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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To let DH have whole day in bed ...

61 replies

wonder456 · 30/11/2025 13:19

...when hungover? I had both kids from lunchtime yesterday and took them overnight to grandmas for us to stay ..kept them out away from home so DH could rest.. just got home and asked if I could have some downtime this afternoon but DH says he's still not feeling good and can't help out this afternoon.. I feel it's a bit unfair AIBU?

OP posts:
Livpool · 30/11/2025 14:06

The ‘helping out’ comment would annoy me more than anything else

StruggleFlourish · 30/11/2025 14:07

If you take the kids away, provide a quiet environment for him, make sure he's got water and an aspirin, a bucket if needed, some plain toast or crackers etc, let him detox and rest, then you are a very kind sensitive and supportive partner.

Being hungover is a self-inflicted wound. Nobody holds you down and pours the drinks down your throat, it's an illness that you bring on yourself. I provide far less sympathetic care for hangovers than I do for other illnesses, as one should completely know better, but that doesn't mean the person isn't physically suffering at this time and could use the help.

I think the question is, how often does this happen? Does he get hungover and demand 24 hours in bed once a week, couple of times a year, or has this almost never happened before? Because if it's an incredibly rare occurrence, I would say be the support of partner, give him the care he needs as he's feeling crummy, and later when he's feeling better, state plainly that you don't want this to happen again. If he doesn't drink that often, if this almost never happens, then you probably won't have to worry about it.
If this happens frequently, like after most parties or several times a year, then you've got a husband with a drinking problem.

Fun fact, it's good to know what a standard sized drink looks like (beer at 5%, wine at 12% and spirits at 40%... What the size of a standard drink is because it's the same the world over) And even though every person is slightly different, how big they are, how experienced they are, how old they are, and other physical parameters that might define how they handle alcohol, for the most part, most biological males can have two standard drinks in 1 hour and biological females can have one standard drink in 1 hour, and they can stay below the illegal blood alcohol concentration.
If exceeded, that's when you're going to go beyond what your body is able to process in an hour, and that's when you're going to get toxic levels and that's when you're going to get hangover.

2old4thispoo · 30/11/2025 14:07

Is this unusual for your DH to be so hungover, that he can't t function the next day?

LumpyandBumps · 30/11/2025 14:15

My kids are grown up now, but I remember having to have a chat with DH about nights out.
In theory we had a roughly equal number each, but mine were for a few hours after I’d put the kids to bed, and whilst I might have had a couple of glasses of wine I’d be fully capable of doing/ sharing any night waking.
His crept up from a whole evening where he would come back perfectly happy and sociable, but unable to stay awake, to leaving at midday, returning late evening and being hungover for much of the next day.
He agreed that it wasn’t reasonable to be hungover next day from a normal night out. I was ok with it happening occasionally for a special night, and keeping the kids away from him, and he would then take the kids out for a few hours the following week to give me some time to myself.

Imanexcellentdrivercharliebabbit · 30/11/2025 14:16

Seems common these days, night out and a day to recover. My DD and SIL take it in turns to have nights out like this and the following day ‘off’
(I stopped having the kids overnight for this reason when they both went out- as they didn’t want kids dropped back until following day night time -fed n showered !in PJs !! Err no chance lol )

HatAndScarf33 · 30/11/2025 14:22

It depends how often something like this happens. If it’s a rarity, I’d try and give a bit of grace and just take on the extra as a one off. If he does it on the regular though, I’d be far less inclined and would be tempted to just announce I’m having some time to myself and he needs to suck it up and look after the kids.

HappyMeal564 · 30/11/2025 14:25

As long as it works both ways I think it's fine

Thepeopleversuswork · 30/11/2025 14:34

Thisisnotmyid · 30/11/2025 13:52

So many horrible replies on here. If he does it on a regular basis then I wouldn’t be leaving the kids but I wouldn’t be making the house comfortable. If it’s a one off/blue moon situation then where’s the harm in letting him rest? Marriage and parenting is supposed to be about teamwork. If the shoes were on the other foot would you like him to give you a days rest to recover?

But someone who is regularly drinking themselves into a state where they can’t function for the whole of the next day isn’t capable of “teamwork”.

Which is why I think it all comes down to the frequency. If this happens once a year its fair: I would let it go. If it’s happening once a month its a pisstake. If you are opting out of weekend parenting duties regularly because you don’t know when to stop you’re not a parent, just a drain on the family.

Vaxtable · 30/11/2025 14:35

Sorry but tough. Go out and leave the kids with him

Thisisnotmyid · 30/11/2025 14:52

Thepeopleversuswork · 30/11/2025 14:34

But someone who is regularly drinking themselves into a state where they can’t function for the whole of the next day isn’t capable of “teamwork”.

Which is why I think it all comes down to the frequency. If this happens once a year its fair: I would let it go. If it’s happening once a month its a pisstake. If you are opting out of weekend parenting duties regularly because you don’t know when to stop you’re not a parent, just a drain on the family.

Did you read my whole post or just decide to start yours with an argumentative approach? Neither my post nor the OP’s mentioned anything about this being a regular thing.

Thisisnotmyid · 30/11/2025 14:57

ForZanyAquaViewer · 30/11/2025 13:55

The question is would he give her a few days to recover? Would he be amenable to her having a massive night out in the first place?

I hope OP comes back and lets us know. My guess is that if he considers parenting his own children to be ‘helping out’, the answer to the above questions is ‘no’.

And if OP comes back and says it’s a one off thing and he generally lets her have the longer sleeps on the weekends but she was just having a rough day today and felt like a moan what then? Without a proper OP ( or the usual drip feeding) it’s hard to give an honest opinion and assuming just makes everyone look like an ass.

usedtobeaylis · 30/11/2025 15:00

Nope, you've facilitated him. It doesn't matter if it's a one off, he's had r&r and you need to take care of yourself too.

