unreasonable.

So sorry for your loss xxx

People can say the most unbelievable things, cant they?

3 months after my dad died I was out with the 'nursery mums' and one of them said: "Aww, your still upset about it aren't you?" I was speechless to be honest - it had been mere weeks! The same woman lost her grandad 2 years ago and she regularly posts on fb about how sad she is and how much she misses him. I've resisted the urge to comment about her STILL being upset but I dont have anything to do with her anymore even though our kids are at the same school.

Just to add, they had asked about my dad, I didn't bring it up and wasnt being a party pooper! It was just after Christmas (obviously my first without him) so yes I did get teary eyed when they brought it up 😪

NorthSouthEast · 01/12/2025 18:12

Ah OP I’m sorry for your loss. I can relate and I think it’s important that when people cock up with their stupid insensitive statements that you allow yourself to stand back and assess what’s behind the idiocy. Sometimes it’s just mouth running ahead of brain. Sometimes people are really insensitive but don’t realise they have been because they were not privy to the specific details of your circumstances or the circumstances of someone’s death. Sometimes they are insensitive full stop.

so you have to decide whether you can let it go or if it’s too hurtful to get past. And part of that decision will also require you to weigh up their attitude and intentions.

I had friends say very silly things but they were mistakes and the friends themselves were generally fabulously helpful and kind. If your friend is a) insensitive and b) a user, you’re perfectly entitled to decide that they are not worthy of your emotional energy or physical presence.

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