Friend who told me to 'move on' after partner died... wants to meet up again.

[MirageMuse]

Hi. My partner died just under 3 years ago. It was a sudden death and a complete shock. I've lost people in my life before (grandparents etc...) but this was different for a number of reasons. I was in a very bad place (unsurprisingly) and whilst some time has passed, I'm still grieving for him. I am aware obviously that life moves forward, but grief has no timeline.

Seven months after my partner died - a friend of mine was newly in London (where I live) for work (having relocated). We met up often. We went to dinner one night - and I guess overall we were just at very different places in our lives. I think she wanted to have 'fun' in London and me to take her to all these fun restaurants/bars - since London is my home turf.

In short, whilst very sad and talking about my partner, she said: 'I know you're sad... but you have to move on.' Whilst I agree in part - because life DOES go on, it was more that seven months is no time at all after losing a partner.

I was (internally) incensed - and even am now (albeit to a lesser degree). The reason I am a little less angry now is because I think those that haven't experienced profound loss - just don't 'get it'. During the early days of grief, I read a lot of books/literature. A quote always stood out. It said: 'Grief is the club nobody asked to join, where membership is automatic after losing someone you love.'

Anyway, she was here for a work placement, but then left. She's now back and wants to meet up again.

AIBU to just not want to see her again? I never looked at her the same way again after her 'party placement' in London and that dinner in particular. It was a lot of work having her around having to be the 'director' every time we went out.

Another quote I read at the time was: 'Grief changes your address book'. I know that might sound weird, but it really did for me. My entire social network changed and due to vultures/his will being contested etc... I saw a lot of people very differently.

I don't wish to sound bitter - and I'm aware that grief is an awful and lonely journey, so I don't want to 'lose' any friends - but the wonderful network of friends I do have, have been great to me, so I don't need 'superficial' friendships. nor to play 'London host' again which I believe is what she expects.

I have an ex-friend who used to say this to me after anything significant happened to me. It is hugely dismissive and is usually said because the person in question doesn’t want to hear you talk about your loss. I agree people who haven’t lost anyone have no idea what it feels like but there is no need to be so insensitive. 7 months is very early in the grieving process.

You're so right that grief changes your address book, and your family - chosen and blood.

Has she been in touch during the time she wasn't in London? I'd be very clear that you aren't free to meet up but hope she enjoys her time while she's in London. End of conversation.

So sorry for your loss OP. I have also lost people I loved, but I'm expecting that if my DH goes before me, the grief will be completely off the scale. It must be terrible.
Your friend doesn't have a clue, but she hasn't intended to hurt you and likely wanted to help you by injecting some pizzazz, getting you back on your feet, providing some distraction, blah blah. If she was a good friend once perhaps you can forgive her you might be glad of it one day.

Having said that, I still haven't forgiven the friend who, the week after I lost my most beloved mother in my twenties, said 'Don't worry, you'll get over it'. !!

I don't think it's worth bothering with someone like this tbh.

not unreasonable, 7 months is no time at all. My best friend died unexpectedly a couple of years ago and it took at least 9 months before I felt like myself again, of course you weren’t up to partying after 7 months. I think it will be difficult to get back to having a meaningful friendship with this person again.

So sorry.

I think it's best to move on from her. She was colossally insensitive and selfish. I wouldn't open up a debate, I'd just say I wasn't able to see her atm. Work / whatever bullshit excuse. You'll regret letting her back into your life one way or another.

Wtf. That is outrageous.

Just because you haven’t experienced grief doesn’t mean you don’t have an idea about how other people who do feel?!!!

she’s not a friend she is a nasty user who just wants entertainment and someone to keep her company when in londom!

Sorry for your loss

Say you’re busy with a work project/anything and don’t have any spare time. She’s obviously not that close a friend.

and I’m also sorry vultures contested the will. Money brings out the worst in people 😔

I’m sorry for your loss OP.

I wish I was shocked at what your friend said, but honestly when I lost my dad (over 10 years ago now) I really did see the best in some people and the worst in others.

One friend (an ex who was supposedly still my friend) told me he couldn’t come to the funeral because grief “wasn’t his thing”. A couple of years after that he did actually call me to apologise - he’d lost his mum, and after joining the grief club he realised what a complete dick he’d been when I was going through it.

None of my best friends came to his funeral, and when I asked one of them why, she said it was because they didn’t really know my dad, and that if it had been my mum, of course they’d have been there because they knew her better. I explained to her that actually I’d hoped at least one of them might have been able to come to support me, and the sudden moment of realisation on her face was actually really sad to see. Luckily the group learned, and everyone attended the only parent funeral that has occurred since.

I also had someone send me a really abusive message when I put up a FB post about a run I was going to raise money for a charity that had supported my dad. She wasn’t tagged in it or anything, she could have ignored/unfollowed/unfriended etc, but she chose to send me some really awful ramblings about how vile it was that I was exploiting my dad’s death for likes. I try to be kind in my thoughts that she must have been projecting some of her own issues onto that one.