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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think school lunch time assistant is picking on my child.

55 replies

Magentaredwand · 01/12/2025 06:24

On two occasions over the last couple of weeks DD has mentioned a lunchtime assistant at school.

1st incident: DD said there was a bit of a misunderstanding with two other children which resulted in this LTA telling one of the children not to play with DD because she's not a nice girl. DD is sensitive and being called 'not a nice girl' upset her. Afterwards one of the children she has been playing with was chanting "you're a naughty girl" to DD. DD told same LTA. DD says LTA mocked her and called her a liar.

2nd incident: DD and one of the same girls were playing. LTA came up to the other girl and asked if she'd smacked another child in the face. Girl blamed DD. DD repeatedly told LTA she didn't. LTA said why would the other girl lie. DD said to LTA 'Why would I lie.' LTA said she was going to tell DD's teacher she'd smacked this boy. DD was upset about this.

DD has just turned eight. I know children fabricate the truth and I know DD isn't perfect but she's adamant this is how it went. I know my child, she is not physically aggressive.

There is history with this other child and DD. The other child is known to be a bit of a trouble maker. She's mischievous. She's pushed DD physically a few times, hidden her shoes etc. From what I understand home life has been turbulent for this girl and it undoubtedly has an impact on her outward behaviour.

If this LTA has said these things to DD, I don't think she has conducted herself very well as the adult in these situations. I feel like going to school at lunchtime to have a face to face with her, although I think this is probably unreasonable and it's just my lioness protecting her cub instinct kicking in. Plus, school more than likely wouldn't allow me access to this LTA. (When I say face to face, I mean I'd like to get her perspective, but I want to see for myself how she responds).

I keep thinking the adult (the LTA) wouldn't behave like this - but what if I dismiss it, and it turns out to be true. Not all adults are well-rounded and can show bias.

I guess the only option I have is to email the school.

This stuff is trivial, but it isn't for DD and I want her to know I have her back.

WWYD in this situation?

AIBU to get involved?

OP posts:

Itslikesowhatever · 01/12/2025 06:28

Some teachers do pick on kids! My technology teacher was awful to me at high school just because I hated technology and wasn’t good at it in the end I got that scared about going to his lessons I’d bunk off and my mum found out went in and I got removed from his class thankfully! So it does happen.

CoffeeBeansGalore · 01/12/2025 06:35

Email the school. It's the start of a paper trail if it continues.

Original poster

Magentaredwand · 01/12/2025 06:41

Itslikesowhatever · 01/12/2025 06:28

Edited

This is it @Itslikesowhatever adults can be just as awful as kids at times. I've had similar issues to you with teachers when I was at school.

Thank you responding.

OP posts:

Original poster

Magentaredwand · 01/12/2025 06:42

Paper trail is a good point.

OP posts:

firstofallimadelight · 01/12/2025 06:46

Yes I would email the head of year or another member of senior leadership team. Explain what your dd said and ask them to investigate. In the meantime suggest to your dd to stay away from this supervisor.

DramaQueenlady · 01/12/2025 06:48

Dont email the school. Go in and see the head. If this is true an adult bullying a child is absolutely 100% not on. Good luck.

YellowCherry · 01/12/2025 06:48

Yes, I would contact the school. I would focus on the most recent incident and say that DD has been accused of hitting another child and that you would like to meet the teacher to discuss the incident.

TootsMaHoots · 01/12/2025 06:49

Send a really factual email. Obviously you can’t go to the school at lunchtime and see for yourself how she reacts. That’s madness! It’s not ‘more than likely’ the school wouldn’t let you speak to her, it’s absolutely definite.

It’s the first incident that’s the issue really.

Anyway, send a very factual email. Don’t say the other child is mischievous or that they have a ‘history’ or she has a turbulent home life. Just say what happened and that the LTA said your dd was a naughty girl and that she mocked her and called her a liar. And about how she told the other child not go play with your dd as she’s not a nice girl.

Nobody who works in a school should say anything like that and it’s not a small incident. It’s something that you it should go to the school about, in the right way.

TootsMaHoots · 01/12/2025 06:50

DramaQueenlady · 01/12/2025 06:48

Dont email the school. Go in and see the head. If this is true an adult bullying a child is absolutely 100% not on. Good luck.

I think it’s better to send an email because it’s easier to say what needs to be said and also to not say what should not be said.

euff · 01/12/2025 06:52

Itslikesowhatever · 01/12/2025 06:28

Edited

Yep but on these threads there’s usually a pile on saying the child must be a horror and it’s can’t possibly be the adult. I’m glad to see this as the first post. I had a teacher single me out, he was called out by other kids eventually. I would start keeping a trail and possibly start raising the incidents with the class teacher. Is the lunchtime assistant known to the other child’s family?

Ruby1985 · 01/12/2025 06:52

Hello, yes I agree email the school. Even if they deny it, the fact she will be called up on her behavior is usually enough to make her stop

Frogs88 · 01/12/2025 06:53

I remember some of the TAs in school being absolutely awful so it wouldn’t surprise me if your DD’s version is accurate. I’d email the school so then at least if another incident happens they’ll be proof of previous ones. And the TA might be less likely to interact with your DD.

WombatStewForTea · 01/12/2025 07:00

I'm a teacher and wouldn't be at all surprised if this has happened.
Lunchtime supervisor/dinner lady jobs are tough - they don't have the relationship with the kids or often proper training to deal with in incidents. I've known multiple occasions where someone has taken a particular side without investigating and assumed a certain well behaved child couldn't possibly have done something.

