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AIBU?

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Original poster

Ex no longer wants to pay maintenance

67 replies

moryn · 01/12/2025 14:59

He has DS7 Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday nights one week, and Friday, Saturday, Sunday the next. This is a relatively new arrangement.

He has just sent me a message saying that since he has him basically half of the time now, we should both send each other receipts for things like clubs etc. and split it all.

I am unsure.

OP posts:
TaupeRaven · 02/12/2025 13:57

moryn · 02/12/2025 12:25

He has said that I’m such a cunt and a nightmare, it’s tempting to walk out and move away, but he couldn’t do that to DS.

If this fuckery doesn't confirm that CMS is the right route here, nothing will.

He sounds like an absolute arsehole. Clearly in his mind he can save some cash by bothering to parent, and gain some kudos from is pals for going above and beyond 🙄

This guy is only out for himself; protect yourself, your child, and your finances by going through formal channels OP

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/12/2025 14:25

CMS. The receipts are just a way of controlling and belittling you. More, because he’s a twat.

Definitelynotme2022 · 02/12/2025 14:28

I'm in the same situation, and it's a new situation. So far I'm paying the bulk of his costs.

On the evenings that he has ds, obviously he feeds him but all the clothes are washed by me with the exception of his school uniform every other weekend. I also buy 90% of his clothes and have paid for 100% of his lunch money.

We're in court in January, I'm saving it up for then.

So no advice.... just sympathy.

Bess91 · 02/12/2025 15:11

moryn · 02/12/2025 12:28

I have to chase him for the maintenance every month as it is.

I just don’t see how splitting things would work.

Show quote history

You've answered your own question, just go through CMS.

And tell him you're SO impressed by how much he does, what a big man seeing his children 🙄 He must have some deadbeat friends!

pottylolly · 02/12/2025 15:19

block him, stop facilitating all contact, and tell him you’ll see him in court.

LaurieFairyCake · 02/12/2025 15:29

He called you a cunt?

just email him and say ‘you’re quite right, I will contact CMS and they can decide how to divide it’

make sure he picks up and drops off at school so you don’t have to see him - then block

MarvellousMonsters · 02/12/2025 18:55

moryn · 02/12/2025 11:05

Update: he doesn’t want to pay and wants to split it.

He said I should be more appreciative, as he doesn’t know any other single dads that does as much as him. He says that people are shocked when they hear how much he has DS.

Btw, this has only been since the summer holidays. Prior to that he had him one night a week.

You should be appreciative of him parenting his own child?

No. That’s the bare minimum. If he earns more than you he should still be maintenance especially as 3/7 is not 50:50.

Do a claim via CMS. Don’t discuss this anymore.

Soduku1234 · 02/12/2025 19:00

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/12/2025 15:17

I suspect he intends for her to buy everything and he gets to pay for the goods, not the labour. He will, in fact, add to the labour by expecting admin attached. Which means she'll probably not bother sometimes. Losing more money.

OP, just CMS it.

Show quote history

Why do you suspect that? They're clearly not an absent father if they do 3 nights a week.

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/12/2025 19:08

Soduku1234 · 02/12/2025 19:00

Why do you suspect that? They're clearly not an absent father if they do 3 nights a week.

Show quote history

He's calling the mother of his child a cunt. Sooooo

Original poster
moryn · 02/12/2025 19:55

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 02/12/2025 13:22

Does he have child for 50% of school holidays?

No he doesn’t.

OP posts:
Original poster
moryn · 02/12/2025 19:55

Ambridgefan · 02/12/2025 13:28

What about his clothes, shoes, books , school lunches, school trips , activities etc ? Does he contribute equally towards all of those things too? I think you need to sit down and work out expenditure before it's possible to agree to any changes

I pay for it all. He does but clothes that DS wears when he’s there

OP posts:
Original poster
moryn · 02/12/2025 19:56

Renamed · 02/12/2025 13:51

“Shocked”? As in “how often do you see your child? As much as that, really, how terrible”?

Agree with those saying minimise contact, so CMS. Mr Hard-Done-By is not going to start saying sure, I’ll pick up the uniform, or here’s some money if you can do it. He’s going to moan about everything forever

Shocked, as in they can’t believe what a great dad he is.

OP posts:
Original poster
moryn · 02/12/2025 19:57

Definitelynotme2022 · 02/12/2025 14:28

I'm in the same situation, and it's a new situation. So far I'm paying the bulk of his costs.

On the evenings that he has ds, obviously he feeds him but all the clothes are washed by me with the exception of his school uniform every other weekend. I also buy 90% of his clothes and have paid for 100% of his lunch money.

We're in court in January, I'm saving it up for then.

So no advice.... just sympathy.

Are you in court just about the money, or regarding custody etc.?

OP posts:
ForMyNextTrickIWillMakeThisVodkaDisappear · 02/12/2025 20:01

moryn · 02/12/2025 11:05

Update: he doesn’t want to pay and wants to split it.

He said I should be more appreciative, as he doesn’t know any other single dads that does as much as him. He says that people are shocked when they hear how much he has DS.

Btw, this has only been since the summer holidays. Prior to that he had him one night a week.

Appreciative= grateful. You should be grateful he’s such a wonderful father as of a few short months ago. It would piss me off no end. I don’t think I’ve ever met a father who is expected to be grateful that the mother of their children “steps up”.

As for child support vs splitting costs down the middle, it depends how much you trust him. I personally wouldn’t and the cynic in me wonders if he’s only having your child overnight more to avoid child support and that is the sole reason.

Farmwifefarmlife · 02/12/2025 20:06

moryn · 02/12/2025 19:55

No he doesn’t.

Show quote history

Then he will have to pay 50% of school club or childcare in the holidays too then. Why not trial the new arrangement for this month and if it doesn’t work go to CMS in Jan. I don’t think it’s overly complicated just send a screenshot at the end of the month for everything. Scale back doing stuff just say DS has an appointment xyz or needs a dentist appointment this week. If he wants 50:50 then implement it properly.

MissJoGrant · 02/12/2025 20:14

pottylolly · 02/12/2025 15:19

block him, stop facilitating all contact, and tell him you’ll see him in court.

Absolutely do not do this, especially based on the advice of a random poster with no actual stake in the situation.

BulbsAndLampsDiffer · 02/12/2025 21:26

We have a 30:70 split, and have what seems to be a different set up to most.
Instead of maintenance we both pay an amount into an account for the child’s needs. This seems to work and covers things like
uniform
wrap around care
clubs
pocket money
savings
school trips
savings

however we pay for clothing, toys and activities that we chose in our time using our own money.

As the primary parent this means that I am not responsible for any short fall and it falls on both of that expenses for child are covered

what works for one doesn’t work for all. And don’t be afraid to break from the normal.

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