For getting irritated about this?

[Cavapoo22]

I have been with my partner for 2 years, we don’t live together yet but they stay at my house 99% of the time because they prefer being here.

I’m not working at the moment due to several chronic health issues. They work full time.

Apart from this one issue, they are really great and hands on. They sort dinner for everyone (themselves, me, my child and my pet) most days, do 50% of the dog walks, 50% of the school runs, do 99% of the washing up).

The main issue that I’m having is the once a week deep cleanings. Once a week, the house gets a deep clean (everything wiped down, a proper hoover around, bathroom disinfecting). It is quite a big job due to the amount of rooms in the house and can easily take 3-4 hours at a time. My partner only really offers to help hoover around which surprisingly doesn’t take very long at all, it is the wiping down and disinfecting that takes the most amount of time and is the most work physically. They never offer to help with the wiping down and actual cleaning side of things.

I know people will come on here and say “oh, but you don’t work, so you can easily do it” but I suffer a lot with my health. My iron levels for example (due to a chronic health issue which causes heavy blood loss every month) are around 4 and I’m waiting to go in for an iron infusion within the next couple of weeks. Just that alone has meant my energy levels are pretty much non-existent without adding my other health issues into the mix (I also suffer from an incurable joint condition which affects my mobility).

Today, I woke up and looked around the house and how much work actually needed doing (in terms of cleaning) and was on the verge of tears because I just don’t know how I’m going to get it all done. This ended up with me getting quite irritated having to explain it to my partner and how I’m sick of doing the main cleaning (which is the biggest job) every week pretty much on my own when I’m not making the mess on my own every week. They can’t understand my frustration because they think they help out enough pretty much.

AIBU for getting irritated about this and should they be helping out more?

(I have kept it gender neutral because there tends to be double standards on here in regards to females and males!)

Are they even supposed to be there 99% of the time if you aren’t working?

You do a deep clean weekly? Is there a health reason for this? Because if there isn't I personally would find it OTT. And be deeply unwilling to put the hours in. A wipe and a hoover yes, but not anything that could be called 'a deep clean'.

There is no set rules on how often someone can stay here as long as they’re not paying towards bills - which they don’t - and they have their own residence which they pay council tax etc on. Anyway - not the point of the thread is it really?

By deep cleaning I mean wiping down surfaces, dusting surfaces, hoovering properly. Things that get missed during the week. I do have to disinfect touch points with a hospital grade cleaner because I do have issues with my immune system so if someone was to bring an illness into the house it makes me more unwell than a healthy person if that makes sense

Why are you deep cleaning all on one day? Clean bathrooms Monday, hoover Tuesday, clean kitchen Wednesday and so on. Means you’re not exerting all your energy in one day, and the house still gets its deep clean.

Because of everyone’s schedule, it just makes it easier to get it done in one day. Have tried doing it the other way around and it didn’t work out for our household

Your partner makes sure you and everyone else gets fed, walks the dog takes the kids to school…washes up…

yet you have the hump because they don’t pull their weight?

There is no set rules on how often someone can stay here as long as they’re not paying towards bills - which they don’t - and they have their own residence which they pay council tax etc on. Anyway - not the point of the thread is it really?

Unless it's changed in the last few months since I changed job it is not as simple as finances.

Splitting household chores and taking responsibility for children of the household are actually both part of the determination if a couple are "living together as husband and wife" for benefit purposes. It's a bigger picture that's considered - keeping finances separate and popping home once a week for post wouldn't make it separate households.

A lot of people get themselves in bother accidentally by not realising that not sharing finances isn't a a sole deciding factor, in the same way some people fall into the trap of thinking "no more than 3 nights a week" is a rule.

Could you get a cleaner? It sounds like your partner does quite a bit of the cooking, dog walking, school runs and washing up while working full time.

To be honest if my husband decided he wanted the house deep cleaned and disinfected from top to bottom once a week I'd tell him he can crack on but if he expects me to help he can whistle for it.

Unless you're housing a rhino or something I don't see why such rigorous cleaning is needed once a week.

