Ex no longer wants to pay maintenance

[moryn]

He has DS7 Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday nights one week, and Friday, Saturday, Sunday the next. This is a relatively new arrangement.

He has just sent me a message saying that since he has him basically half of the time now, we should both send each other receipts for things like clubs etc. and split it all.

I am unsure.

I’ve used the calculator, he doesn’t want to pay it.

Then go through cms

I think his idea sounds quite fair to be honest. He is almost having him 50:50 though not quite. He also isn’t saying he won’t pay towards him at all, just that he wants to split things like school trips, clubs and uniform down the middle.

Go via CMS.
I'm so sorry he is scum.

He has him 156 days and I have him 208 (actually, more). And I do literally all of the admin, parents evenings etc.

Which works out better for you (and your son). Getting the monthly maintenance and pissing him off so much that he doesn't pay towards clubs etc. Or him paying half of clubs, school trips., uniform etc? There would have to be rules about the joint payments e.g. one of you has to check with the other when joining a new club, when buying something over a certain threshold, or when buying something he wants but doesn't need (eg premium brand)

Agree he sounds like an arse for thinking he is some kind of super dad for having his son almost half the time

Tell him not to worry about it, you’ll go through cms so it’s fair

Doesn't matter what he wants. He doesn't have him 50/50 so he has to pay. go via cms If you have too

He is a prince amongst men isn't he? An almost 50% parent to his own children. Be still my beating heart!

I'd do whatever you think best financially supports the kids. If you insist on the maintenance you are due will he stop paying anything for the kids clubs and you'll be worse off?

Ooh, you're supposed to be grateful thta he's even a vaguelly competent father?

The reality is that yuo have to decide if it's worth fighting over. I think he' sbeing a complete twat and you should go through CMS. But I think also that if it's easier fo ryou not to, then that's fine.

But the point is tha the's NOT doing 50:50.

And do you really think he'll fork out for uniform and all the rest? If he's halfway reliable you could try suggesting an amount based on an estimate of these costs, plus a bit extra for the difference considering he's NOT doing 50:50.

Tough titties. It’s enforceable by law.

“some dads do much less” is bullshit. Some dads murder their own children. Other people are not the standard. He should want to do right by his son.

Maintenance isn’t for clubs, it’s for everything. Room and board, clothing, general happiness of the child. Books and entertainment. Literally all of it. Everything that goes into keeping the child happy and healthy. You are doing the majority wand his income is greater, therefore he makes up the difference.

Tell him what he wants doesn’t matter. What is fair is fair and if he wants to kick up a fuss then CMS can do the hard work for you.

He has said that I’m such a cunt and a nightmare, it’s tempting to walk out and move away, but he couldn’t do that to DS.

I have to chase him for the maintenance every month as it is.

I just don’t see how splitting things would work.

You dn't need to do what he wants if you don't want to. So, you have laid out why this won't work for you - it's not enough, he's unreliable, he likes to call you names so the chances are he'll fight about every decision. So just go to CMS and accept he'll bitch and complain. I don't see that changing anyway.

The reality is he problb only wants 3/7 to avoid maintenance anyway.

Stick with the CMS, so much easier. I also wouldn’t go halves on clubs because, as other posters have said, he may choose clubs you can’t afford. Pick things on your days that are within your budget and pay for them in full.

WRT to uniform, that’s probably more difficult. You could maybe agree that he pays for inside clothes including shoes and you do PE kit, including trainers. Or, you could have a separate fund that you both pay into once a year/term and all uniform costs come out of there.

Go through cms. If your already chasing him every month for maintenance you do not want to start having to chase him multiple times a week over every recep, or arguing I'd DS 'really' needed a new jumper etc. Ideally he should already by paying for clubs that fall on his days, or half if it is a day that alternates.

Oh now you've said more about him, there is NO way he will fairly split everything. And it will mean much more contact with him where he can argue the toss. I would use the CMS who send him letters outlining exactly what he needs to pay. Yes it will annoy him but it does seem that anything will annoy him unless you bow down to his perfect dad crap.

a) how much does the calculator say?
b) is that more or less than half of the extras you spend on him? (Stuff like clubs and uniform, not general clothes and housing which ex’ll have to pay for too)

Without knowing the answers to those, how can we judge?

You need to let CMS handle it. They can tell him what’s fair and make sure he pays it. You shouldn’t have to keep communicating with a brick wall who insists you are the one being difficult.

It doesn’t matter what he wants. What matters is what’s right for your child. Him being provided for is what’s right. CMS all the way. I avoided it for years and contacting them was the best thing I’ve ever done. Stop letting this man control your life.

So work out how much all the clubs and uniforms cost, and if it is about the same as the maintenance calculator suggests then tell him that instead of maintenance for the additional 50 days you have your child, he just pays for clubs and uniform.

That way there is no chasing and he then takes over some responsibility.

You chose to have a child together so still need to communicate. If he doesn't want to pay you maintenance then just allocate him some of the payments. Way easier.

Does he have child for 50% of school holidays?

Why not trial it for a few months, to see if he is actually paying for 50% of everything or tries to discuss every item, and also if he pays promptly after you send a monthly summary?

Do it in good faith (ie don’t include household items or optional items you decide to buy for your DS like treats, toys etc) and see if he does it in good faith as well.

If that doesn’t work go for CMS but if it does it seems fair as realistically 3 vs 4 nights a week doesn’t really affect the cost of having a child home.

What about his clothes, shoes, books , school lunches, school trips , activities etc ? Does he contribute equally towards all of those things too? I think you need to sit down and work out expenditure before it's possible to agree to any changes

“Shocked”? As in “how often do you see your child? As much as that, really, how terrible”?

Agree with those saying minimise contact, so CMS. Mr Hard-Done-By is not going to start saying sure, I’ll pick up the uniform, or here’s some money if you can do it. He’s going to moan about everything forever