Is this normal or am I a crap mum?

[Cornflower2]

I'm a FTM to a 2 month old baby. This was a planned and wanted pregnancy and I was really looking forward to his arrival but now he's here it all feels a bit... underwhelming?

I feel protective of him and he's very cute sometimes but I never felt a rush of love when he was born and I'm honestly not sure I love him even now. When he's crying and fussing I get irritated and just want to put him down or pass him over to someone and walk away. I try to talk to him as much as possible because I know it's good for his development but it often feels like a chore and I wish he would bloody sleep more so I can have some time to myself. I read posts on here about mums enjoying lovely cuddles with their newborn and cherishing every moment and I'm sat here trapped on the sofa, afraid to move too much in case he wakes up.

The gist of my ramblings is - I'm just not enjoying my baby, or life with my baby.
Is this about average experience or an I unusually un-bonded with my child? Am I just a terrible mum? I have a good support network and supportive partner etc so help isn't an issue. I haven't had a full night's sleep since he was born but equally I get a reasonable amount of sleep for a new parent so I can't blame sleep deprivation.

Try to do some bonding w your baby like baby massages, taking them out in nature, try being “present”, cuddling etc
and just try to chill out

You're not a crap Mum.

I'm wondering, did you have a tricky birth in any way?

The reason I ask is that you sound a bit...disconnected. Sometimes this happens after a trauma: it's a survival response.

With my first son I didn’t feel the rush of love until he was 7 months old, I woke up one day and loved him but up until then he felt like a nephew to me .
My second son I had an instant connection with and loved him straight away .
my first birth was stressful and I found traumatic which I think had an influence.

It’s definitely a more normal experience than people admit and your not broken in anyway !

Hello.

Sorry to hear this. One day soon, in the future, when he’s at school, you might look back & think these days were all bleak & you will wish, with all your heart that you could travel back in time and take stock of some small moments. Look for three little things that he does that you can write down in your phone journal. That way, when this time has passed, which it soon will, you will know it wasn’t wasted even though you feel that way right now. Capture the moments for your future self. Don’t let your current emotions steal this time from you.

And importantly, I’d recommend getting out of the house every morning and getting some light on your face and some light exercise. This time of year can be hard.

Sending you a big >>squeeze<<

You are not a crap mum op
because you are meeting the needs of your baby; feeding, interacting with him, changing and bathing him, dressing in warm clean clothes, keeping him safe etc etc. That’s a lot of work, and love is a verb, it’s not just a statement with no actions attached.

Many mothers don’t feel that first rush of love don’t worry. Particularly mothers who feel a bit anxious., stressed, sleep-deprived, or lacking in support.

It’s much easier ime to sit back and relax and really enjoy your baby when you have a partner who really steps up so you can take a break, and also a lot depends on how each individual baby sleeps.

Don’t get stressed about it, it will come, but do speak to your gp or health visitor if you start to feel really detached and think there’s a possibility that you may be developing post-natal depression. One of the symptoms is feeling increasing irritation with your baby. But that’s not unusual when sleep deprived.

Here are the symptoms:
https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/conditions/post-natal-depression/symptoms/

Finally, looking back to when I felt like you, over two decades ago, I felt very constrained in a way, but it was all inside my own head, having read too many parenting books, and I was trying to do everything far too “perfectly” and totally ignored my own needs.

Looking back I should have given myself permission to do a few things “my way” so I could relax a bit more.

I know it depends on the child, but looking back I could have put my babies down a bit more too. And I should have asked for more help when I was struggling.

How much help do you have in rl op? Is the baby’s father stepping up enough?

Are you able to afford a baby-sitter to come and just hold your baby while you get some sleep or you have a relaxing bath or do something else in the house?

Hang in there op. This part is exhausting and many women feel as though they are swimming through treacle.

