Is fiancé only with me cause he wants children after all

[Cratie]

I’ve been feeling very down for the past couple of weeks. I really was unsure why. But I’ve come to the realisation that some of it stems from the fact that I feel like my fiance is only marrying me because he has decided he wants children after all.

Fiance is a textbook workaholic. It actually suits me fine as I grew up with workaholic parents so am used to spending evenings alone. I have a lot of hobbies. And a large social circle who I often go out to drinks with. And I have no problem going away for city breaks on my own. So the workaholic thing is mostly fine with me.

Fiancé is 46 and has built up a successful business. He always thought his life was incompatible with marriage and children so never had them. However, a few years ago he changed his mind.

Im 31. I just can’t help but feel like fiancé is only with me for my womb! We get on well. But it feels like he changed his mind re kids and I was the first fertile woman he came across. And it’s really bringing me down.

Is this just my insecurity? I am just naturally way too easy going and I’m worried fiancé is only with me as he has found someone who works with his business and desire for a family. And that’s all.

If you suspect that he only wants you for your womb, then he's not the man for you. You don't sound that crazy about him either so maybe it's not a great match. You are very young to be settling.

@Cratie - so, given you’re so much younger then yes, it’s likely that part of his attraction to you is that you’re still a very good age for having children. Honestly, if he wants children it doesn’t make sense for him to choose a partner of a similar age to him whose fertile years may well be behind her and/or who may not fancy changing nappies and doing nursery runs in their late 40s. But, all being well, that’s only part of his attraction to you. All being well, it’s based on a wider range of factors. But do think hard about whether he will ever be sufficiently present as a father.

After all, aren’t you attracted by - amongst other things - what he can offer materially particularly if you’re planning to be an SAHM in the early years? It’s perfectly acceptable - indeed sensible - to take these things into account when choosing a partner as long as there are other deep bonds of love, compatibility, shared interests, shared values etc. When i was slightly younger than you and having a mad men are like buses experience after years of nothing, one distinguishing factor was that one of the men was established in a career and earning well and the other was about to make a significant career change which would inevitably lead to a long period of financial instability. I was looking to settle down and wanted financial stability (along with a range if other points of connection).

But as PPs have said, offering financial security is not enough. There must be many points of love, respect and joy.

I agree, don’t work for him. It may have been a well meaning gesture, or a controlling one. There’s a fine line between caring and controlling.

Can you pinpoint why you feel like this? You haven’t stated that there are any issues in the relationship or the way he treats you? You say you communicate well and that he is respectful. Do you have fun together? You say he’s a workaholic so many evenings are spent alone, how often do you get to spend time together? You say you feel valued so I assume you don’t feel like he just prioritises work over you?

Nobody on mumsnet can tell you why your partner is with you so I think it’s important for you to try and unpick these feelings. Do you feel like this because of his behaviour or because of issues in the relationship, for example if he is disinterested in you or avoiding spending time with you or if there are a lot of disagreements? If the relationship is hard work but he stays with you I can see why you’d feel like that. However, if you’re both happy in the relationship and enjoy spending time together then it might be your own insecurity or issues with your self-esteem making you feel like this. Do/ did you feel secure in your other relationships (with friends and family or past partners?) or is it a common theme that you don’t feel good enough for other people or worry they don’t really like you? Maybe therapy, whether on your own or together, would be a good next step to help you get to the bottom of this.

I think you need to seek help for these thoughts. If it really bothers you then ask him what would happen if you found out you can’t have kids. Because not everyone can. People presume they can and get the news down the line. That would give you your answer as to whether he’d stay

Why do you suddenly feel like he is only with you because he wants to have children? How long were you together before getting engaged? Also you said you would want to go back to work after the 'early years' which I presume is about 3ish. if you have a couple of kids that's possibly 5+ years out of the workplace. Someone will have to fund that by working. It's easy to say that your fiance will cut down his hours to spend more time with the children until he is the sole earner and he sees the cost of childcare and children, and also how hard they are at that age when you cant give them back. Then it will be very easy for him to say he has to continue working long hours etc as you are at home to pick up the slack. Also, he may be thinking you are fertile as you are so much younger than him but you also need to consider that a man in his late 40's does not have premium sperm. The likelihood that your child will be autistic is higher due to the age of the father. If you have a child with serious disabilities that may mean that you will not be able to work. OTOH if you want to stay at home the compromise may have to be that you will basically be single parenting while he works long hours.

