For getting irritated about this?

[Cavapoo22]

I have been with my partner for 2 years, we don’t live together yet but they stay at my house 99% of the time because they prefer being here.

I’m not working at the moment due to several chronic health issues. They work full time.

Apart from this one issue, they are really great and hands on. They sort dinner for everyone (themselves, me, my child and my pet) most days, do 50% of the dog walks, 50% of the school runs, do 99% of the washing up).

The main issue that I’m having is the once a week deep cleanings. Once a week, the house gets a deep clean (everything wiped down, a proper hoover around, bathroom disinfecting). It is quite a big job due to the amount of rooms in the house and can easily take 3-4 hours at a time. My partner only really offers to help hoover around which surprisingly doesn’t take very long at all, it is the wiping down and disinfecting that takes the most amount of time and is the most work physically. They never offer to help with the wiping down and actual cleaning side of things.

I know people will come on here and say “oh, but you don’t work, so you can easily do it” but I suffer a lot with my health. My iron levels for example (due to a chronic health issue which causes heavy blood loss every month) are around 4 and I’m waiting to go in for an iron infusion within the next couple of weeks. Just that alone has meant my energy levels are pretty much non-existent without adding my other health issues into the mix (I also suffer from an incurable joint condition which affects my mobility).

Today, I woke up and looked around the house and how much work actually needed doing (in terms of cleaning) and was on the verge of tears because I just don’t know how I’m going to get it all done. This ended up with me getting quite irritated having to explain it to my partner and how I’m sick of doing the main cleaning (which is the biggest job) every week pretty much on my own when I’m not making the mess on my own every week. They can’t understand my frustration because they think they help out enough pretty much.

AIBU for getting irritated about this and should they be helping out more?

(I have kept it gender neutral because there tends to be double standards on here in regards to females and males!)

I think your partner is doing more than their fair share. They sound more a carer than a partner.

I have a chronic condition, which causes regularly chronic pain 24x7 for weeks on end. I’m immunocompromised due to infusions I have and other drugs and have to ensure the bathroom and kitchen are fully cleaned daily and the rest of the house clean. I do it, as it’s not fair that I expect others to do it because of my illness. I do work full time and so does my OH. Some days it all but finished me off, but life sucks sometimes.

I don’t do it to be a martyr, it has to be done because of me, so it’s only fair I get it done.

If you're unable to look after yourself, ask your local council for a needs assessment to determine if you are eligible for social care support.

YABU - your partner is even doing the hoovering part of your weekly cleaning, as well as all the hands on stuff you mention and working full time too! What more do you want from them?

Once a month is plenty

I was thinking the same, just sounds like "cleaning" to me 😆
I think you are really unreasonable to expect someone who doesn't love in the house do even more than they already are - which is a lot!

What would you do if he wasn’t there at all?

If you are chronically with immune issues I would expect you to be be wiping down touch points more often than weekly.

Cleaning a bathroom weekly isn't a deep clean. With a dog I would be vacuuming more regularly than weekly too.

I understand you are not working currently due to ill health but it sounds like DP is doing an awful lot in a house that isn't there home.

They are feeding you and your DC most days and cleaning up afterwards too plus finding time to walk someone else's dog

I suggest you find a way to do your cleaning across the week so it's not a big 4 hour job in one go.

How old is your DC? Can they help out?

It sounds like he's doing well over half the housework already. It also sounds like you're stuck on doing all this in one day instead of spreading it out. You don't work. Do half an hour a day instead of four hours on a Sunday.

Yabu. They already do a lot and work full time and presumably have their own home that they have to maintain.

Its your choice to do this weekly big clean.

If you dont think they help out enough, get them to spend more time at their own home and do 50/50 between both of your houses.

I have several autoimmune conditions i have never disinfected areas with medical grade cleaner in my life.

Is this a weird hinch hun thing?

Genuinely though what are you expecting from them OP? Because it does sound like you're having a pop at them for not doing it to your self imposed standard.

Frankly I'd just move back to my own place and let you crack on with 100% of caring for your own responsibilities.

I think I'm with the majority here. He seems to be a decent bloke who's doing much more than 50%. I'd be careful, as he may just walk if you're too unreasonable.

