Is this normal or am I a crap mum?

[Cornflower2]

I'm a FTM to a 2 month old baby. This was a planned and wanted pregnancy and I was really looking forward to his arrival but now he's here it all feels a bit... underwhelming?

I feel protective of him and he's very cute sometimes but I never felt a rush of love when he was born and I'm honestly not sure I love him even now. When he's crying and fussing I get irritated and just want to put him down or pass him over to someone and walk away. I try to talk to him as much as possible because I know it's good for his development but it often feels like a chore and I wish he would bloody sleep more so I can have some time to myself. I read posts on here about mums enjoying lovely cuddles with their newborn and cherishing every moment and I'm sat here trapped on the sofa, afraid to move too much in case he wakes up.

The gist of my ramblings is - I'm just not enjoying my baby, or life with my baby.
Is this about average experience or an I unusually un-bonded with my child? Am I just a terrible mum? I have a good support network and supportive partner etc so help isn't an issue. I haven't had a full night's sleep since he was born but equally I get a reasonable amount of sleep for a new parent so I can't blame sleep deprivation.

Not a terrible mum at all, the reality of parenting has sunk in. Unfortunately reality life isn't cuddles and cuteness its hard grind.

Mine are late teens now but I didn’t experience any rush of love, especially with my eldest. I’d been through a lot by the time I had him and think I was just too traumatised by it all. I was bonded but no rush of love. Took about 6 months. Walk to the end of the earth and back now though.

No I really did not enjoy the newborn part and found it very hard. I felt very trapped. Now teen dd dd told me the other day that she’s really glad I’m her mum as I’m a really good one in her view, which is the only view that counts. So no it doesn’t mean you’re a crap mum.

I went through the motions with my DS. Thought there was something wrong with me, didn’t enjoy the newborn period, found it boring and relentless. The love hit like a tsunami when he was 5 months and I said to DP ‘I don’t want him to get any bigger as I love him as he is”. He got bigger and my love for him just kept growing. He is now 17 and I love him so much I could burst.

I was the same with DS. It took a while for that rush of love that everyone talks about. I loved him wholeheartedly, but I didn't get that feeling straight away. I had an emergency c section and he was a month early. He's 30 now and I adore him. We had a great day at the football yesterday. I remember waking up one day, looking at him and thinking wow, you're mine and my heart bursting with pride. He's my only child and as sad as it is, I'm glad I didn't have any more.
Same DS made me a nanny two months ago and everyone said 'there's no love like it' I love my grandson, but so far I haven't had that rush of love that everyone talks about either 🤷

You are not a crap mum.

I remember when I had my first I had no rush of love - I had a rush of responsibility! Followed by 2-3 months of absolutely unable to think due to sleep deprivation.

The love came - but I think it crept up on me, it wasn't up front, it was more a complete connection (to both my kids) - they talk about how children don't realise they're separate from their mum until they're toddlers, but that's how I kinda still feel about my children (and the eldest is 15!) - like they're just independent bits of me.

Bit of post natal depression?

if you were a crap mum, you wouldn’t be looking for advice. Don’t be so hard on yourself. If men had babies, they’d be given convalescence respite for months!!!

You're not at all unreasonable OP. I felt so in love with my DD before she was born, I would hold my bump and feel her move inside and my heart squeezed with love for this little person I hadn't even met. Then she was born. A tricky birth resulting in an emergency C-section at 3am, by 5.30am it was just me and her on the ward. I got no rest or sleep because she'd been put in my arms and I didn't know how to safely put her down. The nurse came in at 7am, took her off me with a sigh and popped her in the crib and gave me paracetamol for my pain because she needed a senior nurse to authorise something stronger, and then she left again.
I felt like my entire world had just been shaken about. I was sore, exhausted, anxious, and desperately sad in the wake of a very stressful night, and that feeling carried over into the first few months of my DDs life.
I just wanted to be left alone to process and heal, but I had to do everything and be mindful of all her needs and it left me feeling pretty numb and unhappy.

It did get better, but it was never a sudden rush of incredible love, it was incremental. I looked forward to her waking hours more, and I found deeper joy in her babbles and then she learned to smile and I smiled more too and slowly, slowly she became the absolute joy of my life.

Congratulations on your baby OP and I wish you every happiness together. Be gentle with yourself and I promise it will come in time.

The very fact you have realised this means you will be a great Mum. A surprising ampunt of parenthood is identifying an issue and using the evidence you have to try to resolve it.

I hated the newborn stage, and recognise a lot of what you say. Not everyone has that rush of love straight off, and i wish we stopped pretending! Newborns are unrelenting and nothing can prepare you for it.

I can see others have suggested undertaking bonding activities like baby massage. I would add encouragement to do that if you can. These kind of activities also give you a focus and some local people to mix with with similar age children. That empathy etc makes you feel less alone.

I would also have a chat with your health visitor to check for any indications of mental health issues that can make things feel more difficult (I had PPD and PPA, along with PTSD).

