Friend who told me to 'move on' after partner died... wants to meet up again.

[MirageMuse]

Hi. My partner died just under 3 years ago. It was a sudden death and a complete shock. I've lost people in my life before (grandparents etc...) but this was different for a number of reasons. I was in a very bad place (unsurprisingly) and whilst some time has passed, I'm still grieving for him. I am aware obviously that life moves forward, but grief has no timeline.

Seven months after my partner died - a friend of mine was newly in London (where I live) for work (having relocated). We met up often. We went to dinner one night - and I guess overall we were just at very different places in our lives. I think she wanted to have 'fun' in London and me to take her to all these fun restaurants/bars - since London is my home turf.

In short, whilst very sad and talking about my partner, she said: 'I know you're sad... but you have to move on.' Whilst I agree in part - because life DOES go on, it was more that seven months is no time at all after losing a partner.

I was (internally) incensed - and even am now (albeit to a lesser degree). The reason I am a little less angry now is because I think those that haven't experienced profound loss - just don't 'get it'. During the early days of grief, I read a lot of books/literature. A quote always stood out. It said: 'Grief is the club nobody asked to join, where membership is automatic after losing someone you love.'

Anyway, she was here for a work placement, but then left. She's now back and wants to meet up again.

AIBU to just not want to see her again? I never looked at her the same way again after her 'party placement' in London and that dinner in particular. It was a lot of work having her around having to be the 'director' every time we went out.

Another quote I read at the time was: 'Grief changes your address book'. I know that might sound weird, but it really did for me. My entire social network changed and due to vultures/his will being contested etc... I saw a lot of people very differently.

I don't wish to sound bitter - and I'm aware that grief is an awful and lonely journey, so I don't want to 'lose' any friends - but the wonderful network of friends I do have, have been great to me, so I don't need 'superficial' friendships. nor to play 'London host' again which I believe is what she expects.

I'm so sorry.

YANBU to not want to see her again. Grief changes you.

I’m so sorry for your loss.

People can say really stupid stuff but it’s the lack of consideration and understanding that’s hurtful when you need people the most.

I’ve stopped speaking to certain people following an unexpected bereavement of a young member of my family. One person who I considered a good friend never mentioned it. They never said they were sorry to hear…. or anything. It wasn’t mentioned once. I was beyond hurt. I understand people don’t know what to say but that is a really shit excuse.

What I did learn from the whole sorry experience was that life is really fucking short so spend it doing things you want to with people you want to spend time with.

I wouldn’t have anything to do with her. She’s been very unkind and clearly is totally focussed on herself. Her recent comment of l’m back reinforces that. Block and move on.

Sometimes people are reluctant to accept that things were said without malice and positive intent in mind!

These things go both ways

You say you can’t stand the thought of bothering with anything that doesn’t interest you yet you seem keen to burn energy on this and a comment that was said 3 years ago with nil malice but utter thoughtlessness

Don't see her again OP. Grief does indeed change your address book and in some ways your whole outlook on life and humanity. I will never forget (or forgive) a couple of comments from people after my DH died quite suddenly. I know people don't "get it" until it happens to them but still. I'd put a truly brave face on it too, so I wasn't courting sympathy or anything.

I'm sorry for your loss - and sorry that you've been made to feel you need to justify your completely normal and natural grief.

Bereavement shows you who your friends are. She isn't one.

My mum died young and after 6 months someone told me that since it had been 6 months I should have been "over it" and have "forgotten her" by then. Unlike you, I told them what I thought of their comment. They are not part of my life anymore and I don't regret that.

You are allowed to have boundaries and to protect yourself from dickheads.

If someone hasn't bothered to given any thought to their comment then you cannot say it was made with positive intent or without malice.

Grieving people do not have to be the punching bags of people too careless and stupid to use their brains to avoid wounding someone.

I don't know. I dropped a friend once for making a tactless comment and was sorry afterwards.

Could you meet her once for a low key dinner and see how it goes? See if she knows she said the wrong thing and accepts you moving at your own pace?

I wouldn't be able to get over that comment either. It's times like these that show us who people really are.

For the record, I divorced my exH over a couple of unpleasant things he said while my mum had cancer. She survived and is still here but at the time, it looked like she may not make it past the end of the year. It was a horrible time.

I remember looking at him in a totally different light. He was a dick anyway but something about what he said turned a light bulb in my head.

Sounds like she wasn't a very good friend when you needed her anyway, and that comment just really shows it loud and clear.

Just tell her you’ve moved on from being friends with her. Touché!