How many people actually live in the house? Why do you need to "deep clean" weekly? Do you use all these multiple rooms? I am very fussy,(I have some chronic and some ongoing health issues which affect mobility) I had 4 DKs, always worked ft,so I clean as I go. I clean basin, toilet, bath and surfaces,as soon as I get out of the shower. Bed is made then,it's been aired. I don't let things mount up,a place for everything, everything in it's place. I'm old school, I cook from scratch,small open plan kitchen.That's how I have always managed. I also have 2 long haired dogs. I have no idea if they are any good, but a lot of Mumsneters have robot vacuum cleaners. It wouldn't work for me, because you have to do under the beds and sofas weekly, and they are low to the ground..

It sounds like they help out a lot, as well as working full time.

I know you said breaking it down into bite sized chunks didn’t work for your family, but neither does doing it in one go. I think it sounds like your partner does a lot, assuming the kids aren’t theirs then they’re definitely contributing to areas that aren’t really their responsibility. Sorry but I think you probably are being a bit unreasonable.

Poor bloke. He works, makes the meals, takes the dog out and hoovers the carpets.
Isn't that enough?
Send him round to mine i would love a fella like him!!

It is your household. Not our. Your child, your dog, your house.
Your partner doesn’t actually live with you. If he’s causing too much extra mess he needs to spend more time at his own place.

Do you expect them to do more housework or you'd just like them to do so?
What are you able to manage yourself? I think you might need to get a cleaner in, if that's possible. Maybe not every week, but twice a month. Who does the laundry?

You are actually getting a lot of help from your partner, but if they're not tidying up after themselves, keeping surfaces, doors, etc, clean, I can understand you being irritated.

Are they actually making the mess though? Or is it more the accumulated build up through the week from 2 adults, pets, and kids in the house?

You could ask your DP to spend more time at their house. Although you'd then lose out on them helping so much during the week too. Essentially as you're not living together officially it's not really their responsibility. Especially as it sounds like they pull their weight with pretty much everything.

If they're working full time on top then they probably don't want to spend their weekend disinfecting the house. I also think it's a red herring you're talking about touch points. They won't get any less covered in transferred bacteria the other 6 days of the week.

As another PP suggested either get a cleaner or just do the bits during the week yourself. Because it sounds to me it's more an issue that you like a deep clean to get back on top of the house (fair enough). But that's not really your DP's responsibility when they're already doing at least 50/50.

They’re your partner, not your carer. They’re already doing loads for you and your child and your pets and working full time and I really do not see why you’re expecting them to spend hours ‘deep cleaning’ for you every week as well.

I think of deep cleaning as pulling the fridge out to clean behind it (not that I do this). Wiping down surfaces, dusting and hoovering isn’t deep cleaning. It’s just normal housework

There's no need to deep clean weekly, that sounds ott. They're doing enough already by the sound of things , and you want more! You sound incredibly selfish and lazy. What actually do you do, other than deep clean weekly.

He has free housing free bills free food etc etc

What schedules? You don’t work your child is at school.
I know you have health issues but if you can do something then do one thing a day, it doesn’t make sense that you can’t do the dusting one day because of the household schedules - your household is you and your child.

So you're not working and they're working full time. They're already doing (at least) 50/50 of the day to day stuff and you expect them to spend the little bit of time off they get helping you deep clean?

Sorry OP, but YABU. Saying spreading it through the week doesn't work isn't reasonable because doing it in one go isn't working either.

You're at home all day, do a room a day and spend your partner's time off doing something nice with them and enjoying your relationship. They're not your carer and whilst I agree that partners should help, you're not helping yourself by trying to find a resolution other than them helping you.

And if my partner was at home all week and decided to do the big clean while I was off and then went in to a meltdown because it was all too much for them , I would be a bit pissed

DP doesn't live there so I'm assuming they have some financial commitments elsewhere

Im afraid you are being quite unreasonable. Your partner is doing pretty much all the housework and family care for a household they don't even live in. Throwing a strop because they're not also vacuuming the entire house and disinfecting the doorknobs is unreasonable. If you are so incapacitated that you're unable to do any cleaning yourself, maybe you could look at claiming PIP and spending some of it on a cleaner.