Yabu. They are doing loads already.

Obviously your standards of cleaning aren't the same as his. You can either compromise or do it yourself .

Your partner is already doing the bulk of household chores, and it’s not even their home.

How did you cope before they came along - presumably you cared for your child and pet without help?

Your “deep clean” once a week is unnecessary - if you’re only disinfecting surfaces once a week, it’s not protecting you from germs as they’d have sat there for six days! Your partner already helps with the hoovering - it’s just the wiping round and bathroom by the sounds of things.

I don’t often say this but you’re expecting way too much. I’m sorry you have chronic illnesses but it doesn’t give you carte blanche to do nothing. You could do a small amount of the cleaning each day while your child is at school and your partner at work and you’re sat at home.

If they’ve been working all week, doing 50% of the dog walks and school runs, pretty much all of the washing up, and most of the cooking - and that includes for your child too - I’m not surprised they don’t want to spend a huge part of their weekend cleaning.

You don’t seem to see how much they’re doing already.

You are being VERY unreasonable. Your partner does more than enough!

Maybe, but certainly not chez OP!

I’m really gobsmacked by her attitude here. Can she truly not see how arseways she is assessing reality?
A partner who acts as a husband/ carer/ housekeeper and cook for her and her child, all while living elsewhere? Sounds like a dream come true.

This whingeing about cleaning her own house is a grotesque distortion of what’s required of her angelic-sounding boyfriend.
As everyone is saying, nothing she cites is ‘deep cleaning’, and a short time every day would keep her on top of it, and provide some exercise, and surely the child can do little bits of it too.

Definitely a ‘BU’ par excellence here.
She’d want to cop herself on pretty sharpish, as entitlement like this is a lousy attitude to inculcate in a young child, who presumably absorbs it daily.

(Re the iron deficiency; she could do a lot to help herself there, especially with muscle weakness, with those wee sachets of ‘iron water’ by Seatone. Very affordable indeed, and a way of absorbing and storing iron that is effective where normal pill supplements fail.
Not saying hospital interventions would be redundant, but there’s no reason to do nothing while you await an appt.)

YABU

They are feeding your child and your pet as well as other things. it isn’t their house. If DH decided he wanted to deep clean the house once a week, I would let him get on with it, as I wouldn’t feel it was necessary. Maybe he feels the same

He doesn't even live there with them!

You have to do this but you can't do it because of your illness so you think your partner should do it?
You have only been together 2 years and they are doing half your school runs and all the cooking? What would you do if they weren't there?
I'm sorry but you seem to want them to do things that you would be doing if they weren't there whilst also discounting the things they do that help you out massively.

YABU
They sound more like a carer than a partner. I bet they are exhausted. They do all those things for you and you still complain. You are very lucky to have them do all that and stick around TBH. What would you do if they left you?

But you say it is beyond you to get it done in one day, so clearly it is NOT easier, therefore it is up to you to make the alternative method work, despite whatever obstacles your household’s schedule imposes. (Alter the schedule if necessary!)
You can’t just decide to abdicate all responsibility out of mere convenience to yourself. You aren't working, and were this amiable chap not around you’d have to shift for yourselves.
So look at including an hour, or whatever, in every day’s timetable where you wipe/ dust/ disinfect as the week progresses.
There’s really no necessity for a weekly blitz all in one go, and that requirement you’ve created is dependent on another adult actually performing all the accumulated tasks. The cleaning arrangements should be founded on what you and your daughter can sustain. Meaning: just a little, every day!

YABU

You are especially BU for saying they. You sound like you’ve got multiple partners. I’m assuming you know which sex your partner is?

If they weren't there, you'd be doing 100% of everything and you'd still have to do the deep clean (an extra person's dust will be wiped/hoovered up just as quickly) .
Overall, this person is bringing a lot to your life.

YABU about the cleaning.

And - off topic but worth noting- I think a PP is correct regarding whether or not you have a partner for benefit purposes: it doesn’t matter if he has a place of his own. I knew a woman whose boyfriend had his own house - he stayed at hers far less than your 99%. she worked part time, had 2 DC and claimed some benefits. Was charged - as DWP proved she DID have a partner - with benefit fraud and ended up in court.