To let DH have whole day in bed ...

[wonder456]

...when hungover? I had both kids from lunchtime yesterday and took them overnight to grandmas for us to stay ..kept them out away from home so DH could rest.. just got home and asked if I could have some downtime this afternoon but DH says he's still not feeling good and can't help out this afternoon.. I feel it's a bit unfair AIBU?

@wonder456 don’t ask for down time. Tell him. Go out for a few hours and leave the kids with him.

Selfish twat. No advice but it would be the last time i was that considerate.

If it’s a one off I’d let it go. If it happens frequently, then no I wouldn’t be making it easy for him.

If it's a regular thing, absolutely not. If its a one off, let him recover.

It’s not ‘helping out’, it’s parenting.

When’s the last time you got a night out followed by a full day in bed?

You’ve done too much by taking the kids to stay elsewhere. Stop pandering to his selfish ways.

It depends entirely on the context. If this is a rare/special occasion, he needed a break to let his hair down, he had a good time, he's appropriately apologetic and will return the favour giving you an equal break, I'd let him have the day to recover with a smile.

If this is a regular thing, the balance of support/breaks isn't equal and he doesn't acknowledge what he's asking of you then I'd be telling him where to get off.

This. He cannot "perform" well with kids and household if hungover.

Just make sure you have some downtime next weekend. At least 24 hours I’d say.

Never take the kids out of their own home to create peace for someone who can’t manage their drinking.

Honestly I think it depends. My DH doesn’t drink anymore, but when he did this never once happened. And he’d have to be at death’s door from an illness before he stayed in bed with it. So if he were to ever tell me he needed a day in bed, I’d be fine with it because it’s literally never happened in the 10+ yrs we’ve been together.

If it was a frequent thing, then he’s taking the piss.

I would say not unreasonable IF (1) the two of you had agreed that he gets quiet/alone time until he feels better (not a specific timeframe that he now wants to extend) AND (2) he does the equivalent for you when needed/wanted without whinging.

This isn't the case here, and he sounds like one of those "babysitting my kids" wankers to boot. I'd resent it too. It's also tricky because it may not be possible to have a fair, equitable, reciprocal arrangement if he's frequently incapacitating HIMSELF and you don't (and don't want to) do the same.

"Can't help out" Haha!

How often does he get so drunk you all have to vacate the house for 24hrs?

Send the kids into his bedroom now - with toy drum, trumpet, large spoon and saucepan and tell them to make as much noise as their little hearts desire, tell them it's to "help" Daddy wake up. Useless, selfish fecker that he is.

You've been far more accommodating than he deserves, time for him to be reminded that he chose to have children so now he has to actually parent those children, hangover or not.

Yes that’s what would piss me off , so many blokes do see managing and looking after kids as totally woman’s work and an optional extra for them

So many people live in a tit for tat marriage. What happened to just being nice to the person you supposedly love? I would do this for DH and he would do it for me. Equal and even of course but not necessarily on the same day. You dont have to be awkward just because 'it's not fair'. Save it for a day when you need a catch-up and he's able to take over. Weird to be so aggressive aboit things (responses by posters are aggressive).

Since when has parenting your own children been called "helping out"?

So many horrible replies on here. If he does it on a regular basis then I wouldn’t be leaving the kids but I wouldn’t be making the house comfortable. If it’s a one off/blue moon situation then where’s the harm in letting him rest? Marriage and parenting is supposed to be about teamwork. If the shoes were on the other foot would you like him to give you a days rest to recover?

If its a rare event, a close mate’s birthday for example, possibly.

If he’s doing it just because then don’t pander to it. Parenthood means you show up and don’t get to opt out.

How often does he do it?

The question is would he give her a few days to recover? Would he be amenable to her having a massive night out in the first place?

I hope OP comes back and lets us know. My guess is that if he considers parenting his own children to be ‘helping out’, the answer to the above questions is ‘no’.

Yup. The general attitude is quite gross.

Jesus Christ.

Both dh and I have done this for each other before.
hes better with a hangover than i am though which is why ive basically cut out drinking alcohol. Not fully but just occasionally now. I just can’t stand wasting my precious weekends in bed.
If he’s got a hangover he’s most likely to get up, force himself into a shower and go for a walk to blow away the cobwebs- it’s about twice a year for him!
So in our relationship this would be acceptable because it’s rare and because we support each other. And because sometimes we all just need/fancy a duvet day in bed and contrary to how other people feel I don’t think that having children means you can’t still have that. Not every weekend of course but every now and again and it does need to be fair in that both people pick up the slack when the other needs them to.

I don’t agree that he’s “helping out” by being in sole charge of his own kids, and if this is his normal attitude to family life then you have bigger issues to worry about.

regarding today specifically, my answers would depend on whether it’s a one off/ very rare occurrence or a regular thing, and whether you also get the opportunity to have a weekend “off” from time to time. It’s not OK for you to always bee seen as the default parent, but if in your relationship you usually “tag team” to allow both parents equal-ish time and opportunities to do other things I’d let him have today.

He's a parent, if he's under the weather and it's self inflicted hard cheese. Not once has DH pulled a stunt like that or my father come to that.

I'd have given him leeway if it was the once a year office night out at Christmas but all day? I think not.