But think properly OP of course school aren't going to let you speak to her. Use the proper channels

Han86 · 01/12/2025 07:39

Speak to the class teacher. If there are known issues between your DD and this other girl maybe ask for them to be completely separated and zoned (we do this as a last resort where there is ongoing conflict, the only issue is other friends then get stuck between which one to choose).

As a TA that does lunchtimes it is the same children everyday I find telling on each other. As it is impossible to sometimes find out what really happened (as kids don't always see TAs and certainly lunchtime assistants as authority) I always just report back to the teacher and ask them to investigate, giving the gist of 'X says Y hit her, but Y denied it. I have spoken to both children but neither one has changed their minds on what happened. I have explained that it is ok to make mistakes and very important to tell the truth, but unfortunately the girls still report different versions of the event.'
If the LTA used words like this is it possible your DD is interpreting being called a liar, when actually the LTA is trying to get to the bottom of who is telling the truth because if there are two different stories then they are likely to not be bothered fully true.

Also I would be cautious of what wording the staff are using. If a child says X is being mean, then I will say to them choose someone else and if they are being unkind why would you want to play with them. Usually the 'mean' behaviour is that they are playing a game and the other child wants to join the game but change it to something else. It is tricky when they are young navigating friendships and understanding not everyone wants to play their game, that it is not fair to always be Rumi (or whatever character) that boys can be a girl character if they want but we shouldn't make them the girl character if it's all boys playing. I will usually have a word with the child about being kind and whether their behaviour is 'mean'.

I would also be aware that your DD may not be 100% innocent though. There is one in my class at the moment where mum keeps saying is really quiet and is being dominated by another girl. The reality is the quiet girl despite having been buddied up with other girls constantly seeks out the dominating girl (this has also been witnessed by the class teacher) and has also been caught doing things she shouldn't be (simple things like going to the toilet without asking, wandering off the playground, not lining up and continuing to play despite break time being over) (despite being ever so quiet and not the type of girl to do these things!).

mumofoneAloneandwell · 01/12/2025 09:46

Teachers arent sweetness and light 'heroes'

Some of them do pick on kids

officiallybringing · 01/12/2025 09:50

Wish my parents stood up for me when staff at school had picked on me. Email the head teacher and say you have concerns from the information your daughter has provided and you would appreciate the situation being investigated.

Keroppi · 01/12/2025 09:58

Yes, just email the school/class teacher and explain your DD has had a few incidents at breaktime with X Y and Z, under supervision of LTA X and you'd like to meet to discuss your concerns, as you don't want the relationship between DD and other classmates to deteriorate. Then when you're in person you can explain and leave it open to see what they say.

In thr meantime you need to have good chats with DD about how friends act and how that girl isn't being a good friend, she's telling tales etc and encourage other friendships

Whereismyfleeceblanket · 01/12/2025 10:01

My dd had similar. Her little db started nursery and she used to hug him in the dinner hall. They both got told off! Ffs he was 3! Made regular errors with their vegetarian option meal.

They still talk about how awful she was and dd's are adults now.

Applesinapie · 01/12/2025 10:02

I would email. As others have said, keep it factual. Say DD has reported that… DD feels that… the impact it is having on DD is…
that way it can’t be disputed. If you email and mention the other girl, or state that the lunchtime assistant definitely said this or that, they might get defensive and deny it. If you talk about how your daughter feels and what she has taken from these incidents then no one can deny what you’re saying as they can’t argue with how your dd feels.

Original poster

Magentaredwand · 01/12/2025 10:56

WombatStewForTea · 01/12/2025 07:00

But think properly OP of course school aren't going to let you speak to her. Use the proper channels

I have raised it with the head teacher via email.

Of course I want to go to the school and rip her head off, but I will control myself!

OP posts:

Octavia64 · 01/12/2025 11:00

You will not be allowed face to face access to the lunchtime supervisor.

do be slightly careful as many children interpret and adult not believing their side of the story straight away as being called a liar.

telling children who are not getting on and where it is one child’s word against another to stay away from each other is pretty standard.

ChocolatesAndRainbows · 01/12/2025 11:36

She sounds like a very unkind lady. even if your daughters behaviour was not good etc it’s still a horrible unprofessional way to talk to and about a child,

Original poster

Magentaredwand · 01/12/2025 12:31

@Han86 thank you for sharing your experiences.

Some of your points are why I remained neutral and tried to stay objective when she told me about the first incident. I know children create their own narrative.

DD may very well have been an instigator, or a part of the problem. I let kids politics slide because one minute they hate eachother, the next they are best friends. But when an adult is intervening and seemingly allowing their own bias to make judgements about a situation, I will advocate for my DD.

With the second incident the LTA came to DD's classmate to ask her if she'd hit a boy in the face. With this in mind, I assume the boy said DD's classmate hit him because otherwise the LTA wouldn't have asked. Classmate said DD did it - which she denies. I asked DD if there was a scuffle. DD said there was and she got kicked on her hand by another boy.

I have emailed the school and asked for it to be looked into.

OP posts:

Original poster

Magentaredwand · 01/12/2025 12:37

@Applesinapie this is what I ended up doing. I've emailed, kept it factual and emphasised how DD felt. I haven't named the other child. I'm not particularly concerned by the kid's squabbles, it's how it was allegedly handled by the adult that bothers me.

OP posts:

Crystallllll · 01/12/2025 12:46

First of all kids don’t always tell the truth and the whole story.

Second tell your daughter to avoid this girl to stop the accusations.

I wouldn’t get involved at the moment, I’d wait and see if anything else happens.

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