He’s slim and muscular, now. By the time you’re his current age, he’ll be in his sixties. He might be an attractive man in his sixties, but that’s still something to think about. You’ll also have young kids with a sixty something year old father.

I say all this as someone closer to his age than yours. Think about all this very carefully.

Re your actual question - talk to him? Share your concerns. You’ve described your communication as solid, and you’re planning on marrying and having kids with this man. You should be able to have an honest conversation about how you’re feeling.

I'd look up the stats on older men and the increased risk of having their babies. Honestly I think you should find someone closer to your age. There is no way this guy is going to engage in family life if he's a workaholic nearing his 50s.

Yes but in reality he is 46, and there has been more research recently about how sharply the quality of men’s sperm declines after 40. The chances of having a child with autism increase exponentially as the father ages.

Could you handle one or more children on the spectrum with a workaholic father that isn’t pulling his weight with them? More importantly, would you want to?

This is a good point.

Also, while I’ve no problem with age gap relationships and went for older men myself, the novelty wears off as age advances.

At 31, 47 is hot. At 51, 67 is going to seem old, no matter how fit he is. At 61, you could already be widowed. And good luck finding a new partner, then.

At 46 he isn't an old man. I'm older than him (by 5 years) and I'm fit and healthy and plan to be for many years yet, but someone who is 15 years your senior is going to be old long before you are. That age gap isn't very apparent now, but one day it might very well be. Age gap relationships can work, and some people live to a hale and hearty old age, but I wouldn't choose to be with someone who was so much older.

As to your dilemma, is it a dilemma? You say you're worried he's with you for your fertility, but then you say: I think our relationship is solid. Communication is solid. I feel respected and valued. Fiancé cares about my opinions on things. I always feel like my input is valued. And that sounds like a pretty good relationship to me, not one where he's just found the first nubile young woman he can and wants to procreate with her. So why the anxiety?

I was with someone like this years ago. It turned out he was infertile.

You spend most evenings alone, and take holidays by yourself.
You’d be a bloody fool “not to doubt” that he’d be a hands on Dad.

His life is still incompatible with having children. Don't assume he will change - people don't - because then you will be stuck.

You say he's 46, a workaholic, and successful financially. That he wanted to be a financial workaholic success and so he's put everything into this, assuming approximately 25 years, and as such, did not want to put the time into having a wife / having children

Now he is reached the peak of his work-life (most likely) and standing at the top of the peak looking down, he's thinking, I am fit, I am active, I am healthy, I've achieved most of my work goals, and I and financially secure. Now that I have this, I can start a family.

This makes sense to me. Although lots of younger/financially insecure people start families, and struggle through and do well enough, men have the unfair advantage of being able to put off family/children almost as long as they'd like to as long as they end up with a younger/fertile mate.

You say you're worrying because you feel like he's just marrying the first womb that comes along...
But you didn't mention how long he was your fiance. Did you guys just meet?
Because if you've known him for years, and you've had a good solid relationship for years, then maybe this isn't such a terrible thing this is just the natural progression of your relationship.

But if you just met him say less than a year ago, and now all of a sudden he's talking about marriage and children, what do you think? You say you're 31, child free, and enjoy having your personal time and time away with friends. That, if you become a mother, you already know you're going to be doing the majority of the child care because your workaholic husband is still probably going to be a workaholic and more than likely financially providing for the family.

I don't think the age difference is a gigantic issue unlike others here. While it is true that having 15 years between you could mean that his energy level when the kids are 5 or 10 years old isn't going to be the same as your energy level, you honestly don't know that for sure. There's plenty of partners who are younger who have physical or psychological issues that drain their energy and motivation, and plenty of other older people who have tons of stamina.

You just have to have a discussion about family planning. Everyone does regardless of their age, regardless of their career, all partners who are of childbearing age need to have this discussion before "something happens" And the discussion is a moot point because the decisions been made because you've gotten pregnant. And then, it'll either all work out the way that it should, or they'll be resentment and disappointment and inevitable divorce because you guys weren't on the same page from the beginning regarding family and division of duties.