I will add a positive note: DD is now 6 and my favourite person ever. We are very close and she is fantastic. I out spme of that down to the fact that I had a similar realisation to you in the early days and put a plan in place with the help of DH, the HV and my GP (aided gy a huge cast of others who might not evet realise- the ex midwife who ran a local mum and baby tea and chat group, for example.

This probably just isn't 'your stage'. It took me until around 18 months with my son, one day I looked at him had the rush of love and haven't looked back. Hold on, it will come in its own time.

Thanks all, it really helps to read about everyone's experiences and to hear that others have felt similarly to me and ended up falling in love later on... the comments about the baby feeling like a stranger or someone else's child that you're suddenly responsible for, feels spot on!! And completely agree with the PP who said they felt more bonded with the baby in their belly - I loved the baby that I imagined him to be when I was pregnant so I'm surprised about how I feel now.

I didn't have a traumatic birth and my partner is really good with him and does a lot but he works full-time so there's only so much he can do. Relatives are helpful but I feel like unless you have a full-time nanny you're always still "on" or can never have a long enough break? I'll speak to my GP about PPD but realistically what can they do even if I do have it?

Totally normal. It was better for me with second baby although I guess I am just not a fan of babies!

My ds2 by the way is now 6 yo and he’s utterly adorable and I couldn’t possibly love him more. Sometimes it feels my heart could burst for loving him.

So give it time.

You've got a little person. Right now your DC isn't much fun. But that's ok. Give your DC what they need, get out for walks with them, look at what baby groups you can attend now or soon. You'll soon find them charming as well as probably really annoying depending on their personality. Get a sling so you can crack on with some things you want to do. Your DC will grow on you I'm sure even when they're annoying they'll have qualities that draw you to them. Just because growing children is an amazing thing doesn't mean you have to find them much more than a chore much of the time.

I am 3.5 months PP and would say only recently the love has truely blossomed. I have always been fiercely protective of my baby but ‘love’ in the traditional sense didn’t really flourish until recently.

for me it was a the lack of sleep/sleep deprivation that made things harder all around, the expectation versus reality (social media had me expecting a very different experience altogether). We had feeding issues and I realised that because of triple feeding my partner got the lovely cuddles and I just fed and pumped round the clock.
I also found it hard moving from a career/work life into a new way of life, that adjustment takes time. I would say a lot of things compounded made it harder for me on top of this instant love you’re supposed too feel.

if I could go back I would tell myself to not have expectations and take each day as it comes. The bond grows as you learn each other better. Relax into it and be mindful, enjoy the little moments and just let them be they don’t need us to interact with them constantly. Once they are safe clean fed etc they can just be and you can just be, you’re not being a bad parent. your love will grow as you learn them more. Sleep when you can and accept all the help x

Sounds like you might have had unrealistic expections? Having a baby is pretty boring wnd frustrating! I think you need to get out the house more - get baby used to sleeping in the go. Make some plans with friends, go to baby groups, we
loved baby massage. There’s lots to do in my area with babies like take your baby to the cinema, to stand up comedy, etc. enjoy not working!! I did trips to London during my mat leave, went away with friends. Stay off social media. You’ll get used to the interrupted sleep - my 14 month has never slept through the night but I have adjusted to it.

Aren’t you sort of in a phase now where it’s a bit shit?

I remember seeing my friend for the first 6 months or so after she had a baby and she really looked run down and she said she was finding it hard etc. however once he got older and less reliant on her, she was much more herself again and happier.

"not a nice love" oh that resonated so much with me and describes how i felt in those early months. I had a traumatic birth that haunted me, took months to heal, my baby seemed to hate me I knew they didn't but they cried constantly no matter what I did and it made me feel hopeless and inadequate. I feed them, they cried, rocked and sang to them, they cried, changed them, they cried, took them out, they cried. Once they could hold a toy, focus and interact, the endless crying stopped and I felt more confident and of course they reacted well to this and the love felt different, warm and far more relaxed. I think the very early baby stage can be very tough, that thing "you will know what their cries mean", well I never did!

You are normal, and not only normal but honest, reflective and caring. When mine was at the newborn stage it honestly felt that the third world war had erupted in my house! I had imagined me cuddling my sweet baby as they slept on me after a feed and instead I had a writhing screaming bundle who I struggled to breast feed and no matter what I did seemed to howl and wail despite my wanting to care for and comfort them. It was when I took them for their first jabs that I first felt that rush of love, seeing them shocked and in reacting to the needle in their arm hit me so hard, and I will never forget that feeling. There have been countless waves of love since then Give it time, you need to get to know your baby and they need to get to know you.

I won't add anything further to the great advice already given, except to say, mums who are actually crap don't spend any time worrying they are crap. And worrying you're a crap mum is part of the territory of being a parent. This won't last for ever, take any help you can get and don't beat yourself up. At all. Not even for a second x