WalkDontWalk · 30/11/2025 15:15

In our house, this would work both ways, so wouldn't worry me a bit.

Thepeopleversuswork · 30/11/2025 15:15

Thisisnotmyid · 30/11/2025 14:52

Did you read my whole post or just decide to start yours with an argumentative approach? Neither my post nor the OP’s mentioned anything about this being a regular thing.

Who's being argumentative?!

I don't know whether it's a regular thing or not, because the OP doesn't specify, which is why I'm drawing a distinction!

It's a discussion board. People ask others a question, that's how it works. You don't get to police other people for expressing their opinions if those opinions are solicited.

wonder456 · 30/11/2025 15:16

Thankyou so much everyone for your replies...it's really helped so much... this really doesn't happen often and I totally agree that it should be about teamwork and helping each other our when we need it... the thing is if it was the other way round it absolutely wouldn't fly...

But things not great with us at the moment and I think it would be a good idea for me to be really supportive about this. Xx

OP posts:
outerspacepotato · 30/11/2025 15:18

Hangover?

Tough. He made his bed, now he gets up and parents.

Helps out my ass.

Do you think you need to support his checking out of family life because he drinks so much that he has to rest for more than a day? Bullshit.

Thepeopleversuswork · 30/11/2025 15:21

wonder456 · 30/11/2025 15:16

Thankyou so much everyone for your replies...it's really helped so much... this really doesn't happen often and I totally agree that it should be about teamwork and helping each other our when we need it... the thing is if it was the other way round it absolutely wouldn't fly...

But things not great with us at the moment and I think it would be a good idea for me to be really supportive about this. Xx

Edited

If its one rule for him and another for you, as you've stated here, then something isn't working. Why should he be able to opt out of a whole day's parenting while you are expected to push through?

Go out or don't go out today, your call: maybe not the right day to be creating a flashpoint. But I wouldn't be making a habit of allowing him to drink himself silly and then opt out of the following day just to keep the peace.

You have to sit down with him (probably not today) and say you're not going to be the backup parent like this. If you both get equal opportunities to have time away from the kids and its planned, this is fine. What's not fine is for him to do this and assume that it will be OK for you to pick up the slack, while you're not able to do the same. It's not fair.

ForZanyAquaViewer · 30/11/2025 15:31

Thisisnotmyid · 30/11/2025 14:57

And if OP comes back and says it’s a one off thing and he generally lets her have the longer sleeps on the weekends but she was just having a rough day today and felt like a moan what then? Without a proper OP ( or the usual drip feeding) it’s hard to give an honest opinion and assuming just makes everyone look like an ass.

If she comes back and says that, then we (or, at least I) will respond accordingly.

It would be helpful if she came back and answered the questions. However, responses based on the current info of ‘DH says he's still not feeling good and can't help out’ don’t seem silly to me.

DolefullySingingMotherfucka · 30/11/2025 15:32

Getting so drunk that you can't function the next day is something you'd tolerate from a nineteen-year-old. It's extremely unattractive in a person supposedly grown up enough to be a parent.

Redpeach · 30/11/2025 15:38

Drinking so much that it wipes out all if the next day is shitty behaviour if you have young kids

ForZanyAquaViewer · 30/11/2025 15:38

wonder456 · 30/11/2025 15:16

Thankyou so much everyone for your replies...it's really helped so much... this really doesn't happen often and I totally agree that it should be about teamwork and helping each other our when we need it... the thing is if it was the other way round it absolutely wouldn't fly...

But things not great with us at the moment and I think it would be a good idea for me to be really supportive about this. Xx

Edited

I totally agree that it should be about teamwork and helping each other our when we need it... the thing is if it was the other way round it absolutely wouldn't fly

How is he generally re teamwork? And in what way wouldn’t it fly? How would he react? When’s the last time you had a big night out?*

But things not great with us at the moment and I think it would be a good idea for me to be really supportive about this.

Or it would be a good idea for him to be really supportive of you? In what ways aren’t things currently great?

My apologies, as I know that’s lots of questions.

whattheysay · 30/11/2025 15:46

When the dc were little I did this for him but equally he did it for me. Neither of us went out often but when we did we knew it would mean we were mostly on our own the next day. It was fine I was able to look after my 3 on my own for a day as was he. Of course it’s annoying and not great to be on your own the whole day but unless this is a regular occurrence then it shouldn’t be an issue. If this happens a couple of times a month then I’d have an issue with it because they are obviously drinking so much regularly that they can’t get out of bed the whole day.

KittyFinlay · 30/11/2025 16:02

Is it a regular thing? Since DD was born almost 6 years ago, I've been out and really overdone it maybe 4/5 times and DH is quite happy to leave me to sleep it off. He wouldn't be keeping DD quiet or going out though, that's pandering.

I'd do the same for him but he doesn't really get hangovers, however, he has lots of hobbies and I am happy to take care of things when he's out.

Neither of us feels like the other isn't pulling their weight.

Thisisnotmyid · 30/11/2025 16:08

ForZanyAquaViewer · 30/11/2025 15:31

If she comes back and says that, then we (or, at least I) will respond accordingly.

It would be helpful if she came back and answered the questions. However, responses based on the current info of ‘DH says he's still not feeling good and can't help out’ don’t seem silly to me.

The first few responses were completely unhelpful as they were very much in the camp of ‘bad dh’ and OP has now admitted herself (as I thought) it’s a one off and everyone deserves an off day

user1492809438 · 30/11/2025 16:16

Another woman putting up with rubbish in order to improve/support her marriage. Did he offer to get out of bed or not get drunk in the first place to improve/support their marriage.? We women do dig our own holes.