She thoughtless and inconsiderate . If she said it now it would still be inappropriate the way she worded it then .There's nicer ways of saying to somebody not to let their life end with the partner's death - but not until you're asked either.
Having gone through the same thing as someone -might make you more empathetic but it's just common decency not to say things like that.

Is there any part of you that still wants part of the friendship? If there is maybe put a clear boundary up for ‘I’d be able to X or Y but other commitments wouldn’t allow time for more’.
If there isn’t, then don’t.

A few months after my DMum died (a horrid long ending) a colleague/friend made a similar tactless comment, basically trying to enforce their point of view on me, which was critical of the care I’d given. It really hurt. I was able to mostly avoid that person for a couple of years.
We’ve recently had reason to be in contact again and I’ve been able to value the other parts of them, and our relationship, separate to their thoughtless comment.

I think it's a bit beyond not wanting to see her and making an excuse. I think you feel reasonably annoyed at how she behaved on her last visit; making it all about her and what she wanted.

I'm gobsmacked by her and I think it's too generous to give her a free pass because she hasn't experienced the same.

I've been to see my widowed friend in London and even though I've never been widowed understood my role there was to support her in whatever form she wanted. It's not rocket science, it's basically decency.

Do you have friends in common or would falling out with her cause you more hassle? If yes (you really don't need more stress in your life) i would suggest making any vague excuse and ignoring her forever.

However if you feel up to it I would tell her ths truth. "Hi ex friend, I know you're coming to London and expecting to meet up but I don't want to. I've given this a lot of thought and the truth is your flippancy about my bereavement on your last visit was deeply hurtful and I no longer wish to be friends."

She was incredibly tactless and I would assume it was driven by selfishness. She wanted to go out and have fun and you weren't ready and she was more interested in her own feelings.
I wouldn't meet up with her again. Once someone shows you who they really are it's best to take notice. And it sounds like you don't really want to meet up with her anyway.

I think you're not at all unreasonable to not want to see her. People say insensitive things when they don't know what to say after a bereavement but it's really hard to understand how she could think you need to 'move on' 7 months after losing your partner so suddenly. It shows a lack of empathy and emotional intelligence. When my sister died, quite a few of my parents friends told me and my other sister that we had to 'be brave' and 'look after' our mum and dad - I was 12! I'm sure they thought they were being helpful but what a responsibility to put on a child 🙄

Tell her you've moved on and don't want to see her again

In all honesty I think she was being really tactless and probably a bit selfish! Yes it’s good to try to regroup, of course it is, BUT that’s something that will take time and will be a journey, like you say, no one wants to do, but you find yourself there. Whilst it’s been 3 years it must still be hard as your partner died suddenly, you don’t need to see people you just don’t feel understand. Good luck and I hope you’re able to find a way to get through this sad and difficult time x

Did she know at the time that you were upset? Or was she oblivious? How was it when you parted?

If friends don’t make you feel better after seeing them, then there’s no point in continuing to meet with them. That includes competitive friends, narcissistic friends, insensitive friends, freeloading friends and friends who just don’t make you feel good in general.

Grief has no timeline. I remember my cousin saying to me many years after his Mum died (he was 17 years old at the time), that ''it's something you never get over, it's something you learn to live with'. Losing your partner suddenly, and then having a friend 7 months later essentially telling you to 'get over it and move on' is utterly dreadful. Tactless, insensitive and lacking basic empathy. She wanted a good time in London, and wasn't interested in your feelings. This person isn't a friend, a real friend wouldn't have dreamt of making such a statement to you. She's only interested in you, when she wants you to show her the restaurants and bars in London, so she can have a good time. I'd tell her that you're sorry but you won't be available. You don't owe her an explanation. I'd then step back from the friendship.

Sorry for your loss.I was widowed 28years ago,it was sudden.I found out who my real friends were.Some of my so called “friends” back then I cut contact with completely.This woman sounds like a user,just say no.

It could have been well meaning but delivered/received poorly. People do need to move on after grief, of course it will always come back and hit us at times, but we shouldn't let it become our whole lives. Maybe some bereavement counselling could help you move on.

I wouldn't, not a chance. I've ditched close friends who wouldn't let me grieve and expected me to get back to 'normal' quite quickly. Fuck that shit.

I wouldn't even reply.

7 months is no time after losing a partner.

She didn’t want you to ‘move on’ so that you would or could feel happy one day again.

She wanted you to ‘move on’ solely for the person or being her sidekick and go to loud fun filled places and even perhaps so she can be on the pull.

She sounds like an utterly ghastly woman so I would have no qualms about dropping her.