Is fiancé only with me cause he wants children after all

[Cratie]

I’ve been feeling very down for the past couple of weeks. I really was unsure why. But I’ve come to the realisation that some of it stems from the fact that I feel like my fiance is only marrying me because he has decided he wants children after all.

Fiance is a textbook workaholic. It actually suits me fine as I grew up with workaholic parents so am used to spending evenings alone. I have a lot of hobbies. And a large social circle who I often go out to drinks with. And I have no problem going away for city breaks on my own. So the workaholic thing is mostly fine with me.

Fiancé is 46 and has built up a successful business. He always thought his life was incompatible with marriage and children so never had them. However, a few years ago he changed his mind.

Im 31. I just can’t help but feel like fiancé is only with me for my womb! We get on well. But it feels like he changed his mind re kids and I was the first fertile woman he came across. And it’s really bringing me down.

Is this just my insecurity? I am just naturally way too easy going and I’m worried fiancé is only with me as he has found someone who works with his business and desire for a family. And that’s all.

Not really sure what the issue is. Do you want kids with him?

Proceed with caution. Your gut is telling you something.

I do. But I don’t want them with just anyone. I can’t help but feel like fiancé is marrying me cause of my fertility which really disturbs and upsets me

Have you talked about having children? Including the nitty gritty of who is getting up every night for years, who is doing childcare, etc?

I know many will balk at this but I want to be married to someone who sees me as “the one”. Not the first fertile, easy going person they came across when they decided marriage was something they wanted after all.

What has he said or done to make you feel this way? Are you sure you're not overthinking?

Do you love him ? And does he show that he loves you?

That would be a good starting point

Have you had kids? How do you or he know you are actually fertile????

I think your fears are relevant because if it turns out you can’t have kids (even if you got pregnant once this is no indicator of future fertility) then he will leave you for someone who can, so YANBU to worry. Honestly though I have no answer as to how to handle this though. It’s awful. It’s not wrong to want to marry someone who sees you as the one.

Surely the issue is that she wants to be loved and wanted for who she is, not just because she's physically able to have a baby. I'd imagine most people want that.

How long have you you been together? Has there been a sudden change in his attitude? Is he pushing you to start a family? What happens if you say you want to wait a couple of years, have some fun, go travelling etc first?

Do you actually want to be married to a workaholic and have kids with him?
You'll be doing all the parenting by yourself and probably all the house stuff too.

You need to talk to him. Tell him your fears. If you cant do that then thats a reason in itself why you shouldnt marry him. You should never build a family with someone you cant be honest and open with.

What kind of relationship do you have with this man? What kind of relationship would you ideally want? Does it match up?

What kind of father do you want for your children?

I know you said you’re happy to be alone most of the time and you prefer this life where you spend more of your time with friends and doing hobbies than with your partner but what happens when you have children? Will your friends be happy to do the dad stuff with your children? Will you still be able to do your hobbies or will your life solely revolve around the children?

You can probably tell from my tone that I think you should get rid of him and find a man who really loves you who wants to be married to you and not his job. If he’s a workaholic then he’s unlikely to make a miraculous change once you have a baby. It’s more likely that he carries on as usual whilst you run around doing everything, with no time to yourself for hobbies or socialising.

I would obviously be doing the bulk. But I don’t doubt that fiancé will be a very hands on dad. He loves children and they love him.

I do plan to return to work after the early years. I’ve had time where I’ve not worked (redundancy) and the monotony and lack of stimulation was not great for my mh.

Honestly I think chances are your gut feeling is correct. The major clue is the ages, if he wasn’t using you for your womb, the likelihood is that he would have gone for someone his own age, as we tend to have more in common and similar life experiences as someone of our own age.

Does dp know of your plans? Have you had The Conversation regarding children, childcare, roles etc.

Yes, we’ve discussed it. He has suggested I work at his business post kids as I will have more flexibility. But I’ve also shared that I think it will be good for me to have some separation. I don’t know how to explain but I like having a life outside of fiance. Ie work colleagues, after work drinks etc.

As he is a workaholic, it sounds really like if you stayed you would be signing up for essentially single-parenthood. This is really something that you need to talk about in detail together - what would life be like for you if you do have children? Do you have support networks around you (family / friends close by) as there is a real possibility that you would not be able to rely on your partner for anything.

Another thing that you ought to consider, what would your life would be like as you got older. There is a large age gap between you - what will life be like in 10, 15, 20, 30 years? I have a friend with a similar age gap with her partner. He has recently turned 70, and his wants and needs are now very different from my friend (who is 55).

Sorry to derail the thread slightly - as I know it is not what you asked - but I think before you enmesh yourself more entirely to this older man, you do need to think about what the future might look like (both in terms of new baby / small children stage, but also teenager stage, and elderly person stage)..

I think our relationship is solid. Communication is solid. I feel respected and valued. Fiancé cares about my opinions on things. I Always feel like my input is valued.

Fiance has said he knows he will have to make adjustments re his work schedule. I’ve told him his current schedule would not work with children. He accepts that.

I strongly suggest your fiancé changes his work schedule before you get pregnant - once baby is here will he really stick to it? See how he gets on now with a new schedule

I think “the one” is overrated.
Assuming you are attracted to him and care for him, one could do a lot worse than a successful businessman, respectful and a good communicator who has actively thought through the pros and cons of parenthood.

My god OP - even if you fall pregnant next week he’ll be 50 before your kids start school. He’ll be 60 before they are in secondary school.

Do you want to be saddled with an old man? Think it through carefully.

prior to meeting fiancé I would never have considered someone this much older. I was quite adamant. But fiancé is very athletic and has taken care of himself. He is slim and muscular. I don’t feel like I’m dating an old man.

This would make me very nervous. A workaholic who wants kids, picks a woman 15 years younger than him and then suggests you work for him so you can have more flexibility. (AKA he has full control). I bet you end up cooking, cleaning, bringing up the kids AND helping out his business.

I'd sit him down, explain you will be working full time after mat leave to maintain your sanity/independence and that you will expect him to do 50% of the housework & childcare. See if he's still as keen...

Absolutely keep the separation.

Do you feel that loves you? How does he show that he loves you? When you are with other people, do you feel that you are still his most important person? Has he ever shown that other people or things are more important to him?

If I was 31 I don't think I would choose to have kids with someone who is 46 and only just now realised that he is ready for kids. You will be taking on all the risks (are you going to get married?) and he will most likely not slow down career wise to raise these kids. You can find someone else who is your age and who you are more equal with. He is not going to change a thing, they never do when they have got that age. At least they don't change and suddenly become more considerate and less self-centred.