Is fiancé only with me cause he wants children after all

[Cratie]

I’ve been feeling very down for the past couple of weeks. I really was unsure why. But I’ve come to the realisation that some of it stems from the fact that I feel like my fiance is only marrying me because he has decided he wants children after all.

Fiance is a textbook workaholic. It actually suits me fine as I grew up with workaholic parents so am used to spending evenings alone. I have a lot of hobbies. And a large social circle who I often go out to drinks with. And I have no problem going away for city breaks on my own. So the workaholic thing is mostly fine with me.

Fiancé is 46 and has built up a successful business. He always thought his life was incompatible with marriage and children so never had them. However, a few years ago he changed his mind.

Im 31. I just can’t help but feel like fiancé is only with me for my womb! We get on well. But it feels like he changed his mind re kids and I was the first fertile woman he came across. And it’s really bringing me down.

Is this just my insecurity? I am just naturally way too easy going and I’m worried fiancé is only with me as he has found someone who works with his business and desire for a family. And that’s all.

You are a younger age but it doesn’t guarantee fertility so before jumping the gun, why not just go for a private checkup to see if it would be straightforward as you think. And sometimes the partner is infertile or many other problems on top of that where having a baby is not a straightforward concept.

Have you had a discussion with your fiancé what happens if this is the case? I think from that you will get your answer if he is invested in you as a person and not just an incubator.

Don't repeat the pattern of your childhood by inflicting a negligent, absent, workaholic parent on them.

Maybe find someone more your own age, and decide independently of this current man whether you'd like to have children with someone who will be the sort of inactive, engaged parent your future children will need.

Obviously, I meant active! I wish Mumsnet would let us edit our posts for a bit longer.

You sound a little bit naïve, @Cratie. You enjoy your independent, autonomous lifestyle now but you will NOT have that with children. Even if your fiancé performed a 180° turn, going part-time with work, getting stuck in with the laundry and childcare, doing night feeds and nursery pickups, your life would change radically.

He isn't going to do that - because workaholics do not suddenly become homebodies, and because his solution to the load-sharing question is for you to work part-time in his business! Surely you can picture how that would work out?

What you could do: Carry on much as at present, but with twice the outgoings for a nanny, laundry and cleaning services. You'd also carry a far bigger mental/emotional load, as you'd be doing the planning, fire-fighting and managing children's social business on top of your job, relationship and personal life.

Or become a full-time SAHM, and it would be full time as the big man's out earning his big money, or a part-time one with a mish-mash of competing responsibilities and still no personal life.

I'd say you need hard talks but neither of you have a realistic idea of what's involved. You actually need these hard talks with extra people present; people who won't sugar-coat the reality of life "in the trenches" with young children.

Plus, as others have mentioned, you cannot assume perfect health and no additional needs in either your children or your husband. This is true at any age. In your situation, the probabilities of less-able children and a physically challenged husband are quite a lot higher.

Don't float into this thinking everything will work out fine. Use your rational brain. And, I agree, listen to your instincts: they're telling you something.

He wants children, he'd be insane to choose a 46 year old woman

Can you ask him to his face or are you not able to bring your worries up?

I do agree with other posters that your age difference is rather big - it doesn’t matter how fit and healthy he is - 15 years his junior you’re no real match for him. What you bring to the table is your youth. Fertility? Maybe..

That’s why @arethereanyleftatall made the point in her post. He wants kids or else he’d have chosen someone of his own age

As one of my coworkers found out the hard way, it may be ok to become a dad as a 45-50 years old man, but it is tough as hell to be in the early fifties and be dad to a five-years-old.

I’m afraid for him it’s going to be even worse to be the dad of a teen in his sixties.

Do you see some 46 year workaholic as the one? Could he argue that you just see him as pay check because of successful business?

Surely at 31 someone closer to your own age is a better suited to you.

May just be me but I don’t think having a child with a workaholic sounds like a great idea. The many threads on here by exasperated women who are essentially single mothers with a layabout manchild partner who makes a mess then leaves for work/hobbies and basically isn’t around aside from that spring to mind.

This doesn’t sound like a good idea. When you have kids, your life will change and for the most part you won’t be able to go out with your friends, take city breaks and enjoy your hobbies because you’ll have a baby to take care of.

He may say he’ll be there, but do you honestly believe that he will change his work/home life balance to be there and even help, never mind give you a break.

You also need to consider how you’ll be financially, are you giving up or pausing your career, will he take over most of the bills to support that, will you have your own funds to spend/save?

Well, he doesn’t know you are fertile does he? Plenty of women of child-bearing age have fertility issues. If that was the main focus of what he wanted out of your relationship, he’d almost certainly have wanted to know for sure what your fertility is like and suggested some investigations?

“The one” isn’t real. But it’s important to feel loved for who you are, rather than that you fit a checklist so I understand your concerns.

I guess you need to work out whether you don’t feel loved enough because of your own issues or because the connection isn’t really there.

The most important thing in your post is your nagging doubt about your relationship, he says all the right things but you're still not sure. You want to be his Miss Right, the woman he wants above all others, instead you feel like "this one will do". If he was in his 30s do you think you'd be engaged or would he still be happy single?

You keep focusing on him and his wishes and feelings. Do you want to marry this man? You don’t seem to get to spend a great deal of time with him. Are you ok with having a child who never sees his or her father? Have you actuslly talked in detail about exactly how this child will be raised — how he will need to reduce his hours and/or switch to a more family friendly job to care for his child, who will take suck days, who will do child under dropoffs and pick ups?

I was very clear when DH and I were talking about having a child that I wouldn’t be taking a step back at work, so he would need to factor in reducing his hours, and not work8ng weekends if he wanted a child.

THIS ⬆️

Do you want his kids? Your post is all about him, what about you? Is he your "one"?
It isn't a bad thing for him to want you to work in his business, perhaps he's hoping the future kids will work there too? You'll get to spend time with him if you work with him. I agree that you'll be stuck with the kids 24/7, if he carries on with the long hours post kids. Time for yourself will be non-existent and it could be very isolating.
It could be good to have an older husband, he might retire when the future kids are in high school and be on hand for them.
Have a conversation about your future financial provision. He should be paying into a pension for you if you're staying at home for the kids. And paying childcare if you're working.
If you're not sure, don't do it.

Yes. I wouldn't do it. One of my coworkers isn't even thirty years old yet, and both his parents are in their seventies. He said there were a lot of things they couldn't do when he grew up. To top it off, his mum had cancer, and it gave her permanent damage, so she is more feeble than many other women her age.

This.

Really think long and hard. This sounds very clinical.

On the subject of older dads, my best friend is married to someone 14 years older than her and he is the best Dad ever, whilst also working very hard as an NHS Consultant with no private practice (she also works full time in professional services). They had their first child when he was 44 and second when he was 50. Conversely, I married a man 13 years older than I was and we had our children when he was 37 and 39. He never lifted a finger to do anything with them, or around the house.

Whether or not someone will be a good and physically fit Dad and husband depends on the man, not his age.

I don't really understand the issue. You say your relationship is solid, he is great, respectful, ticks all the boxes and you say that you want kids too. And you got engaged to him so presumably you love him and saw a future with him. I mean, you're his fiancee. Isn't that the very person he's supposed to want kids with?

I'd suggest he make those changes to his work pattern BEFORE you start trying, make sure he means it, especially as his sperm quality will not be as good as it is in a younger man, so you have a higher risk of miscarriage and the baby having disabilities, which could result in you being unable to go back to work. I also think you're very sensible to not work for him, you need to retain some independence and individuality.