This year has been fairly awful for me, I appreciate that in most ways I am incredibly lucky, I am healthy, I have a husband who is wonderful most of the time, 3 gorgeous children and generally a very happy life. However this year my sister was diagnosed with terminal cancer. She isn’t old, only just turned 40, first diagnosed with cancer 2 years ago and was then in remission only to find out it has spread and is incurable.
She has 2 children, twins who are 4. She tried so hard for her babies, miscarriages, multiple rounds of failed IVF before finally getting her rainbow babies. I know it’s what everyone says, and no one deserves to be ill, but I genuinely just can’t help but feel it’s so cruel for it to be her. She is receiving chemotherapy and will then have radiation therapy but it’s been made very clear that this is just buying her more time and it’s very possible she may not see next Christmas. She is devastated, she like most mothers absolutely adores her children, she is an incredible mum and she cannot wrap her head around the reality that she isn’t going to see them grow up after trying so hard to have them. Also for my poor BIL who is beyond devastated and now facing the reality that he will have to raise his children alone, without the person he loves and adores.
We don’t live locally so I haven’t been able to visit or see her much but over the weekend we decided to take a late train on Friday and come back on Sunday. She is currently in hospital as the chemo has made her very unwell, unable to eat or drink and keep it down. She has spent much of the last 2 years in hospital, and much the rest of the time weak at home. She wasn’t able to take her children to their first day of school, attend parents evening, likely won’t make it to their first nativity.
I absolutely broke when we arrived at the hospital for visiting time, my children who are 4, 6 snd 9 were understandably nervous and anxious. I think really this is how children should be at a hospital, it’s a big place that they shouldn’t be familiar with, where lots of adults are emotional, anxious or unwell. I noticed my niece and nephew however weren’t anxious, and why would they be, for the last 2 years of their life visiting their mummy in hospital has been as normal as going to the soft play or visiting nanny and grandad. My lovely little niece announced quite proudly when we arrived to the hospital “everyone follow me I know the way to mummy’s room”. I had to step aside and cry.
I know they aren’t the only children in this situation and many children are all too familiar with hospitals either due to their own health or their family members and my heart breaks for every single one of them, carrying realities that are just far too heavy for their little shoulders. Even just the nurses on the ward knowing my niece and nephew by name broke me.
Then just seeing my sister, weak, hardly able to speak, desperately trying to tell my children how big they’ve gotten.
When we got home last night DH wanted to put the Christmas tree up, he wanted to cheer up our children who were obviously feeling quite out of sorts, and I agreed. I tried to join in, be part of the magic but the whole time all I could think is gosh my sister isn’t going to get this with her children. I just don’t feel Christmassy, life is feeling very cruel and I just don’t know how to turn off my sadness, I want to be happy for my children and enjoy every moment of the life I’m so lucky to have but I don’t know how to.
All day DH has been telling me I need to cheer up, my sister would hate to know I’m not enjoying my family, but I can’t, I don’t know how to.
AIBU to wish he would just be a bit more compassionate, of course I’m going to do all the things to make Christmas magical for my children this year but it will all be tinged with sadness and while I will try to protect them from that, I can’t just shoo it away when every fun activity I get to do with my children is just a reminder of every activity my sister is missing with hers.