I also didn't get the rush of love with my baby. I had a c section and it was like one moment I was me and the next I just had a baby on my chest. Very overwhelming. She is now 3.5 months old and I love her to bits but it took time. My husband bonded straight away and I felt like I was going through the motions. When I was feeding her I wanted it to be over so I could get things done around the house. If she was fussy I would pass her to my husband as he is so good with her. It then slowly crept up on me and she started smiling and only wanting me and suddenly it hit me. Took about 3 months though! I was worried I didn't love her. I do think it's more normal but not spoken about. You have to get to know this little person and it's a huge life change. This is the hardest thing you'll ever do so be kind to yourself. Keep talking to him, if you breastfeed just look at him, don't be on your phone or watching telly, just for one feed a day. And take him out for a walk or a coffee and spend time with him, it will naturally creep up on you.
However if you are feeling really low then do speak to your GP.

Get checked out for PPD.

it is totally fine to not love motherhood, I didn’t until my now 12 month old started sitting up. 2 months old is still so little you are barely a parent, try to do some things you enjoy. Watch telly that you like, have a snack bowl and a nice drink within reach and enjoy the nap trap as much as you can. Unfortunately this season of your life is a bit rocky but it will go by so fast.

Also crap mums don’t worry if they are crap mums. Sounds like you are doing everything right, but do get checked for PPD xx

It came with my first when she got a bit of a personality/could interact. Probably around 6ish months. Up until that was survival mode rather than enjoyment. I’m likely In the minority, but for some of us it’s normal. And I do very much love my children.

It doesn't make you a crap mum. You can't get all your happiness from the baby but with time you should get some.

Try to do things that make YOU happy WITH the baby. I loved going to meet a friend for coffee (and not just talking about the baby!), going to the cinema (baby-friendly showings of adult movies), going to an art gallery.

Cuddle time when you can do other things is also great for creating the bond but not feeling tied down - I loved to throw the baby in a sling and get on with stuff.

As others said, if you continue to feel detached or start to feel even more detached from the baby then you may be heading to PND and should get some help. But take that pressure off and look after your own needs too

I liked the newborn stage and loved my baby but then found up to 6 months quite tough. I feel I am much better suited to toddler parenthood. Even with the tantrums I much prefer it to having a baby. Babies arnt for everyone and honestly pretty boring!

I found the baby stage so exhausting and dull. On the plus side it was just because I'm not into babies. Every age after that I've found I've enjoyed. Dd is a teenager now and after a bit of adjustment I've found my rhythm again. Basically you're in the trenches right now and there's so much to look forward to. If you're like me you'll find the rest of it so much easier and you'll suddenly realise your heart now resides in them and they're the best person in the world. Dd is so much more talented and wise than I'll ever be. There's light at the end of the tunnel but in the meantime be kind to yourself, do what you need to so you both survive this bit and don't worry about being perfect. As long as their tummy is filled, they're clean and warm and you cuddle and make kind noises at them they'll be fine. Make sure you do something every day for yourself too. Take care.

You’re not a bad mum. I was exactly the same with my daughter at first. I was diagnosed with PND. Had a tricky birth, was unable to breastfeed and we were living abroad so very isolated. It did get better

You are not a bad mum, but it does sound like you might benefit from some support and see if it may be ppd

People used to do those needlepoint decorations for new babies that said “welcome, little stranger.” Right now your baby is a little stranger who you’ll love more and more as he grows and you get to know him.

I was in an intensive outpatient program for postpartum depression, and one thing the therapists there really emphasized is that it’s okay to not like every stage of parenting. Also, no one “cherishes every moment.” (How insane would people have to be to “cherish” wiping an explosion of feces off their child’s back?!) Personally, I didn’t truly enjoy spending time with either of my kids until they were about nine months old. And I absolutely adore those kids and love them like crazy.

I felt like this, it took me a long time to adjust and I wouldn’t say I was “conscious” of how much I loved my DD for a few years. DH is very much a hands on dad (did nights, feeds, nappies, was completely in love with DD on first sight).

By 5 she was the centre of my universe. I think the protectiveness is a good sign for you, you probably have much stronger feelings for your child than you realise right now. I didn’t have that massive overwhelming rush of love many women talk about and pretty much everything felt like a chore to me.