This 👏

Im 52 right now and many of my female peers are still even at this age quite youthful in terms of energy, even how they look and dress and many of them still turn heads and enjoy regularly socialising all hours and regularly travelling also and I can’t imagine how a nearly 70 year old partner would still be compatible with that.

Also, you read many threads of women who the older man wanted because she was young and hot and he was the more older successful businessman and initially energy is matched in all things but once they have had the kids a lot of resentment kicks in at bacially often being almost a 24/7 housekeeper and nanny with nothing much in common as they both grow older and the woman is often left with no financial security/work pension so feels trapped into staying so even less chance of finding a more suitable partner as they get older.

@Cratie your gut is telling you something for a reason.

Don't marry a man with a significant age gap who sees you as his incubator.

I think you've picked up on things he's saying and maybe attitudes that are giving you this uneasiness. Is he rushing this relationship?

At 50 now, I wouldn’t look twice at a 66 year old man. Even the most attractive 66 year old in the world. I think one needs to put more thought in to age gap relationships if you are considering children. Because best for those children is that their parents are still together and happy. If you’re not considering children, age gaps don’t matter so much as you can just leave if it’s not working.
But the harsh reality of your ages is that, say you give birth at 35, he’ll be 51, when your child is 16, you’ll be 51 and he’ll be 67, and retirement age. It doesn’t work.

If you have kids with this man, your evenings out with friends and city breaks away will be much curtailed unless he is prepared to take on the childcare or pay for someone to do it.
You don't have much ( any) spontanaiety for after work drink, and if you do have babysitters, they have to be arranged in advance.
You may be able to carry on doing your hobbies if they are home-based, but really the things you enjoy as an independent person are likely to be very limited if you have children with a man who is a workaholic.
Take heed of the warnings here, take heed of the poster who pointed out the drawbacks of such a big age gap. Obviously if you really love him and he loves you then some of the difficulties can be overcome, but if you're not even convinced of that, then it doesn't sound like there is much future in this relationship.

Given your updates OP, it sounds like he hasn’t given you any reason to suspect he’s only with you for your fertility except the age difference.

It’s perfectly possible for him to have been looking for a partner capable of bearing him children with older potential partners being ruled out because they couldn’t AND that from that pool of people he picked you because he loves and respects you and wants to be with you and you’re “the one”.

In the same way that everyone will have preferences and deal breakers when searching for a partner, without more evidence that he settled on your as the first person who came along (like pressuring you to have babies now before you’re ready or meeting you two days after breaking up with his ex for not being fertile etc etc) it sounds like he just picked you because you fit his preferences for a partner and he fancied you and wanted to be with you!

Well technically it won't be for your fertility as he wouldn't know if you were or not until you start TTC.

Agree. I suppose it depends on whether you are team Lizzie Bennet or team Charlotte Lucas.

But seriously, all those cheerfully suggesting you look again for someone your own age - it’s not so simple. At 31 you would be competing with all the other 30 somethings whose biological alarm clock is ringing loudly. And so many 30 something men aren’t ready to settle down and have children. Before you know it you will be over 35, your fertility beginning to drop off and those men who do want children may well give you a swerve.

How often do we see threads here from women in their late 30’s whose boyfriends have strung them on about not being ready for babies for another year or two until they find they have left it too late or they are wondering whether to dump the unwilling boyfriend and risk finding a keen father to be at short notice.

So if you are keen for children I’d honestly recommend you crack on now. It might not happen as easily as you expect.

Also no one can predict the future - yes there can be age related health issues but it could just as easily happen the other way around. Only recently we had a patient in our department for tests, I noticed her hand shaking and thought she was nervous but she has early onset Parkinson’s. In her late 30’s. As well as other health problems. How unlucky some people are.

No different to women using men for their sperm, no it wont end well so if you want kids have them if not then leave

Do not have children with a workaholic. Your age gap is too big, he’ll never be at home, he won’t help you with the kids, you’ll feel trapped and lonely and your poor DC will never get the attention they crave from him.

You’re 31: plenty of time to find someone else who’ll actually be an equal parent. I wouldn’t stay with a man who leaves you alone so much.

Do not have children with a workaholic. He won’t change, he won’t adjust his schedule. He just won’t.

Kids are bloody hard work. You do not want to raise them with a semi-detached husband and father.