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AIBU?

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Original poster

Ex no longer wants to pay maintenance

67 replies

moryn · 01/12/2025 14:59

He has DS7 Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday nights one week, and Friday, Saturday, Sunday the next. This is a relatively new arrangement.

He has just sent me a message saying that since he has him basically half of the time now, we should both send each other receipts for things like clubs etc. and split it all.

I am unsure.

OP posts:
metalbottle · 01/12/2025 15:00

Well he's having 3 nights out of 7, so he's right that maintenance won't be much as only one night less than you.

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/12/2025 15:02

It's not 50:50 so he will still need to pay a bit. Is the 'club' stuff instead of paying maintenance in his eyes?

PenelopeSkye · 01/12/2025 15:03

That seems fair- he’s still saying he’ll split whatever you pay on your days

PenelopeSkye · 01/12/2025 15:05

Say you pay £100 in your 4 days (random number), and he only pays £20, because you happens to cover a club and whatever else, then provided that’s split evenly, I don’t think the number of days matter so they? So he would just owe you £40 that particular week.

TomatoSandwiches · 01/12/2025 15:05

What if he disagrees with things you buy like uniform or shoes?

Namechanged47 · 01/12/2025 15:16

Well, he has 3 nights a week and you have 4, so there's likely still a small amount of maintenance to be paid by him.

I would be a bit careful with the clubs etc depending on what kind of person he is. I would only agree to half of pre-agreed costs, and do it in email or text so there's a record of it. You don't want him putting DC in expensive clubs (or, eg wraparound care) on all "his" nights, and you needing to pick up the tab for half of it. If he's a reasonable person, you might not need to have those concerns.

And you should both be providing what your DC need for the days they're with you.

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/12/2025 15:17

TomatoSandwiches · 01/12/2025 15:05

What if he disagrees with things you buy like uniform or shoes?

I suspect he intends for her to buy everything and he gets to pay for the goods, not the labour. He will, in fact, add to the labour by expecting admin attached. Which means she'll probably not bother sometimes. Losing more money.

OP, just CMS it.

Mauro711 · 01/12/2025 15:44

Check how much he would be paying with the current setup and compare that to how much is spent on clubs etc per year.

BreezyPeachSquid · 01/12/2025 15:45

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

KarmenPQZ · 01/12/2025 15:47

How in the past have you decided who pays for clubs on say a Thursday or Saturday when you each have DC alternate weeks?

Mauro711 · 01/12/2025 15:47

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Yea, that's a good point. My controlling ex tried to suggest that too, that I would send him receipts whenever I had to buy anything. I was absolutely not going to be doing that.

NewCushions · 01/12/2025 15:55

The question is whether he currently pays towards all those things or not? Does he even know what they cost? And will be genuinely meet them 50:50?

Of course, he's not actually having them 50:50 so that's also a point that he can't just ignore. 3/7 is not 50:50. he's doign 156 days a year and you're doing 208!

Praying4Peace · 01/12/2025 15:59

Seems fair to me
Sad that there are receipts etc involved

Original poster
moryn · 02/12/2025 09:02

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/12/2025 15:02

It's not 50:50 so he will still need to pay a bit. Is the 'club' stuff instead of paying maintenance in his eyes?

Edited

Yes, I think so.

OP posts:
Original poster
moryn · 02/12/2025 09:03

KarmenPQZ · 01/12/2025 15:47

How in the past have you decided who pays for clubs on say a Thursday or Saturday when you each have DC alternate weeks?

I have always paid for them all, except about 18 months ago he started a club that ex pays for.

OP posts:
PumpkinTwistyWindToots · 02/12/2025 09:05

Does he earn a lot more than you? Does him having DS more mean you can work and earn more?
I would do a CMS calculation and see what he'd be expected to pay on a 4/3 split and just calmly let him know. He is correct though that if you're sharing care more or less 50/50 that other costs should also be shared :) if he's not paying maintenance for you to manage all the life expenses of DS, he has to share them with you 50/50 (or 45/55 if he pays a little maintenance on top)
He may end up worse off...

caringcarer · 02/12/2025 09:08

Work out 1/7 of maintenance and he pays you that amount. Surely he should be paying for half of clubs and activities anyway.

SweetnsourNZ · 02/12/2025 09:12

Does he pay for anything else for her though such as clothes, school uniforms, medical, haircuts? There is more to a child's life than clubs. How generous is he to your child's needs? You still have her more and that time adds up. Are you going to pay in the first instance and then have to wait for him to reimburse you. Sounds messy to me.

Vodka1 · 02/12/2025 09:47

caringcarer · 02/12/2025 09:08

Work out 1/7 of maintenance and he pays you that amount. Surely he should be paying for half of clubs and activities anyway.

My ex would laugh in my face if I asked him to pay half of anything extra we did, or bought.

Personally for me, I'd much prefer he saw his kids more and paid less. But that will never happen.

How do you feel about it? And how much does he currently pay I think that would play a big part in our opinions. If your going to be worse off or break even and such.

Plus it's important to remember pay increases, club changes, things get more expensive as they get older and so on. If you change how it is now then it'll likely remain that way for many years to come.

How do you actually feel about it?

Vodka1 · 02/12/2025 09:48

Whoops, I was working on a reply to the PP and went off on a reply to the OP, my bad!

I was going to ask, if it's normal for the other parent to pay half of extras.

MarvellousMonsters · 02/12/2025 09:49

This is why we have the CMS.

CinnamonBuns67 · 02/12/2025 10:01

Well he's having 3 nights out of 7 and you are having 4 so it's not quite 50/50, I'd personally do a calculation based on him having child 3 nights a week and say "As you may be aware it's not quite 50/50 with you having 3 nights and me having 4 so the CMS calculator says X amount for child maintenance. However I'd be willing to just do 50/50 for clubs and school trips and school equipment with us providing our own clothes and sets of school uniform if you are willing to do an extra night every other week so one week you do 3 nights and I do 4 and then the next you do 4 nights and I do 3 so it is 50/50. What do you think?"

womanwithissues · 02/12/2025 10:42

Will he also have him half of the holidays? That adds up to a considerable amount of time. His maintenance can be reduced but it's not 50:50. And this is money for your child, not you.

Original poster
moryn · 02/12/2025 11:05

Update: he doesn’t want to pay and wants to split it.

He said I should be more appreciative, as he doesn’t know any other single dads that does as much as him. He says that people are shocked when they hear how much he has DS.

Btw, this has only been since the summer holidays. Prior to that he had him one night a week.

OP posts:
Agix · 02/12/2025 11:06

Even if it's 50:50 someone still needs to pay if their income is much higher than the other. There's an online calculator for this, I don't understand why people still get it so wrong.