I also think this sounds like PPD. You're going through the motions, and doing the basics, but not feeling anything much. He's only going to sleep less and less from now, the first two months is the sleepy pot plant stage and now he'll start to get more opinions and have more cranky moments, so I'd go to the GP now to try and get on top of your responses or it may drive a proper wedge between you. Good luck.

I felt the same with my first. No real love or connection. Didn't enjoy how my life had changed.

Like a PP the love just happened one day - he was sick and I thought that he was so helpless and only had me to figure out what he needed and it clicked for me.

Please don't worry, and don't listen to the posters saying you'll look back and realise you've missed it. I don't. I hated that stage - even with my second who I had an instant love bond with.

I think it's a common aspect of motherhood for a lot of women that doesn't get talked about enough because everyone only shares their 'loving the cuddles' moments.

Not a crap mum at all. I could have written what you did when I had my first son. I knew that I loved him but I didn’t feel the rush of love when he was born, and probably didn’t feel it until he was a few months old. I felt protective of him and worried about him constantly, which I knew meant I loved him, but it wasn’t a nice love, it was a love showing itself as protection coming from fear of something happening to him.
Was your birth traumatic / a shock? Mine was and I 100% disconnected from it and wasn’t mentally present for a couple of weeks which impacted how I felt and bonded with my son.
You’re only just reaching the end of the newborn stage (which in my opinion is the worst stage), your hormones are still a bit wild, your baby doesn’t do anything or give you anything back yet. Not everyone finds it enjoyable.
However, you can do things to help with your bond. Try baby classes - once I started taking my son to some classes it helped me have ideas of what to do with him when he was awake so those times were less boring, I got to chat to other mums and see my baby develop and learn new things.
Make sure you speak to your health visitor about how you feel too.
I actually don’t know many first time mums who had that rush of love when their baby was born - none of my close friends had it with their first babies.
Also, newborn babies are boring. Especially when it’s just you and them together all day. But I promise it gets a lot better once you see their personality develop and get into a bit of a routine.

Sounds like you had high expectations and life isn’t quite like that. I worried that I didn’t feel that crazy rush of love but when I really thought about it and looked at that tiny little baby I knew that I wouldnt ever want to be without her. As she’s grown, it’s a different kind of love from the newborn love. I love her for her amazing personality rather than just because she’s squishy and cute and mine!

You’re not a crap mum. You’re knackered, possibly post-natally depressed.

I had a good pregnancy and straight forward birth but I remember feeling like this. It felt like I was looking after this precious baby but she wasn’t mine.

I did get better and so will you. Please don’t worry but do ask for help. You’re a great mum and it does get easier.

Aww of course not a bad mum. Echo the other comments about trying a few baby groups. Look up baby sensory or baby massage groups or even baby swim. I find that the hour or so in the day I do those I can give my baby full attention. Then I don't feel so bad the rest of the day if I'm busy or trying to get things done, not super present, because we have had that bonding hour at the group. It can feel a lot to work up the courage to go but I have two children and always felt welcome/never regretted any group I've been to. Also definitely take partner, grandparent or friend along if it helps, lots do.

The newborn days can be hard and boring. It gets so much more fun when they start getting a personality and turning into a little person. 6+ months was the turning point for me, I think.

Not everyone is the same. Just because you are not a super demonstrative person doesn't mean you're a crap mum. Not everyone finds babies wonderful, you'll probably find you bond better as baby gets older and you can interact more. You're doing fine.

Newborn stage is so exhausting and boring, the baby will be more interesting and fun later when his personality shows and look more cute. You are not a crap mum, this is not a fun stage and will pass. Focus on getting through these next couple of months and try to get out of the house for a walk alone or with the baby..try to get sleep when you can. It will get easier, you will get past this and you will feel a deep love for your baby later, it's just boring and tiring right now.

I’d guess you’re exhausted and in shock at life- I think most people feel that but then also get the rush of love. I’d guess it’ll randomly hit you on the head. I’d say don’t wait for it, and don’t listen to all the in bliss stories either, while he is your little guy and it is the two of you in a bubble, that doesn’t mean it’s not so hard!!